I was arrested. Am I a bad person?

[blueming]

I've been suicidal for around 10 years now, give or take. Severe depression, anxiety, eating disorder, the works. I've long ago made peace with dying but the only reason I haven't gone through with any solid ctb plans for the past few years is because I wanted to spend more time with my family and earn some money for them before I die. From 2020 to end of 2022 I didn't leave the house once due to severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. I've also been on the receiving end of what I believe is physical and emotional abuse from my parents, some of which I've detailed in this thread: My dad just beat me up again because I was upset that he's neglecting my cat, but until recently I had chosen to forgive them and move on for my own sanity's sake.

This particular incident happened last June after I got into a fight with my mum over her religion. She had recently become a devout Buddhist and would constantly listen to speeches from her "master" on full blast and brag about it to me. One night I asked her to explain what the speeches were about. I admit I held some animosity towards Buddhism because she told me multiple times that I'm doomed to keep reliving this life in an endless cycle unless I believe in Buddha and pray to Buddha so that he can come save me. As a suicidal person who overthinks everything this did not help me one bit, however this time I was genuinely interested in what she was listening to. But she suddenly got very defensive and said it was impossible to explain and told me to listen to them myself. I was confused and asked her what was so hard about it, she listens to them on repeat all the time so couldn't she explain some of the teachings to me? That set her off and she started screaming at me about how I wasn't being sincere. Fast forward to two weeks later, I come back home one afternoon to find that she removed everything from my bedroom to turn it into a prayer room. I got upset and demanded that she return my things, and I grabbed and threw an empty baby lotion bottle out of the room in an attempt to get her to leave.

My mum has done this thing for years where if I felt upset about anything or overwhelmed by my depression, she would make a big dramatic show of taking out her phone right in front of my face and dialing either the psych ward or the police, while verbally threatening to lock me up until I practically begged her on my knees to stop. This time though, she actually made the call to the police. I got scared as I obviously didn't want to be locked up so I tried to take the phone from her, but she wrenched it away from me and the call went through. She proceeded to tell the person on the other side that I was mentally ill and having an "episode" and that she didn't feel safe, and then agreed to something the other person said, which I presume was to send officers over to the house because half an hour later two police officers arrived at the doorstep. By this time I naively thought her whole show was over and I was sitting down in the kitchen, just about to eat dinner.

The police officers went upstairs with my mum and talked, and after a while they each came down to talk to me individually. I don't know exactly what she told them, but from the get-go the way they spoke to me showed they were on her side, starting by telling me that things didn't look good for me, that I don't live in a good area. Telling me that I disrespected my mum's religion by objecting to the prayer room, that I had assaulted her (when I tried to stop her from calling them) and that I had destroyed her property (the baby lotion bottle). I tried to tell them that I didn't assault her but I did throw the bottle, only so that she might leave my room because I came back home today to see that she had thrown all my things out. They replied that this was her property and that she could do whatever she liked with the room and my things. They also said that my mum was scared of me, that she said I've been bullying her for years and that in cases of domestic violence they usually separate the people involved so I would need to find another place to stay temporarily. I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and my vision got blurry and I couldn't speak. I was shaking all over. I was being accused of domestic violence by the woman who would beat me for things like accidentally spilling water? Not to mention my eating disorder started 10 years ago because she and my dad told me I was too fat and she gave me a calorie counting book. I digress.

Now, as someone who couldn't leave the house for two years and didn't speak to anyone apart from my family during that time, it's fair to say my social skills were down the toilet. I was so, so stressed, put into this absurd situation by someone I trusted, and treated like a criminal immediately. When they asked me questions I froze and couldn't speak or look them in the eye and they would stare at me like I was stupid, until I managed to stutter out an answer. I guess they thought I had an attitude and weren't impressed. They gave me a time limit to tell them if I could find another place to stay, if not they would arrest me. At this point I almost had an out-of-body experience, I was not "there" at all and couldn't comprehend what was happening. All I could think about was if I could somehow get to my N, which my mum had taken from me, and drink it before anything else happened. I went on autopilot and with shaking hands opened my laptop to search for cheap Airbnbs. I guess I forgot about the "telling them" part though, because a few minutes later they came to me again. One of them said "Alright, time's up", took out a pair of handcuffs, and proceeded with the rights speech. I was still on autopilot and just... numb. He handcuffed me really tightly (I still have scars on my wrists from it) and put me in the back of the police car. On the way to the station he lectured me nonstop about the area I lived in and how my situation wasn't looking good, like I didn't already know that. At the station, we were joined by a bunch of other officers and I remember one of them asking me "Do you know where you are?" really slowly as if I didn't know how to speak English. (I was born and raised in the UK but I'm ethnically Asian.) I thought he meant like did I know the address? So I shook my head no, and again he and the other officers looked at me like I was dumb and told me "You're at the police station".

