Venting I want to die before I turn into a heartless person

[SmallKoy]

I have no idea how I spawned from such an evil, heartless person that is my mother. She is genuinely the most heartless person I know. She's done plenty of good things, but most often she literally does the worst possible thing. She drowns herself in conspiracy websites and stupid bullshit all the time. Here is a few things that happened recently. she does this all WHEN DRUNK. She has been an alcoholic for 40+ years.

I got diagnosed with a fungal ear infection and prescribed drops, but before we would get those drops we were given over night medication for the infection because we couldn't get the drops immediately. She complains that she spent 32 dollars on the drops and so in response I told her that she can go take the 32 dollars out of my wallet. She says to watch how I am talking to her when all I said was that if she cares about that money, she is free to go take it out of my wallet and she is causing drama for nothing. She outright refuses to taking the money even though minutes before she said she wanted it. All she does is bluff because that money literally means nothing to her. She just wanted something to be mad at. In the same conversation she constantly complains that the drops I'm taking for my ears are bullshit and do nothing and it's all my immune system that cleared up the infection so quickly. INCASE YOU DIDNT KNOW! Fungal infections can be fatal if left untreated especially in the ear area because it's so close to the brain.

Anyway, now she's complaining that she has to spend 500 dollars that I damn well know she has on vet bills for one of our cats. One of our cats pee is literally red, and she won't lose weight and has trouble cleaning herself so I'm obviously concerned and we decided we were gonna take her to the vet. Now after drinking she says she will not pay the money for the vet and that the cat is fine. Are you serious? She's fine? She's pissing blood and she's fine. Ok. It's not like I wouldn't help with the fucking vet bills, I don't have a lot of money but I work and I can at least help and besides she VERY WELL has the money for it. It doesnt affect her and she is extremely cheap when it comes to paying for medical stuff for anybody. Also, of course the medical bill for the cat is going to be expensive when you haven't taken the cat to the vet in years so the expenses fucking pile up cuz she isn't up to date on her shots. Tomorrow when she's sober I'm going to threaten to put up all our cats up for adoption if she keeps acting like she doesn't want them. And I absolutely will. I fucking love our cats but they don't fucking deserve this at all. It's so cruel.

Anyway, I want to die before I become such a heartless evil person like she is. It wouldn't surprise me if I saw into my future and I was a raging alcoholic that takes their anger out on everyone around them. Fucking hell. I hope I die. There has been so many more heartless things she's done through the years but this was just tonight so.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I sincerely doubt you will end up as a raging alcoholic who takes their anger out on everyone around them. I imagine you've gone through some heavy shit, dealing with such a troubled mother, but you still come across as caring. Even when describing your mother, you say she's done "plenty of good things". Despite the harm she causes, you are still able and willing to give her some credit. There is a lot of frustration and pain in your words, but I don't see hate, even towards her. Nothing I'm reading even hints at the possibility of you ever turning into a heartless, cruel person.

 

[SmallKoy]

I sincerely doubt you will end up as a raging alcoholic who takes their anger out on everyone around them. I imagine you've gone through some heavy shit, dealing with such a troubled mother, but you still come across as caring. Even when describing your mother, you say she's done "plenty of good things". Despite the harm she causes, you are still able and willing to give her some credit. There is a lot of frustration and pain in your words, but I don't see hate, even towards her. Nothing I'm reading even hints at the possibility of you ever turning into a heartless, cruel person.

That means a lot to me. Thanks... just feeling so emotional after everything right now.