charaunderground
* Let justice be done.
- Nov 29, 2024
- 153
Imagine you are stuck in an abusive, poorly paying, dead end job. You do not like this job. Every day, you dread going to work — the money isn't nearly worth the harm you suffer, you have no chance to advance your career, and you have little to no chance of the circumstances of your job ever improving. Even when your boss teases a bonus or increased pay, nine times out of ten, it turns out it was a bluff. When on the odd chance it isn't, there's a major catch, or you lose tons of hours immediately after, putting you in a worse position than if you'd never received the bonus at all. While all of this is happening, your coworkers insist nothing is wrong, everything at work is great, and you'll make six figures one day if you just keep working at this absolutely miserable place.
That's kind of what life has become to me. I have good days where I'm not constantly thinking of suicide. I can feel happy for periods of time. I can improve.
But I swear it always, always ends up ruined and I turn out worse off than before.
Start saving up money? Car alternator dies and all the savings plus some are gone. Start feeling a touch more stable emotionally? Boom, tons of unavoidable stress out of nowhere. And so on and so on.
It grows ever more tiring. I've dropped even more hobbies and spend all my hours scrolling, and have even got on a virtual hiatus off some social sites because I don't have the energy to scroll sometimes anymore. I stare at the ceiling, or sleep, or daydream. Everything is a major effort and horribly mentally/physically taxing nowadays, even minor tasks. Had to pick up some stuff off my floor the other day, procrasted this for over a week, and was utterly genuinely exhausted afterwards. It didn't even take ten minutes to tire me. I've been slacking off at work and am surprised no one's called me out, but then again, I mask more there. I even stopped the shopping addiction (good) because I was too tired to care to look for stuff online (bad).
Even if I don't CTB soon, I'm not exactly "living" and I hate how prolife people take "person is alive and gets out of bed sometimes = uwu healthy and can be Fixed". I just want out. I hate the idea of having to continue doing this for 60+ more years and doubt I'll survive five further. I have little energy to try and improve, especially when every attempt ends with me somehow worse off.
That's kind of what life has become to me. I have good days where I'm not constantly thinking of suicide. I can feel happy for periods of time. I can improve.
But I swear it always, always ends up ruined and I turn out worse off than before.
Start saving up money? Car alternator dies and all the savings plus some are gone. Start feeling a touch more stable emotionally? Boom, tons of unavoidable stress out of nowhere. And so on and so on.
It grows ever more tiring. I've dropped even more hobbies and spend all my hours scrolling, and have even got on a virtual hiatus off some social sites because I don't have the energy to scroll sometimes anymore. I stare at the ceiling, or sleep, or daydream. Everything is a major effort and horribly mentally/physically taxing nowadays, even minor tasks. Had to pick up some stuff off my floor the other day, procrasted this for over a week, and was utterly genuinely exhausted afterwards. It didn't even take ten minutes to tire me. I've been slacking off at work and am surprised no one's called me out, but then again, I mask more there. I even stopped the shopping addiction (good) because I was too tired to care to look for stuff online (bad).
Even if I don't CTB soon, I'm not exactly "living" and I hate how prolife people take "person is alive and gets out of bed sometimes = uwu healthy and can be Fixed". I just want out. I hate the idea of having to continue doing this for 60+ more years and doubt I'll survive five further. I have little energy to try and improve, especially when every attempt ends with me somehow worse off.
