Help I need help

[willitpass]

I haven't been to the recovery section in over a year but please I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I've been depressed since I was 9 and suicidal since I was 10. I'm in my early 20s now. I have tried everything. You name a therapy program, I've tried it. A med, I've been on it. I spent over two years total inpatient and in residential. I even had ECT. I have tried every treatment option available to me, the only few alternative treatments I haven't tried have been due to financial restrictions. I have tried every lifestyle change: eating healthy, exercising, happy music, thought reframing, environment changes, etc, etc. There isn't anything I can get my hands on I haven't tried. As of last year I stopped any medications as they weren't working and in January ended up stopping therapy as I wasn't benefitting from it and had been in it for over half my life. There isn't anything else I can tell a therapist or a therapist can tell me. It doesn't help that I have severe trauma from being inpatient and refuse to ever go back and so I was never 100% honest in order to avoid hospitalization. All of this to say, I've tried it all and I tried it for over a decade.

As of probably two months ago I've been doing horribly. As of this past week I think I've reached a new rock bottom. I'm self harming in unspeakable ways, I can't bring myself to do even basic tasks, I've been cutting people out of my life. I'm becoming borderline paranoid with how high my anxiety is. My eating disorder is beyond bad right now. I alternate between sobbing and feeling so numb it's like I'm not even human. I am a shell of a human being. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I've never been so low in my life. And I don't want to be feeling like this. I've been treating myself so poorly that if I don't stop soon I will die, possibly even within the year. Part of me wants to keep down that path and part of me acknowledges I may psychologically snap before I get to that point.

I don't know what to do. I am out of treatment options and so traumatized by the ones I've tried I don't want to go back. I have no faith in the mental healthcare system but I can't carry on like this. I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do. Please someone help me. Please. I don't know what to do. I'm hurting so badly.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Is there anyone left in your life who you're reasonably close with (or even someone you cut contact with who still cares about you)?

 

[willitpass]

Is there anyone left in your life who you're reasonably close with (or even someone you cut contact with who still cares about you)?

The problem is I know if I start talking to someone right now it'll all come flooding out. And I don't think I could describe the ways I'm self harming and how strong the urge to CTB is without being immediately sectioned. I'm not mentally strong enough for half truths right now. If I start talking it'll be word vomit.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

The problem is I know if I start talking to someone right now it'll all come flooding out. And I don't think I could describe the ways I'm self harming and how strong the urge to CTB is without being immediately sectioned. I'm not mentally strong enough for half truths right now. If I start talking it'll be word vomit.

Yeah I know that feeling of knowing that as soon as you open your mouth it's all going to come out :\

Does this/these people know about your previous experiences with the mental healthcare system? It's hard for me to put myself in a pro-lifer's shoes but that'd be pretty inconsiderate to section you after what you've already been through. Could you make them promise not to call anyone on you?

 

[willitpass]

Yeah I know that feeling of knowing that as soon as you open your mouth it's all going to come out :\

Does this/these people know about your previous experiences with the mental healthcare system? It's hard for me to put myself in a pro-lifer's shoes but that'd be pretty inconsiderate to section you after what you've already been through. Could you make them promise not to call anyone on you?

Anyone in my life currently would either call on me or I would trigger them and that wouldn't be fair of me. There's one person who I used to talk to a lot who wouldn't call on me but I was rather rude and cut them out of my life abruptly for no reason last year during a shit mental health period. I would feel manipulative crawling back to them saying "hey I know I ghosted you but can I vent?"

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Anyone in my life currently would either call on me or I would trigger them and that wouldn't be fair of me. There's one person who I used to talk to a lot who wouldn't call on me but I was rather rude and cut them out of my life abruptly for no reason last year during a shit mental health period. I would feel manipulative crawling back to them saying "hey I know I ghosted you but can I vent?"

I think the mere fact that you're in such an acute state of need and still prioritizing the impact on others says something about the kind of person you are, ie. that in general, you're compassionate and considerate, and these people were probably lucky to have you in their life, regardless of how things ended.

Relationships don't have to be a totally equal give and take at all times; sometimes we're just not in a position to give, and if someone you cared about was in such a position, I doubt you would hold it against them. Similarly, if this person cares about you, then they will probably also not hold it against you and in fact might be glad that you said something. I can't guarantee any of that--I don't know you or this person--but the severity of your situation means a lot of lower-level concerns need to be jettisoned. You're on fire and even a modicum of care from someone you know in real life could soak you with water, even if it doesn't put the fire out altogether.

