Namelesa
Trapped in this Suffering
- Sep 21, 2024
- 405
(I think this is the best section to do this thread as it is partly about recovery) I don't think I am able to ctb at all due to my parents trapping and restricting me. I can't go outside (unless I walk the dog but even then I can't go travel far) nor can buy things online on my own. The one method I had access is a bust now cus one of the objects needed for it broke the last time I attempted it so the method has become unreliable and I don't think I can do it else where. Honestly I wish I had access to a method even if I didn't intend on 100% wanting to die as I would feel less trapped and that there is a plan B if I can't handle life anymore.
Seen as I am forced to keep living, I guess I have to give trying to get better another go and I do have genuine reasons to stay alive. I want to be able to continue developing the games I want to make and be able to see and maybe live with my best friend. I just find it so difficult in either having to deal with too little emotion or too much of it. It is hard to consistently keep working as I can get burnt out and I can't even physically see my friend due to both our families restrictions. I have trouble with feelings of emptiness and its getting hard to fill void as time passes. I have tried using friends as a way to decrease the emptiness but its often made me feel worse cus of the risk of abandonment and increasing guilt and worthlessness if I do something wrong.
Question is should I try to make money to try and escape my living situation? Do I attempt to finish making the game I am developing now and make money off it? Do I try do some other form of online work to get money? I probably won't even be able to do some other type of work cus I don't like being constricted to being told what to do in most cases scared of failure or disappointment. I do have one idea about a type of work I can do but won't mention about it here now but otherwise I don't think I am fit to do any other work. Or should I just try to wait it out and pretend I am less suicidal so that I could get more freedom and maybe be able to see my friend? I don't expect answers to these questions as I am probably the one if the most information on what choices I should make, just mostly wanting to vent out my frustration with not knowing what to do and how trapped I feel with it being hard to get better or to ctb.
Seen as I am forced to keep living, I guess I have to give trying to get better another go and I do have genuine reasons to stay alive. I want to be able to continue developing the games I want to make and be able to see and maybe live with my best friend. I just find it so difficult in either having to deal with too little emotion or too much of it. It is hard to consistently keep working as I can get burnt out and I can't even physically see my friend due to both our families restrictions. I have trouble with feelings of emptiness and its getting hard to fill void as time passes. I have tried using friends as a way to decrease the emptiness but its often made me feel worse cus of the risk of abandonment and increasing guilt and worthlessness if I do something wrong.
Question is should I try to make money to try and escape my living situation? Do I attempt to finish making the game I am developing now and make money off it? Do I try do some other form of online work to get money? I probably won't even be able to do some other type of work cus I don't like being constricted to being told what to do in most cases scared of failure or disappointment. I do have one idea about a type of work I can do but won't mention about it here now but otherwise I don't think I am fit to do any other work. Or should I just try to wait it out and pretend I am less suicidal so that I could get more freedom and maybe be able to see my friend? I don't expect answers to these questions as I am probably the one if the most information on what choices I should make, just mostly wanting to vent out my frustration with not knowing what to do and how trapped I feel with it being hard to get better or to ctb.
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