trytrytryagain
Member
- Nov 30, 2023
- 27
May seem like a weird attention-seeking thread title, but my main point with this vent is that I don't know when I'm gonna get better, or if I even can at this point.
TW: mention of SA
To start off, I come here at essentially my lowest point, when I truly feel like there's nobody. More often than not, I don't regret coming here. It might be a vice of sorts, but I really feel like it's yelling into a void, in a good way. We're all strangers from so many backgrounds, and I truly feel like whenever I get close to anybody, it hurts more to talk about my feelings. So I prefer strangers more in that way.
Got close to SH today and had you know... all the thoughts associated with that pain. I held myself off and went on here because it has been on my mind to delete my account before I move back home. It just seems like something I have to do.
I feel so judged every time I bring up grievances of acquaintances/enemies to my friends. As if, just because they treat them well/further their careers and social life, I can't tell them that they were pieces of shit to me. I know it's socially awkward or not appropriate, and I'm trying to heal the hatred in my heart for these people, but I just can't forgive them. I can't forgive someone who told me my SA didn't matter so they could play and be friends with my abuser. I can't forgive his girlfriend, who was my best friend, for dating him, despite knowing how badly he treated me. I can't forgive anybody in my local music scene because they're a bunch of scum sucking social climbers. In some ways, I need to become a social climber too, but I dread it so much. I loathe myself for any time in my life I've come close to betraying someone for the sake of my own social life. I hate myself so much for that, I hate that nobody stood up for them either.
My closest friend here and I went to karaoke yesterday. I tried to bring up the fact that I feel very alone and I haven't left the house in four weeks, and this was the first time I felt like I was maybe starting to do something to better. They seemed confused and said it's not true because I have them and our two other friends. The main thing is, I haven't been able to get in contact with those two friends in months... It's weird because I absolutely feel close to them as people, they're wonderful and have a lot going on too right now; but I felt so alienated that my friend mentioned them because right now, I truly don't have anybody to help me where I am.
Weirdly enough, I feel much more creatively fulfilled when I write on here. It angers me though, because I know my writing will never be good enough to appeal to others, even if I come up with new metaphors and similes, it's all bullshit. Maybe it's better to feel completely disconnected to the lyrics I write though.
I was looking at the online members list and for some reason started bawling my eyes out when I didn't see the users I used to see in the beginning of the year... It's the cruel reality of this website, more broadly I guess, life.
Hopefully this post will give me enough of a headache to be able to fall asleep.
Thank you all for existing, ironically enough.
TW: mention of SA
To start off, I come here at essentially my lowest point, when I truly feel like there's nobody. More often than not, I don't regret coming here. It might be a vice of sorts, but I really feel like it's yelling into a void, in a good way. We're all strangers from so many backgrounds, and I truly feel like whenever I get close to anybody, it hurts more to talk about my feelings. So I prefer strangers more in that way.
Got close to SH today and had you know... all the thoughts associated with that pain. I held myself off and went on here because it has been on my mind to delete my account before I move back home. It just seems like something I have to do.
I feel so judged every time I bring up grievances of acquaintances/enemies to my friends. As if, just because they treat them well/further their careers and social life, I can't tell them that they were pieces of shit to me. I know it's socially awkward or not appropriate, and I'm trying to heal the hatred in my heart for these people, but I just can't forgive them. I can't forgive someone who told me my SA didn't matter so they could play and be friends with my abuser. I can't forgive his girlfriend, who was my best friend, for dating him, despite knowing how badly he treated me. I can't forgive anybody in my local music scene because they're a bunch of scum sucking social climbers. In some ways, I need to become a social climber too, but I dread it so much. I loathe myself for any time in my life I've come close to betraying someone for the sake of my own social life. I hate myself so much for that, I hate that nobody stood up for them either.
My closest friend here and I went to karaoke yesterday. I tried to bring up the fact that I feel very alone and I haven't left the house in four weeks, and this was the first time I felt like I was maybe starting to do something to better. They seemed confused and said it's not true because I have them and our two other friends. The main thing is, I haven't been able to get in contact with those two friends in months... It's weird because I absolutely feel close to them as people, they're wonderful and have a lot going on too right now; but I felt so alienated that my friend mentioned them because right now, I truly don't have anybody to help me where I am.
Weirdly enough, I feel much more creatively fulfilled when I write on here. It angers me though, because I know my writing will never be good enough to appeal to others, even if I come up with new metaphors and similes, it's all bullshit. Maybe it's better to feel completely disconnected to the lyrics I write though.
I was looking at the online members list and for some reason started bawling my eyes out when I didn't see the users I used to see in the beginning of the year... It's the cruel reality of this website, more broadly I guess, life.
Hopefully this post will give me enough of a headache to be able to fall asleep.
Thank you all for existing, ironically enough.
