in OP : " I know I can rewrite my brain."
I agree. rewrite my brain to believe almost anything as your examples showed. however it's very difficult , knowing how to do it, then working hard on it every day for a long time every day.
can you give any examples of techniques you used to rewrite your brain, or how you did it , the details?
imo someone else already programmed our brain when we were children . so now i have to reprogram to believe what i need it and want it to believe and to take action
yes. i agree. I only started doing this a couple hours before writing my post, but i can tell you how i'm approaching it-
- negative affirmations, repeating "you are not allowed to be happy, you are not allowed to feel loved" especially while cutting myself to try and make a lasting impact
- sleep deprivation, staying up as late as possible, not allowed to get more than four hrs of sleep right now. its very easy to want to go back to sleep after waking up, especially bcz of how delerious i am in the mornings. but just one big push out of bed will be able to snap myself into it again.
- 'starving' myself, i am eating one meal a day because mother makes dinner and i love her. Other than that I am eating virtually nothing. it leaves my body very shaky but im pretty small already and dont require many calories
- separating myself from my friends/places i like interacting with, this is probably the hardest one for me. It's really hard not to respond when someone i care about sends me a message online and i dont even think its worth it to separate myself from my irl friend in hs. I blocked a lot of friends who i havent talked to in more than a couple weeks online. For some people in real life who i used to be friends with/am aquainted with I have been villifying them in my head, hanging on to little details of things i dont like about them and making that their entire personality in my head. ik it's wrong but i will probably never talk to them again. it makes me very fucking uncomfortable to even see these people, im afraid they're gonna hurt me or sa me or something, i gen cant handle being in the same room as some of these people because i can hear their voice and it stresses me out
- only listening to the same 1 song when i want to listen to music, it's small and i don't know if it's really doing anything but whenever i want to fill the void of silence i put Kitty by kevin kempt on. aside from a couple moments its the only song i have listened to in the last 4 days. i chose that song because i had a mental breakdown a couple weeks ago while it was stuck in my head and i kind of associated that song with suicidal ideation
- i loved to watch youtube, look thru social media, and play video games, they are off limits now
- my free time is entirely spent drawing, sh'ing, or looking through suicide related forums and spaces online. its kind of sad to see the pc i built be used to scroll through forums instead of playing minecraft with shaders
- i still try to keep good hygeine
- i have been practicing night-night method by pinching my neck a lot during class, i think im addicted to it, i can get it scarily consistant
i have no idea if this will do anything or not. i have started to cry to myself from the pressure of my thoughts after years of not getting emotionally pressed enough to cry about anything. in the last couple days if i make a mistake i start breathing very hard and fast, i cant stop until im abt to pass out. i dont want to call it a panic attack tho because i dont know what those feel like. mother was able to notice pretty quickly that something was wrong, i got an unprompted "are you depressed" from her yesterday. again she is a really good and caring parent so i have been lying to her telling her ive just been feeling a little sick lately, i didnt get good sleep last night, my friends pet died, i was watching a sad show, etc etc etc. wouldnt want her to worry about me. its hard to imagine the reaction to my suicide from my friends and parents but i have just been reminding myself that it wont matter because i wont be there. it feels selfish almost. mental self harm
