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-nobodyknows-

-nobodyknows-

Mage
Jun 16, 2024
503
It's so funny. All I want is a reason to stay. But no matter how hard I have tried, I always end up back on the edge. Everything is crumbling and falling away. My hopes, my strength, my willpower. It will all be gone soon.

I am staring outside at the beautiful blue sky. The clouds are slowly drifting by. It is a sign that the world is marching on. I am so inconsequential to the grand scheme of things. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.

When my despair comes, I can feel it physically. It's an odd feeling. It's kind of like how your muscles ache after a hard workout, but it is different somehow. I feel it snake through my body. It's not a good feeling. It's like there is something grabbing me, and trying to pull me away from this world.

Why does this world reject me so? Everything I have done has been an attempt to find a place for myself here. But I am still completely and utterly alone. Will I ever find a way to stay? I am desperately trying to, I truly am. And yet I am still being pulled in deeper and deeper into darkness.

But you know, it's okay. I've done all I can to try. So perhaps the time has finally come to give in. Maybe I really am not meant to remain here. It makes me sad, but I understand. I've become too distorted to remain in such a place.

When I do finally go, how will others feel? Will they hate me for distorting their lives? Will they be able to understand that I could not continue? Will they be able to forgive me?

I suppose none of that really matters in the end. If that is where I am meant to be, then who am I to resist such a fate? If that is to be my end, then I will accept it with open arms.

Still, I cannot help but hope that something will change. But the time for that to occur is growing smaller. And I think that I am too far gone now to be able to actively pursue such changes. I simply do not have the strength to do so anymore. So instead, I will watch and wait, keeping a silent vigil in the hopes that something will happen, that someone will see, and decide to stand by me. It is a selfish wish, especially considering that if someone were to get involved with me it would likely be an enormous emotional burden dealing with someone like me who has felt the pull of death for over a decade.

And yet, I keep resisting. Keep fighting. Keep trying to find some sort of light to guide me out of the shadows. I don't know why. I know it's pointless, and that I will likely die soon anyway. But I desperately want to escape this fate. I don't want it. I want to feel the warmth of the sun, as it tears the cold hands of despair off of me.

And even if I never do, even if I am buried by the blizzard that rages within me, I hope others understand that I always sought the light. I never wanted to hurt any of them. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just don't have a way out.

So if such a fate befalls me, please try to understand that I never wanted it.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: hellworldprincess, notadaisy, Theresnoescape and 1 other person
W

wanttoctbnow

Member
Nov 19, 2024
24
it sounds like you are really trying your best to find meaning. have you tried reading "man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl, it helped me a bit and maybe it could bring you some relief
 
  • Like
Reactions: Theresnoescape
TragedyBornCrimson

TragedyBornCrimson

I accept my eternal punishment
Oct 19, 2023
245
I have tried to find meaning as well but I just can't. College, potentially getting married getting house/American dream mean nothing to me. Not to mention how broken everything in the world is. How do people manage to do anything when everything is so volatile?
 
Warlord's Pulse

Warlord's Pulse

Time to end this endless war
May 27, 2024
202
The first paragraph describes me almost perfectly
I'm almost giving up, there's nothing that can make the suicidality go away once and for all, I'm just constantly postponing it
And yeah, I'm also think I was not meant for this world
Overall very relatable text, and you're such a good writer
 
Last edited:
lamy2006

lamy2006

Member
Nov 22, 2024
30
Incredibly relatable text.
I'm continuously postponing and never arriving

You have a way with words.
 
shrizoid

shrizoid

Student
Nov 18, 2024
103
It's so funny. All I want is a reason to stay. But no matter how hard I have tried, I always end up back on the edge. Everything is crumbling and falling away. My hopes, my strength, my willpower. It will all be gone soon.

I am staring outside at the beautiful blue sky. The clouds are slowly drifting by. It is a sign that the world is marching on. I am so inconsequential to the grand scheme of things. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.

When my despair comes, I can feel it physically. It's an odd feeling. It's kind of like how your muscles ache after a hard workout, but it is different somehow. I feel it snake through my body. It's not a good feeling. It's like there is something grabbing me, and trying to pull me away from this world.

Why does this world reject me so? Everything I have done has been an attempt to find a place for myself here. But I am still completely and utterly alone. Will I ever find a way to stay? I am desperately trying to, I truly am. And yet I am still being pulled in deeper and deeper into darkness.

But you know, it's okay. I've done all I can to try. So perhaps the time has finally come to give in. Maybe I really am not meant to remain here. It makes me sad, but I understand. I've become too distorted to remain in such a place.

When I do finally go, how will others feel? Will they hate me for distorting their lives? Will they be able to understand that I could not continue? Will they be able to forgive me?

I suppose none of that really matters in the end. If that is where I am meant to be, then who am I to resist such a fate? If that is to be my end, then I will accept it with open arms.

Still, I cannot help but hope that something will change. But the time for that to occur is growing smaller. And I think that I am too far gone now to be able to actively pursue such changes. I simply do not have the strength to do so anymore. So instead, I will watch and wait, keeping a silent vigil in the hopes that something will happen, that someone will see, and decide to stand by me. It is a selfish wish, especially considering that if someone were to get involved with me it would likely be an enormous emotional burden dealing with someone like me who has felt the pull of death for over a decade.

And yet, I keep resisting. Keep fighting. Keep trying to find some sort of light to guide me out of the shadows. I don't know why. I know it's pointless, and that I will likely die soon anyway. But I desperately want to escape this fate. I don't want it. I want to feel the warmth of the sun, as it tears the cold hands of despair off of me.

And even if I never do, even if I am buried by the blizzard that rages within me, I hope others understand that I always sought the light. I never wanted to hurt any of them. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just don't have a way out.

So if such a fate befalls me, please try to understand that I never wanted it.
I get it and hate it, everytime I seem to escape my depression it just returns
 

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