I need help

[lifecouldbedream]

I am currently planning on a simple and possibly painful method. I haven't been able to get partial hanging to work and I can buy a gun but I'm honestly afraid to go into the store and I don't know anymore I don't want to deal with the process of buying materials to set up a complex suicide because I'm just so tired. I actually was having thoughts about pouring gasoline on myself and lighting myself on fire earlier because I really just can't take it anymore I want it to be over with I don't know why I feel so bad my life really isn't that difficult but I feel like I need to just end it all I can't take it anymore

I've devised a simple method, and i think its honestly foolproof as long as all of these steps are executed in the right order.

1. Take a large amount of DXM for an anesthetic effect

2. Tape multiple plastic bags around head (to making tearing/biting through the bag more difficult)

3. Tape/tie hands together and possible tie a body part to a heavy piece of furniture to make escape impossible

In theory the DXM would make this process much more peaceful. I'm aware that an exit bag would be much better but I really just don't want to deal with the process of setting it up. I want to go today. I can't do it anymore

I'm very very certain I have some form of ADHD, but have no diagnosis. My attention span is so bad that there are often days where I literally can't even focus on things that I like. If I try to play a video game or watch a show I'll end up pausing it and doing something else about 20 different times. I can't enjoy ANYTHING and I made the stupid decision of going to college while working a full time job and I completely underestimated how much of a struggle it would be for me to keep up. I have so many goals I want to pursue in life but I just. Can't. Focus. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't do it anymore somebody please help me

I don't really want to die but I'm so afraid of telling anyone about this and I feel like nobody really cares. I struggle to make friends because I'm so quiet and struggle to talk and I feel like nothing I have to say really matters

I feel like I've lost so much I used to have so much more intelligence and creativity and its all just been sucked away from me. My mental state has been getting worse. Right now I'm living in a motel and the isolation I feel like is going to kill me.

Every day I wake up either feeling like I'm actively going to kill myself or I feel like its maybe not that bad and I can stick to my goals like exercise/meditation/studying for a day or two before my focus dissolves again and it all just becomes a manic nightmare I just really don't want to do this anymore.

IF I wanted to live, what are my options? can I go to an emergency clinic or something? I need actual mental help at this point or I'm either going to really die or Im going to just keep suffering every day. Its so painful being like this. Everytime I have ANY moment of happiness with another person I can't stop thinking about how that person is going to feel when I'm gone. Literally every time. Its like Im being stabbed repeatedly in the heart and I just have this feeling of complete emptiness. Everytime someone is nice to me or gives me something I feel guilty because I know Ill make them sad.

The only thing delaying me from my plan right now is that Im literally afraid to leave my room and go buy the materials. This isnt a fear of suicide btw Im literally afraid to go out at all and Im running out of food/supplies because Ive been afraid to go outside. Please somebody respond to me
should I call 911 and get myself committed?

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, I can't suggest anything about your suggested method, it's not one that I've been considering myself.
Your struggles are real though, and it seems you are looking for someone to help with both possible paths, to get help to try and get better, or to get advice to make it all go away.

In my opinion, if someone is feeling conflicted about which path, then the getting recovery help should be the default. Otherwise that old pesky SI might be a significant challenge and result in unpleasant outcomes.

Does your local community have any resources? Do other organizations offer any?

I wonder if others have suggestions here too.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

You can voluntarily admit yourself if you feel like you might do something impulsive. Call 911 for emergency services if you can't make it to a facility on your own. If you can, also search for info on voluntary admission for mental heath for your state online, including patient rights, possible locations. You may want to also research costs/insurance options/medicaid eligibility.

If you want to talk, my DM is open.

 

[Fangarina]

Hey!

The fact you don't want to die says a lot. So please don't do it!!

Undiagnosed ADHD can be super difficult to deal with. But hope is not lost and there are ways of getting a handle on it so your life doesn't feel so crazy all the time.

First and foremost, if you feel like you are a danger to yourself - seek help. Go to a hospital, reach out to the police. Keep yourself safe for now.

Contact your GP/ Physician as soon as you can, and chat to them. Write down all your symptoms, your struggles etc - a list so you can make sure everything is noted.
There are medications, therapy, alternatives that will help get you on a level path and give you scope to thrive.
Have a look on YouTube etc for short term things that can help focus you, and try work on them once a day just until you can get the correct help professionally. I know you do this already, but since your focus is all over the place it would be good to have a few different ones you can swap between to stop the boredom kicking in and the ADHD taking over.

It's a huge flaw in people who are older, we don't get the correct diagnosis when we are younger as they were not as recognised as they are now.
Push for professional intervention and seek the proper help.
You want to live, and it sounds like you have a heap of people who want you to be around for a long time yet too.

I wish you the best of luck, it's not necessarily going to be easy but if you can grit down and push through, it will get better and easier when you have the right things in place for you.
Take care

 

[StandardOtter]

Hey, I just want to second the recommendation to seek professional help and add that it's not just about the treatment itself. Even if you don't think they can help you directly, they can still open the door to disability benefit payments and accommodations should you return to work or school, maybe additional opportunities like part time training or volunteer work so you can take a step forward without having to go 100% like you were before, and it can help with personal intetactions to not need to explain or feel ashamed of certain things. Right now you're in a vicious cycle caused by your internal problems making your external ones worse, which piles on more internal pressure and so on, back and forth between the two. Even if the entire psychiatric field were a scam it would still be worth seeking treatment.

 

[lifecouldbedream]

Hey all. I've gotten diagnosed with ADHD and major depressive disorder. I don't know if things are better or not. But thank you all for your words.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

Hey all. I've gotten diagnosed with ADHD and major depressive disorder. I don't know if things are better or not. But thank you all for your words.

Glad to hear you went and got diagnosed. Untreated ADHD is an absolute burden. I luckily was diagnosed when I was young but I'm awful at taking my meds. So first thing I can recommend is figure out a way to consistently take them. I keep mine on my desk next to my mouse. I struggle a lot with the out of sight out of mind side of ADHD so if I don't see them they don't exist. Also don't be discouraged if you don't notice much of a change with the meds you're on. There isn't one single pill that works for everybody. I've had to try a handful of the options until we found that Methylphenidate (Concerta) works best for me. Talk to your therapist/psych if you don't notice a change. They'll be more than happy to work with you to find something that helps.

If you're in therapy more than likely they're going to tell you to make lists and write everything down that you need to do. As a todo list of sorts. That works for some people but not all. For me setting up the list itself is too much of a chore so I just don't to it. If I have it on my phone I just never check the app. Instead I have a white board by my door that I'll occasionally write things on when I remember. It helps to break things down into smaller easier achievable goals so you don't lose focus. A tool I use all the time for breaking up my tasks is https://goblin.tools/

I also struggle with procrastinating. This sounds dumb but a mantra I've used for a while now that seems to help me is "Just do the thing". It helps me do the thing that pops in my head right then and there instead of telling myself I'll get to it later then inevitably forgetting about it.

Having gone down this path before I hope this message helps you even a little. It's tough but can be manageable.

Edit: Also just saw that you were diagnosed with MDD. ADHD+MDD is my diagnosis as well. Best of luck with everything. It's a hill to climb for sure.

 

[needthebus]

i replied before reading it all! i am glad you got ADHD meds :-)