 

[willitpass]

I think the mere fact that you're in such an acute state of need and still prioritizing the impact on others says something about the kind of person you are, ie. that in general, you're compassionate and considerate, and these people were probably lucky to have you in their life, regardless of how things ended.

Relationships don't have to be a totally equal give and take at all times; sometimes we're just not in a position to give, and if someone you cared about was in such a position, I doubt you would hold it against them. Similarly, if this person cares about you, then they will probably also not hold it against you and in fact might be glad that you said something. I can't guarantee any of that--I don't know you or this person--but the severity of your situation means a lot of lower-level concerns need to be jettisoned. You're on fire and even a modicum of care from someone you know in real life could soak you with water, even if it doesn't put the fire out altogether.

I just want nothing more than to just be held right now. To cry into someone's arms and scream and tell them everything I've been bottling up for so long. The pot is boiling over so to speak. But so much of what I learned in residential was that you don't go to others for help. You learn how to deal with it on your own. It feels so wrong to me to want to break down in someone's arms. The anxiety and the guilt and the fear of being sectioned all mixed in with the desperate desire to feel cared for.

 

[silence ends]

Have you tried psychedelics? Ayahuasca retreat of sonething.
Personally i dont recomment it since that can mess up head even more.
But i also know those substances done with right intention and right place can have power to heal deep traumas and fix one's ego for good. Maybe that's something to look into/research if anything else havent helped.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I just want nothing more than to just be held right now. To cry into someone's arms and scream and tell them everything I've been bottling up for so long. The pot is boiling over so to speak. But so much of what I learned in residential was that you don't go to others for help. You learn how to deal with it on your own. It feels so wrong to me to want to break down in someone's arms. The anxiety and the guilt and the fear of being sectioned all mixed in with the desperate desire to feel cared for.

That's horrible that that's what you learned in residential, literally one of the most basic facts about humans is that they thrive by relying on each other for help. It grinds my gears how advice that was initially targeted towards codependent people has invaded all of therapy and psychiatry and come to (completely inappropriately) apply to everyone. No, you don't have to love yourself before others can love you. People who don't receive love and attention wither on the vine.

All that to say, this is a very natural impulse, nothing wrong about it. If you know someone who could give it to you, it's worth seeking out.

 

[willitpass]

That's horrible that that's what you learned in residential, literally one of the most basic facts about humans is that they thrive by relying on each other for help. It grinds my gears how advice that was initially targeted towards codependent people has invaded all of therapy and psychiatry and come to (completely inappropriately) apply to everyone. No, you don't have to love yourself before others can love you. People who don't receive love and attention wither on the vine.

All that to say, this is a very natural impulse, nothing wrong about it. If you know someone who could give it to you, it's worth seeking out.

I feel stuck between such a rock and a hard place. I can't seek help because it doesn't help and will cause me trauma, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't. I don't know if I have the strength to fight this on my own but I don't think I have any other option.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I feel stuck between such a rock and a hard place. I can't seek help because it doesn't help and will cause me trauma, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't. I don't know if I have the strength to fight this on my own but I don't think I have any other option.

I relate to everything you've said all too well...at this very moment, the thing I want most in the world is that you could be granted real, tangible help that alleviates your pain.

 

[willitpass]

I relate to everything you've said all too well...at this very moment, the thing I want most in the world is that you could be granted real, tangible help that alleviates your pain.

I don't necessarily believe in a God but at this point I'm begging to whoever may be out there. Something needs to happen, one way or another, because this is simply unbearable. I'm worried I'm going to face a true psychotic break if I don't get some semblance of relief.

 

[anhedonya]

Hey. I'm glad to see you on this side and I'm proud of you for trying- even if you change your mind in the future, I'm really proud of you for wanting to reach out for help. It's a very difficult thing to admit and it makes me happy that you still have some hope left in you, you're a good person and I see that in you every time you speak.

I know this is, as stated before, a situation where you're inbetween a rock and a hard place. You're scared of treatment, and I get why. I would be too if I had been in your shoes, experiencing everything you did. And you don't want to traumatize anyone in your life or overwhelm someone that you haven't gotten a chance to reconnect and talk things out with. I know this is going to sound SO counter productive to everything you've said, but I mean it because I've been on both sides.

