Horrible day. I think I start chronologically. I had an appointment with another psychiatrist my current one retires soon. The main issue is I need addictive medication in order to be able to attend college. A z-medication (sleeping pill) and a benzo without that I could never attend college. I also tried so much else to get an income. I became extremely depressed when I actually worked an average job and I am quite sure I will never be able to work anyway. But to maintain that tiny hope I am still attending college.
However noone wants to prescribe me this medication. I was in that practice already some weeks ago and then it turned out that the psychiatrist would leave that workplace soon so that the appointment was useless. Today when I had the appointment it was the same. The first thing the woman said was "You wanted to have an appointment with a psychiatrist that works with you in the longrun however I will soon leave this pratice." I got so fucking pissed. The psychiatrist found that funny. She said to me to go back to the waiting room. Well I had to wait 45 minutes so that another psychiatrist had time for me. It was one of the bosses of the practice. He had some information about me on his PC. And after 2-3 minutes he said "Well I have a problem with your medication. I would never prescribe to you that benzo and z-medication". I was disappointed. The other psychiatrist in that practice would have at least prescribed me that z-medication. I told him how desperate my situation is. I told him I was fired several times for depression and that college is my last chance to get a stable income. (Please no recommendation what else would be possible like gig economy I don't want that - I heard such advices way too often), I told him I am literally with my back against the wall. That otherwise I would remain unemployed forever. I asked him whether I should give up and what else I should try to do. I literally begged him for that medication. He said to well try a different medication. I told him I already did that and that it is utopian to expect that to work. I already almost relapsed WITH the benzo and z-medication. I got pretty emotional. I was furious and desperate. I think he realized that I really was dependent on that medication in order to function. He told me the chances to find a psychiatrist who prescribes it to me is very low (which I was aware of). He told me to ask other psychiatrists in other practices who might agree on that. THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE! He had the fucking power to do it. He is the fucking boss of that fucking practice. He could have helped me. Now my gamble has to continue you. The conversation really got under my skin. My theory is why he did not give it to me: he realized it was the only chance for me to attend college. Either he acted like that because of his principles not to prescribe it to patients or he was scared about his reputation that one of his patient potentially becomes an addict. I assume the latter one. Even when I write these words it really gets under my skin.
So far an horrible day but it became way worse. I currently text with that bipolar girl. Usually she is the delusional one but she is pretty reflective currently. Today I became the delusional one of us. She told me some days ago she does not want to text with me about suicidal thoughts. This made me paranoid because I feared she would distance herself from me like when my therapists gave me up. My fear about that led to the fact that I had the urge to talk with her about my suicidality which she did not like. She told me this topic is too serious to discuss it on the internet. I was paranoid she could explain some details about me to her therapist. I know this guy it was the one who gave me up after I was fired. My paranoid theory was: my suicidality would be so burdensome for her that she has to alleviate herself from that pressure by talking with her therapist about it. It was fully delusional and it was bullshit I realized that eventually. I told her very explicitly my suicidal thoughts. However I drew one red line. I already plan to kill myself after my next major relapse. I came to the conclusion I will wait to order SN untill that happens but my determination to go through with it grows more and more especially after days like this one. I did not tell her that I already plan to do it either when I have another psychosis or my mom dies. She once called my anxieties irrational and she pretended money issues would not be my real reason to commit suicide. Like what the fuck. She does not have a clue what she is talking about. Is this kitchen sink psychology? My anxiety stems inter alia from the extreme psychomsomatic pain which I experienced after my both crashes. And the lack of money certainly is one of my major reasons to kill myself.
However the talk about my suicidality with her made me increasingly paranoid. But while I became paranoid I had the stronger urge to talk about my suicidality which she did not like. I messaged my best friends what they have to say about the screenshots and they told me I am paranoid and well it was the full truth. When I realized that I crashed from psychotic thoughts into major depression. This is insanely painful. It is like a tactical nuke compared to a strategic nuke and the bigger one is comparable to my major relapse when I plan to kill myself. I really feel like that posting about it on here helps me to get some distance to it. I experienced extreme shame about being so insane, extreme self-hatred and self-loathing, I had the strong urge to hurt myself (which got less by venting on here).
