I told my brother about one of my deepest darkest secret. (WARNING: DISTURBING)

[IBM0000]

M, 21. I just told my little brother about a secret that I was willing to cite as one of the reasons I wanted to ctb. If you don't want to hear what a rapist has to say, please skip this post all-together.

Before I start, I'd really love give the credit to this community. In particular a trans woman. I shared my darkest secret with you all and you have only been sweet, caring and accepting. I won't say that you weren't shocked, you were. In a sign of her trust, she shared that her brother, reached a point where she didn't care if he died, but actually wanted for him to die because of how he ruined her life. I didn't want to become like that brother.

But that's besides the point. It all transpired less than an hour as of time of writing so I am still trying to process it all. I just want to get into it.

Backstory, this is essential for a quick understanding of my situation. I grew up in a semi-strict religious family in a ME country. As you all know, anything shameful is frowned up to be spoken. Let alone anything that is considered immoral. Immorality is basically the worst thing that you can do in a close-knit muslim country. Your family's standing depends on it. It's all things I didnt really understand nor really cared to until a few weeks ago.
This paints a grim picture for what I am about to say right now. I was a highly sexual kid, for some reason, I don't know why. I don't know how. But during my childhood. I did extremely immoral and sexual things to my young siblings. 2boys, 2 girls. This part is going to be extremely disgusting for you all next but I just want you to understand that I didn't do it. My life was like on auto pilot. To say I don't have any thoughts over the past 5 years of these reallllly shitty things is a lie. No one is perfect but that is no excuse. When we were playing, I fully clothed raped my little brother. Who was also clothed. Involving my other little brother, he and I did it. No penetration, that was too disgusting even for me, I guess, or I just didnt know how or what it was. I even remember him doing it with my young cousin too, same thing no penetration. My little sister, I tried to rape her when she was asleep, maybe? I think I may have kissed her when she was asleep though. I dont really remeber it much, I was far too young. Or maybe I didn't actually rape her. I don't even know. My other little sibling, however, I did try to rape. In the pantry, where I led her. Thinking about it all, the only reason why I didnt kill myself was because I am a coward, and my excuse was that my family would find out that I intentionally killed myself and our family would suffer because of the reputation of having someone who ctb'ed in their family. I obviously changed now. Up until a year, maybe half, all I wanted was to ctb. I just gave up on studies. The pandemic hit, it excarbated my mental health issues. I was extremely anti-social in school. They though I was special needs. In a way, I was. It made it impossible for my suicidal self to actually study and I failed. My family had me take it again and I failed.
I then did nothing for basically two years. Except for a part-time security job for three months.
Annnd here we are today. I gave up on the short-term suicide plan. I realized I was too cowardish and my family had too much to lose for me if I died. And I really wanted to make up for all the really batshit things I basically had no control over that I did.

Today, (Sat, Aug, 31 of 2024).
Now that we are here, we arrived at today. I was heading out and my little brother, the one who I raped, I was talking to. He was helping me take things to my car. (Dad's car but I was basically given it). I wanted to do it, I wanted to confess for a long time about what I did to him. He had started to become reactionary and I saw the signs of self-hate start to take its terrible toll on him in the form of racist and purely sadisitc behaviour. I just didn't want him to hate me and hate himself or reach a massive melting point like the sweet trans woman on here. I said it, I just slowly, roundaboutly said it, but he was like. "SAY IT, I wont be offended. I wont get upset" So I did...I couldn't believe what I just did, but....HE WAS NONCHALANT. He was shocked, I felt it. But he WAS OVER-ALL NON. CHALANT. AND...In exchange, he told me shocking shit....The cousin that's married to my sister? (Yeah, we're fucked up like that...Shouldn't be a surprise but I feel a little shocked now thag I write it down) Thought he wasn't involved, he came to visit. He also did that shit when he was young. I was shocked myself. He told me that this shit...it was all in the past, when we were kids. He was...Just like you guys, accepting albeit shocked. I even told him that about my other little brother. And that the other young cousin shit. He was shocked about that. I guess he didn't know it....I asked him: "Well...Would you have yold anyone about this?" He said. "No way." And...I just feel so great. I feel that I saved one of my little siblings.

What does this mean for my future, and what others could learn (if you read all the way through).

