NSFW I want to CTB by slashing. I need help to build tolerance to blades.

[l1felover]

Even if I don't carry out with it, I still want advice on how I can get over my anxiety surrounding knives and blades, so I can more efficiently sh. I know I'm supposed to have an instinct to not hurt myself, but it's deeper than that because I can burn myself and hit myself hard. I think I have a deeper thing with blades that I want to get over. If I were to carry out CTB, it would be to slash myself vertically on both arms, and possibly my neck as well. At the very least I want to slit my wrists and bleed out in some way. I have a fear of blades. My sh isn't very bad right now, only cat scratches and I haven't done it in about a month or two, but I want some advice on how to get over my brain being afraid. It's important to me that the way I die is by bleeding out. I really don't want to take pills again. I also feel obligated to punish myself, and sh feels like the right way to do it. Any advice?

 

[vanibless]

Unpleasant way to go and even if you cut deep enough then you would have to hit the right spot. Idk about overcoming the fear of blades I mean you can see people on shtwt cutting to the beans or deeper but I think they're on drugs or something.

 

[needthebus]

Even if I don't carry out with it, I still want advice on how I can get over my anxiety surrounding knives and blades, so I can more efficiently sh. I know I'm supposed to have an instinct to not hurt myself, but it's deeper than that because I can burn myself and hit myself hard. I think I have a deeper thing with blades that I want to get over. If I were to carry out CTB, it would be to slash myself vertically on both arms, and possibly my neck as well. At the very least I want to slit my wrists and bleed out in some way. I have a fear of blades. My sh isn't very bad right now, only cat scratches and I haven't done it in about a month or two, but I want some advice on how to get over my brain being afraid. It's important to me that the way I die is by bleeding out. I really don't want to take pills again. I also feel obligated to punish myself, and sh feels like the right way to do it. Any advice?

do you have schizophrenia? it sounds sort of irrational and compulsive to want yourself to hurt this way. Are you in your right mind?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Idk about overcoming the fear of blades I mean you can see people on shtwt cutting to the beans or deeper but I think they're on drugs or something.

You'll be amazed by how quickly some grow to become desensitized to cutting that deep. The first time I hit the bean, I was terrified. Not that long afterward, I found myself hitting the top of the bean layer several times, and at one point (while I was in the middle of continuously trying and failing to ctb via hanging) I ended up cutting into the fat layer. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and longer (my cuts were usually small lengthwise. Examples:

Spoiler: Slight TW

). You also have to take into consideration the competitiveness of self-harm and how a lot of SHers feel like their SH isn't valid. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and made my cuts longer because I still feel like my SH isn't valid. I can't do shit now because my parents know about it, which sucks. Plus, I'd probably end up causing my bf to become stressed out and he already has his own shit to deal with. It sucks. Anyway, shtwt is a competitive environment where a lot of invalidation goes on. People apart of that community usually feel pressured into cutting as deep as possible to keep up and to feel validated. SH is basically encouraged by members of that community. It's a mess. You don't need drugs to cut deep. You just need to be desensitized and have a high enough pain tolerance, along with enough motivation to do so.


@l1felover The method you are choosing is a pretty unreliable one. You are more likely to survive with permanent bodily damage than you are to succeed. Said damage might also end up increasing your suffering and make life even more unbearable. Most of the users on here do not recommend the method you want to use for a reason (and I'm saying this as someone who wishes they could die by slashing their arms).

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm not going to give advice on how to sh because, firstly, I don't know and, secondly, I don't want to give advice to people that causes them to harm themselves as I'm anti suffering. I just want to say that cutting isn't a good suicide method as you'd survive it. It's referred as a non method on this site

 

[vanibless]

You'll be amazed by how quickly some grow to become desensitized to cutting that deep. The first time I hit the bean, I was terrified. Not that long afterward, I found myself hitting the top of the bean layer several times, and at one point (while I was in the middle of continuously trying and failing to ctb via hanging) I ended up cutting into the fat layer. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and longer (my cuts were usually small lengthwise. Examples:

Spoiler: Slight TW

View attachment 154407
View attachment 154408

). You also have to take into consideration the competitiveness of self-harm and how a lot of SHers feel like their SH isn't valid. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and made my cuts longer because I still feel like my SH isn't valid. I can't do shit now because my parents know about it, which sucks. Plus, I'd probably end up causing my bf to become stressed out and he already has his own shit to deal with. It sucks. Anyway, shtwt is a competitive environment where a lot of invalidation goes on. People apart of that community usually feel pressured into cutting as deep as possible to keep up and to feel validated. SH is basically encouraged by members of that community. It's a mess. You don't need drugs to cut deep. You just need to be desensitized and have a high enough pain tolerance, along with enough motivation to do so.