I had the strong urge to pull off my skin. I want to elaborate on that. I was physically abused by my mom since the age of 5. I was beaten up almost every single day for a decade. I cried so much. With 15 I stopped crying. I resisted her violence I did not cry anymore. This is when it got less. However my suicidality started. I started to fantasize about killing me. I lurked on a website about censorship in TV shows, or video games. I was pretty interested in that topic. There was some nudity on the website but also pretty graphical violence. I watched a lot of TV to that time and saw an ad of a violent movie which came late at night. I searched on that website for that movie. And I saw how the main protagonist pulled off his skin. It were only pictures no video. That resonated with me. Late at night before I wanted to go to sleep my mom hit me again for showing OCD behavior. And I really felt like. Damn I also want to pull off my fucking skin. I felt extremely uncomfortable when she beated me. It felt like my soul was puking. Like my soul gets torn apart. This led to an increase in my consumption of even more and more graphical content. I think after some time I switched to liveleak and watched real life gore. But there were also some suicides on youtube which I watched. I felt pretty nauseous from extreme content. From what I have read in this forum there is some extreme content which was too much for me. I did not watch extremely explicit content. For example how it looks like if one gets hit by a train. I was scared of how that looks like but it was one of my favorite methods to that time. Always when I felt like I want to pull off my skin I wanted to kill myself violently. Others would have started to self-harm but I was too scared about blood. The hardest thing I watched was a beheading. To that time ISIS was omnipresent in the media and that made my curious. The beheading I watched was not from ISIS I assume retrospectively that it was from the Mexican mafia an innocent woman. I sometimes had nightmares from that video especially when I was acute suicidal and fantasized about suicide. I skipped through some parts of the video but it was too much for me. I felt horrendous. And after this one I only watched less explicit videos I think. I recommended many times in this forum that watching real life gore is a very bad idea it is bad for ones mental health and that it is probably immoral due to the fact in most cases there is no consent of the people shown. Moreover in the comment sections despicable people make fun of the victims. I regret to have watched it but to that time I had no other way to cope. In my opinion it still was better than self harm. But in some way it literally was self-harm.
After my crashes of mania/psychosis into major depression I had very extreme psychosomatic pain in my legs. It felt like I was torn apart with no relief. In an extreme magnitude this lasted 6 months. I plan to kill myself when that shit returns. There is no reasonable reason to go on with my torture if that happens. I tried I fucking tried. This pain was very similar to wanting to pull off my skin. Pulling off my skin was the logical consequence of this torn apart soul. Suicide is just the logical conclusion after all the abuse and bullying that happened in my life. I am a broken person. I know how stories like mine end. I know what awaits me. I feel comfort by this forum that I am not alone with this step. A lot of people I liked used SN as a method. And it is also my prefered method of choice when I reach my limit.
So I had this minor crash today. And I feel devastated after what happened. I won't do it now but well God if he exists gives me a lot of good reasons to go through with it. I feel nightmarish and the intensity after a psychosis was like 15 times times more excruciating but remained in a very high magnitude for at least half a year. There are people in this forum who say they fear they will never have the guts to go through with it. Well I don't have that fear. If this pain returns there will literally be no other option for me. Despite the fact I have the strong desire to punish me with a violent suicide in my crashs. When it becomes really serious I still prefer peaceful and secure methods. This forum guarantees me some form of dignity. I am not cynically forced to die cruelly of how my tormented mind wants me to go. It will be difficult to administer to buy the SN, receive it with my family not noticing it and taking it. I am scared when people describe that they were forced to go to the psych ward when the parcel was intercepted. I do not want to order it now the risk is too high that my mom gets a stroke or something like that happens. But I will certainly try to buy it when the time comes. If my mom dies prematurely everything has to happen very fast I am scared to lose my apartment due to the lack of money. I am also certain to do it then.
My determination grows and grows to go through with it when the big crash happens. And it is likely only a matter of time. I am so glad I found this forum. It comforts me to document all the unfair things that happened in my life. And it comforts me not having choose a violent method with the potential risk to get permanently disabled. Moreover I appreciate that unlike to that bipolar woman I don't have to censor me on the topic suicide like on the rest of the fucking internet. I feel bad for talking with her about my suicidality despite the fact she did not want it but believe me I already torment me over that and I consider to stop texting because of that. I never ever want to molest someone. This is one my biggest fears. But in this scenario it is still rather unlikely I hope.