I was booked for assault and destruction of property. At the counter, the officer once again repeated that my mum claimed I had "bullied her for years". I truly don't know what to make of this. I know I'm not a fun person to be around and there were times when my depression got so bad I couldn't do anything but cry my eyes out. I tried to ctb (impulsively, without planning) multiple times and each time my mum would either get angry at me and threaten to lock me up, or threaten to lock me up and give me the silent treatment. I would ask her for help constantly since she was the only person I could go to, and when she got sick of my pleas she would either scream and say "I can't help you" or, you guessed it, threaten to lock me up. I understand it must not have been easy to have someone rely on you like that, but I was just asking for help because I was suffering so much. Was that bullying? I would've tried harder to die sooner if I knew how much she and my dad despised me but every time I attempted they would always find a way to stop me so I don't know what the hell they want me to do.

The officer behind the counter noted that I had a history of depression. She asked me whether I currently had thoughts of harming myself, of course I said no although I doubt they would've cared either way. She asked me whether I've harmed myself before so I said I've attempted suicide. She then made me list out loud every single suicide attempt and which methods I used. Afterwards, I was taken to a cell. They left me in there for a while before taking me out again to get my fingerprints on file and mugshots taken, and then I was returned to the cell. It was night by now, and all I could do was lie down on the blue mat with my head turned away from the camera and cry myself to sleep.

Spoiler: Aftermath

I woke up early the next day and paced around the cell for hours in a daze, obsessing over how to kill myself when I got out. I think it was midday when they finally let me out, saying my mum didn't want to press charges, that I could return home if I have nowhere else to stay but she was still scared of me so she wouldn't be there. (She went back just a few hours later.) I went home and immediately tried to find the N that my mum took from me. No luck, so I ate my dinner from the night before and then bought a train ticket to Eastbourne with the intention of jumping off Beachy Head.

That was definitely an impulsive decision and not well thought out. The train was late in the evening and it would be almost night by the time I arrived at Eastbourne. It was impossible to get an Uber, so I decided to walk from the station all the way to the cliffs. Bad idea. I barely made it halfway before I almost collapsed with exhaustion and it took everything in my power not to burst out crying in the middle of the street. I had to accept that today was not the day. It was past midnight when I got back, my mum was already there and I passed out on the sofa downstairs. 3am, I'm woken up by banging on the door. My mum goes to open the door and lets in yet another police officer, and they have another chat in the kitchen. The officer then comes into the living room where I'm sleeping and starts telling me off for "looking for poison" - apparently my mum came home and found that I'd been searching for the N and that I was missing, and called the police again. I truly don't understand, if I'm a monster that needs to be locked up, why bother? Is it just to cause me more stress and pain, or is it that she doesn't want to be held liable in case I do succeed in an attempt?

This was without a doubt one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I find it so ironic that after constantly being beat up throughout my childhood up until now, I was the one put in a cell by the same person who abused me? Even typing it out now doesn't make any sense. But after confiding in my dad and my aunt about this, the only family I had left, and they made no effort to stand up for me and even blamed me for it, I can't help but wonder if I'm truly the person in the wrong here. I just don't understand. This post took me days to write because I had to keep stopping and composing myself. Remembering all these details is too painful. I just need to hear from someone removed from the situation if I really am the evil person my family has always told me I am? Because I honestly don't know anymore.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, you aren't in the wrong and I honestly wish I could say that repeatedly. This world is so shitty and unfair and, sometimes, it's the innocent people who get arrested whereas the truly guilty people get away. This world is awful and will always be awful. It makes me feel nauseous to my stomach thinking about how unfair life is to us

 

[Helvete]

Holy shit, your family must have degrees in gaslighting. In ABSOLUTELY no shape or form are you in the wrong here. You are being abused/neglected/mistreated and this is likely what has made your situation so bad. I would expect that from the police, and they do have a tendency to side with the person that called them unfortunately but your mom is the abuser and your family is a bunch of enablers to her behavior. This breaks my heart to read, you deserve the world and have been given the short stick in life when it comes to families it seems like. I dont want to cause any drama, and obv police systems work differently in our countries but is there any form of social/child protective services that could assist you in the UK?I would think at least some organization out there could help you get the means to leave or at least improve your situation

 

[Jiyuurakka]

This post took me days to write because I had to keep stopping and composing myself. Remembering all these details is too painful. I just need to hear from someone removed from the situation if I really am the evil person my family has always told me I am? Because I honestly don't know anymore.

