Venting i want to do something terrible to myself so someone understands the pain i'm in

[monetpompo]

i'm really sorry that i've been making so many posts over the last few days. i keep finding it hard to breathe and i don't know where to put my feelings. i just seem to make the people in my life stressed when i talk about how i feel.
♥​

the thoughts are getting worse. they are getting bad. i barely slept tonight. i just kept on waking up. i hardly want to live. i know it would be better to ctb rather than mutilate myself, but i'm worried i'll just half ass my ctb and never find the courage to do it. it would be awful to break one of my bones or start stabbing myself in the stomach, but i don't know how to make my thoughts stop. i'm so consumed by them it's pathetic. my head keeps spinning with the idea that if i just died, all my pain would stop and all the people i'm making worried about me by bringing up suicide over and over will never have to be worried again because i'll finally be dead. i don't want people to be worried because they can't help me and i'm tossing and turning in my bed every night because i'm afraid of being alive and alone.

i don't want to be taken to the psych ward, i want to go to the hospital because i'm injured. i don't want to be forced to take antipsychotics that they'll just take me off of and then be thrown out of the hospital because i'm too sedated to be seen as a threat anymore. i want to be somewhere warm where people care about me, and people can visit me and tell me that they like me because they can finally grasp that i'm suffering. i feel so awful. i feel so awful and i don't know what to do and no one can help me.

this isn't what living is. living isn't laying in bed and not showering or eating or moving. i feel mortified that this is what my life has come to and all i can do is watch it happen like i want to keep acting like this. i can't seem to think beyond the next second. i forget that yesterday happened. i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression. it's all too much and i'm so afraid. i feel like i can't even talk to people on sasu because i feel too caught up in my own thoughts to hold a conversation. i used to be a good person, a funny person that would smile and be liked by others, but everything has gone wrong now and i'm worried that my brain is turning into porridge.

 

[liquid jen]

Don't feel bad about all the posts, it's been nice seeing you around.

I feel the same urges mentioned in the title, but ideally you shouldn't do that. Any attempt at severely hurting yourself could just end up increasing your suffering, and possibly debilitating you. No matter how overwhelming that swarm of thoughts gets.

i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression.

Genuinely so relatable.

 

[monetpompo]

Don't feel bad about all the posts, it's been nice seeing you around.

i deleted a few posts in between me making new posts. i just feel self conscious that i want to connect with people so badly. i showered, drank some water, went outside, still feel super ass and incredibly lonely. i really really do hate the person i've become and how loneliness just makes me feel twisted up inside, like i don't even feel human because no one wants me. even then, isn't wanting to be wanted also pathetic?

it just spins and spins and i don't know what to do with myself because i'm too tired to unravel how i feel at all. i don't want to make people tired of me by being honest with them and saying that i seriously, really, actually have no will to live but i'm still here because i haven't gone all the way. your asuka(?) profile picture is really cute. i watched evangelion a few days ago and i really liked it. i knew a girl on here used to have an asuka profile picture too, but it was a screencap from the anime.

i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression.

the worst thing about depression is that it's all-consuming. it will literally consume everything i love until all i want to do is hide under my covers or jump off a bridge/hang/whatever. i feel bewildered at the thought that i could stand to live another day when i have these thoughts every night, but i'm alive since dying isn't so easy. it's psychological torture to live in this state, since you desperately want to be one or the other instead of be stuck reliving all your memories instead. for some reason, i want to be 18 again. i desperately wanted to be older, but there was nothing wrong with me staying the same. i wish i could believe in myself the way i used to back then, even if i was still severely depressed.

 

[Hibiki]

i want you to know that you really have a way with words. when i read your posts i keep stopping for a minute to take in the things you're saying because i feel them so deeply. i don't think you should apologize for doing what this forum gives you space to do. in fact, i'd like to thank you for making me feel less alone. i notice that you've been around for only a few months yet you've already posted so much and presumably connected with a lot of people here in that short amount of time... i think that's something worth recognizing. you are appreciated and i hope you can see that.

i dream about similar things, about harming myself sort of like a call for help, or at least to realize my pain. that's part of the reason why i began cutting and i never cared to hide the wounds or scars. people notice, but they tend not to say anything. those who do ask about it already know, so i don't understand why they waste their breath. it hasn't really helped. i feel as though i'm back at square one.

i'm 18 right now. would it be all right to ask for any advice you might have for me?