Thanks for reading and fuck my life!
However noone wants to prescribe me this medication. I was in that practice already some weeks ago and then it turned out that the psychiatrist would leave that workplace soon so that the appointment was useless. Today when I had the appointment it was the same. The first thing the woman said was "You wanted to have an appointment with a psychiatrist that works with you in the longrun however I will soon leave this pratice." I got so fucking pissed. The psychiatrist found that funny. She said to me to go back to the waiting room. Well I had to wait 45 minutes so that another psychiatrist had time for me. It was one of the bosses of the practice. He had some information about me on his PC. And after 2-3 minutes he said "Well I have a problem with your medication. I would never prescribe to you that benzo and z-medication". I was disappointed. The other psychiatrist in that practice would have at least prescribed me that z-medication. I told him how desperate my situation is. I told him I was fired several times for depression and that college is my last chance to get a stable income. (Please no recommendation what else would be possible like gig economy I don't want that - I heard such advices way too often), I told him I am literally with my back against the wall. That otherwise I would remain unemployed forever. I asked him whether I should give up and what else I should try to do. I literally begged him for that medication. He said to well try a different medication. I told him I already did that and that it is utopian to expect that to work. I already almost relapsed WITH the benzo and z-medication. I got pretty emotional. I was furious and desperate. I think he realized that I really was dependent on that medication in order to function. He told me the chances to find a psychiatrist who prescribes it to me is very low (which I was aware of). He told me to ask other psychiatrists in other practices who might agree on that. THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE! He had the fucking power to do it. He is the fucking boss of that fucking practice. He could have helped me. Now my gamble has to continue you. The conversation really got under my skin. My theory is why he did not give it to me: he realized it was the only chance for me to attend college. Either he acted like that because of his principles not to prescribe it to patients or he was scared about his reputation that one of his patient potentially becomes an addict. I assume the latter one. Even when I write these words it really gets under my skin.
So far an horrible day but it became way worse. I currently text with that bipolar girl. Usually she is the delusional one but she is pretty reflective currently. Today I became the delusional one of us. She told me some days ago she does not want to text with me about suicidal thoughts. This made me paranoid because I feared she would distance herself from me like when my therapists gave me up. My fear about that led to the fact that I had the urge to talk with her about my suicidality which she did not like. She told me this topic is too serious to discuss it on the internet. I was paranoid she could explain some details about me to her therapist. I know this guy it was the one who gave me up after I was fired. My paranoid theory was: my suicidality would be so burdensome for her that she has to alleviate herself from that pressure by talking with her therapist about it. It was fully delusional and it was bullshit I realized that eventually. I told her very explicitly my suicidal thoughts. However I drew one red line. I already plan to kill myself after my next major relapse. I came to the conclusion I will wait to order SN untill that happens but my determination to go through with it grows more and more especially after days like this one. I did not tell her that I already plan to do it either when I have another psychosis or my mom dies. She once called my anxieties irrational and she pretended money issues would not be my real reason to commit suicide. Like what the fuck. She does not have a clue what she is talking about. Is this kitchen sink psychology? My anxiety stems inter alia from the extreme psychomsomatic pain which I experienced after my both crashes. And the lack of money certainly is one of my major reasons to kill myself.
However the talk about my suicidality with her made me increasingly paranoid. But while I became paranoid I had the stronger urge to talk about my suicidality which she did not like. I messaged my best friends what they have to say about the screenshots and they told me I am paranoid and well it was the full truth. When I realized that I crashed from psychotic thoughts into major depression. This is insanely painful. It is like a tactical nuke compared to a strategic nuke and the bigger one is comparable to my major relapse when I plan to kill myself. I really feel like that posting about it on here helps me to get some distance to it. I experienced extreme shame about being so insane, extreme self-hatred and self-loathing, I had the strong urge to hurt myself (which got less by venting on here).
