Venting I wish I had family

[LonelyKitten]

Being in crisis as I am now, it just becomes once again painfully clear how much I lack familial support - a strong support network to catch me when I fall.
Both in the past and now, it is emblematic of a long running, key lack of a safety net to thrive.

I don't have the kind of financial or logistical support to realistically, to safely, make it out of this.
It needs a miracle, as always...
If I just... If I just had a little more support...
At least I could try the final option left in my mind. Maybe it's bogus.
Maybe everything is bogus.
But I don't want to give up!

My life doesn't seem to agree with any of that, however.
These circumstances...
While I curse them, they are enlightening to the highest degree.
I always had this strange fantasy, of someone, not unlike a white knight on a horse, someone "saving" me from my situation.
There was no role model.
There was no guidance.
There was no protector.

I always felt so alienated, so confused.
Most everyone I ever spoke to had someone, some kind of family, even if shitty - a financial support, or emotional, or they could live with them, or they could follow their ideas or role model for their own lives, etc.
How could I learn? How could I survive? How could I thrive?

The truth has ultimately been revealed to me, now that I am pretty much entirely on my own irl.
That white knight needed to be me.
Just me. I have to be my role model.
Beachy Head proved it.
I protected myself, from a re-hash of my worst childhood trauma.
Yet in person, I was alone, in that situation.

Invoking the mirage of a real adult, that started to form in the United States... Where I managed to land in situations where I had to do it. I had to survive on my own. And that is how I learn best.
I did it, y'know. Because I was allowed to.
I had the right to work.
I survived homeless, 13-14 months out there in total. During the majority of that, employed.
Taking care of and protecting myself.
I have to be my own parent, my own doctor, my own lawyer, my own teacher, my own therapist, my own cook, my own banker, my own hairdresser, my own financial supporter, etc., ...

If anything, learning everything from scratch is a key story of my life - from when I remember making myself food as like, a two year (?) old in the oven - the sausage and bread turned out burnt, but damn was I starving.
No one was there, what else could I have done?
Consider lucky I didn't start a fire...
Though then my pain'd been gone early.
It took me until I was 23 to learn how to feed myself at home (basic cooking).

Being alone with everything from basic to advanced is how I spent my childhood anyway.
Surviving on my own, in my own room, in my own world, to the side of anything related to my biological family.
The matters of which I was never even privy to.

I didn't learn even until I was 18 why my parents divorced.
I knew nothing about my family, whatever happened, who the hell even was I?
Always just, do nothing, be told nothing.
Just get through the day, just play some game, never interact with the real world, despite it holding the most beauty there is...

Now I realize, no one... Was truly there in my real life.
I was not wanted - especially by my biological family.
But if you don't want me, let me go?
Don't force me to be there?
Don't force me to never do anything, never take charge, never live my own life?
Why keep me around at all costs, just to suffer?
Just for your sake? Control?
We never got along anyway?
I can't keep you company if we hate each other?
I'll never understand. It is so illogical.

Spoiler: Father.

My biological father abandoned me when I was a toddler to start a new family.
Of course, he did leave valuable life advice to my biological brother - insights, the slightest hings, that could have been CRUCIAL to hear for me.
Just anything could have helped.
Why not tell me anything?
What ideas am I supposed to follow?
How do I live?
Getting an apprenticeship, and following through no matter how tough it gets, is a way to survive in this country?
That's real advice.
Why'd I never hear it?
Except being told like, a decade and a half later by my brother about how he was told explicitly by the father to do that?
How about... Learning how to drive, both of you are drivers?
Is your only lesson ever passed on to abandon ship, to ditch "lost causes" at the earliest moment?

Spoiler: Mother.

The biological mother little better - she gave up on life.
Always complaining, like I am now.
Listing nothing but roadblocks, roadblocks, and roadblocks.
Because everything fails anyway.
What a beautiful sense of hope.
So nothing ever works? Why live then?
Oh, always stay near, always be there, protect her, in a sense? Take care of her?
Guilty, feel guilty, parent your own parent.
What. Did I ask to be born?
I do not exist, to drop my entire life, for your company and nothing else.

My only guidance here was to absolutely, never, ever, turn out like you, and if I see things going that way with no way left to stop, I must erase myself.
I don't want to stick around a burden.
I don't want to stick around just to sour everything.
Be fiercly independent, thrive.
No other way I should survive.