You're a good person, I'm so sorry you had to go through such an intense and confusing ordeal. Staying two years with only your abusive parents for company, that must have been hell. Above all things, prioritise your safety and sense of self. It is painfully hard to stay sane and think that you're a good person, I know. Confusion and doubt can really send a person down a horrible spiral. Express yourself and seek affirmation in other people when you can't convince yourself. I sincerely hope that your situation evolves for the better.

 

[bed]

I'm very sorry youve had to experience abuse and go through gas lighting. You are definitely not a bad person. You've been treated like shit by your mom, family and police.
Like @Helvete has said, is there anywhere else you can possibly stay? Your current living environment is making your life so much harder.
Going to say it again, you are NOT a bad person

 

[EyesOfNight]

This pisses me of (slightly because I don't feel as much nowadays).
First of all, that's not how Buddhism works(from my limited understanding).

As a former devil of the household I can tell you that you are not in the wrong here. Your mother is most likely a narcissist. Gaslighting and isolation of the victim is narcissism 101. What she is doing to you is absolutely disgusting and what the police did is no better.

It's truly terrible and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It's a filthy game she's playing and the only way to win is to leave.

 

[Argo]

I admit I held some animosity towards Buddhism because she told me multiple times that I'm doomed to keep reliving this life in an endless cycle unless I believe in Buddha and pray to Buddha so that he can come save me. As a suicidal person who overthinks everything this did not help me one bit, however this time I was genuinely interested in what she was listening to. But she suddenly got very defensive and said it was impossible to explain and told me to listen to them myself. I was confused and asked her what was so hard about it, she listens to them on repeat all the time so couldn't she explain some of the teachings to me? That set her off and she started screaming at me about how I wasn't being sincere.

Sounds about as unenlightened as someone can get. The real answer she should have given to you was to compassionately listen to you. To tell you that she's here to support and understand you. To be open and patient to your questions. To let go of her own ego and fanaticism and pointless rituals that don't actually do anything about the "endless cycle" she believes in(if anything, they perpetuate it). Just how different would that be? "I'm listening to you fully, I want you to know that I'm here for you." <-- see how alien this sounds?

If you're even asking if you're evil, you probably aren't evil. Evil people don't care if they're evil. You probably have antisocial traits like pretty much any human being does, but they should be easy to understand because it can't be more obvious that you've suffered a life of lots of abuse. Only someone who didn't understand the relationship between a really bad hand in life, and difficult traits, would be confused about forgiving you. It's probably a miracle that you aren't a total sociopath, can form coherent sentences, and are still asking things like, "Perhaps I'm the problem?" It's unfortunate that you've been gaslit all of your life and there's no one around to actually give you any support, but just remember that reality and right/wrong aren't a democratic matter-- as far as what's true or good goes, it doesn't matter what other people have or haven't suggested to you. Things have to make sense, that's the only thing that matters when it comes to what's true, not even what 8 billion people believe.

Your mother is nothing close to the wise person she seems to aspire to be, but you can still learn from her to know how not to be. You can see how completely self-absorbed she is, how deeply disconnected she is from how she causes suffering around her(even when it's obvious like how she threatens you with her phone). That is still something positive and workable. Yes, it would be better if you had a parent you didn't have to reverse engineer how to be from but... I just don't have a good answer there, I relate to you that I didn't get that either and many others would relate too.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I'm sorry, OP.

How you've described your situation, I can almost feel your absolute confusion through the screen. And no wonder, given what you've been through.

When someone repeatedly gaslights you, treats you like this and somehow has everyone else believing them, your brain constantly ends up in an emotional spin cycle. You can't think. You think it's you. You believe you're the abusive one even whilst struggling to figure out what exactly you did that was so bad, but hey, everyone believes it so it must be true. Nothing makes sense, black becomes white and your brain becomes mush.

