I tried to get help leaving.

[noaccount]

The woman I told what was happening told me I had an agenda of hurting myself. So I realized I couldn't tell anyone that I needed help.

So I tried to be okay with staying and tried to believe I could be safe here and didn't need help. But it isn't okay to stay here at all.

I feel closer to suicide than I have in a long time. I have no idea what to do to survive.

I am trying really hard to stay safe. There is just like nowhere I can turn and can only be remotely okay by being totally immobile. I tried to say I needed help getting out, then I tried to smooth things over and make it okay to stay. Neither was okay.

I am not stable enough to go back to work. I will just break down completely if I have to try actually doing work in this state.

 

[noaccount]

I am trying really really hard not to hurt my self.

 

[Pallf]

I am trying really really hard not to hurt my self.

Talk to me. Let's hash out what's going on.

 

[PTSDPigeon]

The woman I told what was happening told me I had an agenda of hurting myself. So I realized I couldn't tell anyone that I needed help.

So I tried to be okay with staying and tried to believe I could be safe here and didn't need help. But it isn't okay to stay here at all.

I feel closer to suicide than I have in a long time. I have no idea what to do to survive.

I am trying really hard to stay safe. There is just like nowhere I can turn and can only be remotely okay by being totally immobile. I tried to say I needed help getting out, then I tried to smooth things over and make it okay to stay. Neither was okay.

I am not stable enough to go back to work. I will just break down completely if I have to try actually doing work in this state.

You might try remote work. I just found a few hours - remote. I'm the same and have worked a ton of hours (7 days a week to stay "safe" from PT). Makes me feel less "exposed".
You might even try going to an online suicide anonmymous meeting. I went to one for AA and just blacked my face out. Not my community, really. They are there. :) I hope your urge stops!

I just got out of my bed (after a major depressive episode lasting 3 weeks). I found that when I take salmon oil after an episode, that I bounce back. I don't eat meat and am mostly vegan, but when I'm majorly depressed, eating a can of tuna is like DRUGS. I just add sriracha and scarf it. I start feeling better, immediately. It's like drugs.