I will be alone in a few hours. I worry I'll kill myself.

[3/4Dead]

I'm overwhelemed, I've never experienced such prolonged depression and stress. I'm about to enter a new wave of it with uni, and it will only get worse with my anxiety, especially with being a in a new place. We moved around a lot when I was younger so change in my living space is incredibly disruptive, regardless of how prepared I am. My parents, god I think I'll just leave it at that and move on, there's too much to say. But I live with them, and they're off to pawn some jewlery and other valubles to pay for my schooling in a few hours, I'll be alone, I know where they keep their guns, my notes are already written. I have other things to prepare, such as disposing of my things and making my last phone calls but those are much lower on the priority list. There's an abandoned building nearby where I could break in and it is unlikely anyone would enter in the time it would take for police to arrive. I feel that once they leave if I continue to feel the way I do right now, I will kill myself.

I got into it with them earlier about school, I had an anxiety attack, it became about them, I'm exhausted.

My (more rational and not panicky) plan has been to do it either next year on my birthday, or this year on my birthday (coming up soon) but this window of opporotunity feels like its calling my name.

I want the chaos to stop, I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this, and today just feels like it's stoking the fire.

I don't have anyone to call. I don't know what to do.

 

[Heavy Rain]

I'm sorry mate :(
If you're worried you might do it, then it sounds like maybe you don't really want it yet, even if the pain is so intense
Is there something in you that wants to keep going still?
Maybe you should give it some time
Think it over, you're still young
If you can, give it some time :)

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

You aren't ready. you need to get help. Please go to a clinic or a church and talk to someone so you won't be alone.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sounds like you're not ready. Can you leave your house and take a walk for a while? Maybe by the time you return home, your parents will be back.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

You can always spend time in chat.

 

[3/4Dead]

Thank you all for your replies. They're gone now, and I'm a little less upset than earlier, but definetly not entirely better. I'll go walk for a while. Try to re-center. If I'm still feeling frazzled and they're not back I'll try some of the other things you all have reccomended. Thanks again.