 

[monetpompo]

want you to know that you really have a way with words. when i read your posts i keep stopping for a minute to take in the things you're saying because i feel them so deeply. i don't think you should apologize for doing what this forum gives you space to do. in fact, i'd like to thank you for making me feel less alone.

thank you for commenting. really. i was laying on my side doomscrolling because i feel upset that i'm so lonely, so i've been feeling really unappreciated lately. i just feel like nothing at all for some reason and i just want to show people how desperately i want to be something by hurting myself. but i know that'd never do me any good, so i just sulk. this site has become a hobby for me, mostly because it makes me feel comforted when i'm in a mood where i feel incapable of receiving comfort from others.

that's part of the reason why i began cutting and i never cared to hide the wounds or scars. people notice, but they tend not to say anything. those who do ask about it already know, so i don't understand why they waste their breath. it hasn't really helped.

i'm so sorry that you began cutting to feel seen by others. i'm holding off on doing it myself because i think that i would start doing it to seem like i really am going through something, but i know no one would react that differently to me. i'm also worried about being judged or shamed for it, since my mom judges me for everything. i care that you're cutting. you have to be in a dark place to start at all.

i'm 18 right now. would it be all right to ask for any advice you might have for me?

i think that being 18 is the year with the most potential, but also the most scary because you're kind of expected to be a real adult now. you're not a real adult yet, because that's made up. i started hooking up with guys way older than me now that i was the legal age. i recommend not doing that. i pretty much hated myself the whole time, but it made me feel loved and validated that people wanted to pay attention to me. i also think that you should never compare yourself to the people around you (EVER!!!) even though this advice is stupid and blatantly obvious. i always wanted to be one of my peers or classmates. literally become them, instead of have to be myself. after high school, i still wanted to become other people. but everyone is deserving of love and everyone can be loved. the world is full of people that can be your friends, but people are terrifying. i still don't know how to make friends.

going to community college or any college is awesome. people recommend going to community college if you have no idea what you want to study. and you can find a part time job at college.

what i would tell my 18 year old self is to just love himself and let himself be loved by others. for the past 2 years i've been incapable of accepting affection from others because i feel like i just don't deserve it. but even on here i can be appreciated by others. pretty much everyone in my life has been telling me to hate myself less, because i'm a good person. also vaping is bad

 

[Hibiki]

thank you for commenting. really. i was laying on my side doomscrolling because i feel upset that i'm so lonely, so i've been feeling really unappreciated lately. i just feel like nothing at all for some reason and i just want to show people how desperately i want to be something by hurting myself. but i know that'd never do me any good, so i just sulk instead. this site has become a hobby for me, mostly because it makes me feel comforted when i'm in a mood where i feel incapable of receiving comfort from others.

i'm happy you appreciate my comment. i was worried i'd come across like a stalker of some sort, but your posts just catch my eye a lot. i would read them even before i made my account. your presence and contributions are valued.

i'm so sorry that you began cutting to feel seen by others. i'm holding off on doing it myself because i think that i would start doing it to seem like i really am going through something, but i know no one would react that differently to me. i'm also worried about being judged or shamed for it, since my mom judges me for everything. i care that you're cutting. you have to be in a dark place to start at all.

the main reason i started was because i felt like draining blood from my body would... cleanse me from the negativity in some way. i thought all the bad things i was feeling and thinking would spill out of me in the form of red waste (it is waste in a way, isn't it? this blood shouldn't be keeping this worthless mutt alive; it'd do better in someone else's system). i don't know how much i still believe this. i haven't cut in some time now.

the worst things people have said to me about my cuts were from my father and astronomy professor. they asked me things like, "what did you do to yourself?" and used words like "disfigure" to refer to what i did to my body. i don't think i "disfigured" my body; i think i finally made visible what i've been experiencing inside. as ugly as my skin looks now, my head and my heart were always this way.

so yeah, i guess you would be judged for it if you started. i doubt the judgement you'd receive from others would be much worse than the judgement you already give yourself. therefore, there's no reason to do any sort of harm to yourself, be it cutting or worse. i commend you for being able to make it this far without having begun, despite all the pain you've felt. you're stronger than i am.