I want to reveal it to all my little siblings whom I hurt. Starting from the ones who will react the least badly up to....My little sister (youngest sibling) whom I tried to rape in the pantry. Thank god my mom came in and interrupted me before I did anything. But doesnt mean I didnt try. I would've probably done something had my mom not come in.. She's the youngest so she might tell everyone. But I want to, I can't let het become twisted or depressed and end up like me, not to anyone. And I want to finish high school I want to get a job. Take care of my sweet family. Donate to good causes, try to change the suffocating atmosphere. the political atmosphere in this nation...I have opened my eyes to life but I am still in a really fragile moment because it could all just crumble, and that's fine because I will have ctb'ed like I always wanted to. And to everyone out there, struggling...Hiding dark and painful secrets....Wallowing in complete and utter despair....You have to try, to try to slowly build up your courage to do it. If you can. Because while I have had a really priviliged life, not having had to work at all even, I was totally and utterly depressed. Life had no meaning. But each year I would move the suicide day up to another year.

Sorry if this sucks, first post. Please ask me anything. Or insult me. It's fine. Thank you so much for reading. This was basically the baggae I was carrying and yall are a godsend. :)

 

[notmyusername]

We are all fighting demons man. It seems like you were much younger when this happened, and abused yourself. You came from a fucked up situation and this sexual abuse seems to be all you know. I was friends with a pedophile, and despite not liking his actions I can't label him as a bad person. He was a troubled person, and very hurt. But he seemed to have good intentions a lot of the time and he was in major conflict with himself over his sexual urges at times. He seemed a bit more far gone than you in his battle though. I wish the best for you man. And for your siblings. We are all just humans suffering on this shitty rock together. We all gotta just chill

 

[IBM0000]

We are all fighting demons man. It seems like you were much younger when this happened, and abused yourself. You came from a fucked up situation and this sexual abuse seems to be all you know. I was friends with a pedophile, and despite not liking his actions I can't label him as a bad person. He was a troubled person, and very hurt. But he seemed to have good intentions a lot of the time and he was in major conflict with himself over his sexual urges at times. He seemed a bit more far gone than you in his battle though. I wish the best for you man. And for your siblings. We are all just humans suffering on this shitty rock together. We all gotta just chill

It really sucks. I am not attracted to children because of it but you cant put that shit below me. I was young but I think I was sexually abused. In my family, turns out a lot of us were. If you don't mind me asking, why are you here? What demons are you fighting?

 

[divinemistress36]

Please reach out and get therapy

 

[guest6362]

M, 21. I just told my little brother about a secret that I was willing to cite as one of the reasons I wanted to ctb. If you don't want to hear what a rapist has to say, please skip this post all-together.

Before I start, I'd really love give the credit to this community. In particular a trans woman. I shared my darkest secret with you all and you have only been sweet, caring and accepting. I won't say that you weren't shocked, you were. In a sign of her trust, she shared that her brother, reached a point where she didn't care if he died, but actually wanted for him to die because of how he ruined her life. I didn't want to become like that brother.

But that's besides the point. It all transpired less than an hour as of time of writing so I am still trying to process it all. I just want to get into it.

Backstory, this is essential for a quick understanding of my situation. I grew up in a semi-strict religious family in a ME country. As you all know, anything shameful is frowned up to be spoken. Let alone anything that is considered immoral. Immorality is basically the worst thing that you can do in a close-knit muslim country. Your family's standing depends on it. It's all things I didnt really understand nor really cared to until a few weeks ago.
This paints a grim picture for what I am about to say right now. I was a highly sexual kid, for some reason, I don't know why. I don't know how. But during my childhood. I did extremely immoral and sexual things to my young siblings. 2boys, 2 girls. This part is going to be extremely disgusting for you all next but I just want you to understand that I didn't do it. My life was like on auto pilot. To say I don't have any thoughts over the past 5 years of these reallllly shitty things is a lie. No one is perfect but that is no excuse. When we were playing, I fully clothed raped my little brother. Who was also clothed. Involving my other little brother, he and I did it. No penetration, that was too disgusting even for me, I guess, or I just didnt know how or what it was. I even remember him doing it with my young cousin too, same thing no penetration. My little sister, I tried to rape her when she was asleep, maybe? I think I may have kissed her when she was asleep though. I dont really remeber it much, I was far too young. Or maybe I didn't actually rape her. I don't even know. My other little sibling, however, I did try to rape. In the pantry, where I led her. Thinking about it all, the only reason why I didnt kill myself was because I am a coward, and my excuse was that my family would find out that I intentionally killed myself and our family would suffer because of the reputation of having someone who ctb'ed in their family. I obviously changed now. Up until a year, maybe half, all I wanted was to ctb. I just gave up on studies. The pandemic hit, it excarbated my mental health issues. I was extremely anti-social in school. They though I was special needs. In a way, I was. It made it impossible for my suicidal self to actually study and I failed. My family had me take it again and I failed.
I then did nothing for basically two years. Except for a part-time security job for three months.
Annnd here we are today. I gave up on the short-term suicide plan. I realized I was too cowardish and my family had too much to lose for me if I died. And I really wanted to make up for all the really batshit things I basically had no control over that I did.