Please reach out to a friend and word vomit. I'm serious. I know it sounds so unhelpful but here's the thing that I've learned from years of talking friends off ledges, literally and metaphorically: I am just happy that my friends are alive. I don't care about how traumatic the way they talked to me when they reached out was, I can get therapy for that and we can talk about it another day and figure it out amongst ourselves. I care that they're alive. I love them and I'm glad they made it out and said something and let me help them.

This is how your friends and family will feel too if they truly love and care about you. The most important thing to them will be that you are alive and you tried to ask for help, not how you did it or how randomized it was or how much you hurt yourself up to this point. The only thing that will matter to them in that moment and the moments where they hold you is the fact that you are living and breathing to tell them these things.

I know it's your life. I can't force you. But I'm begging you to reach out to someone. It's the only choice if you're unable to seek professional help out of fear, which I understand. Please try. I promise they will be happy that you said something because it'll be better than having to hear about how you died.

And you know what, you can word vomit to me if you like. I mean it, I don't care. I'll give you whatever contact info you need to word vomit to me through. If you truly feel you have no one you can tell it to- I'm here and I will listen for as many hours as it takes. I want you to have a shot at life. I really do.

 

[willitpass]

Hey. I'm glad to see you on this side and I'm proud of you for trying- even if you change your mind in the future, I'm really proud of you for wanting to reach out for help. It's a very difficult thing to admit and it makes me happy that you still have some hope left in you, you're a good person and I see that in you every time you speak.

I know this is, as stated before, a situation where you're inbetween a rock and a hard place. You're scared of treatment, and I get why. I would be too if I had been in your shoes, experiencing everything you did. And you don't want to traumatize anyone in your life or overwhelm someone that you haven't gotten a chance to reconnect and talk things out with. I know this is going to sound SO counter productive to everything you've said, but I mean it because I've been on both sides.

Please reach out to a friend and word vomit. I'm serious. I know it sounds so unhelpful but here's the thing that I've learned from years of talking friends off ledges, literally and metaphorically: I am just happy that my friends are alive. I don't care about how traumatic the way they talked to me when they reached out was, I can get therapy for that and we can talk about it another day and figure it out amongst ourselves. I care that they're alive. I love them and I'm glad they made it out and said something and let me help them.

This is how your friends and family will feel too if they truly love and care about you. The most important thing to them will be that you are alive and you tried to ask for help, not how you did it or how randomized it was or how much you hurt yourself up to this point. The only thing that will matter to them in that moment and the moments where they hold you is the fact that you are living and breathing to tell them these things.

I know it's your life. I can't force you. But I'm begging you to reach out to someone. It's the only choice if you're unable to seek professional help out of fear, which I understand. Please try. I promise they will be happy that you said something because it'll be better than having to hear about how you died.

And you know what, you can word vomit to me if you like. I mean it, I don't care. I'll give you whatever contact info you need to word vomit to me through. If you truly feel you have no one you can tell it to- I'm here and I will listen for as many hours as it takes. I want you to have a shot at life. I really do.

I've put on my old recovery playlist which is enough of a mental trigger to unconsciously elevate my mood just by being on. I've reached out to a friend who is very aware of my mental health issues but also struggles a lot herself so we really only talk about things in a humorous manner. We might be hanging out tomorrow, currently working on details, but that would get me out of bed whether I like it or not. I know it's all just temporary fixes, but I just need something to pull me even 5ft up from this 1000ft hole I've dug for myself. I've never been so low in my life, and coming from me, that says a lot. Knowing myself well enough, I know I'll come crashing back down soon, I just pray to God it isn't this low.

 

[anhedonya]

I've put on my old recovery playlist which is enough of a mental trigger to unconsciously elevate my mood just by being on. I've reached out to a friend who is very aware of my mental health issues but also struggles a lot herself so we really only talk about things in a humorous manner. We might be hanging out tomorrow, currently working on details, but that would get me out of bed whether I like it or not. I know it's all just temporary fixes, but I just need something to pull me even 5ft up from this 1000ft hole I've dug for myself. I've never been so low in my life, and coming from me, that says a lot. Knowing myself well enough, I know I'll come crashing back down soon, I just pray to God it isn't this low.

