I think my mom just implied that she was ok with me ctbing

[ringo99]

She's in her 60s now with several lifestyle diseases from dealing with my abusive father and working a series of stressful jobs. We were talking about cats and whether or not it was a good idea to have one in an apartment. Pretty mundane. There are a lot of feral cats and stray dogs in my neighborhood. And considering how cats are great escape artists, I told her that if it got out and was killed by one of the ferals roaming around it'd be heartbreaking, like losing a child. She replied that if someone loses a child or a pet we just have to deal with it and move on with our lives. Didn't meet my eyes when she said it. It feels like she knew and was mentally preparing herself for me to ctb in the future.

Wasn't sure how to interpret it in the moment but it looked as though my death wouldn't cause her the shattering trauma a parent usually faces when losing a child. I felt a little more at ease when I replayed that conversation in my head today. One less thing to worry about. I don't a rat fuck about what happens to my father or how he feels. If hell existed, he'd deserve to suffer a thousand lifetimes there for all the pain he's caused us. To say he's a failure as a parent would be a gross understatement.

Do you guys think I'm reading this wrongly? Is there a chance I could've misunderstood my mom?

 

[loneloser]

I don't think she meant it that way, personally, but you know your mother more than I do of course.

She replied that if someone loses a child or a pet we just have to deal with it and move on with our lives.

This is inherently true for most people, you can't really do much other than grieve and move on. Maybe the part where she said "move on with our lives" without including a grief period struck you the wrong way? I don't know... Sorry if I wasn't much help

 

[ringo99]

I don't think she meant it that way, personally, but you know your mother more than I do of course.


This is inherently true for most people, you can't really do much other than grieve and move on. Maybe the part where she said "move on with our lives" without including a grief period struck you the wrong way? I don't know... Sorry if I wasn't much help

Thanks for your answer. It's not about the grief period or lack thereof that annoyed me. I don't care whether people grieve my passing or not. Won't be around to see it anyway. Just that I've never heard her express her thoughts about death in that way before. Like I mentioned, she didn't meet my eyes when she said it either and quickly changed the subject.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Is there a chance I could've misunderstood my mom?

Yes, at the very least I think you're taking your interpretation a few steps too far.
At most she said that she'll try her best to move on, but I doubt even that.

In the context of pets; when you get one, you ought to expect to see it die, eventually. It's sad but true.
I don't know why she brought children into the sentence, but I doubt she was thinking about you killing yourself. Maybe she had someone struggling with the loss of a child in her mind - a friend, or something from TV, could be anything.

 

[_D_]

You might have misinterpreted what she was saying, I think might have phrased it that way because of what you said:

"it'd be heartbreaking, like losing a child."

It could be the case that when she responded:

"if someone loses a child or a pet we just have to deal with it and move on with our lives"

she only said it that way because you equated the death of a cat to the death of a child, and she just happened to respond that way.

However, I care more about the conclusion you came to:

it looked as though my death wouldn't cause her the shattering trauma a parent usually faces when losing a child.

For one, it really sounds like you're guilt tripping your mom for not reacting the way you expected her to react if you killed yourself. When a parent loses a child, yes it is a shattering trauma. But even the worst most earth shattering traumas have to be processed and dealt with if you want to move on with your life, and that's the point she was making.

And, in the case that she said it with the intent of informing you that she would move on even if you killed yourself, I would look at it more as her giving you the reassurance that your death would not be the death of her, and that you shouldn't feel guilty if you decided to kill yourself. Which is a pretty generous statement considering so many people respond to suicidal thoughts with things like "I'd never forgive myself/you if you committed" or "I'd kill myself if you committed", so honestly good for her for taking that stance.

All in all I wouldn't read into it, and if you're going to kill yourself go ahead

 

[ringo99]

it really sounds like you're guilt tripping your mom

How exactly am I guilt tripping her here? I literally mentioned in my post that if she did mean what I think she did, I'd be relieved and it'd be one less thing to be concerned about. I won't even know if she'll revisit that conversation in her head when I'm gone. The reason why I want to know is because it affects my decision on whether or not to leave a final note for her and what I'll say in it if I do

 

[_D_]

How exactly am I guilt tripping her here? I literally mentioned in my post that if she did mean what I think she did, I'd be relieved and it's one less thing to be concerned about. The reason why I want to know is because it affects my decision on whether or not to leave a final note for her and what I'll say in it if I do