I had the strong urge to pull off my skin. I want to elaborate on that. I was physically abused by my mom since the age of 5. I was beaten up almost every single day for a decade. I cried so much. With 15 I stopped crying. I resisted her violence I did not cry anymore. This is when it got less. However my suicidality started. I started to fantasize about killing me. I lurked on a website about censorship in TV shows, or video games. I was pretty interested in that topic. There was some nudity on the website but also pretty graphical violence. I watched a lot of TV to that time and saw an ad of a violent movie which came late at night. I searched on that website for that movie. And I saw how the main protagonist pulled off his skin. It were only pictures no video. That resonated with me. Late at night before I wanted to go to sleep my mom hit me again for showing OCD behavior. And I really felt like. Damn I also want to pull off my fucking skin. I felt extremely uncomfortable when she beated me. It felt like my soul was puking. Like my soul gets torn apart. This led to an increase in my consumption of even more and more graphical content. I think after some time I switched to liveleak and watched real life gore. But there were also some suicides on youtube which I watched. I felt pretty nauseous from extreme content. From what I have read in this forum there is some extreme content which was too much for me. I did not watch extremely explicit content. For example how it looks like if one gets hit by a train. I was scared of how that looks like but it was one of my favorite methods to that time. Always when I felt like I want to pull off my skin I wanted to kill myself violently. Others would have started to self-harm but I was too scared about blood. The hardest thing I watched was a beheading. To that time ISIS was omnipresent in the media and that made my curious. The beheading I watched was not from ISIS I assume retrospectively that it was from the Mexican mafia an innocent woman. I sometimes had nightmares from that video especially when I was acute suicidal and fantasized about suicide. I skipped through some parts of the video but it was too much for me. I felt horrendous. And after this one I only watched less explicit videos I think. I recommended many times in this forum that watching real life gore is a very bad idea it is bad for ones mental health and that it is probably immoral due to the fact in most cases there is no consent of the people shown. Moreover in the comment sections despicable people make fun of the victims. I regret to have watched it but to that time I had no other way to cope. In my opinion it still was better than self harm. But in some way it literally was self-harm.
After my crashes of mania/psychosis into major depression I had very extreme psychosomatic pain in my legs. It felt like I was torn apart with no relief. In an extreme magnitude this lasted 6 months. I plan to kill myself when that shit returns. There is no reasonable reason to go on with my torture if that happens. I tried I fucking tried. This pain was very similar to wanting to pull off my skin. Pulling off my skin was the logical consequence of this torn apart soul. Suicide is just the logical conclusion after all the abuse and bullying that happened in my life. I am a broken person. I know how stories like mine end. I know what awaits me. I feel comfort by this forum that I am not alone with this step. A lot of people I liked used SN as a method. And it is also my prefered method of choice when I reach my limit.
So I had this minor crash today. And I feel devastated after what happened. I won't do it now but well God if he exists gives me a lot of good reasons to go through with it. I feel nightmarish and the intensity after a psychosis was like 15 times times more excruciating but remained in a very high magnitude for at least half a year. There are people in this forum who say they fear they will never have the guts to go through with it. Well I don't have that fear. If this pain returns there will literally be no other option for me. Despite the fact I have the strong desire to punish me with a violent suicide in my crashs. When it becomes really serious I still prefer peaceful and secure methods. This forum guarantees me some form of dignity. I am not cynically forced to die cruelly of how my tormented mind wants me to go. It will be difficult to administer to buy the SN, receive it with my family not noticing it and taking it. I am scared when people describe that they were forced to go to the psych ward when the parcel was intercepted. I do not want to order it now the risk is too high that my mom gets a stroke or something like that happens. But I will certainly try to buy it when the time comes. If my mom dies prematurely everything has to happen very fast I am scared to lose my apartment due to the lack of money. I am also certain to do it then.
My determination grows and grows to go through with it when the big crash happens. And it is likely only a matter of time. I am so glad I found this forum. It comforts me to document all the unfair things that happened in my life. And it comforts me not having choose a violent method with the potential risk to get permanently disabled. Moreover I appreciate that unlike to that bipolar woman I don't have to censor me on the topic suicide like on the rest of the fucking internet. I feel bad for talking with her about my suicidality despite the fact she did not want it but believe me I already torment me over that and I consider to stop texting because of that. I never ever want to molest someone. This is one my biggest fears. But in this scenario it is still rather unlikely I hope.
Thanks for reading and fuck my life!
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