I would like a reset button more than anything. Would redo my entire life if I had to. Sadly, I don't want to live wishing things had been better. Everyone has regrets but I have too many. I must die to avoid feeling this any further.
I feel the same way. I've dug myself into such a big hole its gotten to the point I know if I don't end my life quickly, I'm going to die a painful death.
I'm a firm believer in repenting and changing ones ways, but what about someone who has gotten themself to a point where they can't even get into a local homeless shelter. That is literally what I'm running into. I know deep down it's all my fault but I'm honestly that stupid that I spent my whole life burning bridges and destroyed my any healthy relationships.
I've been told I have NPD and it's gotten to the point where there is nothing to look forward to. The problem is I have no realistic way to end my life that is feasible. I could shoot myself but I don't have access to a gun, and that honestly is the only thing quick enough that I could potentially see myself doing.
I know we can walk away from our past, but when our future is being decided by past mistakes, you actually can't. I guess there's triumph on n not trying to commit suicide while knowing the worst is to come, like Jesus didn't when knowing he was going to die on the cross.
But I'm a firm believer in ending her man suffering.
The problem is I'm in America and we don't have any statewide assisted suicide laws, at least not in Ohio.
If I was Canadian, I know they have it so that you can end your life for mental health reasons, but I'm not Canadian.
I honestly to God was just that immature that I didn't see doctors or dentists, thinking I would be fine, because natural immunity or some shit. I honestly was just that arrogant to believe nothing bad would happen to me, and now that it is, I'm trying to get out of the pain that comes with it.
I know people don't believe in personality disorders but I honestly know I have one. When around other healthy adults its always obvious im not normal, and I don't fit in like others do.
In elementary and high school I thought I was just weird, but as I approach my 40s I know really it's just that I'm the problem. I can't control my urges and never developed the part of my brain responsible for emotional maturity.
I'm not sure if it's genetic or just trauma from growing up, but it hasn't gotten any better, and outside of a miracle, won't get any better.
You're right about erasing our life because that's how I feel. I know where I've made mistakes and what I could have done to choose the right decision, but resetting my life doesn't change who I am l, which sadly is the problem. If I could remake myself or fix my character flaws, then yes, I would be happy resetting my life knowing I'm not the same person. However, knowing myself, I wouldn't want to relive thru all the bad experiences because it would take a lifetime of learning to relive childhood and early adulthood, and to do that, I would have to be someone completely different which as much as I want to be, isn't happening.
I don't like myself and how I behave, and that honestly is why I want to CTB. I can live with the humiliation of making mistakes, but knowing the worst is to come is why I want out.
Sadly, I wouldnt qualify for something like Dignitas or exit international, because they don't accept people who can't make competent decisions for themself
They would say not mentally capable of choosing to end my life, and now I don't have a terminal illness with 6 months left to live.
What I do have is stupidity and immaturity, and undeveloped emotional capabilities that have severely hampered my life to the point where I don't think I will survive the winter.
It's honestly that bad. So yeah, erasing my life sounds like the true response to this post.