@l1felover The method you are choosing is a pretty unreliable one. You are more likely to survive with permanent bodily damage than you are to succeed. Said damage might also end up increasing your suffering and make life even more unbearable. Most of the users on here do not recommend the method you want to use for a reason (and I'm saying this as someone who wishes they could die by slashing their arms).

You'll be amazed by how quickly some grow to become desensitized to cutting that deep. The first time I hit the bean, I was terrified. Not that long afterward, I found myself hitting the top of the bean layer several times, and at one point (while I was in the middle of continuously trying and failing to ctb via hanging) I ended up cutting into the fat layer. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and longer (my cuts were usually small lengthwise. Examples:

Spoiler: Slight TW

View attachment 154407
View attachment 154408

). You also have to take into consideration the competitiveness of self-harm and how a lot of SHers feel like their SH isn't valid. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and made my cuts longer because I still feel like my SH isn't valid. I can't do shit now because my parents know about it, which sucks. Plus, I'd probably end up causing my bf to become stressed out and he already has his own shit to deal with. It sucks. Anyway, shtwt is a competitive environment where a lot of invalidation goes on. People apart of that community usually feel pressured into cutting as deep as possible to keep up and to feel validated. SH is basically encouraged by members of that community. It's a mess. You don't need drugs to cut deep. You just need to be desensitized and have a high enough pain tolerance, along with enough motivation to do so.


@l1felover The method you are choosing is a pretty unreliable one. You are more likely to survive with permanent bodily damage than you are to succeed. Said damage might also end up increasing your suffering and make life even more unbearable. Most of the users on here do not recommend the method you want to use for a reason (and I'm saying this as someone who wishes they could die by slashing their arms).

How did you addes a spoiler on a photo bc I wanna post something but idk if I can here without a TW..

 

[EvisceratedJester]

How did you addes a spoiler on a photo bc I wanna post something but idk if I can here without a TW..

Press on the kebab menu beside the image icon and then press on the crossed out eye.

When you do, this will pop up

And you can type out a TW.

 

[vanibless]

You'll be amazed by how quickly some grow to become desensitized to cutting that deep. The first time I hit the bean, I was terrified. Not that long afterward, I found myself hitting the top of the bean layer several times, and at one point (while I was in the middle of continuously trying and failing to ctb via hanging) I ended up cutting into the fat layer. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and longer (my cuts were usually small lengthwise. Examples:

Spoiler: Slight TW

View attachment 154407
View attachment 154408

). You also have to take into consideration the competitiveness of self-harm and how a lot of SHers feel like their SH isn't valid. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and made my cuts longer because I still feel like my SH isn't valid. I can't do shit now because my parents know about it, which sucks. Plus, I'd probably end up causing my bf to become stressed out and he already has his own shit to deal with. It sucks. Anyway, shtwt is a competitive environment where a lot of invalidation goes on. People apart of that community usually feel pressured into cutting as deep as possible to keep up and to feel validated. SH is basically encouraged by members of that community. It's a mess. You don't need drugs to cut deep. You just need to be desensitized and have a high enough pain tolerance, along with enough motivation to do so.


@l1felover The method you are choosing is a pretty unreliable one. You are more likely to survive with permanent bodily damage than you are to succeed. Said damage might also end up increasing your suffering and make life even more unbearable. Most of the users on here do not recommend the method you want to use for a reason (and I'm saying this as someone who wishes they could die by slashing their arms).

Ok thanks vro so
[S

Spoiler: Very graphic imag 🚓

View attachment 154416

I was talking about these types of beans bc how tf someone continue to dig this deep without any painkillers?drugs??or has extreme schizophrenia like...I understand that self harm gives you dopamine hit but I just can't imagine how anyone would bear the pain without any pills this shiii impossiblewtf

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Ok thanks vro so
[S

Spoiler: Very graphic imag 🚓

View attachment 154416

I was talking about these types of beans bc how tf someone continue to dig this deep without any painkillers?drugs??or has extreme schizophrenia like...I understand that self harm gives you dopamine hit but I just can't imagine how anyone would bear the pain without any pills this shiii impossiblewtf

There aren't any pain receptors past the dermis layer, so it doesn't hurt that much. Also, most SHers don't have schizophrenia. Many who SH partly do it because of the pain. It's a way to externalize emotional pain. Along with that, many SHers harm themselves as a form of punishment so the pain ends up being an integral aspect of the experience.

Also, I cannot see the image you have posted. You should try clicking on the paper icon at the corner next time to see what your post will look like when it's posted (it'll help you see if your image will be visible or not).

 

[j1nxxb0yjj4ke]

I tried it, did it lengthwise and horizontally.
Also ingested 27 x 1mg Xanax.

