GhostShell
Member
- Dec 5, 2023
- 81
And that is fucking scary to me. My heart is starting to give and I am not even THAT malnourished and underweight (15.5 BMI). Sometimes my heart just… doesn't kick in.
Yesterday I stood up to brush my teeth. My knees were extremely weak and I had this immense sense of nausea (not the food related kind) and an impeding sense of doom. And something really was wrong - checked my watch and my heart rate while standing was 40. My resting is usually 50-60, standing 70-80. I had my wife bring a pulse oximeter to double check in case it was a glitch but no, I really had a heart rate this low while standing. It held for over a minute at which point the life-preserving panic set in. I punched my chest like an animal in an attempt to manually kickstart it and… it worked! Not today, old friend.
This is starting to happen more and more. Almost fainting, vertigo, dizzineds. I am mostly bedbound but still have to get up to eat and use the toilet. And one of these days, well, I guess I may stand up for the last time.
Dying is scary. The loss of control over the last part of my life I thought I had control over. I want to go out on my own terms, when I say so. Also that feeling is very unique and hard to describe. I think the best depiction was in the TV series Midnight Mass, the very ending, that is really how it feels like.
Yesterday I stood up to brush my teeth. My knees were extremely weak and I had this immense sense of nausea (not the food related kind) and an impeding sense of doom. And something really was wrong - checked my watch and my heart rate while standing was 40. My resting is usually 50-60, standing 70-80. I had my wife bring a pulse oximeter to double check in case it was a glitch but no, I really had a heart rate this low while standing. It held for over a minute at which point the life-preserving panic set in. I punched my chest like an animal in an attempt to manually kickstart it and… it worked! Not today, old friend.
This is starting to happen more and more. Almost fainting, vertigo, dizzineds. I am mostly bedbound but still have to get up to eat and use the toilet. And one of these days, well, I guess I may stand up for the last time.
Dying is scary. The loss of control over the last part of my life I thought I had control over. I want to go out on my own terms, when I say so. Also that feeling is very unique and hard to describe. I think the best depiction was in the TV series Midnight Mass, the very ending, that is really how it feels like.
