i need to give up....

[Life_and_Death]

for so many reasons.....

im just hitting my head off the wall.....

i dont even know where to start........


im learning about values and what they mean. i knew before but i didnt think it was quite as serious. people (specifically significant others) can have different values, or at least i thought........ ive recently found out that my SO doesnt share my values like i thought (for years...).....and even though its 'not that serious' (its not like completely opposites, hes not missing values or anything..) its tearing me apart. it makes me feel like nothing, in some cases a clown...
and the chances of having that work out right is basically none....


and now im reading about "double/triple empathy" (which still doesnt make sense to me, i cant figure out where the "empathy" comes in , but i get what theyre saying) and basically no one has any hope in understanding me....... ive tried for years...on multiple different platforms, in multiple ways (even irl a bit).......for nothing....


im too different......im too specific....... im............. i feel like im just hurting myself by trying to "recover"........
can recovery actually be bad in some cases? i seem to be one of them........



and im honestly annoyed by my recovery.....im still suicidal, every day, i want to die. every sleep i dont want to wake up. but its only on a brain level.....my heart isnt into it like before......and its so frustrating.....i want to kms but without that "impulsivity" behind it i feel like i cant... and not even just "gruesome" methods but even going through MAiD....

im chronically depressed while being "better" with no hope at an actual life...........

 

[Hvergelmir]

In what values are you differing, and why is it so important?

 

[Life_and_Death]

why is it so important?

i cant really find the words for this one. i can say when it comes to friends or less its not as important (as long as its not something i wouldnt want to associated with, like wrongly breaking the law, kicking others when theyre down), but my SO not being on the same page as me feels like i got punched in the gut by someone with a fist the size of my gut......it just really hurts..

In what values are you differing

the 2 big things off the top of my head,
1) he doesnt share my spiritual beliefs, which is fine i dont expect him to. the thought of finding someone exactly like me honestly depresses me, i dont want that. especially since im wiccan. i understand im "on the fringe" and he tries but it just makes me feel like a clown (and waving my hands around to do spells, an already stigmatized action...doesnt help..)

2) he "doesnt care about others unless he cares about them". (i might be slightly off on my wording but hopefully its understandable), and as someone with a lot of issues, as someone that works hard to be considerate of others......that really hurts.......
like, he has/had this "joke" about throwing people in the garbage....when i was in high school people ACTUALLY tried to throw me in the garbage.....thats not funny...... but he probably doesnt care....because "you cant watch out for everyone". which i find interesting because i dont feel the need to make demeaning "jokes'......and......i dont want to associate with this......and it hurts...........

 

[Hvergelmir]

I can actually empathize with you on the wicca thing. As long as he shows acceptance and tolerance to it, and respect towards you as a practitioner, he can't be expected to have respect for the practice itself without subscribing to the belief system. Odds are that he has some aspect that you find silly, too.

The second thing (your wording is clear enough), is something you can confront though. Hopefully it's just ingrained habits and social behavior, rather than actively chosen disrespect.

 

[Life_and_Death]

The second thing (your wording is clear enough), is something you can confront though. Hopefully it's just ingrained habits and social behavior, rather than actively chosen disrespect.

i tried to about something different but same idea.... he told me "i cant control what others say", no but that doesnt mean i need to partake in the problems....... "i dont have the energy to care about others" doesnt it take more energy to say something than to not say it?? and that i was "censoring", i called it "being considerate of others" but sure. (i mean technically the definition isnt wrong but really? )

sounds like chosen disrespect to me at this point......

I can actually empathize with you on the wicca thing. As long as he shows acceptance and tolerance to it, and respect towards you as a practitioner, he can't be expected to have respect for the practice itself without subscribing to the belief system.

100% and i dont really expect that...i dont want to expect it...but i dont know how to get over my issue either..... it still hurts, and like my signature says "Your heart and your brain aren't the same. Just because you understand doesn't mean you don't still hurt"..

