i really wish i were dead!!!!

[woofwag]

not my normal typing style still kinda tipsy


there are only two things i want rn: 1) to be madly, unhealthily obsessed with someone and have them be obsessed back and have it hurt the both of us and 2) to fucking die! idk i don't care which is first or if i just die or just become obsessed. i just want to self-destruct!

i am cute but idk i don't think i'm super hot enough to attract people to be obsessed with me to that degree. i have done it before. my bestie even says i'm hot enough to start an onlyfans. but idk. i'm not sure if i can do it again or how long that kind of thing will last. i need pain so bad, i need what i had before with my ex, i need to be hurt but ik they've changed and they won't abuse me again even if they still hurt me with their words sometimes. but we don't even talk now and i don't want to message them back rn. i don't want to give them the satisfaction of a response

i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i've wanted it since i was 6 years old. probably sooner, 6 was just my first attempt that i remember.

i'm addicted to pain and attention despite being scared of both. i post on here because i can't talk about this stuff anywhere else and i want attention for it. but ik if i say this shit in person it will scare everyone away. i want someone to like me first so they won't be so scared when i tell them what i really am. is that manipulative? probably! i'm fucking evil i guess!!!!! this is also why i should die!

god i just crave the idea of dying so bad. i'm a fucking disaster and ik it won't get better for me. no matter how hard i try, i'm still going to be mentally and physically disabled. those things can't ever change. they are built into me. it hurts. it hurts so bad. but i like pain sometimes too. maybe i would like the pain of dying. although my death probably will be peaceful due to my SN and meto that is supposedly going to be getting here eventually idk.

i just finished cutting after getting drunk and having a great time with my bestie. even had a really great therapy sesh today. it really does never end. no matter how much fun i have, it's right back to the bell jar after the fun is over (real ones get that reference lol).

anyway!!!!! plz respond to any part of this whether it be by reaction or a comment idc!!!!! you don't have to but clearly i'm fucking addicted to attention! oh my god, just kill me lol holy shit. what a disaster of a person. it would be funny if it weren't so fucked up

 

[TBONTB]

Are you still drunk?

Being drunk might be keeping you stuck. Harder to get better, harder to make relationships, harder to CTB is alcohol gets in the way.

If alcohol is a big deal in your life it's super hard to give it up. But it might help

 

[woofwag]

Are you still drunk?

Being drunk might be keeping you stuck. Harder to get better, harder to make relationships, harder to CTB is alcohol gets in the way.

If alcohol is a big deal in your life it's super hard to give it up. But it might help

naw p much sober now, but i've been feeling like this every night for the past uuuhhhhhh idk how long lol it's been a lot of this for a while no matter if i'm sober or not. i really don't drink that much. just occasionally on the weekends. normally not enough to do anything

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I identify with all of the points here (except my suicidality only began at 10). Self-destruction is like a drug to me.

 

[woofwag]

I identify with all of the points here (except my suicidality only began at 10). Self-destruction is like a drug to me.

Yeah. I slept off all the alcohol, but I still feel the same way. Just so suicidal and wishing I had even more drugs to get fucked up on I hate that exploding my life feels so familiar and comforting in all the worst ways possible

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Yeah. I slept off all the alcohol, but I still feel the same way. Just so suicidal and wishing I had even more drugs to get fucked up on I hate that exploding my life feels so familiar and comforting in all the worst ways possible

Ive never taken drugs (cuz of my religious fundamentalist family, and also I have no money and dont know people who sell drugs). But yeah if circumstances were different id probably be a chronic alcoholic and addicted to several other kinds of drugs. Im an "addict" type person in general, if that makes any sense.

 

[woofwag]

Ive never taken drugs (cuz of my religious fundamentalist family, and also I have no money and dont know people who sell drugs). But yeah if circumstances were different id probably be a chronic alcoholic and addicted to several other kinds of drugs. Im an "addict" type person in general, if that makes any sense.

Honestly I don't have a lot of money rn, just people who give me drugs at parties. But I've not done much. I do very much understand. I have an addictive personality. It's a miracle I'm not an alcoholic rn... but who knows! Always time to change that lol.

I did just cut myself pretty bad tonight too. Nothing I can't handle. But I love just how many bad copes I have! God and it's only Tuesday. Fuckin hate this shit

 

[32yroldloser]

the drugs get old after awhile and at that point you just use to avoid withdrawal

 

[woofwag]

the drugs get old after awhile and at that point you just use to avoid withdrawal

Well, my main goal rn is ket and psychedelics. Plenty of opportunity to get addicted to ket ofc but I don't have much access/much money anyway so I don't think I would. And it's pretty much impossible to get addicted to psychedelics. Especially considering I REALLY don't have access to those. Gonna have to figure out some backroads for that shit.

