I think I figured out how to live with my pain

[SoulCage]

The last few days I have been feeling better, more brain/body active, because I found a way to accept my pain without going through the hassle of finding, testing and successfully executing a peaceful CTB method.
I keep repeating the following rant:
__
If people keep insisting that I must exist, that I have to keep feeling tired and sick every day and do not offer me a peaceful exit (euthanasia) then I will totally exploit the social security system of my country. I have to live, because you want me to live. Society doesn't care about my suffering so why should I care about taking your tax money until I die of "natural causes". If you want me to stop, just fulfill my wish.
__

I used to be extremely ashamed of people judging me for using the system, a system that I believed was for the sick and disadvantaged people. I thought that people will think less of me, would ignore me if I use it without a real reason. And also felt bad because I was taking resources away from people who really need it. But you know what? People ignore me already anyway, even when I had an interesting life and a supportive attitude! It doesn't matter how I contribute to this world. All I ever got was just more problems and more Bad experiences with strangers.
In my country (Central Europe), I can have free healthcare with only 1 condition: I have to apply for jobs. But even if I get a job and it sucks ass, I'll just take my time and relax. I will not do work when I am sick or too tired and If they want to fire me then do it. I don't care.
That being said, I currently have no problem with housing or food, because I live with my boyfriend who is such a positive thinker, it's ridiculous that he hasn't left me yet. He believes I can be saved and provides the means. In return I have to do some kind of activity (other than wasting at home) and I am thinking... I'll just demand whatever doctor there is while watching my social worker judging me.
In my wishful thinking this could either lead to:
A.) Maybe there is some kind of job out there that doesn't suck ass and pays decent money to enjoy the riches of a developed country (and still ignoring that I need something for my old age)
Or
B.) Maybe after years of work with doctors I somehow get approved for a peaceful exit :)

This plan goes to shit in case my positive boyfriend finally realizes that I am a useless and annoying burden and finally dumps me. If he gives up then well.. I still have my resources to do my own exit (even though I might not manage to do it peacefully...)

For the person who reads this far and feels bad/jealous because of my heartless exploitation plan... I am sorry you are not able to tolerate/follow this due to your circumstances (physical or economical). I am totally aware about what is going on in the world and that I live in a privileged place. But I have also gone through a lot of pain and I hate that the world is in so much pain. You can judge me all you want if it makes you feel better. I need to get used at being judged (I am actually a chronical people pleaser...)


Side note: I am posting this on SaSu, because I believe that it's something I should not share with any person I am close with. Still I needed to share it in a public setting because I kinda wonder what people are thinking about this "plan" of mine.
Is it okay to take advantage of the system when you actually want to die?
Why do people judge me for exploiting it, but at the same time insist that I have to exist? (Obviously, healthy people think I am lazy and not that I want to CTB. Still... It hate the hypocrisy).

 

[GreenOctober]

No repl

The last few days I have been feeling better, more brain/body active, because I found a way to accept my pain without going through the hassle of finding, testing and successfully executing a peaceful CTB method.
I keep repeating the following rant:
__
If people keep insisting that I must exist, that I have to keep feeling tired and sick every day and do not offer me a peaceful exit (euthanasia) then I will totally exploit the social security system of my country. I have to live, because you want me to live. Society doesn't care about my suffering so why should I care about taking your tax money until I die of "natural causes". If you want me to stop, just fulfill my wish.
__

I used to be extremely ashamed of people judging me for using the system, a system that I believed was for the sick and disadvantaged people. I thought that people will think less of me, would ignore me if I use it without a real reason. And also felt bad because I was taking resources away from people who really need it. But you know what? People ignore me already anyway, even when I had an interesting life and a supportive attitude! It doesn't matter how I contribute to this world. All I ever got was just more problems and more Bad experiences with strangers.
In my country (Central Europe), I can have free healthcare with only 1 condition: I have to apply for jobs. But even if I get a job and it sucks ass, I'll just take my time and relax. I will not do work when I am sick or too tired and If they want to fire me then do it. I don't care.
That being said, I currently have no problem with housing or food, because I live with my boyfriend who is such a positive thinker, it's ridiculous that he hasn't left me yet. He believes I can be saved and provides the means. In return I have to do some kind of activity (other than wasting at home) and I am thinking... I'll just demand whatever doctor there is while watching my social worker judging me.
In my wishful thinking this could either lead to:
A.) Maybe there is some kind of job out there that doesn't suck ass and pays decent money to enjoy the riches of a developed country (and still ignoring that I need something for my old age)
Or
B.) Maybe after years of work with doctors I somehow get approved for a peaceful exit :)

This plan goes to shit in case my positive boyfriend finally realizes that I am a useless and annoying burden and finally dumps me. If he gives up then well.. I still have my resources to do my own exit (even though I might not manage to do it peacefully...)