There's such a thing as reactive abuse. It's when you you snap after prolonged, sustained abuse and you retaliate, even briefly, because you've just had enough. Though I don't think you did snap, nor that you did anything remotely on the level of what your mother does to you, throwing a bottle if out of character is just a human who's being pushed reacting to the pushing.

You say you've had a lot of struggles over latter years. Do you think that those struggles are in large part because of what you've experienced at the hands of your mother? It's not uncommon for somebody like this to absolutely tear a person down until they're a shadow of their former self: and then blame that person for being useless/not good enough / inferior etc. Whatever will hurt most. And it's likely this started in childhood so you are so used to it you are desensitised to a lot of the trauma and can't pinpoint the start of how it escalated over time - because it does tend to escalate.

Take the money you've saved to leave for your parents and use it to secure a safe place for yourself. They DO NOT deserve it. You can live alone still work remotely and have most things you'd need delivered if you can't go out. Most things can be managed online. You may find your mental health and anxiety drastically improves once you break free from abuse cycles.

This is my advice and absolutely you have choice but given the abuse has escalated to the point your mother actually got you arrested then it's likely to continue to get worse if you stay under the same roof. She will continue to lie about you and play the victim herself, it gets her attention. She may even truly think you are abusive towards her purely because you inconvenience her in some way, and in her mind that means you're bad. If she's the covert type then they do like to play the victim and they cannot ever see their own hypocrisy.

You're not the abuser if you're spending so much time worrying about how you may have been perceived as abusive just for being depressed. IT IS NOT YOU.

All her.

Sending you love.

 

[NSA]

You are the only one who ISN'T a rotten piece of shit in this story. Wish I had something more useful to say, but God.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I'm sorry I'm going to write even more here but your post really got to me.

Also remember that the police are not trained very well to spot signs of this type of abuse (some of them are but it's hit and miss). They get a call from an older woman about her violent, mentally ill child making her afraid in her own home and they will default to believing your mother. However, someone trained in how an actual victim of abuse may respond would be able to tell a mile off that there is far more to the story. How you described being completely incapable of responding to their questions is your fight or flight instincts kicking in. Not being ignorant to a police officer. They SHOULD be able to tell the difference but most of them cannot. They're more likely to consider it if it's a man calling about his girlfriend, they'll default to their own internalised stereotypes of what they think abuse scenarios look like.

Stay as safe as you can, what's been done to you is beyond words wrong.

 

[blueming]

I'm in tears, thank you to everyone who took the time to read this post, and for each and every reply

is there any form of social/child protective services that could assist you in the UK?I would think at least some organization out there could help you get the means to leave or at least improve your situation

I'm afraid I have no idea, and I'm honestly scared to contact any kind of social services now. Also, I just don't have the physical and emotional energy to go through another ordeal like that. Trying to take care of my family was the only reason I've stayed alive for so long, now that that's come back to bite me, I want to ctb as soon as possible.

I'm very sorry youve had to experience abuse and go through gas lighting. You are definitely not a bad person. You've been treated like shit by your mom, family and police.
Like @Helvete has said, is there anywhere else you can possibly stay? Your current living environment is making your life so much harder.
Going to say it again, you are NOT a bad person

I'm currently staying with my dad which is another nightmare in itself. I'm stuck here for the time being as I have to take care of my cat.

Spoiler

I'm sorry, OP.

How you've described your situation, I can almost feel your absolute confusion through the screen. And no wonder, given what you've been through.

When someone repeatedly gaslights you, treats you like this and somehow has everyone else believing them, your brain constantly ends up in an emotional spin cycle. You can't think. You think it's you. You believe you're the abusive one even whilst struggling to figure out what exactly you did that was so bad, but hey, everyone believes it so it must be true. Nothing makes sense, black becomes white and your brain becomes mush.

There's such a thing as reactive abuse. It's when you you snap after prolonged, sustained abuse and you retaliate, even briefly, because you've just had enough. Though I don't think you did snap, nor that you did anything remotely on the level of what your mother does to you, throwing a bottle if out of character is just a human who's being pushed reacting to the pushing.

You say you've had a lot of struggles over latter years. Do you think that those struggles are in large part because of what you've experienced at the hands of your mother? It's not uncommon for somebody like this to absolutely tear a person down until they're a shadow of their former self: and then blame that person for being useless/not good enough / inferior etc. Whatever will hurt most. And it's likely this started in childhood so you are so used to it you are desensitised to a lot of the trauma and can't pinpoint the start of how it escalated over time - because it does tend to escalate.

