Venting I still want to live

[Meowers]

I still want to experience life. To watch the sunset with my cat beside me, to eat lots of delicious food. Want to meet new people, to travel the world. Maybe go on a date or two. But my desire to live is slowly fading away each day. I think my time is about to end soon, I can't stop my own self from killing myself. Life is painful, suffering from sexual and emotional abuse for 20 years up until now. I don't think I can take this anymore. It's like someone's strangling my heart, constricting my throat. It's so painful. It hurts very much, it's really, really painful. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

I just want to live a normal life. Suicide doesn't seem to be something that I would choose do, rather, it's something my mentally ill mind is forcing me to do. All I want in life is for this pain to end. God, why does this invinsible pain hurts so damn much? It's so painful. It hurts my heart how I have to keep quiet about this damn pain when around others.

 

[Mirrory Me]

What do you think normal life is like? Is the moment you get things that "normal people" should have? For "normal people "to validate that- or not to. There's no normal people, people are only acting. They either give you thumps up, or thumps down. People who use the word normal are only lying to to themselves and others. It's not good way to aproach the situation, just to feel "normal".

 

[Meowers]

What do you think normal life is like? Is the moment you get things that "normal people" should have?

A life without being sexually or emotionally abused frequently. So probably yes.

 

[Mirrory Me]

A life without being sexually or emotionally abused frequently. So probably yes.

It's pretty ironic that in order to be free, you have to be vulnerable to feed yourself to others' desires.

 

[derpyderpins]

Have you gotten away from the abuser? I'd say that has to be the priority. So sorry you've had to go through that.

 

[Meowers]

Have you gotten away from the abuser? I'd say that has to be the priority. So sorry you've had to go through that.

Thank you. No, not fully yet. I'll be moving to USA for one year for my internship, then afterwards I'll be going back to my home where I'll get r@ped and abused over and over again.

 

[justkatie]

If I could live a boring steady life where you can just go through the motions without major worries every day, I'd love that.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Without getting away from your abuser you won't be able to find a coping mechanism and to process what had been done to you in the past. This is the crucial thing that must change in your life. It's probably difficult to achieve but you have 1 year in another country to build up new structures. I Hope you find a way to live! Good luck!

 

[Meowers]

Without getting away from your abuser you won't be able to find a coping mechanism and to process what had been done to you in the past. This is the crucial thing that must change in your life. It's probably difficult to achieve but you have 1 year in another country to build up new structures. I Hope you find a way to live! Good luck!

Thank you. Let's see where life takes me. Fingers crossed I'll live through next year.

 

[wren-briar]

Definitely start a proper bucket list and review it often! (You don't want to have started to CTB only to realize that you missed something on your list.)

And absolutely make the most of your year in the States! (Just beware that we have our own sh'tty problems over here too.)

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

While your situation is definitely very serious and it needs to be fixed, the good news is that it IS fixable. I think you'll fully realize this when you spend your year in the US.

 

[lastch]

I'm in the same boat as you. I'd love more than anything to live the life I always thought I would. Finish college, have a good job, have friends, meet someone and get married and have kids. None of that will ever happen now because of how my life has turned out and been ruined by mental illness.

 

[Meowers]

T

Definitely start a proper bucket list and review it often! (You don't want to have started to CTB only to realize that you missed something on your list.)

And absolutely make the most of your year in the States! (Just beware that we have our own sh'tty problems over here too.)

Thank you! Will definitely make a bucket list before CTB. This life is too cruel and harsh for me. I just don't want to stay here any longer.

 

[wren-briar]

This life is too cruel and harsh for me. I just don't want to stay here any longer.

I feel that to my core!

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Life can be evil, cruel and downright so wrong, it makes no sense to me, I understand you want to live, but things are just so difficult, and this situation you are in, can you get the police or anyone else involved? NO-ONE has the right to treat you like this, no-one. I'm not the greatest person to talk to, but I'm here, as are many others, if I can help in any way, I'm here. Wish I could do more, or say something that could help you

 

[Meowers]

Life can be evil, cruel and downright so wrong, it makes no sense to me, I understand you want to live, but things are just so difficult, and this situation you are in, can you get the police or anyone else involved? NO-ONE has the right to treat you like this, no-one. I'm not the greatest person to talk to, but I'm here, as are many others, if I can help in any way, I'm here. Wish I could do more, or say something that could help you

Thank you so much for caring. You're helping me right now. Did tell my parents but they simply brushed it off. I'm in the US now temporarily and I have a year to find a way to stay here. If I didn't find a way to stay here then I'll be CTB-ing cause I'd rather die than return back home.