For the person who reads this far and feels bad/jealous because of my heartless exploitation plan... I am sorry you are not able to tolerate/follow this due to your circumstances (physical or economical). I am totally aware about what is going on in the world and that I live in a privileged place. But I have also gone through a lot of pain and I hate that the world is in so much pain. You can judge me all you want if it makes you feel better. I need to get used at being judged (I am actually a chronical people pleaser...)


Side note: I am posting this on SaSu, because I believe that it's something I should not share with any person I am close with. Still I needed to share it in a public setting because I kinda wonder what people are thinking about this "plan" of mine.
Is it okay to take advantage of the system when you actually want to die?
Why do people judge me for exploiting it, but at the same time insist that I have to exist? (Obviously, healthy people think I am lazy and not that I want to CTB. Still... It hate the hypocrisy).

No replies so here you go:
1. Nothing wrong with Grifting the system, it actively goes against the individual.
2. You're getting judged because it's not just they want you to live it's to live in a specific way, even if it hurts you they think you'll eventually adjust.
3. Basically, don't feel bad because ur time can be used for something else instead.

I'm an armchair sociologist btw~

 

[SoulCage]

I feel the need to share my current situation, so I am writing it here.

My "plan" is crumbling, because now more than ever I fear that I could upset and lose my boyfriend, my companion of 15 years. I started therapy, paid with my savings (government not involved) and that therapist gives me hope for a better future, although it's clear she is just painting optimistic pictures just so that I am tricked into trying to improve. And this trick worked. I am imagining this stupid little future with my boyfriend, a little family in a nice home close to other people who enjoy our company. And the thought is comforting, BUT it's still just an imagination. There is no proof that this possibility can become reality. There are so many factors that make it less likely to achieve.
I started looking at possible Jobs again, trying to find a compromise. But I get so stressed and tired thinking about the work conditions and the need to perform. Having to get out of bed when I am dizzy from exhaustion. I can't imagine going through hell every morning just so I can have a few moments that feel good. There is no way that both is possible simultaneously (I have experienced it in the past).

I am sick of being so tired all the time, I tried so many things to improve this condition, but it never changes. I can't CTB, because I don't want him to go through pain, but my existence is just so useless when I don't have the energy to play the game of life.

I guess I just continue with therapy, continue to live my life in sleep mode and hope he won't leave me.

 

[SoulCage]

I am still alive... Why?

I quit the therapy after 4 months, because I was sick wasting money on the therapist's lies. She would always explain how thoughtful and helpful the social system is, but when we called the number to get some basic information about how they could help with my condition, they were very resentful and just interested if I can work or not.
The answer was exactly what I expected - not the ideal solution that my therapist tried to sell me. That they would help me to plan a future that considers my condition. It just confirmed AGAIN that I am not wanted. That I am not normal. That I am useless.

After that, 2 weeks ago, I actually managed to get hired for low wage job that I believed was interesting enough to endure the exhaustion that comes with working. But oh boy was I wrong. The hours suck, I am in more physical pain, I am mentally exhausted from the stress and the many new things I have to learn, I never have time to eat healthy meals, seeing the class divide in action (because I am working for the upper middle class) makes me even more emotional about what I cannot have.
I try to hold on a little longer, maybe it was just a bad week due to bad staffing, but I have a feeling it's not worth the pain.

Problem is.. what is worth the pain? I can't find anything that ensures housing/food security AND doesn't lead to suffering. Life is so stupid and long. And I fucked up opportunities to make it easier, because they were too complex for me or because I felt too ashamed to take advantage of.

I don't think I can ever recover.
All the work I put into recovery the past 4 months hasn't done anything.

I love my partner, tho I wish I wouldn't. I wish we had never met. It hurts so much knowing that he suffers because of me (while I am alive and in case I CTB). He will never be happy again unless I leave without dying.