Take the money you've saved to leave for your parents and use it to secure a safe place for yourself. They DO NOT deserve it. You can live alone still work remotely and have most things you'd need delivered if you can't go out. Most things can be managed online. You may find your mental health and anxiety drastically improves once you break free from abuse cycles.

This is my advice and absolutely you have choice but given the abuse has escalated to the point your mother actually got you arrested then it's likely to continue to get worse if you stay under the same roof. She will continue to lie about you and play the victim herself, it gets her attention. She may even truly think you are abusive towards her purely because you inconvenience her in some way, and in her mind that means you're bad. If she's the covert type then they do like to play the victim and they cannot ever see their own hypocrisy.

You're not the abuser if you're spending so much time worrying about how you may have been perceived as abusive just for being depressed. IT IS NOT YOU.

All her.

Sending you love.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Especially the part about reactive abuse, I've been feeling like shit over that & the trying to prevent my mum from calling the police part, because all of a sudden I've been labelled as violent and destructive when that's the last thing I want to be, I never wanted to hurt anyone.

 

[unabletocope]

You're not in the wrong. I've been arrested, I've been physically abusive to my parents as well on the back of my mental health, I'm not proud of it and I can't imagine having to go through parents like you have. I hope you are okay, seems like you've been brought to your knees a bit and I know how that feels

I'm sorry I'm going to write even more here but your post really got to me.

Also remember that the police are not trained very well to spot signs of this type of abuse (some of them are but it's hit and miss). They get a call from an older woman about her violent, mentally ill child making her afraid in her own home and they will default to believing your mother. However, someone trained in how an actual victim of abuse may respond would be able to tell a mile off that there is far more to the story. How you described being completely incapable of responding to their questions is your fight or flight instincts kicking in. Not being ignorant to a police officer. They SHOULD be able to tell the difference but most of them cannot. They're more likely to consider it if it's a man calling about his girlfriend, they'll default to their own internalised stereotypes of what they think abuse scenarios look like.

Stay as safe as you can, what's been done to you is beyond words wrong.

Which is a reflection of how bad mental health services are in the UK, they get the police out and not trained professionals ffs

By the way OP, if you have to - get homeless accommodation, as long as you don't pack too much and organise carefully you would probably be better off

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

You are not at all a bad person, your mother is.

 

[LunarLight]

Your mother is an abuser. Period. You're not in the wrong. We believe you.

 

[Unicr0n]

She had recently become a devout Buddhist and would constantly listen to speeches from her "master" on full blast and brag about it to me. One night I asked her to explain what the speeches were about. I admit I held some animosity towards Buddhism because she told me multiple times that I'm doomed to keep reliving this life in an endless cycle unless I believe in Buddha and pray to Buddha so that he can come save me.

Mahayana Buddhist here. This is not how Buddha works. Buddha is not a god. We don't pray to him LMFAO. You do not relive the same life when you're rebirthed. You get put into completely different situations all around the world. With [Mahayana] Buddhism, karma doesn't necessarily influence your rebirth as much as your understanding and position in life with yourself. Karma is a lot heavier influence in Hinduism and Jainism.

Buddhism is supposed to help people get control over themselves. To become friends with yourself. To understand yourself. To help guide yourself to be more at peace with yourself. To reach nirvana. To achieve moksha/parinirvana so you never have to be rebirthed again. It's disgusting that this cretin has weaponised my own practices against others. That's not what Buddhism is for. Absolutely disgusting.

 

[blueming]

Mahayana Buddhist here. This is not how Buddha works. Buddha is not a god. We don't pray to him LMFAO. You do not relive the same life when you're rebirthed. You get put into completely different situations all around the world. With [Mahayana] Buddhism, karma doesn't necessarily influence your rebirth as much as your understanding and position in life with yourself. Karma is a lot heavier influence in Hinduism and Jainism.

Buddhism is supposed to help people get control over themselves. To become friends with yourself. To understand yourself. To help guide yourself to be more at peace with yourself. To reach nirvana. To achieve moksha/parinirvana so you never have to be rebirthed again. It's disgusting that this cretin has weaponised my own practices against others. That's not what Buddhism is for. Absolutely disgusting.

