Venting i saw a terrifying post today and it made me spiral even worse

[uselessflesh]

i've been ceaselessly suicidal and ill for about a few months now and it doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon, so i've just been rotting in bed scrolling through socials every day. i saw a tiktok where a suicidal person posted screenshots of their friend basically telling op that they can't be around them anymore because it's a detriment to their health; the op was "too far gone", in other words.

i understand that setting boundaries is one thing, i've been in that spot of worrying deathly for someone i hold close to me. but personally i felt sick to my stomach relating it to my own fears. it was a horrible wake up call that i would inevitably face the same demise with the few people i know. now i feel forced to mask and pretend i'm okay so they don't abandon me. it hurts and i only want to die more, seriously. i'm sick of living a life where i have to play a role and stick to it all because i don't have the privilege of medical care or therapy

 

[Aglossa]

I fear this every day too. People always tell you to speak out when you are feeling down, talk about your difficult feelings... But when you open up about being suicidal, it may be way too much for someone to handle. What are they even supposed to do or say? I do not want to lose the people am close to or burden them more than I already do. Yet it is probably the best if you are able to confide your feelings in someone you are close to.

Wish you all the best

 

[folly_]

telling someone you are close to is always a risk. there are always things that can go wrong, of course. up until very recently i had never told anyone out of fear. i cant speak on your experiences,, but i am happy that there is at least someone out in the world who knows what i am going through. my friend reacted as well as you could expect from someone and it made me feel way less alone.

i dont know if this will last forever, but i guess in the grand scheme of things nothing will? ive had to come to terms with the fact that not every relationship will last as long as it possibly could. its so hard to think about this; but in my opinion why not make each relationship as close as you can while you are able to experience it? take some risks and sometimes itll work out in your favor. maybe it sounds silly but thats just what i think

peace x

(edit because i forgot i wanted to say: of course its up to you to decide WHO the person you are confiding in. pick someone who you think really cares for you and will be kind)