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LOVE !
- Sep 30, 2024
- 134
Tonight I am convinced that the only solution for me truly is to just end my life. I think it's the solution to everything. I think that an even better, compassionate solution would be if the entire human race became extinct all at once. The thing is, I feel guilt for my parents. The only advice I can give them is that suicide is the only way out and that they should promote it, we weren't meant to live, it's a freak science experiment. But they would never do that. When I brought up the topic of suicide and tried to rationalize it, they said those were "crazy" thoughts and my mom's first instinct is to call the police on me. I do not blame them, I pity them, but I genuinely don't think life is for me. I am in the minority on a lot of things, and I just want to take the chance that what's after death is less deranged and sad than what I have observed on earth. I also want to note that I am no better. I really liked the comment of someone regarding how a baby's first instinct is to cry when they come out of the womb, as if they are aware of the horrors that permeate on Earth. I don't want to be convinced out of my beliefs, I genuinely think this is the only way I can go. I wish my parents had the same sentiment that I have, so they too would go through with suicide. I wish they saw it as something comforting. I don't want them dead, it would terrify me, but I fail to get rid of this constant sense of malaise and I feel like it's not just me who feels this. I don't feel like I am meant for life. I want to exterminate myself, I would love if I had SN right now and I appreciate all of you because your first instinct isn't to report me.
I did devise a plan on a possible way of life for me earlier today. It is one that does not involve engaging in anything sexual, one where I am not in any romantic relationship because I have realized that I make a bad partner due to not believing that love exists, one where I value small acts of kindness over anything, fuck it I really wish I had a gun or just SN right now, I wish my parents would see suicide as something compassionate and not sad, I wish they didn't resist suicide and instead try to find fallible/illusory sources of hope on Earth. I hope if ever I die someone from here tries to convince them to suicide, of course they would find that very insulting but I wish they could realize that suicide isn't "crazy", maybe it is to them I have the unharmonious neurobiosystem that makes me unable to continue life propagation. I think that I am always thinking of things I don't like that happen in the world. "There is no good or bad, thinking makes it so." I want out of here, I don't want to continue trying without seeing any reason why, I wish people were nicer to people with disabilities and didn't think it was some huge attack against their ego to even speak to them, I feel very sad and I feel like everyone is alone, consciousness is never satisfied, I hope my parents interpret suicide as the bridge out of some unknown unfamiliar unsafe place and into I don't know where (duh). I'm really selfish in my writing, very verbose and rambling. I perceive dying as a hug. I wish anti-matter bombs existed, but they don't, and probably won't in the next 5 centuries. I don't care anymore for seeing how things work, or building things, or trying to find novel ideas which I rarely ever act on. I understand I am limited. I accept that and embrace that. I just don't need a reason anymore. I don't need a why, I don't need a reason to trust my thoughts that go against suicide. I'm just going to unplug. Finding things "cool", like new terms to use or metaphors to create, is not what I'm thinking about when I am about to end my life. Shit it probbaly is. I'm just rambling, I could do this for hours laaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to post this to my profile naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I TRICKED I took double my dosage of Vyvanse hence why so verbose (i normally take 20mg, it's not much), I AM SELF-CENTERED I AM THE BEHOLDER OF THIS GRAVITY FORCE YOU ALL ARE SUBJECT TO, fuck dem I'm out (Jamaica)
I did devise a plan on a possible way of life for me earlier today. It is one that does not involve engaging in anything sexual, one where I am not in any romantic relationship because I have realized that I make a bad partner due to not believing that love exists, one where I value small acts of kindness over anything, fuck it I really wish I had a gun or just SN right now, I wish my parents would see suicide as something compassionate and not sad, I wish they didn't resist suicide and instead try to find fallible/illusory sources of hope on Earth. I hope if ever I die someone from here tries to convince them to suicide, of course they would find that very insulting but I wish they could realize that suicide isn't "crazy", maybe it is to them I have the unharmonious neurobiosystem that makes me unable to continue life propagation. I think that I am always thinking of things I don't like that happen in the world. "There is no good or bad, thinking makes it so." I want out of here, I don't want to continue trying without seeing any reason why, I wish people were nicer to people with disabilities and didn't think it was some huge attack against their ego to even speak to them, I feel very sad and I feel like everyone is alone, consciousness is never satisfied, I hope my parents interpret suicide as the bridge out of some unknown unfamiliar unsafe place and into I don't know where (duh). I'm really selfish in my writing, very verbose and rambling. I perceive dying as a hug. I wish anti-matter bombs existed, but they don't, and probably won't in the next 5 centuries. I don't care anymore for seeing how things work, or building things, or trying to find novel ideas which I rarely ever act on. I understand I am limited. I accept that and embrace that. I just don't need a reason anymore. I don't need a why, I don't need a reason to trust my thoughts that go against suicide. I'm just going to unplug. Finding things "cool", like new terms to use or metaphors to create, is not what I'm thinking about when I am about to end my life. Shit it probbaly is. I'm just rambling, I could do this for hours laaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to post this to my profile naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I TRICKED I took double my dosage of Vyvanse hence why so verbose (i normally take 20mg, it's not much), I AM SELF-CENTERED I AM THE BEHOLDER OF THIS GRAVITY FORCE YOU ALL ARE SUBJECT TO, fuck dem I'm out (Jamaica)