Not even sure I care anymore tho. I just want to die so bad. As soon as my meto gets here I think I'm just gonna do it. I can't take this anymore

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Well, my main goal rn is ket and psychedelics. Plenty of opportunity to get addicted to ket ofc but I don't have much access/much money anyway so I don't think I would. And it's pretty much impossible to get addicted to psychedelics. Especially considering I REALLY don't have access to those. Gonna have to figure out some backroads for that shit.

Not even sure I care anymore tho. I just want to die so bad. As soon as my meto gets here I think I'm just gonna do it. I can't take this anymore

A decent alternative that's cheap is dxm.
Gives you all the same desired effects but it's basically legal everywhere.

 

[woofwag]

A decent alternative that's cheap is dxm.
Gives you all the same desired effects but it's basically legal everywhere.

Oh shit thank you, I'll have to look into that :)

 

[Hollowman]

A decent alternative that's cheap is dxm.
Gives you all the same desired effects but it's basically legal everywhere.

How much dxm do you take? I'm going to try it tomorrow.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

How much dxm do you take? I'm going to try it tomorrow.

A good starting dosage is 200 or 300mg

 

[Hollowman]

A good starting dosage is 200 or 300mg

Any syrup you'd recommend? My depression's made me dumb, sorry

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Any syrup you'd recommend? My depression's made me dumb, sorry

I actually don't recommend syrups , I recommend taking pills with the only ingredient being Dextromethorphan.

 

[woofwag]

A good starting dosage is 200 or 300mg

Well I did 600mg DXM last night (kinda threw up half bc I dosed 330 then threw up and just went for the rest) and it was awesome so thank you for the rec :)

 

[Hollowman]

Well I did 600mg DXM last night (kinda threw up half bc I dosed 330 then threw up and just went for the rest) and it was awesome so thank you for the rec :)

What did it do for you?

 

[woofwag]

What did it do for you?

Well before I threw up I was pretty woozy, I got very upset and threw up and then felt better after I had a funny convo with my friend, and at that point I felt a little euphoric (partially cuz of friend and partially cuz of DXM). I could tell it had tapered off since I threw up, and the second time it was much stronger since I didn't get nauseous for some reason. There was definitely still some in my system at that point tho cuz I tripped much harder on the second dose.

I saw a lot of cool fractals in the darkness and talked with the universe. Discussed when I'd want to die once my meto gets here, or if I want to die at all. I think the thing that really made it nice was setting up a safe space in my room with lots of pillows and blankets and all the lights turned off with my windows blacked out. I was also listening to Zelda campfire ambience which was a fantastic touch (highly recommend this, it kept me grounded and I felt like I was camping with the universe). I think the main things were the feeling of euphoria and the fun fractal hallucinations along with the tunnels I felt myself go through whenever I breathed (it was like I could visualize my airways as underpass tunnels).

Anyway that's a long explanation but yeah. I recommend reading some guides on reddit and the psychonaut wiki first. Don't be like me and get something with sorbitol/guaifenesin cuz apparently that's what causes nausea. Pure DXM only. I also took a teaspoon of black pepper prior to tripping cuz apparently that helps, but be cautioned that it's NASTY so only go that route if you really want the hallucinations to be strong.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Well I did 600mg DXM last night (kinda threw up half bc I dosed 330 then threw up and just went for the rest) and it was awesome so thank you for the rec :)

Yeah throwing up is a part of it but it gets easier once you experience it a lot. No problem just don't over do it , it destroys happiness receptors in your brain.

Well before I threw up I was pretty woozy, I got very upset and threw up and then felt better after I had a funny convo with my friend, and at that point I felt a little euphoric (partially cuz of friend and partially cuz of DXM). I could tell it had tapered off since I threw up, and the second time it was much stronger since I didn't get nauseous for some reason. There was definitely still some in my system at that point tho cuz I tripped much harder on the second dose.

I saw a lot of cool fractals in the darkness and talked with the universe. Discussed when I'd want to die once my meto gets here, or if I want to die at all. I think the thing that really made it nice was setting up a safe space in my room with lots of pillows and blankets and all the lights turned off with my windows blacked out. I was also listening to Zelda campfire ambience which was a fantastic touch (highly recommend this, it kept me grounded and I felt like I was camping with the universe). I think the main things were the feeling of euphoria and the fun fractal hallucinations along with the tunnels I felt myself go through whenever I breathed (it was like I could visualize my airways as underpass tunnels).

Anyway that's a long explanation but yeah. I recommend reading some guides on reddit and the psychonaut wiki first. Don't be like me and get something with sorbitol/guaifenesin cuz apparently that's what causes nausea. Pure DXM only. I also took a teaspoon of black pepper prior to tripping cuz apparently that helps, but be cautioned that it's NASTY so only go that route if you really want the hallucinations to be strong.

Robotussin pills are the best form of dxm. You can buy them directly from their website .
Don't go overboard like I did , I took 1000mg once and experienced ego death for over a hour.