Venting I shouldn't fucking care

[darkest]

I've cut off everyone that has ever given a flying fuck about my life and I don't feel like making friendships anymore. Although, for a short amount of time, I felt lonely, didn't like having that feeling before I CTB, and so I wanted to at least have one more convo with one of the only two friends I had. It was a stupid thing, and you could imagine it only ended up in hurting the two of us even more.

I told them about my decision to CTB sometime soon in January and that I've come to be at peace with death and such. For some reason my dumbass just wanted to have a friend during this time but that's so fucking stupid and selfish and fucked up in general so of course they were annoyed at that decision and said things that are still stuck with me until this moment and until I finally fucking die soon.
"You shouldn't fucking care." is one of them, and "as you naturally forget, you are cared for, because you are fun, and smart, and interesting, and believe it or not, nice to spend time with when you aren't threatening to kill yourself."

I think I needed the first one and deserved that second one.

I wasn't exactly in a clear mindset so the response to the second one was just a stupid, "I'm only a good friend at my best and that happens every once in a fucking blue moon", even the grammar of that sucked.
My one "good" takeaway from that is realising I shouldn't care about what would happen both before and after I CTB, I shouldn't have "cared" enough to utter a word about anything I was going through so that no one gets bothered since I don't care what would happen after the fact, it would've all been better off if I just fucking did it already last year and didn't vent about it which only led to it getting postponed and not getting any actual help (my mum refuses to give me therapy but that's a story for another post, maybe).

Me and that friend used to argue a lot because of me not opening up, but then I did and that didn't help either, at least not for long. A while ago they started telling me that they just couldn't help, which is very fair, I'm a lost cause and you can only do so much for one.

I know that friend most likely won't see this, we used to look at this website together, we did so a coupla times ig. we were keeping each other alive, but now they're taking anti-depressants and stuff (all of that is great I'm glad one of us finally got help but yk it makes me feel like I'm the problem even if logically that isn't true but I digress) and getting on a better track which is why I'm so sure they wouldn't see this but part of me wants to apologize and part of me wants to punch them in the face and an even bigger part of me wants them to punch me in the face, I'm just so sick of myself and everything I say and or choose to do, especially that I have BPD, but that's a whole other thing.

Anytime I try venting or going anywhere in a better direction, it all goes south, at least here I have nothing to lose, thank you for reading.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Unfortunately, most people don't know how to do with others that are suicidal, understandably. It doesn't mean they don't care, they merely don't know what to say, and of course, they would rather you stuck around, because they do care about you.

Personally, I don't think you're in the wrong, you just don't think anyone gives a shit about you. You think everyone thinks what you think of yourself, and no matter how much reassurance you have, it doesn't sink in, because our own internal thoughts and feelings about ourself are stronger.

Have you tried to explain, in detail, how much you're struggling? Sometimes it's better to communicate this, in a better way, so others understand why you react the way you do - pushing people away etc.

I hope things ease a little for you

 

[Praestat_Mori]

TL;DR all of it. But you can be sure that we are here for you! Feel free to vent as much as you want here and you will not be judged! That can help as lot already! Whatever you gonna decide is your personal decision.

I'm just so sick of myself and everything I say and or choose to do, especially that I have BPD, but that's a whole other thing.

Maybe that is what you have to learn how to deal with it. If you really want that.

I'm sorry you have to go through al this and life is so rough.

 

[darkest]

Unfortunately, most people don't know how to do with others that are suicidal, understandably. It doesn't mean they don't care, they merely don't know what to say, and of course, they would rather you stuck around, because they do care about you.

Personally, I don't think you're in the wrong, you just don't think anyone gives a shit about you. You think everyone thinks what you think of yourself, and no matter how much reassurance you have, it doesn't sink in, because our own internal thoughts and feelings about ourself are stronger.

Have you tried to explain, in detail, how much you're struggling? Sometimes it's better to communicate this, in a better way, so others understand why you react the way you do - pushing people away etc.

I hope things ease a little for you

You're right, they do care, it's so hard to see or acknowledge even a little bit, but taking their words for it, they do care.

Me and the friend I talked about both have BPD and we understand each other well and we spoke about it a lot before.

I do think I'm the problem though for being so stubborn on CTB but I truly see no other way my life could go that I wouldn't hate, every little thing is so damn difficult I just want it to be over. Whether they care or not, I've become so apathetic to feel anything towards that thought, that anyone could ever truly care, I just want to be gone, they don't want to lose a friend, which is completely fair, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't live for anyone or anything anymore either. It's all so dull, insufferable and pointless.

TL;DR all of it. But you can be sure that we are here for you! Feel free to vent as much as you want here and you will not be judged! That can help as lot already! Whatever you gonna decide is your personal decision.


Maybe that is what you have to learn how to deal with it. If you really want that.

I'm sorry you have to go through al this and life is so rough.

I did try but it was too much effort for me, I can't push through it anymore.

thank you so so much for your kind words <3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I did try but it was too much effort for me, I can't push through it anymore.

It's not exactly the same situation but I totally relate - pushing through with sth is often not possible anymore.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry that conversation turned out so painful. It seems like your friend cares but is frustrated and lacks the skill and nuance to convey her feelings and thoughts properly.

The big majority of people don't know how to deal with things when others are suicidal, and that can include depressed people as well. Not everyone has the social skills for it.

You mentioned your friend having BPD, I think that surely can play a part in triggering their fear of abandonment, losing you. People with BPD are known for being unstable and having a hard time maintaining relationships, it surely was a difficult conversation on both sides. For you for one reason and for them for another.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. You probably like that friend and felt like you were reaching a point in the conversation where you could finally let go of this burden of pretending. Maybe thinking that "this is what friends are for" and you opened your heart. The sentence of "you only like me at my best" I found quite true, people can be like that a lot.

I'm sorry it turned out painful. I just wanted to share my two cents and reiterate a bit what others have said, as I think your friend cares but lacks the ability to express that in a proper way.