I will give it 6 months!

[max_ryan_000]

Hello everyone, so i was here lurking through the Recovery Section posts and i saw this thread and in there was a user who said if someone is not sure whether or not he/she should ctb or not, they should at least stick to 6 months to recovery even if it's difficult at first.

Well, i have been having suicidal thoughts for a while, but deep inside i am afraid because i don't want to kill myself and cause me pain, and SN might the most accesible and peaceful method for me, but i afraid of how my corpse would look afterwards for my family to find it... (cyanosis)

I know there are things i liked to do before being in this state, like Strength Training, going out with friends, laughing and enjoying life... am i am only 21 years old...

So i decided to try, to give it a shot, 6 months is a good amount of time, and if doesn't get better i can always come back to CTB.

Btw, it's funny, but the fact that there is a "pro-choice" forum like SS, knowing that i have all kinds of method here accessible if i need to, and have this super important Recovery Section as well, made me want to at least try to live...

I really hope that 6 months from today, i will make a post saying things got better and it was worth it!

I also want to say thanks to all the users & moderators who seem to be so supportive in here, and so loving as well, it makes me feel at peace when i browse to this forum.

 

[KillingPain267]

Hello everyone, so i was here lurking through the Recovery Section posts and i saw this thread and in there was a user who said if someone is not sure whether or not he/she should ctb or not, they should at least stick to 6 months to recovery even if it's difficult at first.

Well, i have been having suicidal thoughts for a while, but deep inside i am afraid because i don't want to kill myself and cause me pain, and SN might the most accesible and peaceful method for me, but i afraid of how my corpse would look afterwards for my family to find it... (cyanosis)

I know there are things i liked to do before being in this state, like Strength Training, going out with friends, laughing and enjoying life... am i am only 21 years old...

So i decided to try, to give it a shot, 6 months is a good amount of time, and if doesn't get better i can always come back to CTB.

Btw, it's funny, but the fact that there is a "pro-choice" forum like SS, knowing that i have all kinds of method here accessible if i need to, and have this super important Recovery Section as well, made me want to at least try to live...

I really hope that 6 months from today, i will make a post saying things got better and it was worth it!

I also want to say thanks to all the users & moderators who seem to be so supportive in here, and so loving as well, it makes me feel at peace when i browse to this forum.

Yeah, I am thinking like that too. But I know that to survive 6 months I will have relapsed with drugs by then, and by that time I will HAVE to have a real escape plan. Because when my family and caseworkers and doctors find out I have relapsed, I will lose all my freedom and then only methods like jumping, train, jumping into traffic and hanging with a scarf from a forest branch will be available to me.

So in a sense I think I made up my mind by now. The only thing left is trying out a new antidepressant I might get in about a month.

What this site also does good is harm reduction. Because people here are honest and realistic and warning about dangerous and inconsiderate methods like I mentioned above. This makes people take a break and plan ahead instead of impulsive, and who knows, maybe that has saved a lot of people, because they got better while waiting and planning their ctb method.

 

[max_ryan_000]

Yeah, I am thinking like that too. But I know that to survive 6 months I will have relapsed with drugs by then, and by that time I will HAVE to have a real escape plan. Because when my family and caseworkers and doctors find out I have relapsed, I will lose all my freedom and then only methods like jumping, train, jumping into traffic and hanging with a scarf from a forest branch will be available to me.

So in a sense I think I made up my mind by now. The only thing left is trying out a new antidepressant I might get in about a month.

What this site also does good is harm reduction. Because people here are honest and realistic and warning about dangerous and inconsiderate methods like I mentioned above. This makes people take a break and plan ahead instead of impulsive, and who knows, maybe that has saved a lot of people, because they got better while waiting and planning their ctb method.

hey, i personally don't have experience with drug addiction, other than the fact that i used to smoke weed daily, never tried nothing else.

I do believe in the theory that if one keeps trying even if it's hard he will succeed, maybe you will succeed in not relapsing again...

I hope so, i hope everything turns out well for you, i believe we all here deserve a better life if possible.

I agree, my biggest fear is doing an impulsive method that might leave more f*cked up than how i am in the moment i try it, and leave me living in a vegetable state, in that situation i really wish i'd be dead, i am sure.

The only way i would be really okay with ctb, would be through nembutal...

I sincerely hope that things get better for you as i hope they get better for me.