It's just the way you worded it "my death wouldn't cause her the shattering trauma a parent usually faces when losing a child". A parent usually has trauma from the death of their child, but not my mom.
But like I said it doesn't really matter and I really don't think you meant it that way at all
what did you think about the rest of my reply though

 

[ringo99]

what did you think about the rest of my reply though

Yeah I agree that it's more generous than most people if I read her correctly. Although I disagree with you telling me not to read too much into it. The only time I told her that I felt like ctbing was over 10 years ago and she responded to it in a monumentally incompetent manner that left me feeling totally humiliated. Never brought it up again. Even though I don't talk about my feelings anymore, I'm sure she's noticed that my mental state has been deteriorating steadily over time. Anyway thanks for your reply. I'll try to approach the topic again as obliquely as possible at a different time and see if I can understand better.

 

[needthebus]

She's in her 60s now with several lifestyle diseases from dealing with my abusive father and working a series of stressful jobs. We were talking about cats and whether or not it was a good idea to have one in an apartment. Pretty mundane. There are a lot of feral cats and stray dogs in my neighborhood. And considering how cats are great escape artists, I told her that if it got out and was killed by one of the ferals roaming around it'd be heartbreaking, like losing a child. She replied that if someone loses a child or a pet we just have to deal with it and move on with our lives. Didn't meet my eyes when she said it. It feels like she knew and was mentally preparing herself for me to ctb in the future.

Wasn't sure how to interpret it in the moment but it looked as though my death wouldn't cause her the shattering trauma a parent usually faces when losing a child. I felt a little more at ease when I replayed that conversation in my head today. One less thing to worry about. I don't a rat fuck about what happens to my father or how he feels. If hell existed, he'd deserve to suffer a thousand lifetimes there for all the pain he's caused us. To say he's a failure as a parent would be a gross understatement.

Do you guys think I'm reading this wrongly? Is there a chance I could've misunderstood my mom?

i lost a friend to ongoing self-harm and when she discussed being suicidal i told her it was her choice and i would move on if she did it and i would hope if i ever ctb/died that she would do the same but did ask her to try to stay alive at the time. but i'm having a hard time moving on (joined SaSu after her death).

Your mom probably knows you are unhappy and is trying to give you permission if you've been chronically depressed for a long time. I think parents have children wanting them to be happy and many parents would be okay (on some level) with a chronically unhappy child dying (but would grieve tremendously after).

She must care about you a lot to put things that way, ironically. She's not trying to guilt you into staying alive to meet her own needs, she wants you to be happy or be free to do what you want, which may not be easy for her to do. She probably knows and on some level is saying it's your choice if you need to. It's hard to know, though. Have you dealt with depression a while? Could she have any guess you are suicidal?

It also may be that life has been so hard for her she really sees it that way: life is hard and you just have to keep going, or perhaps that's how she genuinely sees it. But yeah, it would probably still be shattering trauma, she just loves you enough not to guilt you into being alive for her or believes people should carry on.

She sounds kind and genuine.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think she strongly suspects you want to CTB? In which case, I think the phrase could have more relevance. I would also interpret it in the way you did- that perhaps she is reasuring you that she would eventually be ok. Or at least, that she'd have to simply accept it eventually. Almost as if she's thinking out loud.

The reality of the situation may well be something else though. Probably, none of us really know how our suicides may affect our loved ones. Even death in general really. Some people we might imagine may not be impacted but, react deeply. Others we assume would go to pieces over a loss actually seem to hold it together.

It can be very odd skirting around the discussion of death and suicide with parents when you feel like they may suspect but, not entirely realise.

All I tend to get from my Dad is how much I need to look after myself. Which, is sort of kind but is also confirmation that he's in no position to let go of me.

 

[Reflection]

I wouldn't be so sure because sometimes people don't feel/understand what they're talking about until it happens and hits them like a truck.

 

[needthebus]

I wouldn't be so sure because sometimes people don't feel/understand what they're talking about until it happens and hits them like a truck.

It could be true also.

That's the unfortunate thing about the mental health industry locking people up involuntarily if they mention being really suicidal in horrible demeaning conditions: it stops people from being honest and having honest conversations.

But it least it looks good for the mental health industry and they get paid oodles and oodles of money any time they lock someone up involuntarily, which can be financially ruinous for the person locked up.