I think someone I met here killed herself and I just want to talk about it

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

This is my first post ever on SaSu but I've been a lurker for a while. On Halloween I saw a post from a girl whose username was SadMonster725, if any of you have seen her posts. She had just professed her love to a guy who didn't like her, and was feeling very lonely. She provided her discord username for anyone who wanted to friend her. I've been dealing with social isolation for most of my life at this point, and I have no one I can talk to about my issues. I finally reached my breaking point and I just felt completely empty and hopeless, unable to even keep up a facade anymore, which is why I started frequenting this site and then friended her. For the first time I just vented everything, and she did the same. I finally felt listened to for once, unlike with all these people irl who just give the same automated bs hopeful reply. We grew close very very quickly, and spent all day texting, going to sleep late and waking up early just to continue texting. I started to feel a lot better, but she only got worse. She had a much rougher life than mine, and I guess she was beyond the point of saving. The only person she had left in her life was me. One night she texted me that she was desperate to call someone, asking if we could talk. I saw the message 5 minutes later and texted her back, telling her she could call me when she was ready and I would pick up. 30 minutes later and I realized she still hadn't called. At that point I immediately called her. She didn't pick up. I sent a lot of messages but she didn't reply. The next day I opened my phone and she had sent me one message at 3:00am. "Sorry I missed your call. I am in the hospital because I was brought here by the police in handcuffs after being tackled to the ground for trying to jump to my death. I was kicked out of the place I was staying at, so...I feel so lost RN." That was the last message she ever sent me. The more time that goes on the more I think she tried again and succeeded. I don't blame myself for this, but I do feel horrible about not being there for her when she needed me the most. I could have talked to her while she was trying to jump. I could have told her how much I cared about her, and how I will always cherish my memories of her. I didn't know her for long at all, but I guess the length of time knowing someone does not matter compared to the quality of time spent together when it comes to forming a bond

 

[set0553]

That's one thing about SaSu that's hard for me.. at first I took the approach of being friendly with ppl, but that I wouldn't let myself begin to care, or get close to anyone, for this reason.. my first week here I did just that and began to really care about someone here who was just nice with a big heart, so I had to stop coming here for awhile, and had to take a break. Its hard to not get attached to anyone, cuz I never had any real friends in my life, and especially ones that can handle me being suicidal, but I hope you'll get in touch with her soon. Im not familiar with her, but hoping she's ok.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm pretty sure she is still alive. She was last seen today at 2:45pm. Anyway, @SadMonster725 seems like someone wants to chat with you (assuming that I'm correct and you are still alive. I honestly have no trust in my judgment).

 

[Whale_bones]

I know it's so much easier said than done to say don't blame yourself, but it sounds like you were a real source of comfort and support during the time you talked with her. If she was brought to a hospital, depending on the location and its policies, she could have very limited access to her phone.

There's a huge range, from allowing patients to keep their phones and use them as normal, to not allowing them whatsoever. Some places just allow patients to turn their phone on while being watched by a nurse, in order to write down a phone number or other information (and then the landline phone is in a public area, so understandable that a person wouldn't want to make calls when that's the only option).

Some people go directly to other treatment facilities after a hospital stay. Since her last message said she was kicked out of the place she was staying, you know her housing situation was very up in the air at that moment, and it wouldn't be a surprise if she didn't have a reliable way to charge and check her phone. So I wouldn't assume the worst yet, though I completely understand that the worry is impossible to avoid.

 

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

That's one thing about SaSu that's hard for me.. at first I took the approach of being friendly with ppl, but that I wouldn't let myself begin to care, or get close to anyone, for this reason.. my first week here I did just that and began to really care about someone here who was just nice with a big heart, so I had to stop coming here for awhile, and had to take a break. Its hard to not get attached to anyone, cuz I never had any real friends in my life, and especially ones that can handle me being suicidal, but I hope you'll get in touch with her soon. Im not familiar with her, but hoping she's ok.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever get close to anyone else on this site again. I was naive, but I don't regret meeting her

I'm pretty sure she is still alive. She was last seen today at 2:45pm. Anyway, @SadMonster725 seems like someone wants to chat with you (assuming that I'm correct and you are still alive. I honestly have no trust in my judgment).

Really? That's strange, because I haven't seen any of her posts here since that night, and she hasn't gotten online in discord since then. Is it possible that someone else looked at one of her old posts at 2:45pm and that's what you're seeing?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Really? That's strange, because I haven't seen any of her posts here since that night, and she hasn't gotten online in discord since then. Is it possible that someone else looked at one of her old posts at 2:45pm and that's what you're seeing?

 

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

I know it's so much easier said than done to say don't blame yourself, but it sounds like you were a real source of comfort and support during the time you talked with her. If she was brought to a hospital, depending on the location and its policies, she could have very limited access to her phone.

There's a huge range, from allowing patients to keep their phones and use them as normal, to not allowing them whatsoever. Some places just allow patients to turn their phone on while being watched by a nurse, in order to write down a phone number or other information (and then the landline phone is in a public area, so understandable that a person wouldn't want to make calls when that's the only option).

