Venting i think im fundamentally unloveable

[threevoices]

ive felt this way for a long time but its starting to hit me all at once recently. almost all of my loved ones for my whole life either were using me or just simply didnt care about me, and disposed of me when i was no longer palatable to them.

i only have one friend who makes an effort to reach out to me, and even then i end up reaching out to him more than he reaches out to me. i do participate in social stuff at my school, and im always trying to engage with others more, but no one really cares enough about me to actually want to talk to me specifically. anytime i try to engage with others online, more often than not i end up being ignored and outcast by everyone. i feel disgusting and evil. i feel like theres something wrong with me that everyone except me notices.

i just want to be loved. i want to matter to someone. i want to be the most important something to someone. friend, lover, i dont care. i am tired of there always being someone more important than me to the people who are most important to me. i am tired of being so easy to replace. i am tired of not mattering as soon as the conversation ends.

ive run through everyone know in my mind, and none of them would really care all that much if i died, hell some might even be relieved or happy. the only person i think might care is my one friend, but honestly he would be fine after maybe a week. i doubt he would even show to my funeral, honestly. i doubt anyone would honestly except for family who only showed up out of feelings of obligation.

i would ctb now but i still have obligations i need to fulfill and i would feel guilty for leaving people waiting on something thatll never happen.

 

[suicidalthoughts]

I can be your new friend

 

[777cave]

I'm sorry, sounds really rough.

 

[Haematemesis]

i understand rationalizing your emotions and biological needs doesn't always help but i will do my best to explain hoping it gives some kind of a relief

we are a highly social species. we can not survive on our own or even in little groups. this is why we crave sociality and connection. love is a type of it alongside trust, cooperation etc.

naturally people who were unable to connect with other people would die or at least wouldn't be able to reproduce but this is not the case because we provide basic survival abilities even without sociality. if you have a job you can live a somewhat mediocre life even without sociality

but our brains didn't just get rid of the pain that lack of sociality and love causes. this type of pain and strong desire to socialize would help you survive and reproduce even if hurts but now it is just a burden. think about it, you could live a successful life without the pain of these emotions because you wouldn't be able to feel and understand them to begin with

i think this is the problem. it is not our fault, it is a by-product of the society's rapid change in contrast to the slower evolution of our brains

I don't know if I'm right or wrong but i felt a need to share this, i hope this helps.