I honestly don't know if this belongs in suicide discussion or recovery, but considering my goal is still recovery, I decided that I would post it here. This vent will be all over the place, it's kind of a word vomit, just saying what comes to mind hoping I'll feel better after.
I keep trying to feel better, have been for a while now and have taken steps that feel conducive to that goal. I got a summer job to alleviate stress and help with money, and that kinda worked though it was awful at times.
I also dated a girl for some time in August but she recently left, so now I'm extremely lonely, since she was someone I was spending quite a bit of time with, and my only other friend got a factory job and is now working very often or in the gym, which I've lost my passion for as of recently. This second breakup isn't as bad as my first but obviously it's a breakup, it isn't gonna be pleasant. I'm just glad it was one month in and not like one year in or something.
The semester started which feels awful, I feel behind even though I'm on pace or even ahead in some classes. It sucks because there's still like 13 weeks in the semester, and I'm already worried about failing, which doesn't even make sense, I'm getting good grades in all of my classes. Literally 100s in a lot of classes, some high 80s-90s on exams, but overall, doing pretty good. I would presume I have an A in all of my classes so far if I had to guess, and I would imagine I have an A by a pretty good margin as well.
I'm also applying to internships which is stressful, because I don't know if I'll even get one. I've only applied to one so far. NASA opens theirs in October so I hope to apply to those, but applying also stresses me out. Hell, even getting an internship is scary. Getting a job in the future scares me too. Hell, a lot scares me, even getting a part-time college job after I'm in university, which was my original plan.
I also learned I can't really finance anything. I don't have a job so I can't get a credit card to build credit. I can't finance anything without credit. The reason this is bad is because I really think I might need to buy a new car after college. My car has been alright throughout college and high school. I wouldn't exactly say reliable as it develops some issue every 3-6 months that I wind up having to repair. I couldn't repair this without my family though, and after college, I'll be moving further so I can get a job. I was thinking maybe I can build credit while I'm in college, try to land a job and move with my current car. After I have a job and I'm set up in the new place, get a new car. That's possible but obviously not entirely ideal.
This is kinda unrelated but I smashed my knee into some wood today (helped my family building a porch) and it absolutely hurts. I'm wearing a knee pad now but my knee is incredibly swollen and I'm limping. At least my school is virtual so I don't have to walk.
I think I'm done now, this was extremely cathartic to type out and just vent whats going on.
Edit: Also, mods, feel free to move this, not sure where it belongs if it's in the wrong place. I just felt since i'm trying to recover, it fits here
I keep trying to feel better, have been for a while now and have taken steps that feel conducive to that goal. I got a summer job to alleviate stress and help with money, and that kinda worked though it was awful at times.
I also dated a girl for some time in August but she recently left, so now I'm extremely lonely, since she was someone I was spending quite a bit of time with, and my only other friend got a factory job and is now working very often or in the gym, which I've lost my passion for as of recently. This second breakup isn't as bad as my first but obviously it's a breakup, it isn't gonna be pleasant. I'm just glad it was one month in and not like one year in or something.
The semester started which feels awful, I feel behind even though I'm on pace or even ahead in some classes. It sucks because there's still like 13 weeks in the semester, and I'm already worried about failing, which doesn't even make sense, I'm getting good grades in all of my classes. Literally 100s in a lot of classes, some high 80s-90s on exams, but overall, doing pretty good. I would presume I have an A in all of my classes so far if I had to guess, and I would imagine I have an A by a pretty good margin as well.
I'm also applying to internships which is stressful, because I don't know if I'll even get one. I've only applied to one so far. NASA opens theirs in October so I hope to apply to those, but applying also stresses me out. Hell, even getting an internship is scary. Getting a job in the future scares me too. Hell, a lot scares me, even getting a part-time college job after I'm in university, which was my original plan.
I also learned I can't really finance anything. I don't have a job so I can't get a credit card to build credit. I can't finance anything without credit. The reason this is bad is because I really think I might need to buy a new car after college. My car has been alright throughout college and high school. I wouldn't exactly say reliable as it develops some issue every 3-6 months that I wind up having to repair. I couldn't repair this without my family though, and after college, I'll be moving further so I can get a job. I was thinking maybe I can build credit while I'm in college, try to land a job and move with my current car. After I have a job and I'm set up in the new place, get a new car. That's possible but obviously not entirely ideal.
This is kinda unrelated but I smashed my knee into some wood today (helped my family building a porch) and it absolutely hurts. I'm wearing a knee pad now but my knee is incredibly swollen and I'm limping. At least my school is virtual so I don't have to walk.
I think I'm done now, this was extremely cathartic to type out and just vent whats going on.
Edit: Also, mods, feel free to move this, not sure where it belongs if it's in the wrong place. I just felt since i'm trying to recover, it fits here