Today, (Sat, Aug, 31 of 2024).
Now that we are here, we arrived at today. I was heading out and my little brother, the one who I raped, I was talking to. He was helping me take things to my car. (Dad's car but I was basically given it). I wanted to do it, I wanted to confess for a long time about what I did to him. He had started to become reactionary and I saw the signs of self-hate start to take its terrible toll on him in the form of racist and purely sadisitc behaviour. I just didn't want him to hate me and hate himself or reach a massive melting point like the sweet trans woman on here. I said it, I just slowly, roundaboutly said it, but he was like. "SAY IT, I wont be offended. I wont get upset" So I did...I couldn't believe what I just did, but....HE WAS NONCHALANT. He was shocked, I felt it. But he WAS OVER-ALL NON. CHALANT. AND...In exchange, he told me shocking shit....The cousin that's married to my sister? (Yeah, we're fucked up like that...Shouldn't be a surprise but I feel a little shocked now thag I write it down) Thought he wasn't involved, he came to visit. He also did that shit when he was young. I was shocked myself. He told me that this shit...it was all in the past, when we were kids. He was...Just like you guys, accepting albeit shocked. I even told him that about my other little brother. And that the other young cousin shit. He was shocked about that. I guess he didn't know it....I asked him: "Well...Would you have yold anyone about this?" He said. "No way." And...I just feel so great. I feel that I saved one of my little siblings.

What does this mean for my future, and what others could learn (if you read all the way through).

I want to reveal it to all my little siblings whom I hurt. Starting from the ones who will react the least badly up to....My little sister (youngest sibling) whom I tried to rape in the pantry. Thank god my mom came in and interrupted me before I did anything. But doesnt mean I didnt try. I would've probably done something had my mom not come in.. She's the youngest so she might tell everyone. But I want to, I can't let het become twisted or depressed and end up like me, not to anyone. And I want to finish high school I want to get a job. Take care of my sweet family. Donate to good causes, try to change the suffocating atmosphere. the political atmosphere in this nation...I have opened my eyes to life but I am still in a really fragile moment because it could all just crumble, and that's fine because I will have ctb'ed like I always wanted to. And to everyone out there, struggling...Hiding dark and painful secrets....Wallowing in complete and utter despair....You have to try, to try to slowly build up your courage to do it. If you can. Because while I have had a really priviliged life, not having had to work at all even, I was totally and utterly depressed. Life had no meaning. But each year I would move the suicide day up to another year.

Sorry if this sucks, first post. Please ask me anything. Or insult me. It's fine. Thank you so much for reading. This was basically the baggae I was carrying and yall are a godsend. :)

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us, i do have a similar situation like you. I too had sexual urges from my childhood, now that i think about it, its like i was a demon in the midst of children at that age. My father and mother got divorced when i was 5 and my mother ctb then i was raised by my grandparents and my aunt. My aunt has a child who is 6 years younger than me. when i was 12 Once me and my cousin did the oral thing, there was no penetration, it was just once i didn't know why i did it and why was my mind so fucked up like that. One day my friend who was 3 years older than me tried to convince me that my cousin should do oral with him and the saddest part is i tried convincing my cousin to do it, fortunately she didn't but later that evening he r'ed her and i could never forget myself for that ever. Everytime i try to be happy, this incident makes me feel like i don't deserve that. Till this day i regret it, all i could think now is to runaway from home after two years or just ctb. I feel like i deserve no place in their home or in this world. What should i do, should i apologise or just hope that she never tells anyone about it. You inspired me to tell my part of the story, i never told it to anyone. Thank you so much

 

[EvisceratedJester]

First off, what you did wasn't rape. Rape involves forced sexual intercourse, or in other words, penetrating or being penetrated without your consent or when you are in a situation where you cannot properly give consent (such as if you are very drunk or very high on drugs). What you did would still be sexual assault, but it wouldn't be rape.

Secondly, what you did was wrong and unforgivable, but you were also a child. You may even have been too young to even understand what sex is. You shouldn't be holding yourself to the same standards that adults who do things like this are held to. You likely didn't even understand that your actions were bad in the first place. In this particular situation, you need to be a bit more understanding of your past self. This does make me a bit concerned since you described being hypersexual back then, which could potentially point to you having past sexual trauma. This would explain your actions too.

I'm glad that you were able to have a conversation with your brother about it and I think you should see a professional about this.