It's already coming up, up, up.
It feels disgusting!
None of that!
What is the point in life, if the beauties can not be shared?
What is the point, if I am neither happy, nor contributing, nor making anyone else happy?
The truth is always somewhere in the middle -
A healthy balance is what's needed.

Spoiler: Brother.

Now, brother, lie lie lie. Always lie.
False promises, false hopes.
Push away, go away.
"You shouldn't see this, go play games"
Why can't I see the real world?
Why can't I learn to live?
How would I turn out independent this way.
How?
Now you complain, that I am a mess, that I am too much.
Why do you think... I turned out this way?
If I never got to walk on my own two feet whenever I was with you?
Just let me go, discover on my own...

Spoiler: Her.

Oh, one there was, she came so close...
Truly cared she did, I'd always tell.
My former partner and best friend.
But things did not turn out so well.
At this point it turns more my fault.
I can't be such a mess, so broken and distraught.

I'm sorry, I know you truly cared.
I'm sorry, I know there are limits to what one can do.
I know you never had an ulterior motive.
I know you were just kind... Sigh.
Connect as deeply as I wish we could.
Just good friends... we could have made.

Spoiler: Her mother.

But with your mother, I will disagree.
Just as toxic it turned out to be...
Not truly valued, never trusted.
Thought a new family here I'd found.
But if I broke, it could not work.
Had to be perfect, follow every word.
The contract that you signed...
Was it truly neaningless?

In the end the truth was shown - cared not for my well-being, but the impacts only on her child.
I suppose that's fair, but why then lie.
I always wanted something close.
Please do not just take advantage.
Just tell me upfront that is all you want...
Don't have me figure out after years and years...
That my real person is nothing to you.

Don't have me cling, don't have me guilt.
Don't have me fear, don't force me near...
Why abuse my trust?
I felt compelled to share so much with you...
You kept saying you wanted to be like a mother... I was foolish to hang onto that.
Too weak, too tempted by the idea.
Yet scared I was as well and struggled to trust?
A paradox I'll never get.
But in the end there's no respect.
Take immense risk, large sacrifice.
Respect for none, for none of mine...

"oh that cat you just met for a little while, you didn't care she died!"
Why say this, about my friend...

"oh if I had known you were considering killing yourself, I wouldn't have invested the energy!"
I literally told you I was suicidal...

(Telling me she'd force me into a hospital if I was suicidal because "think of how it'd affect her!" It'd shatter her!)
You'd imprison me with no opportunity for improvement because it might hurt her if I died?
It's just an inconvenience? Out of sight, out of mind?
We'd talked so much, for months, I gave up my own plans, my own ideas, risked breaking all that was left of my life, just for you, because I felt guilty...
I lost so much. Yet you'd blatantly ignore and do the worst to me?

The guilt, the guilt. It's real, I felt bad.
At least more money I could have sent, right?
I never stopped, even after getting sick, until the final month that I was there, to send you money... I know it didn't end up enough!
And in my further plans, this was considered!
Why toy with my feelings at my worst?
Why can't you trust?
Why can't...

Oh, to hell with it. We were like oil and water, always!
I should have moved on, and so should you have.
I'm sorry for all the damage I caused.
But now my own life is entirely ruined.
Let's just let it be. We'll never get along.
It never worked.
I wish you all the best. I've moved on.
Hopefully you can too.

I must accept now that I am running out of options. I have felt so unsafe.
There is nowhere safe to go.
No safe couch to crash on, no support to try this or that, no previously established blueprint to follow.
Or, if I still had my rights, could I save myself?
Perhaps with something like that, any of it, I'd have a much better chance of pulling through.
Or perhaps? It wouldn't change a damn.

Yet I do feel calm. Even if this is it.
It could not have turned out any other way.
Because I learned the truths about my life, no matter how uncomfortable.
I actually lived to some degree.
I actually saw the outdoors, and learned.
Got a real sense what I could have done, should have done.
For that clarity, I am grateful.
It is almost like, I am myself.
A real, much closer sense... Of who I am.

This could not have turned out any other way.
I feel acceptance, I feel clarity.
No need to cling onto what ifs.
Not the past, not the guilt.
That stopped me in my tracks, led me down this endless spiral.
Focus on the here and now.
That and only that, grants peace, clarity, and direction.
I want to recover, but do my circumstances truly allow it?
In any case:
At least near the end, I tried my best - I have no regrets.

What now? What now.

 

[puella]

I wish I could help you...