Venting I really want to open up but can't

[Phantom]

I've been lurking around some discords related to SS.net. Made a couple of friends. It's been a good time, as far as it can be in these places and this world.

I just have one thing I would like to talk about, with someone trustworthy. It was this one night, when we were watching over a member on discord, quite a nice guy, living out his presumably last moments. He had been in pain and decided to commit suicide by poison. He stayed in the chat for as long as he could write. It was the first and only time I've been a support or witness, if this is the way to say it.

This event has been bugging me ever since. Nothing that would cause much harm yet, but I hate it being on the background. I feel like I need to open up at some point, and I do have a friend I've trusted in every case I have faced before. However, this is different. She does know I'm sometimes tempted by self-harm and suicide, and she does know me very well. I have a really hard time talking about all this, because I'd have to talk about these places, my stances on suicide on another, social level, as well as the experience mentioned.

I'm afraid this situation could provoke a reaction neither of us would want. I don't want to harm her. I don't want to harm myself like this. This is really tearing me apart.​

PS. Sorry for bad English or inconsistencies etc. I'm not native and it's late.

 

[SleepItOff]

I've been lurking around some discords related to SS.net. Made a couple of friends. It's been a good time, as far as it can be in these places and this world.

I just have one thing I would like to talk about, with someone trustworthy. It was this one night, when we were watching over a member on discord, quite a nice guy, living out his presumably last moments. He had been in pain and decided to commit suicide by poison. He stayed in the chat for as long as he could write. It was the first and only time I've been a support or witness, if this is the way to say it.

This event has been bugging me ever since. Nothing that would cause much harm yet, but I hate it being on the background. I feel like I need to open up at some point, and I do have a friend I've trusted in every case I have faced before. However, this is different. She does know I'm sometimes tempted by self-harm and suicide, and she does know me very well. I have a really hard time talking about all this, because I'd have to talk about these places, my stances on suicide on another, social level, as well as the experience mentioned.

I'm afraid this situation could provoke a reaction neither of us would want. I don't want to harm her. I don't want to harm myself like this. This is really tearing me apart.​

PS. Sorry for bad English or inconsistencies etc. I'm not native and it's late.

Do you feel like it might have mildly traumatized you, experiencing that secondhand? I think you and the others did a very kind thing for him in being there for him in his final moments, so that he didn't have to leave completely alone. That's commendable in my book. I'm just slightly confused though: are you wanting somebody to talk about what it felt like to experience that, or are you looking for somebody to talk to about your thoughts on harm and suicide in general?

If it's the latter, I can definitely relate. It's not exactly a casual conversation you can have with someone, lol. Either way, you've got a forum full of people who won't judge how you're feeling, or invalidate your experiences.

 

[millefeui]

This might sound pretentious, but thanks for staying by that person's "side" during his last moments (if he truly killed himself, but I am not here to raise any doubts on that). We all die alone, technically, but having someone to talk to — and I imagine that at least in this case, someone who wasn't judging that person's choice of dying — during your last moments is a good thing.

Your English is fine.

 

[Phantom]

Do you feel like it might have mildly traumatized you, experiencing that secondhand? I think you and the others did a very kind thing for him in being there for him in his final moments, so that he didn't have to leave completely alone. That's commendable in my book. I'm just slightly confused though: are you wanting somebody to talk about what it felt like to experience that, or are you looking for somebody to talk to about your thoughts on harm and suicide in general?

If it's the latter, I can definitely relate. It's not exactly a casual conversation you can have with someone, lol. Either way, you've got a forum full of people who won't judge how you're feeling, or invalidate your experiences.

Yeah, a mild trauma is something I'd describe it as. I'm just troubled, as I don't know what to think about it all. I would like to get my thoughts kinda sorted out about the specific event, but I really don't know where to start the discussion, or even what I'd like to discuss about it. Usually talking things through has helped me sort my thoughts, as I really can't do it without some outside input. This particular case is just more troubling and hard to deal with, because of the "intimacy" of the subject. My thoughts on harm and suicide is something I feel relatively clear about atm, and feel like they're not something I need to discuss at the moment.

 

[SleepItOff]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with processing what happened. It can't be easy. I mean, on the one hand your company gave them support that probably really helped them at the very end (if their attempt was successful, there's no way to know with absolute certainty) but on the other, that's some heavy shit to process. It makes me wonder what it's like for 911 operators in cases where they're speaking with a dying person...they're not with them in the same room (like say the paramedics would be) but they're still pretty connected in those final moments.

I was going to ask if you had mixed feelings about everything, but then I went back and read your response, and it's pretty clear you do. I'm sorry you're so troubled at the moment, but I wouldn't say that that comes as any surprise. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were unfazed by the experience.