 

[IBM0000]

Please reach out and get therapy

It's a middle eastern country. Therapy doesn't exist here in most forms. Nor would it be good for my family's standing, as standing is everything in a nepotistic country such as this. Heck, accessible therapy doesn't exist in most developed countries. Plus, I think therapists in a country such as this won't be operating on a non-judgemental, purely agnostic work basis because of how religious this country is and even if they weren't judging, they may not speak my language at all. It's just what I'd love from the future in this country. But it's a US-controlled puppet.

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us, i do have a similar situation like you. I too had sexual urges from my childhood, now that i think about it, its like i was a demon in the midst of children at that age. My father and mother got divorced when i was 5 and my mother ctb then i was raised by my grandparents and my aunt. My aunt has a child who is 6 years younger than me. when i was 12 Once me and my cousin did the oral thing, there was no penetration, it was just once i didn't know why i did it and why was my mind so fucked up like that. One day my friend who was 3 years older than me tried to convince me that my cousin should do oral with him and the saddest part is i tried convincing my cousin to do it, fortunately she didn't but later that evening he r'ed her and i could never forget myself for that ever. Everytime i try to be happy, this incident makes me feel like i don't deserve that. Till this day i regret it, all i could think now is to runaway from home after two years or just ctb. I feel like i deserve no place in their home or in this world. What should i do, should i apologise or just hope that she never tells anyone about it. You inspired me to tell my part of the story, i never told it to anyone. Thank you so much

First of all, I just want to tell you that it's a very brave and a great start to tell ANYONE about this at all. I did it, and I never regretted it today. People here are so sweet and caring and accepting....And shocked, yes. But mainly the former half. I think you should learn from my story. Build up your courage, as you interact with her on a normal basis, try to find the best opportunity to tell her about that. While the two of you are talking, She is in a not-so-bad mood. And either one is about to head out for an extended amount of time. This is how it happened for me. I told my little brother about it as I was being helped out with my stuff as I had stayed at my parent's house for the weekend. And I just couldn't bare the thought of continuing this torture. Knowing that what I did could be mentally torturing on him. I had to confess at a certain point, and I was planning on it but I guess I just winged it at that moment. I don't really know how, but he was understanding. Point being, you have to give up on killing yourself in the short-term. I.E. 2 years. If you want to do it, you may want to wait for 5 years before you do it, if you decide to do it. And you have to accept yourself. You have to somewhat forgive yourself, leave the rest for the other to forgive you.
If you can't ctb as easily as you'd like, you have a reason to stay alive. Whether it be helping your family and/or helping the world. I want you to learn from the trans woman who hated her brother's guts. She wanted him dead, really. He sexually abused her when she was young and she hates his guts, albeit with other different reasons...He was a terrible brother over-all. This is a cautionary tale, I guess. Since you really love your cousin and your family, you have to tell them about it. You have to build up your courage in order to tell her. You can take it at your pace and if you are willing to really live in the short-term, you should ease your with that as well.

First off, what you did wasn't rape. Rape involves forced sexual intercourse, or in other words, penetrating or being penetrated without your consent or when you are in a situation where you cannot properly give consent (such as if you are very drunk or very high on drugs). What you did would still be sexual assault, but it wouldn't be rape.

Secondly, what you did was wrong and unforgivable, but you were also a child. You may even have been too young to even understand what sex is. You shouldn't be holding yourself to the same standards that adults who do things like this are held to. You likely didn't even understand that your actions were bad in the first place. In this particular situation, you need to be a bit more understanding of your past self. This does make me a bit concerned since you described being hypersexual back then, which could potentially point to you having past sexual trauma. This would explain your actions too.

I'm glad that you were able to have a conversation with your brother about it and I think you should see a professional about this.