I unfortunately lived. My dad came into the bathroom, ran out and called the ambulance.
Got stitches, but they didn't send me to a ward lol.
My dad did though.
If you wanna see the scars, just ask. They're now 5 years old.
Don't have any on my laptop, would have to either take some or would have to login on my phone first.

 

[l1felover]

You'll be amazed by how quickly some grow to become desensitized to cutting that deep. The first time I hit the bean, I was terrified. Not that long afterward, I found myself hitting the top of the bean layer several times, and at one point (while I was in the middle of continuously trying and failing to ctb via hanging) I ended up cutting into the fat layer. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and longer (my cuts were usually small lengthwise. Examples:

Spoiler: Slight TW

View attachment 154407
View attachment 154408

). You also have to take into consideration the competitiveness of self-harm and how a lot of SHers feel like their SH isn't valid. I still find myself wishing that I had cut deeper and made my cuts longer because I still feel like my SH isn't valid. I can't do shit now because my parents know about it, which sucks. Plus, I'd probably end up causing my bf to become stressed out and he already has his own shit to deal with. It sucks. Anyway, shtwt is a competitive environment where a lot of invalidation goes on. People apart of that community usually feel pressured into cutting as deep as possible to keep up and to feel validated. SH is basically encouraged by members of that community. It's a mess. You don't need drugs to cut deep. You just need to be desensitized and have a high enough pain tolerance, along with enough motivation to do so.


@l1felover The method you are choosing is a pretty unreliable one. You are more likely to survive with permanent bodily damage than you are to succeed. Said damage might also end up increasing your suffering and make life even more unbearable. Most of the users on here do not recommend the method you want to use for a reason (and I'm saying this as someone who wishes they could die by slashing their arms).

venting, TW

I understand it's not very reliable. It's fucked how deep those cuts are. To be honest, I really do feel like my sh isn't valid and one of the reasons I want to cut deeper or want my cuts to at least scar is so that I can feel validated I guess. It seems stupid but I obsess over it. I fantasize about other people looking at me with empathy and sympathy, and even people looking at me weird like im a freak. I want people to notice the cuts, I want my mom to take my razors away, I want to be found bleeding and put into the hospital, and I know its bad for me but that's also why I want to do it is because it's bad for me. I know how stupid and dramatic all this sounds but I don't know.

I've noticed once I get a few scratches on my skin I can cut easier, and once I did almost 30 consecutive cuts on my arm, some pierced the skin some didn't, but it felt really good to have scars for a while. I know thats stupid and I know how horrible this sounds because I know people who hate their scars, but having the injuries on my skin makes me feel better about myself as stupid as it sounds.

And while I'm saying all this, Its also true that I use cutting as a genuine coping mechanism. It's a way for me to stop my body from shaking and quivering, there was a point where it felt like scratching an itch, and the sharpness of the blade against my skin is a really weird and interesting sensation.

I think a girl I dated who had bad sh scars all over her body caused some of this. She talked about sh in a way that was so casual and talked about it like it wasn't bad, which was new to me because my sister talks about her sh like she hates it. I feel horrible about all of this because I know people like my sister and my ex struggle with it and I don't. I think it's a solution to this weird survivor's guilt that I have. Like I said earlier, it's also a way for me to deal with self-esteem because the cuts and the blood running feel so good to look at, and it's a relief from all this stuff I feel towards myself.

I don't want to encourage it, and I don't want it to seem like I think it's a good thing. But to me, it's a good thing. But only because I feel like I deserve it. It sounds stupid reading that out loud but I honestly have no Idea why I feel like this, and I wish nobody who didn't deserve to struggle had to and I feel like it's so unfair.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

venting, TW

I understand it's not very reliable. It's fucked how deep those cuts are. To be honest, I really do feel like my sh isn't valid and one of the reasons I want to cut deeper or want my cuts to at least scar is so that I can feel validated I guess. It seems stupid but I obsess over it. I fantasize about other people looking at me with empathy and sympathy, and even people looking at me weird like im a freak. I want people to notice the cuts, I want my mom to take my razors away, I want to be found bleeding and put into the hospital, and I know its bad for me but that's also why I want to do it is because it's bad for me. I know how stupid and dramatic all this sounds but I don't know.

I've noticed once I get a few scratches on my skin I can cut easier, and once I did almost 30 consecutive cuts on my arm, some pierced the skin some didn't, but it felt really good to have scars for a while. I know thats stupid and I know how horrible this sounds because I know people who hate their scars, but having the injuries on my skin makes me feel better about myself as stupid as it sounds.

And while I'm saying all this, Its also true that I use cutting as a genuine coping mechanism. It's a way for me to stop my body from shaking and quivering, there was a point where it felt like scratching an itch, and the sharpness of the blade against my skin is a really weird and interesting sensation.