Some people go directly to other treatment facilities after a hospital stay. Since her last message said she was kicked out of the place she was staying, you know her housing situation was very up in the air at that moment, and it wouldn't be a surprise if she didn't have a reliable way to charge and check her phone. So I wouldn't assume the worst yet, though I completely understand that the worry is impossible to avoid.

Thanks for that. I guess my mind just wanders to the worst immediately. It's been long enough though that I don't think she simply wasn't able to charge her phone. Do you think she could be in a psych ward? Do they take away phones there?

 

[rozeske]

Her last post on Nov 4th indicates hiding from the police waiting to try and jump again, nothing since then but last online is yesterday, could be her or someone else with an access, no way to really know for sure.
Sometimes it feels like you could have done more to save someone but most times whatever you do won't be enough and it can be hard to repair the damage already done especially for someone who went through rough times over years.

 

[Whale_bones]

Thanks for that. I guess my mind just wanders to the worst immediately. It's been long enough though that I don't think she simply wasn't able to charge her phone. Do you think she could be in a psych ward? Do they take away phones there?

This thread seems to be a post she made after she first had contact with police, but then she says she ran away from them. I don't want to speculate too much, as that leaves open a lot of possibilities and I want to leave it up to her to share or not share what she feels comfortable with. She might be staying quiet for safety or privacy reasons though, not because of anything you did wrong at all.

Edit: Unless her message to you was the morning after that at 3:00 am, then you atleast know she was brought to the hospital. It depends completely on the psych unit, some take phones away and don't allow them to be used, some allow them to be turned on but not used for texting, and some allow regular use.

(I didn't mean to say she wasn't able to charge her phone once in all this time, I just know it's much harder to reliably charge your phone when you're bouncing from place to place, and don't know the next time you can charge it.)

 

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

View attachment 154682

Ok, wow. I don't even know what to say. Do you know how to see someone else's posts/replies? If I got ghosted that's ok, I just want some clarity

This thread seems to be a post she made after she first had contact with police, but then she says she ran away from them. I don't want to speculate too much, as that leaves open a lot of possibilities and I want to leave it up to her to share or not share what she feels comfortable with. She might be staying quiet for safety or privacy reasons though, not because of anything you did wrong at all.

Edit: Unless her message to you was the morning after that at 3:00 am, then you atleast know she was brought to the hospital. It depends completely on the psych unit, some take phones away and don't allow them to be used, some allow them to be turned on but not used for texting, and some allow regular use.

(I didn't mean to say she wasn't able to charge her phone once in all this time, I just know it's much harder to reliably charge your phone when you're bouncing from place to place, and don't know the next time you can charge it.)

It was the morning after at 3:00am, so she failed to jump. I don't know if she went back and tried again though

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Ok, wow. I don't even know what to say. Do you know how to see someone else's posts/replies? If I got ghosted that's ok, I just want some clarity

You can try searching by member, but you only get access to the search bar after making around roughly 20 posts.

 

[Whale_bones]

I just want to note that attempting and being forcibly hospitalized can be a distressing and even traumatizing experience; I don't know if that's what happened, but it's not uncommon at all for people to need time to heal and recover just from that. I know it's hard, but try not to assume you were ghosted or something like that until you find out more information.

Wanting clarity is understandable, but a search for her profile name doesn't show any posts on SS after Nov 3, and depending on the timeline, she might have even texted you after that (the 3:00 am text). A lot of things could have happened, she could be in another treatment facility, she might be taking necessary time to recover, I think these are all equal possibilities without having more information.

 

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

Really, thanks a lot man. I made this post just to get everything off my chest, but I actually feel a lot more hopeful now. I almost feel like crying in a good way lol

 

[Shrooms]

sorry about that i honestly don't want to imagine that happening but it does. Ive grown so used to the feeling of being alone i don't try to make any deep connections online cause 99% of the time leads to one of 2 options, 1: disappears, ghosts, etc. 2: they CTB. and or just aren't the same person they used to be after a week or something. its the internet at the end of the day and people are too unpredictable and human to make connection over it.

 

[dontwakemeup]

Thanks for that. I guess my mind just wanders to the worst immediately. It's been long enough though that I don't think she simply wasn't able to charge her phone. Do you think she could be in a psych ward? Do they take away phones there?

The psych unit I was on took our phones and we were unable to use the internet while being admitted.

 

[DenizenOfTheDeep]

The psych unit I was on took our phones and we were unable to use the internet while being admitted.

That's definitely a possibility for her, because she was already in a psych ward once before. It's the last bit of hope I can cling onto. I'm selfish for hoping so, because I'm sure she would rather be dead then back in there

sorry about that i honestly don't want to imagine that happening but it does. Ive grown so used to the feeling of being alone i don't try to make any deep connections online cause 99% of the time leads to one of 2 options, 1: disappears, ghosts, etc. 2: they CTB. and or just aren't the same person they used to be after a week or something. its the internet at the end of the day and people are too unpredictable and human to make connection over it.

I know now, and you're completely right. I won't ever make that mistake on this forum again, but I'm in to deep to stop talking to her if she ever ends up coming back. I don't think I would have ever even made an account here if it wasn't for her. Like I said in the post, I didn't know her for long at all, but I guess when I share things about myself with someone that I would never say to anyone else, I get really attached to that person. I have no regrets meeting her though, and I'm doing far better mentally now than I was before meeting her