Exhausted-and-Alone
Member
- Jan 17, 2024
- 9
Let me preface this by saying I apologize if this doesn't make much sense. My brain is still trying to catch up a bit, but I needed to get this off of my chest in a place where people would get it, and where I wouldn't get driven to the hospital in an ambulance.
I was evicted this past November. My fiance neglected to inform me how late and how strapped for cash we were and I haven't been making much money ever since I lost my job last year succeeding my attempt and hospitalization. Ever since the eviction I've been attempting suicide (with varying degrees of commitment) almost weekly. What I'd been doing was a modified night-night method... not trying to choke myself, but trying to subdue the blood flow to my brain. I'd written a note to my fiance thanking him for his time with me, and to the unfortunate soul who discovered my body, apologizing for the trauma he's had to endure and where to find my ID.
Usually what happens is I get to the point where I feel lightheaded and I get exhausted. I then pussy out and release my straps with nothing coming from it; the most that happens is that I attempt again that night, usually a few seconds later, but without much happening. It was during one of these sessions that I realized that I wasn't giving my body enough time to recuperate and was getting closer to passing out.
Today I did it again. I parked in a quiet parking lot, it was dark already so no one could see me and there wasn't security or even cameras. I had a piece of paper where my neck is to avoid any pinching/bruising should I survive. I got my suicide notes/emails scheduled to send or out on the dashboard and went for it. The first attempt didn't result in much, just bloodshot eyes and a feeling of exhaustion. The second resulted in a little bruise on my neck, but I can hide that easily with some makeup. But the third time... I got so fucking close. So fucking close.
I was listening to The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel and looking at a picture of my fiance. And I remember that numb feeling just filling my body and honestly giving me a bit of euphoria. And then midway through the song, I must've passed out, because I don't remember it. I also remember the last time I saw it on my phone while looking at the photo was 10:11.
I remember feeling a pain in my ankle because I was thrashing and writhing, I guess I kicked my ankle against the pedal (the car was off of course). The pain woke me up and I remember forgetting where I was, or what was happening. Initially, I forgot I had straps on, then remembering what they felt like I took the straps off, at which point I started to take some deep breaths and remember where I was and what I was doing. I looked back at the phone and noticed I was midway into the next song and my phone said it was 10:13. I don't remember passing out, I just remember being in the early/middle part of The Sound of Silence and my fiance's face. Then I woke up to a black screen and a different song. So if I'm right, I had effectively either passed out or had a seizure from the night-night method. I think for someone who's not so desperate that seems really fucking scary, but I'm elated! It means the method works and I CAN do this! Fuck I've been so scared for so long and feeling so invalidated because I hadn't died or passed out from my attempts. I felt like I was just doing this for attention (even though I haven't been honest with my IOP therapist or my individual therapist about my recent attempts), but now that I've gotten this far... I feel so much freer. I know I can do this. It doesn't matter that it took me this long to get here, it matters that next time I just have to find something to keep my hands busy/occupied and I'm gone. I am fucking audi 5000 with some luck. Either this week... or the next probably.
I was evicted this past November. My fiance neglected to inform me how late and how strapped for cash we were and I haven't been making much money ever since I lost my job last year succeeding my attempt and hospitalization. Ever since the eviction I've been attempting suicide (with varying degrees of commitment) almost weekly. What I'd been doing was a modified night-night method... not trying to choke myself, but trying to subdue the blood flow to my brain. I'd written a note to my fiance thanking him for his time with me, and to the unfortunate soul who discovered my body, apologizing for the trauma he's had to endure and where to find my ID.
Usually what happens is I get to the point where I feel lightheaded and I get exhausted. I then pussy out and release my straps with nothing coming from it; the most that happens is that I attempt again that night, usually a few seconds later, but without much happening. It was during one of these sessions that I realized that I wasn't giving my body enough time to recuperate and was getting closer to passing out.
Today I did it again. I parked in a quiet parking lot, it was dark already so no one could see me and there wasn't security or even cameras. I had a piece of paper where my neck is to avoid any pinching/bruising should I survive. I got my suicide notes/emails scheduled to send or out on the dashboard and went for it. The first attempt didn't result in much, just bloodshot eyes and a feeling of exhaustion. The second resulted in a little bruise on my neck, but I can hide that easily with some makeup. But the third time... I got so fucking close. So fucking close.
I was listening to The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel and looking at a picture of my fiance. And I remember that numb feeling just filling my body and honestly giving me a bit of euphoria. And then midway through the song, I must've passed out, because I don't remember it. I also remember the last time I saw it on my phone while looking at the photo was 10:11.
I remember feeling a pain in my ankle because I was thrashing and writhing, I guess I kicked my ankle against the pedal (the car was off of course). The pain woke me up and I remember forgetting where I was, or what was happening. Initially, I forgot I had straps on, then remembering what they felt like I took the straps off, at which point I started to take some deep breaths and remember where I was and what I was doing. I looked back at the phone and noticed I was midway into the next song and my phone said it was 10:13. I don't remember passing out, I just remember being in the early/middle part of The Sound of Silence and my fiance's face. Then I woke up to a black screen and a different song. So if I'm right, I had effectively either passed out or had a seizure from the night-night method. I think for someone who's not so desperate that seems really fucking scary, but I'm elated! It means the method works and I CAN do this! Fuck I've been so scared for so long and feeling so invalidated because I hadn't died or passed out from my attempts. I felt like I was just doing this for attention (even though I haven't been honest with my IOP therapist or my individual therapist about my recent attempts), but now that I've gotten this far... I feel so much freer. I know I can do this. It doesn't matter that it took me this long to get here, it matters that next time I just have to find something to keep my hands busy/occupied and I'm gone. I am fucking audi 5000 with some luck. Either this week... or the next probably.