Odds are that he has some aspect that you find silly, too.

i mean, sort of...cute silly which might be taken that way i guess... but i try not to...hes put down enough for being a gamer, i wouldnt want to add to him feeling bad.

 

[Hvergelmir]

...sort of...cute silly [...] ...i wouldnt want to add to him feeling bad.

Neither should you. He has the right to be silly, and so do you. Hopefully you can take some comfort in it being mutual.
I totally get that the other end of silliness is ridicule, but still, try to see it in a light hearted way. Silliness is highly subjective, and often dissipate as you get a better understanding of it anyway.

 

[Life_and_Death]

well thats "one problem solved" i suppose..... he blocked me lmfao
it doesnt even make sense and comes off as hypocritical. he said i insulted him and was abusive XD all i said was basically what he had been telling me. it was basically a mirror of what he said last "youre the only one that doesnt like me" "i changed for you, you didnt like me either"
while having a conversation that basically adds up to "get thicker skin", idk maybe you should take your own advice if i cant say the exact same thing youve been saying to me
hmmm...let me think...isnt not being able to handle your own words typically a red flag that you shouldnt say them?


so now im on a "hunger strike"...i dont want to eat.....i literally have zero interest idc how hungry i am.. im just waiting for death.....cant waste time i didnt want in the first place.... (i was struggling with trying to keep up with eating for weeks already. this is just the tipping point for "why should i even bother taking another bite"..)
and im done interacting with people....... like i said in the OP......im just hurting myself hitting my head off the wall trying........
some people are just meant to die i suppose..........

 

[Hvergelmir]

im done interacting with people....... like i said in the OP......im just hurting myself hitting my head off the wall trying...

Sorry about the fallout. We've all met people that in retrospect wasn't worth the effort. If we cared about the relation, it hurts.

Isolation and hunger striking will just make you weak. It's not likely to make things better, and it's not likely to end anything. Rather do your best to gather strength.
It doesn't matter what you want to do, or when you figure it out. Strength will still be an asset.

Keep interacting with people. If your expectations are low it doesn't cost much, and it often ends up in unexpected opportunities eventually.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Isolation and hunger striking will just make you weak. It's not likely to make things better, and it's not likely to end anything.

its not like im "starting from the beginning". i havent eaten right since birth. its at the point where the best way i can put it is my gut feels different from before (before being what people normally feel). and my gut/organs have been hurting. no idea what it is and probably never will. all i know is when im hungry (or eat wrong) it doesnt feel good. so its at least definitely working towards ending things. (and its not even just that, on a mental level, even putting suicide aside, im not interested in food. people say it tastes good and theres some things i like but overall its meh and causes more stress than its worth. if i could live off a pill or a drink, then yeah you could probably talk me into it)

Keep interacting with people. If your expectations are low it doesn't cost much, and it often ends up in unexpected opportunities eventually.

how low? i try and try and try and try and then i never hear from them again and idk why. its exhausting to try. and ive tried different things/approaches and somehow thats still wrong.... (and i cant do in person (which would be my preference). i have panic attacks, go nonverbal, all those wonder issues......)
and for what? ive known him for 11yrs and apparently all of that was wasted. if i cant trust someone i thought i could trust, for an extended period of time, then how can i trust anyone...
i dont feel like wasting time im not even interested in having...

Sorry about the fallout. We've all met people that in retrospect wasn't worth the effort. If we cared about the relation, it hurts.

i really appreciate you responding though

 

[Hvergelmir]

if i could live off a pill or a drink

Same here. I don't have any eating disorder or the like, but I share your non-enthusiasm for food. I mostly eat out of necessity, twice a day.
If I don't eat twice a day my gut tend to hurt and I have a hard time concentrating on things. The discomfort of not eating always wins out, so I just accept that I must eat to avoid my body punishing me.

how low? [...] i dont feel like wasting time im not even interested in having...