I am also trying to distract myself by doing other stuff, like reading a book or do drawings, it feels boring but i am starting small, to keep my mind busy, i heard it could help..

 

[KillingPain267]

hey, i personally don't have experience with drug addiction, other than the fact that i used to smoke weed daily, never tried nothing else.

I do believe in the theory that if one keeps trying even if it's hard he will succeed, maybe you will succeed in not relapsing again...

I hope so, i hope everything turns out well for you, i believe we all here deserve a better life if possible.

I agree, my biggest fear is doing an impulsive method that might leave more f*cked up than how i am in the moment i try it, and leave me living in a vegetable state, in that situation i really wish i'd be dead, i am sure.

The only way i would be really okay with ctb, would be through nembutal...

I sincerely hope that things get better for you as i hope they get better for me.

I am also trying to distract myself by doing other stuff, like reading a book or do drawings, it feels boring but i am starting small, to keep my mind busy, i heard it could help..

Yeah, it's just I have nothing to look forward to. No joy in anything, it seems so meaningless, even things I used to enjoy. The only joy I have is during the time a chemical increases my dopamine artificially, lol. But since it's destructive long term, that is also meaningless.

But yeah, small steps and distractions is all I have too, at least to distract from pain. I hope it works out for you and you find happiness. I think I'm too far gone. My last hope is that new antidepressant they might offer after the appointment I have booked next month. I want at least to suppress pain and anxiety. Maybe then I'll change my mind about ctb.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I really hope that 6 months from today, i will make a post saying things got better and it was worth it!

I hope the best for you. I hope you reach your goals! Good luck :-)

 

[max_ryan_000]

Yeah, it's just I have nothing to look forward to. No joy in anything, it seems so meaningless, even things I used to enjoy. The only joy I have is during the time a chemical increases my dopamine artificially, lol. But since it's destructive long term, that is also meaningless.

But yeah, small steps and distractions is all I have too, at least to distract from pain. I hope it works out for you and you find happiness. I think I'm too far gone. My last hope is that new antidepressant they might offer after the appointment I have booked next month. I want at least to suppress pain and anxiety. Maybe then I'll change my mind about ctb.

I understand you... i don't know what works for you, but i've come to the conclusion that for me, the only thing that works through these moments is refusing to give up..

I feel like suicidal thoughts are like as if a "demon" was trying to push you to do these things. It's like our brain tries to convince us and gives us all reasons to end it all, rather than working on our favor and motivates us to not do it. Don't get me wrong, i am not religious nor do i believe in demons, i was just trying to exemplify what is my opinion on the way our depressed mind works.

Another thing, i have come to realize nobody else can take me out of this suicidal state but me, no matter how much they try, i compare it like a family of a drug addict trying to help him, that person won't successfully recover unless he really wants to.

One thing that might help you.. i hope... i am sure (i hope) you have had a few good moments in your life, try to use that as a reminder that if things were good at a certain point in life and then they got bad, perhaps they can get better again if you stick long enough to life.. and i also i have plenty of dreams i desire to achieve, and i try to use that as motivation to keep going...

The only way a suicidal person that has not yet done too much damage to himself, can get out of this state, is to refuse to end his life, no matter how much the mind tells him to do so...

Our minds are like followers, our thoughts will follow whatever state we are in, if we are happy we will have (usually) thoughts of happiness and joy, and if depressed....

So i cannot sit here and say it will get better you and for me, but i believe it can if we don't give up... but it requires strength and willpower at first...

So whatever route you choose i support you, but i would recommend you to try at least 3 months, trying to be away from anything that you can be away that might trigger your suicidal thoughts for that amount of time, and try to engage in activies that might be helpful, like working out (if you like) or a different hobby..

It might work... or it might not... but it might surprise you...

Wish all the best for you.

 

[KillingPain267]

I understand you... i don't know what works for you, but i've come to the conclusion that for me, the only thing that works through these moments is refusing to give up..

I feel like suicidal thoughts are like as if a "demon" was trying to push you to do these things. It's like our brain tries to convince us and gives us all reasons to end it all, rather than working on our favor and motivates us to not do it. Don't get me wrong, i am not religious nor do i believe in demons, i was just trying to exemplify what is my opinion on the way our depressed mind works.