Thank you so much for your take. I realize that while technically it's not rape, it may as well have been. Even if there was no penetration. I did it. Without his consent. And, while I may have been a child, I was much older than him. About 5-6 years older. And even if it was sexual assault, a lesser form of rape, it was still on my little brother. And I appreciate that you point out how unforgivable and wrong it is. I have really struggled with trying to forgive myself, I still don't really do. And I also had terrible mental health as a result, not being able to either ctb nor live. I was stuck in this stupid limbo in which I wouldn't repent for my actions nor escape and stop wasting their love and resources on me. Yes. I was a child. But to claim that I didn't know bad from good and that sexual assault was wrong, is wrong. Because I remember crying about it. I remember about how I just wanted to kill myself and how disgusting it was that I had done something so terrible. Meaning, I was not as young to be able to claim that I didn't understand what I did was wrong or right. Even the pantry shit and how I led my little sister there, I knew it was wrong and yet I still did it. I don't know why, I am not just born evil though that's one thing. Nobody is. Yes. I was hypersexual as a kid, I guess I remember my childhood having hypersexual young family members too, which feels incredibly wrong. And even if it explained it, even if I was a kid, even if I was really molested as a child like all those other family members, I won't claim I am innocent of anything even if I was the product of my family's shitty hidden sexual abuse environment. I noticed, one time, that my uncle would have a hard time looking at me when I came to visit. He's a married man. They described him as "weird" growing up. I rarely see him, and I don't think he did it. I just subconsciously want to put the blame on someone for whatever the hell was going on we were young. Could it be a family curse? All of us are just fucked to eternal hidden sexual abuse on young family members who would grow up and do the same and I have only inherited that shit? Or is it just a unique situation that no family ever goes through. I am leaning towards option 3. It does happen, and it's not just me. But men, women, all of us are afraid to speak out and tell out stories. Not even online, let alone in real life to them. Thank you.

 

[maniac116]

I came from a messed up family too. You aren't a bad person. You're a good person who did some questionable things.
That fact that you feel bad about it is a testament that you have a good conscience.
We all have our skeletons in the closet.
Peace & love

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Thank you so much for your take. I realize that while technically it's not rape, it may as well have been. Even if there was no penetration. I did it. Without his consent. And, while I may have been a child, I was much older than him. About 5-6 years older. And even if it was sexual assault, a lesser form of rape, it was still on my little brother. And I appreciate that you point out how unforgivable and wrong it is. I struggled with trying to forgive myself, I still don't really do. And I also had terrible mental health as a result, not being able to either ctb nor live. I was stuck in this stupid limbo in which I wouldn't repent for my actions nor escape and stop wasting their love and resources on me. Yes. I was a child. But to claim that I didn't know bad from good and that sexual assault was wrong, is wrong. Because I remember crying about it. I remember about how I just wanted to kill myself and how disgusting it was that I had done something so terrible. Meaning, I was not as young to be able to claim that I didn't understand what I did was wrong or right. Even the pantry shit and how I led my little sister there, I knew it was wrong and yet I still did it. I don't know why, I am not just born evil though that's one thing. Nobody is. Yes. I was hypersexual as a kid, I guess I remember my childhood having hypersexual young family members too, which feels incredibly wrong. And even if it explained it, even if I was a kid, even if I was really molested as a child like all those other family members, I won't claim I am innocent of anything even if I was the product of my family's shitty hidden sexual abuse environment. I noticed, one time, that my uncle would have a hard time looking at me when I came to visit. He's a married man. They described him as "weird" growing up. I rarely see him, and I don't think he did it. I just subconsciously want to put the blame on someone for whatever the hell was going on we were young. Could it be a family curse? All of us are just fucked to eternal hidden sexual abuse on young family members who would grow up and do the same and I have only inherited that shit? Or is it just a unique situation that no family ever goes through. I am leaning towards option 3. It does happen, and it's not just me. But men, women, all of us are afraid to speak out and tell out stories. Not even online, let alone in real life to them. Thank you.

Even if you were around 5 to 6 years older than him, you were still a child. Feeling disgusted or upset over your actions or the actions of others isn't the same as having a proper in-depth understanding of why something is wrong. Most children do not have a good understanding of why something is wrong, rather they tend to only understand that a certain behaviour made them feel a specific way. You need to be taught why something is wrong. Even if what you did made you feel disgusted with yourself and suicidal, it doesn't mean that you understood the full weight of your actions back then. It usually takes time and experience for it to hit you, so again, don't hold your past self to the same standards you would hold an adult in this situation.

There is a chance that you have had past sexual trauma that you just don't remember. There is also a small chance that you may have just had a naturally high libido. Either way, you can acknowledge the fact that your actions were unforgivable while also acknowledging the fact that you were still a child at the time. You aren't cursed and your family isn't cursed. Some families just happen to have more issues than others as a result of circumstances, such as generational trauma. The best thing you can do is try to learn from your past actions and try to be a better person. Constantly shaming yourself and treating yourself like a monster isn't going to change the past and isn't going to help you in the long run. It can even potentially lead to you going down the wrong path, leading to you harming yourself and others. What you did was horrible, but people harm each other to varying degrees and that is sadly just a part of life. You are not a monster, just a person. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is try to be better. If you don't feel like you are at a point where you could ever forgive yourself then that's fine. You don't have to forgive yourself, but you don't need to constantly beat yourself up either. You feel bad about your past actions and have owned up to them, rather than making up excuses for them and that makes you better than a lot of people out there.