I'm proud of you. Living is terrifying and you're making the choice to at least try to see what's ahead, so please know even if you go to a low again, I will still be proud of you. I'm happy that you reached out, maybe it could help you to write down what you want to say to her? I know you said it's going to word vomit out but writing something you can reference might help put you at ease to actually starting the conversation in the first place. Even a temporary fix is still progress. I'm always here if you need anything at all, you can message me anytime of the day, and I hope you get to see your friend tomorrow. If that doesn't work out, please please try to ask someone else about hanging out. You deserve help and kindness even if that's extremely hard to believe within yourself. Best of luck

 

[willitpass]

I'm proud of you. Living is terrifying and you're making the choice to at least try to see what's ahead, so please know even if you go to a low again, I will still be proud of you. I'm happy that you reached out, maybe it could help you to write down what you want to say to her? I know you said it's going to word vomit out but writing something you can reference might help put you at ease to actually starting the conversation in the first place. Even a temporary fix is still progress. I'm always here if you need anything at all, you can message me anytime of the day, and I hope you get to see your friend tomorrow. If that doesn't work out, please please try to ask someone else about hanging out. You deserve help and kindness even if that's extremely hard to believe within yourself. Best of luck

I'm just in such an odd place. I don't want to do these things to recover, but I simply cannot bear feeling like this and am not ready to actively CTB either. I don't want to live, but I'm in a horrible state and not mentally ready to pull the metaphorical trigger. I'm simply looking for something to ease the load a bit. It's like I don't fit anywhere. I'm a mentally ill misfit.

 

[anhedonya]

I'm just in such an odd place. I don't want to do these things to recover, but I simply cannot bear feeling like this and am not ready to actively CTB either. I don't want to live, but I'm in a horrible state and not mentally ready to pull the metaphorical trigger. I'm simply looking for something to ease the load a bit. It's like I don't fit anywhere. I'm a mentally ill misfit.

It's not something that's easy to discuss because it brings many a feeling of shame, but it is a more common response than people would think. I believe you when you say you don't want to live or actively get better- it's not really a conscious choice. I think the logic behind it is that there's still some hope left inside the person, some kind of idea of what their life could've been like or the friends they could talk to if they stayed, things that could've or would've or will be or might be. So on so forth. CTB'ing is hard, yes, but so is living. I think what matters is less so what you feel about it within your mind and rather your real life actions. I can believe that you don't consciously want recovery but you are trying to take a step towards it, and that's the really important part. That you tried. You did the scary and difficult and horrifying feat of putting one foot in front of the other, and I mean that. It's a thing that can paralyze people with fear. If you're not ready to go, then you should be allowed to try living and see if you can get anywhere with it. You're owed that chance and you're owed good moments where you get to release what's inside your heart to someone who loves you. I hope you get a feeling of belonging someday, and what you're going through is completely natural. You're not weird for it nor do you need to feel shame or like you can't follow through. It's your choice and that means you get to make steps towards life too, and nobody gets to judge you for that.

 

[willitpass]

It's not something that's easy to discuss because it brings many a feeling of shame, but it is a more common response than people would think. I believe you when you say you don't want to live or actively get better- it's not really a conscious choice. I think the logic behind it is that there's still some hope left inside the person, some kind of idea of what their life could've been like or the friends they could talk to if they stayed, things that could've or would've or will be or might be. So on so forth. CTB'ing is hard, yes, but so is living. I think what matters is less so what you feel about it within your mind and rather your real life actions. I can believe that you don't consciously want recovery but you are trying to take a step towards it, and that's the really important part. That you tried. You did the scary and difficult and horrifying feat of putting one foot in front of the other, and I mean that. It's a thing that can paralyze people with fear. If you're not ready to go, then you should be allowed to try living and see if you can get anywhere with it. You're owed that chance and you're owed good moments where you get to release what's inside your heart to someone who loves you. I hope you get a feeling of belonging someday, and what you're going through is completely natural. You're not weird for it nor do you need to feel shame or like you can't follow through. It's your choice and that means you get to make steps towards life too, and nobody gets to judge you for that.

I have things I'm good at, hobbies I enjoy, I have the ability to have great friendships. But my depression has robbed me of all of that. My grades have all slipped because I simply cannot get the energy to do anything. I don't have the energy to do hobbies except once in a blue moon. I've cut out wonderful friendships for no reason. I've been robbed of my ability to feel human. And I don't know how or if I even can get it back.

