I was with family today

[ScaredOfLife]

My sister and I live in the sane town. My mom drove three hours to visit with us. I feel so guilty, but the entire time I was with family today I was thinking about suicide. I couldn't concentrate on having a good time with them because I know what my suicide will do to them.

I really don't want to die but I have to. I'm crying as I type this because I really don't want to die. I wish I could win the lottery because then I wouldn't have to. I'm also crying because I know how hard it will be for me to pull the trigger, but I'm going to have to be courageous and just do it. I wish I didn't have mental illness and could be a normal person who wasn't afraid to live in this world.

It's going to kill my husband when I do it. I also hate what it's going to do to my sister.

Spending time with family is hard because I love them but can't enjoy their company because my obsession with suicide has me feeling like I'm not even in my own body. Does anyone else here ever feel like they're not in their own body?

 

[Smilla]

Sorry for what you are going through.

I too feel disconnected from my body, and barely take care of it these days. I used to watch my weight, thought I looked damn good some days (after a lifetime of being called ugly), and enjoyed buying clothes.

Now I do the bare minimum and only when I have to leave the house.

My body is no longer a part of "me" and I can't wait to be rid of it.

 

[Santiago]

'I wish I could win the lottery because then I wouldn't have to'

Genuinely curious but why do you think money would cure your mental illness?

 

[Luke]

else here ever feel like they're not in their own body?

That feeling is called depersonalization.
I'm more than familiar with it. Its like you just control your body like a puppet or a robot but not actually being there. I mostly experience it during "acting" in front of others.

Most guys would describe it as playing a boring FPS with good graphics.

 

[Luke]

'I wish I could win the lottery because then I wouldn't have to'

Genuinely curious but why do you think money would cure your mental illness?

I think what she meant is that solving financial issues would make her feel less of a burden on her husband.

 

[ScaredOfLife]

Sorry for what you are going through.

I too feel disconnected from my body, and barely take care of it these days. I used to watch my weight, thought I looked damn good some days (after a lifetime of being called ugly), and enjoyed buying clothes.

Now I do the bare minimum and only when I have to leave the house.

My body is no longer a part of "me" and I can't wait to be rid of it.

That's very much like me. I don't take care of myself except for when I have to leave the apartment.

 

[Final Escape]

I would have a much harder time going if I had close relationships. You seem torn and definitely not ready to do this. Then again I don't think u can ever be truly ready to ctb. You try to plan the best u can and hope that everything goes right. I wouldn't do anything until u feel mentally stable. Don't do anything on impulse if u can help it.

 

[ScaredOfLife]

'I wish I could win the lottery because then I wouldn't have to'

Genuinely curious but why do you think money would cure your mental illness?

It's because of my mental illness that I can't work. I'm on disability and there is a chance I can lose it. Then I won't have an income and will lose the apartment. I don't want to deal with the stress of living in poverty. I can't do interviews because of anxiety, ...and since there is a ten year gap in my work history, I'm not very likely to be employed in a job that would let me afford to keep an apartment. I would rather die than go on an interview, and that's why I will kill myself if I lose my income. I have terrible anxiety and even the little things in life overwhelm me. I also suffer from clinical depression. I spend my life in the bed. I just can't handle life.

If I won the lottery, I could stay safe at home.

 

[ScaredOfLife]

That feeling is called depersonalization.
I'm more than familiar with it. Its like you just control your body like a puppet or a robot but not actually being there. I mostly experience it during "acting" in front of others.

Most guys would describe it as playing a boring FPS with good graphics.

That's a very good description. And I was most definitely acting today. I had to act like I was happy, when inside I was thinking about my suicide.

 

[Final Escape]

Winning the lottery would solve my problems too. I would tell no one lol!

 

[ScaredOfLife]

I would have a much harder time going if I had close relationships. You seem torn and definitely not ready to do this. Then again I don't think u can ever be truly ready to ctb. You try to plan the best u can and hope that everything goes right. I wouldn't do anything until u feel mentally stable. Don't do anything on impulse if u can help it.

It's very hard with close relationships. It pains me deeply when I think about the pain I will leave behind. I'm crying again just thinking about it. It will devastate my family. I don't think my mom and dad understand my mental illness and they never even talk to me about it, which sometimes makes me feel like they don't care, but I know they love me even if it doesn't seem like they have much empathy for me. I so badly want them to ask me how I'm truly feeling, to show they care and know I'm suffering. It will kill my little sister when I ctb. She adores me.

My husband will be lost without me. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He takes such good care of me and has always treated me like a princess. He takes care of me when I can't take care of myself.

It's just that I'm facing losing my income at the same time as I suffer a horrible fear of the world. Everything about life scares me. People scare me. Simple tasks overwhelm me. I spend my life in the bed, crippled by anxiety, depression and fear. I'm like a scared child in a 40 year-old body. I never grew up.

I have a gun but I know it will take a lot of courage to pull the trigger. I'd like to go by the nitrogen method but I'm not sure I'm smart enough to set it up. I think about N but not sure I could handle the taste. I think about SN but not sure I could get the right antiemetics or if it is truly a peaceful way to go. I tried the tourniquet method and failed. I really am going to hate to have to resort to my gun, but I may have no other choice unless I can figure out the nitrogen method.

 

[Santiago]

It's because of my mental illness that I can't work. I'm on disability and there is a chance I can lose it. Then I won't have an income and will lose the apartment. I don't want to deal with the stress of living in poverty. I can't do interviews because of anxiety, ...and since there is a ten year gap in my work history, I'm not very likely to be employed in a job that would let me afford to keep an apartment. I would rather die than go on an interview, and that's why I will kill myself if I lose my income. I have terrible anxiety and even the little things in life overwhelm me. I also suffer from clinical depression. I spend my life in the bed. I just can't handle life.

If I won the lottery, I could stay safe at home.

Do you think staying at home for the rest of your life and isolating yourself will make you continue on living then? Assuming you have all the money in the world.

I can't imagine I would personally be able to handle that either.

 

[ScaredOfLife]

Do you think staying at home for the rest of your life and isolating yourself will make you continue on living then? Assuming you have all the money in the world.

I can't imagine I would personally be able to handle that either.

Yes; if I could stay at home I could keep on living. I've been staying at home and isolating myself for a decade. I feel safe at home.

 

[Vvcv]

Yes; if I could stay at home I could keep on living. I've been staying at home and isolating myself for a decade. I feel safe at home.

I hope you keep getting your disability money (fingers crossed).

 

[ScaredOfLife]

I hope you keep getting your disability money (fingers crossed).

Thank you very much.