I run out of recovery thread ideas. I have said everything positive that feels real for me. And I don't want to write stuff I don't believe in.
I think I am very careful when considering suicide. I once again realized that some days ago. I don't want to commit suicide lightly that is for sure. And here is why:
Some days ago I debated to buy SN in order to take it as soon as possible if something very horrible happens. Finally I did not order it yet but that might change in the future. I am scared of self-fulfiling prophecies and in which directions my mind might nudge me if I had it at home. Maybe less impulse control, nervous and anxious debates whether to take it or not, maybe a desire of self-destruction could break through and take me any chance of being productive. I am the very anxious type who ruminates non stop. I could imagine I would throw it away if it made me insane and I don't want to risk a punishment for something I might throw away.
When I debated suicide internally I felt an immense pressure and weight on my shoulders. For me it clearly is an existential decision that requires a lot of pain to go through with. (it made me extremely depressed approaching the topic seriously but I think it would/will not stop me to go through with it eventually)
If I had have the choice not to be born I would have taken that option. But now when I am alive I genuinely want to make the best out of the cards life has dealt me. I think my last seconds on earth will be full of pain and remorse how many horrible things have happened to me. (abuse and bullying) However I want to be convinced that I have tried everything that was possible for a less tragic outcome of my life. I think for me saying goodbye to the world would be easier if I knew I have done that.
I know not all people have as much resources as me. But for me there were some must-haves on my list. I explained my situation to people that know me in real life. I tried to listen to different perspectives also to the ones I was not comfortable with. For me these were also therapists. I had 3 psychotherapies and 5 clinic stays. I know I am privileged for my health insurance that I live in Germany. I read literature on human biases and also talked with therapists about them. The nature of depression and other mental illnesses. Personally I tried over 25 different medication the number is that high because I have several conditions and I wanted to find medication where I could live with the side-effects. I tried things I never believed in. Sometimes there really were surprises. I never believed I could attend college a second time. During depression I thought twice the major depression would never go away on which I was wrong. I tried a systemic analysis of my opportunities, weaknesses, strengths with my therapist. I explained my reasons why I want to commit suicide to different people. Not all replies were empathetic but it was interesting to see how the people react and what their personal way is to deal with it. Another benefit of that is they won't be fully surprised when I finally do it. And cannot pretend (honestly) they would have known nothing.
I read philosophers but also the ones who loved life and considered life to be a gift. People who criticize antinatalism, nihilism and existentialism. So I want to know the arguments of my opponents to see the full picture of life. One does not have to agree with them but I want to make an informed decision.
I tried self-help advices. I tried to build a life on several foundation pillars. There are some in mental health education. You need certain pillars for a fulfiled and happy life. And I tried to fulfil as many as possible. Here some of the things I mean "The four pillars of happiness are loving and engaged relationships, a sense of purpose, an attitude of optimism, and a connection to spirituality." Or the PERMA model of happiness/ science of happiness: There are five building blocks that enable flourishing – Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment (hence PERMA™) – and there are strategies to increase each.
I tried to develop an own value system that gives me meaning and I tried to find a personal philosophy that gives me positive feelings and still feels real. I read literature of people that inspired me. I read David Foster Wallace because I could very well relate. Maybe not a good choice for all people who want to recover. But it inspired me how much he had tried in his life to get better. How we could protect himself from nihilism and cynicism despite all of his mental anguish.
I tried to find a support network something I was successful in. I am good at finding friends however I suck at love and in getting a stable income. I tried to spot possible sources for support. You can do research on the internet depending on the issue but there are also facilities for that.
I gave life a couple of times a chance despite the fact I felt like it was worthless. I mean you can stil commit suicide in the future (usually).
Maybe to the point with being smart. I genuinely think "throwing away" your life is not a smart choice. Life can be good for some people. There are things to enjoy in life. There is love, sex, social connections, movies, literature, video games, the internet, books, music, sports, creative writing. There are so many niches. And everyone of us has some things that make life for them more endurable. There are choices in life. I wanted to explore whether I could find a way of life for me that seemed to be worthwhile, sustainable, best pleasure/pain relation and which felt real to me. The problem for me is the sustainability component. Before throwing away the game with anger and pain I wanted to know in which directions I could possible head. I could add some personal conclusions I have drawn but this might not be recovery material. Lol. I would not equate throwing away your life with committing suicide. I rather mean by throwing away your life a decision that was done impulsively or because of a problem that could have been solved by hard work or taking time. Sometimes time can heal wounds and a certain distance can help to see issues from a different perspective.
I think to kill yourself as quick as possible without knowing your chances in real life is not a smart choice. When you are alive you will probably feel a lot of pain in the process of committing suicide. Also due to the survival instinct, fears for example what will happen to your loved ones. I would only want to endure that pain if I was fully without a doubt convinced that I am making an informed and rational decision. Hence all the things I listed here in this thread for that purpose.