 

[anhedonya]

I have things I'm good at, hobbies I enjoy, I have the ability to have great friendships. But my depression has robbed me of all of that. My grades have all slipped because I simply cannot get the energy to do anything. I don't have the energy to do hobbies except once in a blue moon. I've cut out wonderful friendships for no reason. I've been robbed of my ability to feel human. And I don't know how or if I even can get it back.

You can. I'll say it honestly; you can't turn back time and some people might not forgive you for the way those friendships ended. I'm not saying it's going to be easy to get your life back and that you'll never have a low point that reminds you of this day. It's a tough road and there's no magic word that can make it a straight line. I wish there was. But it is also true that you can get all of that back in new forms. You can enjoy the hobbies you like again, you can make new friends and enjoy the ones you already have, you can go back to school if you want to and take one course at a time to ease into it, and some people might forgive you if you reach out. I can tell you with certainty that some of them probably have missed you and would be happy to hear from you EVEN if they can't forgive you. You can feel like a person again.

I know depression feels like a death sentence, and I know it can cause so much damage where it looks like that's where you're headed too. But you always, always have the chance to start fresh. Every single day, you do have the chance to start anew. You are a good person that cares about people and is always thinking ahead to how things will affect them. You can and deserve to start fresh- you can and deserve to try again. You are more than self destruction and pain and horror. You're a person that I've always hoped might come to this part of the website. And it's going to sound so stupid and corny, I know, but the way to actually get it back after starting fresh is to take it one day at a time. Unfortunately that part is true too- there's no other way to do things. You just go hour by hour and then day by day. You build it up. I believe in you.

 

[willitpass]

You can. I'll say it honestly; you can't turn back time and some people might not forgive you for the way those friendships ended. I'm not saying it's going to be easy to get your life back and that you'll never have a low point that reminds you of this day. It's a tough road and there's no magic word that can make it a straight line. I wish there was. But it is also true that you can get all of that back in new forms. You can enjoy the hobbies you like again, you can make new friends and enjoy the ones you already have, you can go back to school if you want to and take one course at a time to ease into it, and some people might forgive you if you reach out. I can tell you with certainty that some of them probably have missed you and would be happy to hear from you EVEN if they can't forgive you. You can feel like a person again.

I know depression feels like a death sentence, and I know it can cause so much damage where it looks like that's where you're headed too. But you always, always have the chance to start fresh. Every single day, you do have the chance to start anew. You are a good person that cares about people and is always thinking ahead to how things will affect them. You can and deserve to start fresh- you can and deserve to try again. You are more than self destruction and pain and horror. You're a person that I've always hoped might come to this part of the website. And it's going to sound so stupid and corny, I know, but the way to actually get it back after starting fresh is to take it one day at a time. Unfortunately that part is true too- there's no other way to do things. You just go hour by hour and then day by day. You build it up. I believe in you.

I've tried so many times to do this exact thing and it's never turned my life around. I have no trust anymore. I don't know how to ever trust in feeling okay again. It's like my own mind is trying to scam me every time I feel better just so it can throw me back down. I've learned to settle for temporary moments of feeling just a bit better to bridge me between gut wrenching pain. I don't know how to untrain my brain from all of the years of maladaptive thinking when there isn't a coping skill or therapy tactic that I haven't been taught 10 times. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.

 

[anhedonya]

I've tried so many times to do this exact thing and it's never turned my life around. I have no trust anymore. I don't know how to ever trust in feeling okay again. It's like my own mind is trying to scam me every time I feel better just so it can throw me back down. I've learned to settle for temporary moments of feeling just a bit better to bridge me between gut wrenching pain. I don't know how to untrain my brain from all of the years of maladaptive thinking when there isn't a coping skill or therapy tactic that I haven't been taught 10 times. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.

I've been there. I know it sounds like total bullshit because I've done it time and time again too and I have nothing to show for it, personally speaking. But, let me put it this way, if you might CTB in the future anyhow (as you said, you're not ready now, but you don't actively want to get better), what possible harm could it do right now to at least try, that you haven't already gone through? You've been through so much. You've faced anything and everything. Unbearable pain and horrific trauma that many couldn't possibly imagine. You survived that, even if it took a huge toll, and you faced some of humanity's greatest fears. You shouldn't discount yourself, though I agree that you shouldn't have had to suffer through that at all in the first place and shouldn't suffer in general as you deserve good things to happen to you. If you're going to possibly end it someday though, you have time to come to that decision. You have so much time to think on it and figure it out. There's no reason to rush, which leaves the only possible other option: to try again. There's nothing that can happen to you that can destroy your life. You've been through it all and more. You have nothing to fear except the future- which, logistically speaking from what you plan to do (talk to friends, reach out, listen to stuff that makes you feel good, etc.) will be at least marginally better than what life is like right now. Maybe it is all temporary, maybe you're right that it might not work. But if you're not dead yet, you may as well try because at least you'll get to experience that temporary happiness, which you so deeply deserve on a permanent level as well, though that's hard to achieve and I know that.

