Venting I promised I'd stay away from this site for a while

[smpkie]

My friend noticed this forum open on my browser multiple times when logging into my parsec—which was very expected, I should've taken more care of that and I should've closed the tabs but I simply did not care back then. They seemed upset, I didn't want to make them feel shitty so for the sake of it I promised I wouldn't log into this site ever again–which at the time was a huge lie. I was planning to come back in June, when I'd actually muster up the courage to CTB. I can't handle it though. I can't stand being away from this site. I only managed to stay away for a month but I really need to blow some steam off. I can't just keep cutting myself and succumbing in my own depression.

I feel extremely guilty for not being able to stay away, but I also feel extremely guilty about the fact that none of my friends are aware that I will take own life this year. I don't need to draw attention to myself, as much as I'd like to. Crying for help feels very pathetic. I don't want to be a burden to my friends, they've already had to deal with me too many times.

Also the fact that I'm transgender just makes the whole situation feel worse for myself, I'm being quite the crybaby right now but this has added up to my motives of wanting to CTB. Just now I (very stupidly) tweeted on my priv that I hate being trans and I just received a paragraph from my trans friend saying they hope I'm not planning anything bad. I am not a lucky transgender individual, I don't have access to hrt and I am in a country that doesn't recognize trans people. My family hates the LGBT community so therefore my chances of coming out are very- very low. My friends, on the other hand, have had access to hrt since they were teenagers, have supportive families and live in a country that recognizes transgender individuals. I am very jealous, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be happy for them.

Please excuse my grammar if you did read this, I'm very tired and my wrists sting like hell, I can't think right. I'm supposed to appreciate the support my friends have offered me, they've tried helping me escape my suicidal thoughts. I tried saving them some time and acted as if their words convinced me, but they really didn't. I am not going to back away from this site—no matter how shitty I'll feel over it.,

 

[soonnotkoei]

first of all im sorry about what you're going through. it sucks having a family that isn't supportive. there is no shame or guilt coming back to the forum. it's perfectly ok to be here.