I think a girl I dated who had bad sh scars all over her body caused some of this. She talked about sh in a way that was so casual and talked about it like it wasn't bad, which was new to me because my sister talks about her sh like she hates it. I feel horrible about all of this because I know people like my sister and my ex struggle with it and I don't. I think it's a solution to this weird survivor's guilt that I have. Like I said earlier, it's also a way for me to deal with self-esteem because the cuts and the blood running feel so good to look at, and it's a relief from all this stuff I feel towards myself.

I don't want to encourage it, and I don't want it to seem like I think it's a good thing. But to me, it's a good thing. But only because I feel like I deserve it. It sounds stupid reading that out loud but I honestly have no Idea why I feel like this, and I wish nobody who didn't deserve to struggle had to and I feel like it's so unfair.

I get it. The thing is, that feeling of validity never truly comes. You cut deeper, you feel satisfied for a bit, and then you feel like you aren't cutting deep enough, you start cutting deeper, and then the cycle repeats itself. The fact that you are purposely causing to yourself already makes your SH valid. Most people would already probably freak out over you giving yourself catscratches. Hell, a fucked up part of me likes my scars and even then, I don't feel like I have enough of them for my SH to feel valid. This was despite seeing how others reacted to it (mainly my parents, my bf, and a few guys I used to sext prior to our relationship). I also understand those feelings of relief you get from it too. I don't think you said anything here that is worth feeling bad or weird about. A lot of this is pretty common amongst SHers and I can relate to most of this as someone who only stopped SHing a few months back.

I'm sorry you've gotten to a point where want to harm yourself more severely as a cry for help, btw. The thing is, that fantasy you have is quite awful when played out irl. During my third suicide attempt, I remember thinking about what might happen if I did survive and a part of me did like the idea of having all this love and sympathy being thrown my way. When I ended up having to go to the hospital, the experiment was actually quite awful. I was repeatedly asked why I attempted to kill myself, I felt guilty watching my family in distress over my actions, I felt humiliated and ashamed of myself for failing, and so on. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't want to go through again.

 

[l1felover]

I get it. The thing is, that feeling of validity never truly comes. You cut deeper, you feel satisfied for a bit, and then you feel like you aren't cutting deep enough, you start cutting deeper, and then the cycle repeats itself. The fact that you are purposely causing to yourself already makes your SH valid. Most people would already probably freak out over you giving yourself catscratches. Hell, a fucked up part of me likes my scars and even then, I don't feel like I have enough of them for my SH to feel valid. This was despite seeing how others reacted to it (mainly my parents, my bf, and a few guys I used to sext prior to our relationship). I also understand those feelings of relief you get from it too. I don't think you said anything here that is worth feeling bad or weird about. A lot of this is pretty common amongst SHers and I can relate to most of this as someone who only stopped SHing a few months back.

I'm sorry you've gotten to a point where want to harm yourself more severely as a cry for help, btw. The thing is, that fantasy you have is quite awful when played out irl. During my third suicide attempt, I remember thinking about what might happen if I did survive and a part of me did like the idea of having all this love and sympathy being thrown my way. When I ended up having to go to the hospital, the experiment was actually quite awful. I was repeatedly asked why I attempted to kill myself, I felt guilty watching my family in distress over my actions, I felt humiliated and ashamed of myself for failing, and so on. It was an awful experience that I wouldn't want to go through again.

It's messed up that I know exactly what you're talking about. When I woke up in the hospital after an overdose, my mom was crying and she told me it was the worst 24 hours of her life. She though I would never be the same again if I survived. I had my siblings text me, two of my siblings came by and stayed in the hospital with me until I was released, and my mom threatened that if she knew I was still suicidal afterwords she would put me into the hospital full time. I'm currently waiting out to see if I want to even attempt again because I'm genuinely worried about hurting her too bad since she's already going through so much right now.

Last night I asked three of my friends (who are all mentally fucked in some way) if they would attempt something if I genuinely died. They all said yes. I don't know if they were trying to give me a reason to stay alive, but I just can't be sure. I really don't want to hurt the people around me and make them worry about me, even though they might anyways. I tell myself that the people in my life would eventually get over it, and honestly a part of me believes that. You experience the death of a loved one and you move on. Sometimes you think about them, but it's not some insane traumatic experience that they'll never get over. Especially me. I mean really the only people who would be sad about my death is my family and my friends, and I don't have that many.

I'm honestly considering distancing myself from my friends so that they don't try anything. I'm also worried because I have two very mentally ill siblings who I'm worried about affecting as well. I hate being in this place of limbo where I can't attempt and I just have to live like this because I somehow got people to care about me. Seems stupid but I wish nobody did. I don't think I deserve it tbh and I just wish I could never have existed, which I guess is what everyone wishes.