Thank you so much for explaining this to me <3 I may have misremembered whether she told me I would relive the same life or as you said, get rebirthed into different lives, but the point she made was that I would be forced to continuously suffer on this earth endlessly unless I prayed to Buddha and asked him to come save me. There was a chant she would recite over and over, "Namo Amituofo", as a prayer.

 

[juna]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. The people who you trusted betrayed you. You are not a bad person. I hope you find a place of your own and stop contact with people who hurt you, which seems easy to say but very difficult to do.
I am so sorry that the police officers were not nice and considerate towards you. I can't even imagine the trauma you felt, I hope you feel better.
The world is a harsh place.

 

[MeltingBrain]

I've been suicidal for around 10 years now, give or take. Severe depression, anxiety, eating disorder, the works. I've long ago made peace with dying but the only reason I haven't gone through with any solid ctb plans for the past few years is because I wanted to spend more time with my family and earn some money for them before I die. From 2020 to end of 2022 I didn't leave the house once due to severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. I've also been on the receiving end of what I believe is physical and emotional abuse from my parents, some of which I've detailed in this thread: My dad just beat me up again because I was upset that he's neglecting my cat, but until recently I had chosen to forgive them and move on for my own sanity's sake.

This particular incident happened last June after I got into a fight with my mum over her religion. She had recently become a devout Buddhist and would constantly listen to speeches from her "master" on full blast and brag about it to me. One night I asked her to explain what the speeches were about. I admit I held some animosity towards Buddhism because she told me multiple times that I'm doomed to keep reliving this life in an endless cycle unless I believe in Buddha and pray to Buddha so that he can come save me. As a suicidal person who overthinks everything this did not help me one bit, however this time I was genuinely interested in what she was listening to. But she suddenly got very defensive and said it was impossible to explain and told me to listen to them myself. I was confused and asked her what was so hard about it, she listens to them on repeat all the time so couldn't she explain some of the teachings to me? That set her off and she started screaming at me about how I wasn't being sincere. Fast forward to two weeks later, I come back home one afternoon to find that she removed everything from my bedroom to turn it into a prayer room. I got upset and demanded that she return my things, and I grabbed and threw an empty baby lotion bottle out of the room in an attempt to get her to leave.

My mum has done this thing for years where if I felt upset about anything or overwhelmed by my depression, she would make a big dramatic show of taking out her phone right in front of my face and dialing either the psych ward or the police, while verbally threatening to lock me up until I practically begged her on my knees to stop. This time though, she actually made the call to the police. I got scared as I obviously didn't want to be locked up so I tried to take the phone from her, but she wrenched it away from me and the call went through. She proceeded to tell the person on the other side that I was mentally ill and having an "episode" and that she didn't feel safe, and then agreed to something the other person said, which I presume was to send officers over to the house because half an hour later two police officers arrived at the doorstep. By this time I naively thought her whole show was over and I was sitting down in the kitchen, just about to eat dinner.

The police officers went upstairs with my mum and talked, and after a while they each came down to talk to me individually. I don't know exactly what she told them, but from the get-go the way they spoke to me showed they were on her side, starting by telling me that things didn't look good for me, that I don't live in a good area. Telling me that I disrespected my mum's religion by objecting to the prayer room, that I had assaulted her (when I tried to stop her from calling them) and that I had destroyed her property (the baby lotion bottle). I tried to tell them that I didn't assault her but I did throw the bottle, only so that she might leave my room because I came back home today to see that she had thrown all my things out. They replied that this was her property and that she could do whatever she liked with the room and my things. They also said that my mum was scared of me, that she said I've been bullying her for years and that in cases of domestic violence they usually separate the people involved so I would need to find another place to stay temporarily. I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and my vision got blurry and I couldn't speak. I was shaking all over. I was being accused of domestic violence by the woman who would beat me for things like accidentally spilling water? Not to mention my eating disorder started 10 years ago because she and my dad told me I was too fat and she gave me a calorie counting book. I digress.

