NSFW I think such violent, terrible things. (Gore, violence)

[remantonia]

I think weekly about killing myself but I'm too much of a coward.

But I also think about maiming myself. I've considered buying a gun to shoot off my foot. Hitting myself in the eye with a ruler until I beat it into a blind, mushy pulp. Today I heard my roommate using a power drill and thought about squeezing my eye shut and digging that thing into my hand, boring a hole into it.

I know I'll never do anything like this either. But the sad thing is I know I deserve it. I don't deserve a quick death. I deserve prolonged suffering before the world is finally rid of me.

I'm glad I found this forum because who can I tell? My best friend who I'm already burdening immensely with my laziness and selfishness? A therapist who will just commit me and not actually help?

Sometimes I wish a serial killer would target me. It'd be great for me to be a victim instead of someone innocent.

BTW the only place by me to jump is a bridge over a river that goes right into a hydroelectric dam. I have no idea what a damn actually is/how it works. Would I get caught in some nasty machinery or something?

I somehow edited the post instead of replying to it FML I'm just a dumb bastard ok

 

[numbspirit]

Yes, you deserve to die quickly. Everyone here does.

I know exactly how you feel. I sometimes feel like I should slash myself or torture myself until I kick the bucket from blood loss. I might deserve to suffer until my body dies of exhaustion, but that's not the right way.
Imagine if you could go out of life in peace, without violence, without suffering. Wouldn't it be better to live your last moments in peace?

I started drawing my suicides a long time ago. These drawings are full of extreme violence, suicides that I would never really do to myself. From decapitation to disemboweling. It gives me a sense of peace, because I see myself with a sickle in my neck or a machete in my stomach and I think to myself that I deserve this and that I should slaughter myself in such a way that people wouldn't think it was suicide. But really die like that? No. SI will always throw a spanner in the works. And don't we all deserve to die peacefully?

Maybe you can find something that can give you that peace too. Maybe even drawing is the right thing. But please don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve it.

 

[Abyssal]

This may be a controversial take but I think this is normal (or maybe I'm more mentally ill than I thought?). Well, at the very least, it's nothing to be concerned about unless it's truly bothering you. Everyone has fantasies of sorts, and you seem to understand how horrible an idea it is. You aren't going to act on it, so what's the harm?

Oh and when you reply and there hasn't been a response to a previous thread/reply of yours, the response will combine as though it was edited in.

 

[thinvy]

oh dude don't worry about it too much. it's not "normal" but that's also not at all weird with mentally ill people.

I might have OCD (and definitely have severe anxiety) and every time I realize the door might not be locked I get stuck in vivid imagination of what might happen if there's an intruder.

I also regularly have morbid thoughts about harming myself or ways I might get harmed. a regular fixated thought of mine is stabbing my apple pencil through my hand. I don't want to, that would break my pencil and it was expensive. doesn't stop me from thinking about it every time I touch it though. I also very much think about practically vivisecting myself or slicing scars into myself around my limbs, making rings on my body.

tl;Dr you're not that weird don't worry. you are probably mentally ill but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I've seen that intrusive thoughts are even believed to sometimes just be your brain checking up to make sure of how you feel about things ("oh no I would never jump out of a moving car that's so unsafe!")

 

[iusedtobehappy]

They are just intrusive thoughts. If they bother you, I know it sounds easier said than done, but push them away and don't let them turn into OCD to combat the thoughts. OCD is evil, way more than intrusive thoughts. Another thing is listen to frequencies. You can find them on YT, particularly the ones with all 9 tones. They will help drown the thoughts out and "raise your frequency".