I don't really know how to change the brain from years of thinking this way. I myself haven't made it to the point you have so I wouldn't be good for advice on that part. But I can promise you that I believe, right now, without any shadow of a doubt, that you can start again. You can start clean and try. You can reach out and you can live a life where your depression is something that simply exists within your life rather than something that overtakes your life constantly. I see that in you.

As for what to do right now, in this very moment? Make plans to see that friend or another if they can't. Talk here as long as you like. Stare at the television with a TV show you're not even watching. Anything. You don't have to "do", you can just be alive too.

 

[willitpass]

I've been there. I know it sounds like total bullshit because I've done it time and time again too and I have nothing to show for it, personally speaking. But, let me put it this way, if you might CTB in the future anyhow (as you said, you're not ready now, but you don't actively want to get better), what possible harm could it do right now to at least try, that you haven't already gone through? You've been through so much. You've faced anything and everything. Unbearable pain and horrific trauma that many couldn't possibly imagine. You survived that, even if it took a huge toll, and you faced some of humanity's greatest fears. You shouldn't discount yourself, though I agree that you shouldn't have had to suffer through that at all in the first place and shouldn't suffer in general as you deserve good things to happen to you. If you're going to possibly end it someday though, you have time to come to that decision. You have so much time to think on it and figure it out. There's no reason to rush, which leaves the only possible other option: to try again. There's nothing that can happen to you that can destroy your life. You've been through it all and more. You have nothing to fear except the future- which, logistically speaking from what you plan to do (talk to friends, reach out, listen to stuff that makes you feel good, etc.) will be at least marginally better than what life is like right now. Maybe it is all temporary, maybe you're right that it might not work. But if you're not dead yet, you may as well try because at least you'll get to experience that temporary happiness, which you so deeply deserve on a permanent level as well, though that's hard to achieve and I know that.

I don't really know how to change the brain from years of thinking this way. I myself haven't made it to the point you have so I wouldn't be good for advice on that part. But I can promise you that I believe, right now, without any shadow of a doubt, that you can start again. You can start clean and try. You can reach out and you can live a life where your depression is something that simply exists within your life rather than something that overtakes your life constantly. I see that in you.

As for what to do right now, in this very moment? Make plans to see that friend or another if they can't. Talk here as long as you like. Stare at the television with a TV show you're not even watching. Anything. You don't have to "do", you can just be alive too.

I've got plans with a friend tomorrow to get me occupied. I've started talking with my one friend who I cut off and they've forgiven me. I've been able to start spilling it all out, including all of the horrible ways I've hurt myself. They're the only person I know who is willing to hear all of that and not call the cops on me.

 

[anhedonya]

I've got plans with a friend tomorrow to get me occupied. I've started talking with my one friend who I cut off and they've forgiven me. I've been able to start spilling it all out, including all of the horrible ways I've hurt myself. They're the only person I know who is willing to hear all of that and not call the cops on me.

I'm really happy for you, I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and it's great that you're getting to spend time with your friend no matter the context. You're doing an incredibly scary process, and you're doing it while scared, which you deserve massive credit for. I'm so glad they forgave you and you were able to reconnect. How do you feel being able to start telling them these things?

 

[willitpass]

I'm really happy for you, I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and it's great that you're getting to spend time with your friend no matter the context. You're doing an incredibly scary process, and you're doing it while scared, which you deserve massive credit for. I'm so glad they forgave you and you were able to reconnect. How do you feel being able to start telling them these things?

It's hard. I feel like I don't deserve kindness and forgiveness. Everything you and my friend are telling me are making me cry because they are so lovely yet also because I feel I don't deserve to be treated so well. I don't know how to overcome such a strong sense of self hatred. I've been crying for hours now. I'm no longer feeling on the verge of snapping though, just rather confused and overwhelmed.