i think that being 18 is the year with the most potential, but also the most scary because you're kind of expected to be a real adult now. you're not a real adult yet, because that's made up. i started hooking up with guys way older than me now that i was the legal age. i recommend not doing that. i pretty much hated myself the whole time, but it made me feel loved and validated that people wanted to pay attention to me. i also think that you should never compare yourself to the people around you (EVER!!!) even though this advice is stupid and blatantly obvious. i always wanted to be one of my peers or classmates. literally become them, instead of have to be myself. it was awful. but everyone is deserving of love and everyone can be loved. the world is full of people that can be your friends, but people are terrifying.

going to community college or any college is awesome. people recommend going to community college if you have no idea what you want to study. and you can find a part time job at college.

what i would tell my 18 year old self is to just love himself and let himself be loved by others. for the past 2 years i've been incapable of accepting affection from others because i feel like i just don't deserve it. but even on here i can be appreciated by others. pretty much everyone in my life has been telling me to hate myself less, because i'm a good person. also vaping is bad >:(

unfortunately, i've begun doing everything you advised against. i have a very bad habit of intentionally attracting older men online and giving in to their sexual advances; i've been doing this for years. i also have an intense need for external validation and it often comes in the sexual form. i tend to only feel pretty when people are sexually attracted to me.
comparing myself to others is also one of my biggest flaws and toughest hardships. i beat myself up constantly because i compare myself to my boyfriend, who basically receives everything on a silver platter and doesn't know what it's like to be sad. he's studying math at a top university and my insecurity is so bad that i can't talk about school with him without lashing out or breaking down in some way.

i do attend community college. it was because i didn't get accepted into anything better, but then again, i applied to about 5 schools. my major is also hard to find in general schools (music education). i guess i have some friends, but they do nothing to mend my loneliness.

you and i are very similar. i have this terrible habit of pushing people away the moment they're too nice to me because i don't believe that anyone could ever find me worthy of such treatment. i've ruined several relationships this way. sometimes it makes me physically sick. i think if i had one wish i'd ask to be able to love myself. it's the one thing i just can't do.

i thank you for your advice regardless. i'll try to take it to heart.

 

[monetpompo]

i would read them even before i made my account. your presence and contributions are valued.

that's really nice. i made my account after lurking a bit and finding some users i liked reading posts from, but most of them went inactive. there was a really nice girl i would talk to on here from time to time, where she would read my earlier posts and always leave reactions on them to show she read them. she left this world in july, her account was @evanescent_eva. she made a lot of posts about hanging, which is why i started talking to her, but i remember her as my first real friend on here.

therefore, there's no reason to do any sort of harm to yourself, be it cutting or worse. i commend you for being able to make it this far without having begun, despite all the pain you've felt. you're stronger than i am.

i'm afraid of getting addicted to cutting like how i got addicted to sex/sexual attention. everyone i know that has cut always talks about it like they desperately want to stop, but since they know how it feels they can't stop doing it. i'd hate to lose even more control of myself. it sucks that you got judged so harshly by men. it feels like they're always the one that wants to control how a person looks or behaves. they said you "disfigured" yourself to hurt you, since they think that responding negatively will make you stop. but you need to be understood. cutting is something people don't grasp until they reach a point where they hate themselves enough to do it.

unfortunately, i've begun doing everything you advised against. i have a very bad habit of intentionally attracting older men online and giving in to their sexual advances; i've been doing this for years. i also have an intense need for external validation and it often comes in the sexual form. i tend to only feel pretty when people are sexually attracted to me.

pleeaasee nooo oouuughhhhhhhhhh!!! (non judgemental) this is very bad and not good.... ouughhh..... i cringe thinking about how often i'd have sex with people for validation and how i'd talk to older men online as a minor (BAD) because i felt so unloved and like my peers hated me. i've been trying to move past that phase in my life but i'm really sorry that you're in that hole and i'd do anything to get you out of it. i still hold the belief somewhat that i can only truly matter to someone if they're sexually attracted to me, but my self esteem just pits more if i make myself think that. meeting up with guys irl and hooking up with them was a really bad cycle for me, but now i seem to feel even lonelier because i can't find guys that are attracted to me anymore. i come off as too clingy or desperate (guh.....)

you and i are very similar. i have this terrible habit of pushing people away the moment they're too nice to me because i don't believe that anyone could ever find me worthy of such treatment. i've ruined several relationships this way. sometimes it makes me physically sick. i think if i had one wish i'd ask to be able to love myself.

