imsotired005
Member
- Dec 25, 2024
- 13
hey before i start please let me know if I need to delete this I'm just so unsure of where to go anymore this is me asking for help but also venting i guess. Also Trigger Warning I talk about things like grooming, substance use, emotional abuse, and more.
I know Ive been spending time in the suicide discussion forum, I only just made an account but I've come back to this site for the past 2 years... but while I'm not in a depressive episode I really just want to get this out just to see if I have any sort of hope.
my dad passed away October 2023 and ever since then my ideations sky rocketed and my life has gone downhill. Before I was suicidal but I had a clear path into my future, I still didn't necessarily love life but I could let my episodes pass and I had a lot more support than I can say I do now.
After he passed I had to move my entire life to another state to help my mom and brother but and I know its selfish I really hadnt wanted to, I already struggle so badly with caring for myself and getting myself into my workplace and now I'm highly expected to do it for my family because blood is blood and stuff...My aunt has called me manipulating for this but I dont know it was all swung onto my back like crazy.
Anywho in the midst of all of this I was in a relationship that was falling apart and equally toxic on both sides, they werent supposed to move with me but they did. I voluntarily hospitalized myself shortly after moving because I just couldn't take the changing anymore and I knew I didnt want to die, it was a bad experience on the actual medical side but I had made a friend I thought would be my friend for a long time.
I helped her out of a toxic relationship and to try to get her back on her feet...But of course in the tried and true fashion of my life I finally become employed again, I quit my job of a year because the new location I was sent to just was so unhealthy, racism, gossip, all of the above you'd find it not to mention word that I had been pregnant and gotten it aborted got out.
At this new job (just a fast food place) I met a man that is 10 years older than me. At this point me and my ex had been essentially over. My friend from the hospital warned me I was being groomed due to my age (Im not a minor but Im still a younger adult) but I was so infatuated with him, against my better judgment I saw an opportunity to get his phone number after my friends plug ended up being a scammer essentially.
I texted him after drinking and from there we kept talking, and eventually I asked if he wanted to go on a date. It was fun and for the first time in a while I felt like my romantic life was moving somewhere but even though I was warned about lovebombing I kept pursuing. This man would tell me he wanted to get me pregnant literally from the beginning. My biggest regret is going to a hotel with him on our second date. He had me drinking every day with him for almost a month or more and to this day I think theres something wrong physically now from it my body started rejecting alcohol I get so insanely sick from one shot and throw up severely. He also got me using marijuana everyday just to stop my anxiety but I cant tell if I'm truly addicted or anything.
After a while he started becoming jealous, possessive, manipulative. He goes through my phone, he accuses me of cheating when he knows I cant even get myself out of bed right now. The other day after a week of thinking "maybe its getting better" we are waiting to pick up food and he looks at me when I start eating and asks why Im such a slut. He has this belief that I'm super into one specific race of men and I'm not gonna go into detail because its just so strange?
Anyways...So on top of all of this Ive really not been able to work like I used to I quit the job we worked at together because he accused me of sleeping with the other opener when I hadn't and started another job but the issue is I dont get almost any hours from it/I call out from being so overwhelmed by this relationship and my life. If I kick him out, even if its not much, I lose my only "support" and also will be pretty much fighting to not get evicted or go into further credit card debt. We also traveled and I got a citation for reckless driving and I dont think I can afford a lawyer and I'm freaking out.
I only see one solution but I'm coming here because I want to try to find a way to recover my life and find it even just slightly worth it again... once again if this type of post isnt okay I will take it down I just want to hear its not futile and that theres hope...
I didnt really go back and read what I wrote so if theres grammar issues or if anything doesnt make sense let me know.
I know Ive been spending time in the suicide discussion forum, I only just made an account but I've come back to this site for the past 2 years... but while I'm not in a depressive episode I really just want to get this out just to see if I have any sort of hope.
my dad passed away October 2023 and ever since then my ideations sky rocketed and my life has gone downhill. Before I was suicidal but I had a clear path into my future, I still didn't necessarily love life but I could let my episodes pass and I had a lot more support than I can say I do now.
After he passed I had to move my entire life to another state to help my mom and brother but and I know its selfish I really hadnt wanted to, I already struggle so badly with caring for myself and getting myself into my workplace and now I'm highly expected to do it for my family because blood is blood and stuff...My aunt has called me manipulating for this but I dont know it was all swung onto my back like crazy.
Anywho in the midst of all of this I was in a relationship that was falling apart and equally toxic on both sides, they werent supposed to move with me but they did. I voluntarily hospitalized myself shortly after moving because I just couldn't take the changing anymore and I knew I didnt want to die, it was a bad experience on the actual medical side but I had made a friend I thought would be my friend for a long time.
I helped her out of a toxic relationship and to try to get her back on her feet...But of course in the tried and true fashion of my life I finally become employed again, I quit my job of a year because the new location I was sent to just was so unhealthy, racism, gossip, all of the above you'd find it not to mention word that I had been pregnant and gotten it aborted got out.
At this new job (just a fast food place) I met a man that is 10 years older than me. At this point me and my ex had been essentially over. My friend from the hospital warned me I was being groomed due to my age (Im not a minor but Im still a younger adult) but I was so infatuated with him, against my better judgment I saw an opportunity to get his phone number after my friends plug ended up being a scammer essentially.
I texted him after drinking and from there we kept talking, and eventually I asked if he wanted to go on a date. It was fun and for the first time in a while I felt like my romantic life was moving somewhere but even though I was warned about lovebombing I kept pursuing. This man would tell me he wanted to get me pregnant literally from the beginning. My biggest regret is going to a hotel with him on our second date. He had me drinking every day with him for almost a month or more and to this day I think theres something wrong physically now from it my body started rejecting alcohol I get so insanely sick from one shot and throw up severely. He also got me using marijuana everyday just to stop my anxiety but I cant tell if I'm truly addicted or anything.
After a while he started becoming jealous, possessive, manipulative. He goes through my phone, he accuses me of cheating when he knows I cant even get myself out of bed right now. The other day after a week of thinking "maybe its getting better" we are waiting to pick up food and he looks at me when I start eating and asks why Im such a slut. He has this belief that I'm super into one specific race of men and I'm not gonna go into detail because its just so strange?
Anyways...So on top of all of this Ive really not been able to work like I used to I quit the job we worked at together because he accused me of sleeping with the other opener when I hadn't and started another job but the issue is I dont get almost any hours from it/I call out from being so overwhelmed by this relationship and my life. If I kick him out, even if its not much, I lose my only "support" and also will be pretty much fighting to not get evicted or go into further credit card debt. We also traveled and I got a citation for reckless driving and I dont think I can afford a lawyer and I'm freaking out.
I only see one solution but I'm coming here because I want to try to find a way to recover my life and find it even just slightly worth it again... once again if this type of post isnt okay I will take it down I just want to hear its not futile and that theres hope...
I didnt really go back and read what I wrote so if theres grammar issues or if anything doesnt make sense let me know.