Now, as someone who couldn't leave the house for two years and didn't speak to anyone apart from my family during that time, it's fair to say my social skills were down the toilet. I was so, so stressed, put into this absurd situation by someone I trusted, and treated like a criminal immediately. When they asked me questions I froze and couldn't speak or look them in the eye and they would stare at me like I was stupid, until I managed to stutter out an answer. I guess they thought I had an attitude and weren't impressed. They gave me a time limit to tell them if I could find another place to stay, if not they would arrest me. At this point I almost had an out-of-body experience, I was not "there" at all and couldn't comprehend what was happening. All I could think about was if I could somehow get to my N, which my mum had taken from me, and drink it before anything else happened. I went on autopilot and with shaking hands opened my laptop to search for cheap Airbnbs. I guess I forgot about the "telling them" part though, because a few minutes later they came to me again. One of them said "Alright, time's up", took out a pair of handcuffs, and proceeded with the rights speech. I was still on autopilot and just... numb. He handcuffed me really tightly (I still have scars on my wrists from it) and put me in the back of the police car. On the way to the station he lectured me nonstop about the area I lived in and how my situation wasn't looking good, like I didn't already know that. At the station, we were joined by a bunch of other officers and I remember one of them asking me "Do you know where you are?" really slowly as if I didn't know how to speak English. (I was born and raised in the UK but I'm ethnically Asian.) I thought he meant like did I know the address? So I shook my head no, and again he and the other officers looked at me like I was dumb and told me "You're at the police station".

I was booked for assault and destruction of property. At the counter, the officer once again repeated that my mum claimed I had "bullied her for years". I truly don't know what to make of this. I know I'm not a fun person to be around and there were times when my depression got so bad I couldn't do anything but cry my eyes out. I tried to ctb (impulsively, without planning) multiple times and each time my mum would either get angry at me and threaten to lock me up, or threaten to lock me up and give me the silent treatment. I would ask her for help constantly since she was the only person I could go to, and when she got sick of my pleas she would either scream and say "I can't help you" or, you guessed it, threaten to lock me up. I understand it must not have been easy to have someone rely on you like that, but I was just asking for help because I was suffering so much. Was that bullying? I would've tried harder to die sooner if I knew how much she and my dad despised me but every time I attempted they would always find a way to stop me so I don't know what the hell they want me to do.

The officer behind the counter noted that I had a history of depression. She asked me whether I currently had thoughts of harming myself, of course I said no although I doubt they would've cared either way. She asked me whether I've harmed myself before so I said I've attempted suicide. She then made me list out loud every single suicide attempt and which methods I used. Afterwards, I was taken to a cell. They left me in there for a while before taking me out again to get my fingerprints on file and mugshots taken, and then I was returned to the cell. It was night by now, and all I could do was lie down on the blue mat with my head turned away from the camera and cry myself to sleep.

Spoiler: Aftermath

I woke up early the next day and paced around the cell for hours in a daze, obsessing over how to kill myself when I got out. I think it was midday when they finally let me out, saying my mum didn't want to press charges, that I could return home if I have nowhere else to stay but she was still scared of me so she wouldn't be there. (She went back just a few hours later.) I went home and immediately tried to find the N that my mum took from me. No luck, so I ate my dinner from the night before and then bought a train ticket to Eastbourne with the intention of jumping off Beachy Head.

That was definitely an impulsive decision and not well thought out. The train was late in the evening and it would be almost night by the time I arrived at Eastbourne. It was impossible to get an Uber, so I decided to walk from the station all the way to the cliffs. Bad idea. I barely made it halfway before I almost collapsed with exhaustion and it took everything in my power not to burst out crying in the middle of the street. I had to accept that today was not the day. It was past midnight when I got back, my mum was already there and I passed out on the sofa downstairs. 3am, I'm woken up by banging on the door. My mum goes to open the door and lets in yet another police officer, and they have another chat in the kitchen. The officer then comes into the living room where I'm sleeping and starts telling me off for "looking for poison" - apparently my mum came home and found that I'd been searching for the N and that I was missing, and called the police again. I truly don't understand, if I'm a monster that needs to be locked up, why bother? Is it just to cause me more stress and pain, or is it that she doesn't want to be held liable in case I do succeed in an attempt?

This was without a doubt one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I find it so ironic that after constantly being beat up throughout my childhood up until now, I was the one put in a cell by the same person who abused me? Even typing it out now doesn't make any sense. But after confiding in my dad and my aunt about this, the only family I had left, and they made no effort to stand up for me and even blamed me for it, I can't help but wonder if I'm truly the person in the wrong here. I just don't understand. This post took me days to write because I had to keep stopping and composing myself. Remembering all these details is too painful. I just need to hear from someone removed from the situation if I really am the evil person my family has always told me I am? Because I honestly don't know anymore.

