I went to my first exposure group for social anxiety

[trying ungracefully]

It was okay I am just having a lot of left over anxiety and I want to isolate and not go out again so bad because I'm just overwhelmed. Being in group wasn't too hard, I got through the introductions and how the group works, talked to a therapist, and then went on with my first exposure which was a walk through non busy streets. It was hard but not too bad, it was really overwhelming walking out of the building and being faced with screaming kids from the daycare next door though. Loud noises add to my anxiety and a couple of screaming kids is like tornado alarms going off. I tried to pay attention to nature though and stopped to read a mural description even though it wasn't that interesting.

The biggest embarrassing part was just leaving and saying goodbye at the end of group because I wanted to get out as quick as possible but I wasn't able to get out without being noticed in that small group lol. Also everyone is there for OCD which is an anxiety disorder but it just adds to me feeling like the odd man out, I know no one is judging though that one is truly just a feeling. Then also because I realized the person next to me has contamination OCD I started to think I smelled and that maybe she thought I was disgusting and filled with germs. I

It's hard to think that I need to keep doing this though. This week, until we meet again next Wednesday, I have to practice walking around my neighborhood for 20 minutes at least 5 times. It is doable and I proved today it is doable by only being a 5/10 with my feelings the whole time it is just that the freeze part of my anxiety always gets to me. Sometimes I will get all ready to go out. But then I just freeze with anxiety and think of the possibilities like people judging me or me making a mistake or someone thinking I look weird, someone talking to me is also terrible it has happened before while I was trying exposures by myself. Also I know it is small things but social anxiety is really terrible even if it seems small.

I have to get bigger with my exposures too. I have half on my list of 16 rated 10/10 and I am really scared to get to those 10's. One of them is that I have to travel to a location by myself which involves the bus/train and then going to a maybe unfamiliar place where I have to do more things that lead to anxiety. I can't even walk down a busy street normally it is hard to imagine the future

Things I have to remember:
- group is only 1 hour and 30 minutes long and I spend more time online I can spare some time for therapy
- the exposures are a small portion of my day, I spend longer rotting on tiktok
- my parents are paying money for me to get better I need to try my best
- I need to move out and get a job and this is the step needed for that
- exposures I guess can really work well with anxiety disorders if done right and I need to trust the process and myself
- when I got in the rhythm of going out only before I was okay and my anxiety didn't take over, it can happen again

Hopefully I got this I don't want to be living at my parents house when I'm even older. It's already hard.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You can do this! Good luck!

 

[MapleS]

proud of you and good luck <3

 

[trying ungracefully]

I did the 20 minute walk yesterday. Wasn't too bad. I didn't do it today. I'm preparing to go to a suicide prevention fundraiser walk with my family tomorrow. I'm honestly unsure if I will go but I'm going to get ready for it. It's a 3 mile walk and probably a 3-4 hour long thing. I'll be honest I don't even know if I can walk three miles because I haven't walked far distances in a really long time. My dad also said like 1000 people will be there which is terrifying and I'm always worried about the bathroom in those situations.

I'm also needing to go to my grandmas tomorrow because she has desserts and she invited me over and I'm not about to turn down desserts with my grandma lol. It's just still draining, I have to walk and I get anxious with that a bit and then it's a lot of socializing and trying to be "normal" as I say.

Then from sun-wed I'm going on vacation with my boyfriend. I'm still going to try and do my exposure so I'm going to modify it and see if we can go into a town or populated area and I can just walk. I'd probably do it anyways because we are trying to explore the nature places around. It's still worrying me though because it's the first time I'm away from home in a long time and it's a place I've never been. Also the bathroom at the Airbnb is shared with the other properties around so I might be up close with someone which isn't the best for me. Im still excited for this though. I just have to take it one day at a time like the cliche goes.

 

[kazatte]

OMG i am so proud of you!! exposure when it comes to anxiety is so, so hard, but i know you can do this and i believe in you. you got this!! and yes you are so right; take it one day at a time. you're doing great :)

 

[sanctionedusage]

keep us updated! im celebrating for you. absolutely nothing is insignificant or just a 'starting point' when it comes to exposure; all of it takes immense mental strength and perseverance. if everyone in the world felt what people with severe social anxiety felt, not half of them would even get to this point.

don't let yourself think "the average person could do this so easily, yet i'm struggling for no reason" 'cause it's a real privilege not to have a debilitating anxiety disorder, social or ocd-- most people couldn't do what you're doing.

 

[Dejected 55]

I have a serious question here that I've always wondered. Is everyone in a social anxiety group socially anxious? Because... maybe it's just me... but it seems like if everyone in the group has social anxiety, then them socializing with each other doesn't necessarily translate to being social in general society.

Like, if I'm nervous about something and I know I'm with a person who is also nervous about the same thing... I actually am less nervous because I know they get it. But plop me in with a regular person the next day and I'm just as nervous because I know that person doesn't get it.

 

[sanctionedusage]

I have a serious question here that I've always wondered. Is everyone in a social anxiety group socially anxious? Because... maybe it's just me... but it seems like if everyone in the group has social anxiety, then them socializing with each other doesn't necessarily translate to being social in general society.

I think the point of social anxiety groups is just to feel less alone in what they're dealing with. When they feel so ostracized from non-SADs in society, its hard to connect with anyone at all and find someone who would understand.

Talking to each other may or may not be part of the exposure for each person depending on if they're nervous with each other despite the common ground, but it's still comforting for most people to be going through the same process of exposure with others like them at the same time, or with people you can touch base with and relate to in scheduled meetings.

