Venting I swear I can't keep going

[loveable_lamb]

Hey, so in my first post I had this whole planning for how I was gonna go about ctb. I've been postponing it because I have no energy and, honestly, no courage either. But the suffering hasn't stopped for a day and i just can't keep going anymore. I'm in so much pain. I just want it to stop. And I wish I'd have the fucking strength to follow the plan so everything i leave behind is sorted out, I don't make any rushed decisions and I get to say goodbye to things. But idk how to keep going any longer really.
Snorted about 1/3-1/2 of the H I had bought to ctb with. I'm pretty sure it is still enough to od with. I'm so in doubt tho cuz if I cook this up there's no going back. The shot will be too strong to use for anything else than an od. Never did IV either. I'm so anxious. Literally bawling my eyes out cuz I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired of everything. Wish someone could pull the trigger for me

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for one day.

 

[GoSan1]

The state between thanatophobia and suicidal ideation is one form of hell. Wanting to die but also not wanting to cease to exist. Hoping for peace after death but scared of finding out what awaits one on death.

It sucks and I get what you mean. The amount of times I have said I can't do this anymore, just to be still alive and continue to suffer. It is unfair, for all of us.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it painful to exist, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[Hotsackage]

Sleep can reset things, just saying if you're unsure time does move on, and mind states do to. Wish you well

 

[loveable_lamb]

Sleep can reset things, just saying if you're unsure time does move on, and mind states do to. Wish you well

yeah i went out because i knew my ex-best friend and a common friend were going to the movies. completely uninvited but i travelled 1h30 just for my ex-best friend to book it on his bike as soon as he saw me.
my heart is shattered but at least he gave the last twist of the knife that i so badly needed.

am too far away from my dorm during nighttime so there's no public transport anymore. i'm on my way to my mom's office to sit there for a few hours and take the first train to my dorm. i hope my mind doesn't change in the meantime. this truly was the last drop. neither the ex-best friend nor common friend have reached out to me since the incident an hour ago.
also wrote my psychologist a scheduled email saying that i won't come to our appointment in the morning and to send police/ambulance to my adress to collect my body

 

[Hotsackage]

yeah i went out because i knew my ex-best friend and a common friend were going to the movies. completely uninvited but i travelled 1h30 just for my ex-best friend to book it on his bike as soon as he saw me.
my heart is shattered but at least he gave the last twist of the knife that i so badly needed.

am too far away from my dorm during nighttime so there's no public transport anymore. i'm on my way to my mom's office to sit there for a few hours and take the first train to my dorm. i hope my mind doesn't change in the meantime. this truly was the last drop. neither the ex-best friend nor common friend have reached out to me since the incident an hour ago.
also wrote my psychologist a scheduled email saying that i won't come to our appointment in the morning and to send police/ambulance to my adress to collect my body

Just sit for the few hours, reflect, and go from there. All things must pass, George harrison