 

[anhedonya]

It's hard to change our way of thinking, especially in one day, so it's okay if you can't accept it on a personal level and are having a hard time processing it all. I think crying is progress- you've been handling this alone for so long, bottling it inside, and finally parts of it can be pushed into reality. There's something very cathartic about your suffering being a physical object or interaction- something that you can visually see exists and wasn't just some concept inside of you. There's something uniquely mind-bending about finally being acknowledged again by those you spent so long away from. I know this is a hard ask- so if you can't, I completely understand, you've already made great progress and we don't need to push any further. But if you can, even a tiny sip of water would be helpful in the moment. You've been dehydrating yourself and now you've spent so long crying, and it would give you a little more sleep to be able to see your friend tomorrow. No worries if you can't, it's good to see you're here either way

 

[willitpass]

It's hard to change our way of thinking, especially in one day, so it's okay if you can't accept it on a personal level and are having a hard time processing it all. I think crying is progress- you've been handling this alone for so long, bottling it inside, and finally parts of it can be pushed into reality. There's something very cathartic about your suffering being a physical object or interaction- something that you can visually see exists and wasn't just some concept inside of you. There's something uniquely mind-bending about finally being acknowledged again by those you spent so long away from. I know this is a hard ask- so if you can't, I completely understand, you've already made great progress and we don't need to push any further. But if you can, even a tiny sip of water would be helpful in the moment. You've been dehydrating yourself and now you've spent so long crying, and it would give you a little more sleep to be able to see your friend tomorrow. No worries if you can't, it's good to see you're here either way

Thank you.
I've managed an english muffin with sugar free jam and a few sips of sugar free gatorade. Hopefully the english muffin will give me a little bit of a blood sugar boost, I'm sure low blood sugar was not helping the situation.

 

[anhedonya]

Thank you.
I've managed an english muffin with sugar free jam and a few sips of sugar free gatorade. Hopefully the english muffin will give me a little bit of a blood sugar boost, I'm sure low blood sugar was not helping the situation.

Yay!!!! That's wonderful, you're doing great and I'm beyond happy for you

 

[anhedonya]

Best of luck today!!

 

[carac]

The problem is I know if I start talking to someone right now it'll all come flooding out. And I don't think I could describe the ways I'm self harming and how strong the urge to CTB is without being immediately sectioned. I'm not mentally strong enough for half truths right now. If I start talking it'll be word vomit.

 

[mellie5]

Hello - I hope you are feeling better. Yes, low sugar makes things worse but imho try eating things with sugar instead of sugar-free.

You said you tried lots of therapies and medication, you stopped medication last year and therapy in January as they were not helping and lately you have been feeling a lot worse.

Objectively it looks like stopping made things much worse.

I understand you say you have been traumatised by the mental health system, but statisticallly people feel better after they have been through it.

I also understand restarting seems very difficult and if you start speaking you won't stop and you've said it a million times to a million doctors and therapists etc.

But medicine evolves and so does your body. You said you are in your early 20s - so you know you are not the same like when you were 14 and many substances that are used in 2024 were not available in 2014.

I don't know you at all but really try to restart because it looks like things got worse now that you stopped.

Yk there are various ways to do ECT (unilateral, bilateral, etc.) but besides that, have you tried open-ended psychoanalysis? Not psychotherapy in general but psychoanalysis.

It's difficult to find, you have to find someone whose job description is not "therapy" but "analysis", but they exist. They go beyond the usual "strategies" to "cope" or to "change" something (and people can see them without being "sick", they can be happy when they see them).

Calling the police - like you say - on someone who feels like CTB'ing should be an extreme last resort option. Policemen are not doctors or therapists and can't really diagnose or treat disease. I mean if someone has a bone coming out of the leg you don't need to be a professor of surgery to know there's a broken bone.

I see nice people here trying to help you. In general don't stop medication or therapy on your own, because the brain organically changes because of both and it can't just stop.

Somebody wrote "I don't really know how to change the brain from years of thinking this way" - exactly, the job of the psychanalyst is to help you see why you are thinking in this way and make you find a way of changing the way you are thinking - if you want to, because many people, deep down in the subconscious, have made their mode of thinking their identity.

This is actually dangerous for the psychanalyst too, because the patient has an influence on the analyst and it's not a one-way street.

Anyway, hope you day went well :-)

View attachment 137959

>pop-psychologist "oh no the dishes will fall"
>real one "and then what? why are those dishes important? can't you get new ones?"