Basically emotional support alone can help someone manage the hard process of reintegrating with society, so receiving that emotional support from others in group doesn't have to be exposure therapy in and of itself.

 

[trying ungracefully]

I have a serious question here that I've always wondered. Is everyone in a social anxiety group socially anxious? Because... maybe it's just me... but it seems like if everyone in the group has social anxiety, then them socializing with each other doesn't necessarily translate to being social in general society.

Like, if I'm nervous about something and I know I'm with a person who is also nervous about the same thing... I actually am less nervous because I know they get it. But plop me in with a regular person the next day and I'm just as nervous because I know that person doesn't get it.

I think they all are social anxious lol. I went to a social anxiety group there and we learned about social anxiety and the cycle of it and then we practiced things like phone calls with each other, public speaking about different topics, going off to do a social exposure. It helps people I guess because they run it multiple times a year and it was recommended by my therapist who's had clients also go there. One guy in my group left though because it wasn't for him.

And it didn't completely solve things but it did give me a decent bit of confidence. Without the confidence it was making my anxiety worse because besides having these other things bothering me like thinking I'm not speaking properly, I didnt feel like I could even speak to someone that I didn't know really if they weren't just a worker. Now I can talk without having 10/10 anxiety but it's still there.

It definitely isn't the thing for everyone and the things we did in that group need to be done outside of the group too even after.

Also like the other person mentioned it is comforting having other people with the same issues there. That's why I started this specific exposure group because even though I know I can do the things it's easier with people supporting me and it gives me a crutch until I can start going actually solo.

 

[Dejected 55]

Speaking for myself... and I've talked about this before elsewhere... I have always had anxiety about talking to someone new over the phone. And by "new" I mean the phone, I might know you for months but the first time I call on the phone is hell.

As a kid I hated calling to order a pizza. Hated it. Hated calling stores to find out if they had something before I drove there to buy it. Hated calling a new friend for the first time or calling for a job interview. I hated the first time calling a girl to talk to her. First time with any person is anxiety paralysis inducing for me. Each call after that to the same person is easier... but any new person the process is the same.

 

[trying ungracefully]

Speaking for myself... and I've talked about this before elsewhere... I have always had anxiety about talking to someone new over the phone. And by "new" I mean the phone, I might know you for months but the first time I call on the phone is hell.

As a kid I hated calling to order a pizza. Hated it. Hated calling stores to find out if they had something before I drove there to buy it. Hated calling a new friend for the first time or calling for a job interview. I hated the first time calling a girl to talk to her. First time with any person is anxiety paralysis inducing for me. Each call after that to the same person is easier... but any new person the process is the same.

I understand so much. I once put off receiving urgent medical news one time because it was over the phone. I've gotten better somewhat but I can't make calls past call center places like tech support.

 

[MapleS]

Oh my god I'm so proud of you and glad you've got some confidance and help you needed

 

[trying ungracefully]

So as an update. I'm not walking at all. I think about it and then push it away because I don't want to deal with the anxiety. Today I'm going again to group and I'll talk about it but I feel like a failure. It is simple anxiety and I won't even deal with it when I want to work my hardest on it.

It's all or nothing a lot. So if I know I can't walk 5 times in a week like I'm supposed to it makes it harder to start. I need to get over that feeling of failure I just think it's very common to not want to feel that way. It's also hard to walk because if I have no destination it feels pointless and I need help figuring out a destination that I can go to around me that still is in the same level of anxiety.

This shit is hard work and bringing my deeper suicidal feelings back because I just want to be normal so badly.

 

[MapleS]

I wanted to tell you that it's ok to rest some time. It's ok to NOT want to deal with anxiety for some time and it's ok to go back to it even if scared
Lot's of hugs and I'm proud of you that you are still trying (to resolve to try going outside again).
Good luck <3

 

[trying ungracefully]

Sorry for using this as a journal basically, it helps me in a way.

- But I have to get my ID, it just expired a week ago. The only reason I am getting it for sure is because I want to go into dispensaries and buy alcohol but those are the only reason. It sucks because now it's blood work, ID, and driving permit test. My therapist also wants me to go to a gyno for a check up but I am honestly done with doctors outside of my psych for the year, I did PCP (that's the blood work I need and then for my psych) and dentist twice that's good enough for me.

- I walked once though down a busy street in my neighborhood, I need to go tomorrow I am using my boyfriend coming over as an excuse. But it's hard trying not to distract myself and just sit with the uncomfortable anxiety. When I was in the group last time doing my exposure I walked down a really busy street and I started to feel so sick and my chest was tightening so badly, that was with me semi distracting, it's hard to sit with it. My anxiety also has me feeling zoned out a lot. There were a few times I caught myself crossing side streets without looking because I was just blanked out. I came back to the room disoriented, sweaty, and sick. I hate it.

I also realized I worry too much about my safety. I saw an open van door and thought I was going to be kidnapped while they looked like workers. I live in a city with crime but kidnappings outside of family aren't all too common where I should be that worried.

- Other news, I am going to a pumpkin patch with my boyfriend which I am very nervous for. It's going to have a very large crowd and I can just feel me becoming overwhelmed when I imagine myself there. I am trying to think of the good things too though. I'm probably going to isolate for a few days afterwords but it will be worth it I think. I know I am supposed to move slow with exposures but this is less of an exposure and more of an experience. I can't keep waiting for life sometimes I need to throw myself at it and hope it works out lol.