okay you are exactly like me so you definitely need to love yourself. you are a wonderful person and are suffering in ways that people don't understand. it's awful to ruin relationships so many times, but i'm glad you were able to get close enough with someone that you were able to find a boyfriend. i really love someone, but they don't want to date me, so i've been stuck on my own for a while. i dropped out of college this sem because i felt so insecure that he was in a university in the city and i was in a community college, and i still haven't gotten my bachelor's yet. my sister felt insecure about attending community college too. it feels like purgatory sometimes, while other people seem to already know their place in life. i feel awful about myself, but i'm literally still 20. sometimes, high school can feel years away from me, because i expected the world to be so different.

please value your friends, value yourself, and value your education. i believe in you and want you to be okay!!

​

 

[Hibiki]

that's really nice. i made my account after lurking a bit and finding some users i liked reading posts from, but most of them went inactive. there was a really nice girl i would talk to on here from time to time, where she would read my earlier posts and always leave reactions on them to show she read them. she left this world in july, her account was @evanescent_eva. she made a lot of posts about hanging, which is why i started talking to her, but i remember her as my first real friend on here.

i forgot about that part of making an account and talking to people on here. maybe it's a good thing that i tend not to create much of a presence on the internet anymore. i think if i got attached to someone only to lose them immediately after i wouldn't know what to do with myself. perhaps that'd be the final push i needed to ctb.

i'm afraid of getting addicted to cutting like how i got addicted to sex/sexual attention. everyone i know that has cut always talks about it like they desperately want to stop, but since they know how it feels they can't stop doing it. i'd hate to lose even more control of myself. it sucks that you got judged so harshly by men. it feels like they're always the one that wants to control how a person looks or behaves. they said you "disfigured" yourself to hurt you, since they think that responding negatively will make you stop. but you need to be understood. cutting is something people don't grasp until they reach a point where they hate themselves enough to do it.

i really shouldn't say things to encourage you, but i don't feel as though i've gotten addicted. cutting is just something i do whenever i feel the need for it, and that ends up not being very often. i feel like i'm always an outlier when it comes to these things. maybe i'm doing something wrong.
it's funny that "normies" always think the approach/solution to stopping someone's self-harm is as easy as saying something insulting. i do that to myself enough already...

pleeaasee nooo oouuughhhhhhhhhh!!! (non judgemental) this is very bad and not good.... ouughhh..... i cringe thinking about how often i'd have sex with people for validation and how i'd talk to older men online as a minor (BAD) because i felt so unloved and like my peers hated me. i've been trying to move past that phase in my life but i'm really sorry that you're in that hole and i'd do anything to get you out of it. i still hold the belief somewhat that i can only truly matter to someone if they're sexually attracted to me, but my self esteem just pits more if i make myself think that. meeting up with guys irl and hooking up with them was a really bad cycle for me, but now i seem to feel even lonelier because i can't find guys that are attracted to me anymore. i come off as too clingy or desperate.

my boyfriend has an extremely low sex drive and he often doesn't express sexual feelings (or feelings in general), so even though i'm with someone, i feel unattractive a lot of the time. it's my own fault that i'm so insecure and rely on external validation. i want to be better for his sake, but it's so hard...
i get exactly how you feel. it's truly horrible to rely on others, men especially, just to be able to feel good about yourself for once...

okay you are exactly like me so you definitely need to love yourself. you are a wonderful person and are suffering in ways that people don't understand. it's awful to ruin relationships so many times, but i'm glad you were able to get close enough with someone that you were able to find a boyfriend. i really love someone, but they don't want to date me, so a part of me feels tortured that i can't be good enough for him. if i could, i'd grab the moon and give it to him so that he'd like me back. he wants to believe that i'm going to be okay but things have been hard for me since he moved away.