Another thing, i have come to realize nobody else can take me out of this suicidal state but me, no matter how much they try, i compare it like a family of a drug addict trying to help him, that person won't successfully recover unless he really wants to.

One thing that might help you.. i hope... i am sure (i hope) you have had a few good moments in your life, try to use that as a reminder that if things were good at a certain point in life and then they got bad, perhaps they can get better again if you stick long enough to life.. and i also i have plenty of dreams i desire to achieve, and i try to use that as motivation to keep going...

The only way a suicidal person that has not yet done too much damage to himself, can get out of this state, is to refuse to end his life, no matter how much the mind tells him to do so...

Our minds are like followers, our thoughts will follow whatever state we are in, if we are happy we will have (usually) thoughts of happiness and joy, and if depressed....

So i cannot sit here and say it will get better you and for me, but i believe it can if we don't give up... but it requires strength and willpower at first...

So whatever route you choose i support you, but i would recommend you to try at least 3 months, trying to be away from anything that you can be away that might trigger your suicidal thoughts for that amount of time, and try to engage in activies that might be helpful, like working out (if you like) or a different hobby..

It might work... or it might not... but it might surprise you...

Wish all the best for you.

It sounds like you have the right mindset for recovery, and I am happy for you. Keep it up!

If you have goals as motivation that certainly seems to help. The problem for me is, I don't have anything to look forward to. Other people have goals for me (getting a job) but that is definitely not something I look forward to, in fact it's another reason I want to ctb because a job just increases my symptoms of both backpain and social anxiety. When I'm at home I just play games and watch movies and read stuff, but only as a distraction. It's not something that gives me any excitedness to continue another day.

My good moments in life years ago are gone and will never come back. Thinking of those moments only make me cry, and that is painful, so I have to suppress good memories. For such to be back would require my ex to return and nobody can force them to do so. I also have no desire or ability or trust to start a new relationship. The thought of being with another person while still having memories of my first is weird to me, and I would live in constant anxiety that the new person leaves any time like the first did. Unfortunately my health issues seem to be permanent as well, and will only get worse as I age.

Lastly, the fact that I can never get it out of my mind that I will die eventually anyway (most likely after agonizing illnesses and treatments and being weak asf), it has cemented in my mind that I am on my way out quite soon.

So, these are my reasons for why I am here:

1. Health issues
2. My dream of getting old with my ex shattered
3. The inevitability of death
4. No joy in doing anything

But yes, I can give it 3 months, probably 6 months even. Maybe there will be something to hold on to. But in case things get even worse I must have a way out.

I wish all the best for you though. You definitely have something to hold on to already.

 

[max_ryan_000]

It sounds like you have the right mindset for recovery, and I am happy for you. Keep it up!

If you have goals as motivation that certainly seems to help. The problem for me is, I don't have anything to look forward to. Other people have goals for me (getting a job) but that is definitely not something I look forward to, in fact it's another reason I want to ctb because a job just increases my symptoms of both backpain and social anxiety. When I'm at home I just play games and watch movies and read stuff, but only as a distraction. It's not something that gives me any excitedness to continue another day.

My good moments in life years ago are gone and will never come back. Thinking of those moments only make me cry, and that is painful, so I have to suppress good memories. For such to be back would require my ex to return and nobody can force them to do so. I also have no desire or ability or trust to start a new relationship. The thought of being with another person while still having memories of my first is weird to me, and I would live in constant anxiety that the new person leaves any time like the first did. Unfortunately my health issues seem to be permanent as well, and will only get worse as I age.

Lastly, the fact that I can never get it out of my mind that I will die eventually anyway (most likely after agonizing illnesses and treatments and being weak asf), it has cemented in my mind that I am on my way out quite soon.

So, these are my reasons for why I am here:

1. Health issues
2. My dream of getting old with my ex shattered
3. The inevitability of death
4. No joy in doing anything

But yes, I can give it 3 months, probably 6 months even. Maybe there will be something to hold on to. But in case things get even worse I must have a way out.

I wish all the best for you though. You definitely have something to hold on to already.

I see.. i didn't know life has been that difficult for you.. i am sorry...

If you really feel that is the right decision for you, i wish you go out in the most peaceful way possible... maybe SN or N... i hope you find peace after this...

Just try to give it a few months if you find it worth it to try, if not, take the decision that will put you at peace the most. Wish you love & peace, however you can find it...