I think I am very careful when considering suicide. I once again realized that some days ago. I don't want to commit suicide lightly that is for sure. And here is why:
Some days ago I debated to buy SN in order to take it as soon as possible if something very horrible happens. Finally I did not order it yet but that might change in the future. I am scared of self-fulfiling prophecies and in which directions my mind might nudge me if I had it at home. Maybe less impulse control, nervous and anxious debates whether to take it or not, maybe a desire of self-destruction could break through and take me any chance of being productive. I am the very anxious type who ruminates non stop. I could imagine I would throw it away if it made me insane and I don't want to risk a punishment for something I might throw away.
When I debated suicide internally I felt an immense pressure and weight on my shoulders. For me it clearly is an existential decision that requires a lot of pain to go through with. (it made me extremely depressed approaching the topic seriously but I think it would/will not stop me to go through with it eventually)
If I had have the choice not to be born I would have taken that option. But now when I am alive I genuinely want to make the best out of the cards life has dealt me. I think my last seconds on earth will be full of pain and remorse how many horrible things have happened to me. (abuse and bullying) However I want to be convinced that I have tried everything that was possible for a less tragic outcome of my life. I think for me saying goodbye to the world would be easier if I knew I have done that.
I know not all people have as much resources as me. But for me there were some must-haves on my list. I explained my situation to people that know me in real life. I tried to listen to different perspectives also to the ones I was not comfortable with. For me these were also therapists. I had 3 psychotherapies and 5 clinic stays. I know I am privileged for my health insurance that I live in Germany. I read literature on human biases and also talked with therapists about them. The nature of depression and other mental illnesses. Personally I tried over 25 different medication the number is that high because I have several conditions and I wanted to find medication where I could live with the side-effects. I tried things I never believed in. Sometimes there really were surprises. I never believed I could attend college a second time. During depression I thought twice the major depression would never go away on which I was wrong. I tried a systemic analysis of my opportunities, weaknesses, strengths with my therapist. I explained my reasons why I want to commit suicide to different people. Not all replies were empathetic but it was interesting to see how the people react and what their personal way is to deal with it. Another benefit of that is they won't be fully surprised when I finally do it. And cannot pretend (honestly) they would have known nothing.
I read philosophers but also the ones who loved life and considered life to be a gift. People who criticize antinatalism, nihilism and existentialism. So I want to know the arguments of my opponents to see the full picture of life. One does not have to agree with them but I want to make an informed decision.
I tried self-help advices. I tried to build a life on several foundation pillars. There are some in mental health education. You need certain pillars for a fulfiled and happy life. And I tried to fulfil as many as possible. Here some of the things I mean "The four pillars of happiness are loving and engaged relationships, a sense of purpose, an attitude of optimism, and a connection to spirituality." Or the PERMA model of happiness/ science of happiness: There are five building blocks that enable flourishing – Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment (hence PERMA™) – and there are strategies to increase each.
I tried to develop an own value system that gives me meaning and I tried to find a personal philosophy that gives me positive feelings and still feels real. I read literature of people that inspired me. I read David Foster Wallace because I could very well relate. Maybe not a good choice for all people who want to recover. But it inspired me how much he had tried in his life to get better. How we could protect himself from nihilism and cynicism despite all of his mental anguish.
I tried to find a support network something I was successful in. I am good at finding friends however I suck at love and in getting a stable income. I tried to spot possible sources for support. You can do research on the internet depending on the issue but there are also facilities for that.
I gave life a couple of times a chance despite the fact I felt like it was worthless. I mean you can stil commit suicide in the future (usually).
Maybe to the point with being smart. I genuinely think "throwing away" your life is not a smart choice. Life can be good for some people. There are things to enjoy in life. There is love, sex, social connections, movies, literature, video games, the internet, books, music, sports, creative writing. There are so many niches. And everyone of us has some things that make life for them more endurable. There are choices in life. I wanted to explore whether I could find a way of life for me that seemed to be worthwhile, sustainable, best pleasure/pain relation and which felt real to me. The problem for me is the sustainability component. Before throwing away the game with anger and pain I wanted to know in which directions I could possible head. I could add some personal conclusions I have drawn but this might not be recovery material. Lol. I would not equate throwing away your life with committing suicide. I rather mean by throwing away your life a decision that was done impulsively or because of a problem that could have been solved by hard work or taking time. Sometimes time can heal wounds and a certain distance can help to see issues from a different perspective.
I think to kill yourself as quick as possible without knowing your chances in real life is not a smart choice. When you are alive you will probably feel a lot of pain in the process of committing suicide. Also due to the survival instinct, fears for example what will happen to your loved ones. I would only want to endure that pain if I was fully without a doubt convinced that I am making an informed and rational decision. Hence all the things I listed here in this thread for that purpose.
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