Jesus . That's a lifetime's worth of trauma .

You should do some research on ASPD and cross-check if your mom has it (Don't tell her you are researching this ) .
It's unclear if she has it because a lot of Asian parents beat their kids as a cultural norm .

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Hey...you're not a bad person.

I'll send you a DM, it's not a lot but I may know a way to get away from there.

Love to you

 

[sserafim]

Mahayana Buddhist here. This is not how Buddha works. Buddha is not a god. We don't pray to him LMFAO. You do not relive the same life when you're rebirthed. You get put into completely different situations all around the world. With [Mahayana] Buddhism, karma doesn't necessarily influence your rebirth as much as your understanding and position in life with yourself. Karma is a lot heavier influence in Hinduism and Jainism.

Buddhism is supposed to help people get control over themselves. To become friends with yourself. To understand yourself. To help guide yourself to be more at peace with yourself. To reach nirvana. To achieve moksha/parinirvana so you never have to be rebirthed again. It's disgusting that this cretin has weaponised my own practices against others. That's not what Buddhism is for. Absolutely disgusting.

I'm interested in learning more about this. Could I ask you about it in DMs or something? I don't want to derail the thread

 

[mtoro998]

No your not a bad person for that. If you got arrested for being a pedo then yes but thats not the case.

 

[BojackHorseman]

The gas lighting here is abolutely off the charts. I also think the police failed as well. I dont think your in America, but here I think police are required to have training in recognizing mental illness and how to respond in a safe yet compassionate way. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Your not the evil person here. I do somewhat agree with what you said that maybe your mom is just trying to protect herself legally if you ever sucessfully ctb. But my god what a shitty way to treat your child, I'm just appalled. Your not an evil person, just a hurting person, and thats not a crime or your fault. I hope your situation improves and that you can get away from your parents.

 

[everyone_adores_you]

I don't how you managed to have the strength to write down all this story, you're honestly really brave.
Hang on and keep telling yourself the truth : it's not your fault and you didn't deserve this.
I hope you'll find somewhere to live decently, away from your awful parents.

Love and support from France

 

[LevUwU]

honestly? Through all of that if you killed someone I'd cheer you on + ACAB and what not so you're far from a bad person. Sending you love <3

 

[Dark Window]

You don't sound like one. Just imperfect like all of us.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

My mother called 9-11 on me too to be vindictive as well. It really sucks to be prostrate before these biotches.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Your mother is a narcissist and an abuser.

Everything she thinks is twisted by her own insecurity and possibly trauma.

It doesn't matter when somebody is doing this level of harm to you, what her reasons are. It doesn't matter who she is.

Your safety comes first above her problems and you do need to know that you are not wrong. You're not bad, you're not bullying your mother, you're not the cause of this situation or the police interactions or any of it.

You struggle with mental health issues and those may affect people around you, and your mother is an abuser and she is twisting that kernel of truth for her own purposes, and her purpose is not your best interest.

I'm so sorry that she's in your life the way she is. Remember, her issues and whether or not she can do better and be a better person, none of that matters while she is this damaging to you. This is seriously dangerous to you and you don't need to spend an ounce of energy further on her problems. Protect your heart.

 

[thenamingofcats]

Your parents are monsters. They are likely sociopaths, not just narcs. Sociopaths enjoy hurting other people and often the victims are their children. I have a similar story and often wondered if my own parents were trying to get me to ctb. I don't think there's any way out of a situation like this without money. Some people do it by meeting partners but those partners are often just as bad since we lack the ability to see red flags like a normal person can. I wish there was a real answer.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Your story made me so angry, this is unfairness x99999. Your mother is despicable, you did nothing wrong, please believe us, you really did nothing wrong.

That was some narcissistic and horrible behaviour from her and the police were completely biased as well, siding with her without accessing the situation properly.

Damn I'm so mad, this was frustrating to read and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Truly horrible stuff, you're innocent OP and you didn't deserve any of that.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

The sense of dread, loneliness and anxiety where your own family is against you and don't understand you. I felt that sense of dread reading all of this, plus a mix of genuine frustration. You are not in the wrong at all. From my own experience, and what I feel and know from this situation is that your mom is emotionally manipulative, I know that all too well. I've had moments in my life too where I've been drove to the point of breaking down and crying. Its horrible. I hope you can find a way out of this.