I hope a fatal accident or illness is close. It would make the separation more easy to accept.

 

[SoulCage]

I can't do this job anymore. It's too hard. I am in so much pain and so exhausted. It has been a month and it's not getting better at all. The management is hostile and judgemental they treat me like a robot. It's not worth anything in life.

Back to own savings and my partners support for food, shelter and internet. Back to enduring the guilt and the sense of failure.

I have a psych appointment coming up and I am just gonna say everything what's on my mind. I don't care what they do to me. I don't care if they take all my money (or actually my partners money). They want me to stay alive, they think I can recover. Then they have to pay for it. If they refuse then I have only one option, because I am unable to support myself. Or rather.. no motivation to endure the pain and suffering that comes with supporting myself. It just isn't worth it.

 

[Leiot]

About exploiting the system: I remember in one of my graduate tax classes the instructor told us that "Tax evasion is illegal. Tax avoidance is not." You didn't create the system so go for it.

The caviat to that is how are you going to feel about using the system? Are you going to feel better about yourself or not? Is is something you can use until you get on your feet? Only you can answer that.

I have been on disability for over 20 years now and I hate it. I hate not working, I hate how I feel useless and how I don't contribute. When you meet people one of the things that get asked is 'What are you'. You may be a programmer, or a cop, or a teacher or something else. When you're disabled, what are you? Nothing. I despise myself.

I feel for young people now because things are really worse than they were when I was your age. I read that to have the same buying power I had working for minimum wage in 1976 you'd have to make $28 USD/hr now. Just to be where I was almost 50 years ago. No wonder so many of them give up.

But one thing you all have over what we did is that the barriers to entry are way lower. It used to be to get a job in IT it took a 4-year degree. Now you can go to the library and learn everything over the Internet. There was a young woman some of us were following on Twitter who was a single mom, came out of an abusive relationship - the whole crappy situation. She started learning iPhone programming and in less than a year got a job that paid well enough that she could move into her own place. We all cheered her on.

 

[SoulCage]

I can't do this job anymore. It's too hard. I am in so much pain and so exhausted. It has been a month and it's not getting better at all. The management is hostile and judgemental they treat me like a robot. It's not worth anything in life.

Back to own savings and my partners support for food, shelter and internet. Back to enduring the guilt and the sense of failure.

I have a psych appointment coming up and I am just gonna say everything what's on my mind. I don't care what they do to me. I don't care if they take all my money (or actually my partners money). They want me to stay alive, they think I can recover. Then they have to pay for it. If they refuse then I have only one option, because I am unable to support myself. Or rather.. no motivation to endure the pain and suffering that comes with supporting myself. It just isn't worth it.

Another update...

My psych appointment should have been 1 month ago, but the doctor had to move it to another date. The extra waiting was agonizing, waiting another month to figure out if it's worth trying to recover...

So it was yesterday and I can't remember much from the conversation, because I totally lost it after a couple of questions. My brain went into a state of chaos. That's why I can't and don't want to share all the Details...
I only remember that she was kinda hostile, probably because I told her that I am scared of doctors, because they rarely have taken me seriously and it never felt like I got help that made my situation better. And because I told her that I am scared of the social security system, that they won't approve me of getting affordable help.
She said.. I just have to go to the system and deal with it. Otherwise I will continue to suffer.
I repeated that I am so overwhelmed by the bureaucracy and it's so hard for me that I just want to take my own life. She asked a few questions about my plans or if I attempted before. I have not and my plans are there in case I feel like i can't even try to get better anymore.
She wrote it down, but seems like she didn't believe that I would do anything at the moment.

And I probably won't for now, because I promised myself to give this try a chance. She is right with "you just gotta deal with it". But the way she said it... It felt like that if I can't take care of it then I am just a lost cause. And it's really unsettling to get this feeling from a doctor. What if I can't pull it off myself? I just have to suffer until I die? Is that the message?

Next up is just taking the pills she prescribed me and hopefully I get calm enough to deal with social workers that are supposed to help me to get me back into society's treadmill.
I don't know if I can though... I know what it feels like to work shitty jobs just to survive and it's not really worth it. There is only hope to find something that I can tolerate.

If I can't improve things until my deadline next year then I will end my existence myself.