i'm so sorry that you have to go through the same pain as me, and i'm so sorry that you find yourself relating to repulsive scum like me. but that's paradoxical, isn't it? in a way, i'm insulting you by saying these things, which i truly don't mean to do, but it makes the need to love myself all the more important... and if you think i need to love myself, then something within you has the desire to love yourself as well.
if it's okay for me to ask, does he not return the romantic feelings, or does he just think he wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with you? i know our mental state can make it so much harder to have a healthy romantic connection, so that's why i ask. i want so badly to better myself for my boyfriend but i always feel like i'm running in circles. i really would do anything for him too. actually, that's why i haven't cut in some time... i sliced my neck before he told me to stop and threatened to leave me, so i haven't cut since.
we're long distance too. it genuinely hurts to be so far away from him, and all because i'm a fucking failure, but this lovesick pup will wait by the door for his return as she always does.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm so sorry that you have to go through the same pain as me, and i'm so sorry that you find yourself relating to repulsive scum like me. but that's paradoxical, isn't it? in a way, i'm insulting you by saying these things, which i truly don't mean to do, but it makes the need to love myself all the more important... and if you think i need to love myself, then something within you has the desire to love yourself as well.

it is paradoxical. since we're both so similar, we're going to insult each other if we say something bad we only mean about ourselves. for some reason, i believe you can get better. i really want you to feel better than the way you do right now, if you feel anything like the way i do. it's so weird to confront how much i hate myself but will automatically feel empathy for someone struggling in a similar situation to me. the reason i talk to people on here is so that i can feel a sense of relief that i'm not the only suicidal person on the planet.

if it's okay for me to ask, does he not return the romantic feelings, or does he just think he wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with you?

he's dating someone else right now. learning that he was pretty much sent me on an immediate death spiral because all i wanted was to be with him. being away from him led to him meeting someone new, i guess. it's hard for me to accept that it was always going to be like this. i've been heavily suicidal for the past 3 months and knowing that he started seeing someone in september makes me think that he wanted to see someone to stop thinking about his suicidal and lonely friend. it's really hard not to dwell on it and hate myself for it. it's hard for me to want to talk to him because he's dating someone + going to university + has a job, so i feel like i should just erase myself from his life completely. but i don't know.

i still love him so i don't know how to talk to him anymore. i feel like i don't have any reason to be in his life if he moved away from me. i love him too much to be away from him. it's so embarrassing to know that i sent him a voice note crying talking about how i deserve to die just a few days ago.

we're long distance too. it genuinely hurts to be so far away from him, and all because i'm a fucking failure, but this lovesick pup will wait by the door for his return as she always does.

being far away from someone is a deep ache. it's really painful. i'd do anything to see him. he knows i'm really suicidal, so that much makes me feel guilty that i can't just be normal and happy without him in my life.

 

[Hibiki]

it is paradoxical. since we're both so similar, we're going to insult each other if we say something bad we only mean about ourselves. for some reason, i believe you can get better. i really want you to feel better than the way you do right now, if you feel anything like the way i do. it's so weird to confront how much i hate myself but will automatically feel empathy for someone struggling in a similar situation to me. the reason i talk to people on here is so that i can feel a sense of relief that i'm not the only suicidal person on the planet.

i suppose that's why so many people advise you to treat yourself like you would a friend. i almost feel as though i can't go back to hating myself, like i always do, anymore.
i don't know if i can get better. i've been suicidal since i was 10 and it feels like i had all this time to get better... if i didn't then, who says i'll be able to do it now? i'm a pathetic mutt who can't do anything right.

he's dating someone else right now. learning that he was pretty much sent me on an immediate death spiral because all i wanted was to be with him. being away from him led to him meeting someone new, i guess. it's hard for me to accept that it was always going to be like this. i've been heavily suicidal for the past 3 months and knowing that he started seeing someone in september makes me think that he wanted to see someone to stop thinking about how suicidal his friend who still lives in his hometown was. it's really hard not to dwell on it and hate myself for it. it's hard for me to want to talk to him because he's dating someone + going to university + has a job, so i feel like i should just erase myself from his life completely. but i don't know.

i still love him so i don't know how to talk to him anymore. i feel like i don't have any reason to be in his life if he moved away from me. i love him too much to be away from him. it's so embarrassing to know that i sent him a voice note crying talking about how i deserve to die just a few days ago.

it's annoying that people feel like they need to take responsibility for people like us, or make it their problem... but then again, we just want to feel cared for...

it would probably be best for you to move on, as much as it hurts to say. the more you talk to him the harder it will be to get over your feelings, that we both know are destroying you... i'm not saying you need to cut off contact with him entirely, but to rely on him this much is only stressing both of you out. although, i do understand what it feels like to not have anyone else to go to. if it helps at all, i'll be here, and so will all the other people you've connected to on sasu.

did you make any good friends during your time in college, that you could reach out to, just to have people to talk with?