Very low - zero. Instead trust in the probability that a social network opens up opportunities.
Don't spend time on things you're not interested in. Odds are that there are people or groups that do interest you, though. Engage with those and their activities.

if i cant trust someone i thought i could trust, for an extended period of time, then how can i trust anyone...

I share this feeling. People are continuously changing, and one have to continuously reevaluate them. Most disappointment I've experienced have been from assuming that personalities are static.
I'm not the same person that I was ten years ago, and who knows who I could be in ten years? I just try to appreciate people for who they are in the moment. Some relations are longer lasting than others.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Engage with those and their activities.

ive tried that...... it takes to much energy to talk and try and even push myself to that point.....

 

[Life_and_Death]

"its the type of people i hang out with. id have to change everything."


got it...ill become a fucking whore, do any drug i can get my hands on and ACTUALLY be abusive because thats what i grew up with. because apparently thats a good excuse for shitty behaviour.

im sorry, but its not my fault its who i hangout with, oops.

moments in life teaches you lessons, yep and all this taught me is humans suck, im wasting my energy and i might as well be a fucking bitch because it doesnt matter, oops sorry thats just who i am. i should be unapologetically authentically me right? because thats what you fucking said....but if i do it you fucking hate me and want me to change yet refuse to admit it. youre an abusive hypocrite that cant even take what you give out.


(sad tone) maybe i should have been more like how everyone elses treats you......then you never would have argued with me....... im sorry i gave you space to talk i guess...
theres all these different pillars that make up life....i cant even think what they are.....friends...family....hobbies.....career/living........health
and mine have all crumbled.......... i have "living"...and even then.....im in constant physical pain......im just waiting for the day i become paralyzed because of my back....... then what living? live to work until youre completely broken and for what? nothing. no one to share it with.....no one meaningful.........
ive got nothing but work.....yay me i guess.........

 

[Life_and_Death]

omg why, even how......

does fb change backgrounds on its own?
for some reason our chat on fb is pink and kissy. i checked, i dont even have the option to change it because of the block. so i didnt do it in my sleep.

what is this? why would he? hes not the kind to rub it in my face. hes not the kind to even change it to begin with...... of course for years i didnt think he was the kind to be mean either.......
could he be regretting it already.......
where did it even come from....

it must have been a fb thing, several of my other chats changed and i didnt do it.
why are some still default while others arent? why did specifically his have kissy faces!?
an i cant turn it back because of the block.....
wonderful rub it in my face that i gave a shit...thanks fb.....

 

[Life_and_Death]

now im f'en pissed.....

Spoiler: (probably graphic; just venting)

BPD/mental issues in general can go f*ck themselves with barbed wire

he messaged.....
i didnt expect it...... i had convinced myself he didnt love me. he had no reason to come back.
he had left and blocked me before and it lasted 2mnths... i certainly didnt expect a few days........but he said he didnt want to do that again......

but im angry at myself..but not me as a person because its not my fault i was abused and not raised with proper emotional regulation

Spoiler: probably graphic; just a small tangent

(although teaching myself now feels like hell and my skin is slowly getting ripped off)

im angry at my brain.....why the fuck do you have to be broken!!!??? stop fucking sending out the wrong emotional chemicals!!!!!
i should probably be nice to my brain as well though........ its not my brains fault i was abused either........ im just.......really frustrated that im not normal and every single little thing is a struggle.......

i was slowly coming out of it...... i was putting more time into myself. i cleaned up my laptop a little bit. and i was gonna do more of it the following day......but i was going to bed and i thought "im wasting my time but whatever, sure, ill check"...and there was a message. we've been talking and i told him "i havent decided yet".
and now im back to fucking waiting. giving him every second of my time waiting for a message, while hes doing his things perfectly fine.
i have a "noise aversion", i dont have any notifications on and i dont have a phone. so idk if he messages. so i check because i "dont want to leave him hanging"
god, just fuck off and do something right

im angry and it makes me want to cry........
yeah no, theres no reason i want to die or anything. cant possibly figure it out. makes no sense.