Venting I wish someone could hold my hand while ctb

[illAF]

Pretty much the title. Someone to be there, to tell me I'm strong, that everything will be alright. To hold my hand until the very last moment.

But obviously, that will never happen. I need to find my own strength and I can't seem to find it, even though I'm telling everyday that today's the day.

I know there's the partner thread. But there are so many risks I don't want to take. Maybe by texting ? I don't know, not sure i would feel at ease with someone I have never met.

Three things are separating me from death now :

- Finding the energy to correctly settle my plan and everything (if I could do it at home, things would be waaaaay easier)
- the fact that I am terrified, really terrified
- being alone.

These three things make me live hell every single day.

I wish someone I cherich could understand and help me.

 

[cloudyskye]

I'm sorry it is really hard because trusting is so dangerous.

 

[illAF]

I'm sorry it is really hard because trusting is so dangerous.

Yeah, at first I thought the partner idea was a good idea. Bit it implicates many things that could simply go wrong.
Maybe a partner by texts, though ? I don't know.

 

[x22]

Pretty much sums up how I feel. I would love to have a partner, but I would never forgive myself if they died alone in the (very very likely) event that I'm too much of a coward to follow through.

 

[ForestGhost]

It really sucks that this awful tragic thing we're all drawn to is something that we (mostly) will have to endure alone. If you're sick or injured, you can always ask a friend or family member for help. But something far more devastating and painful like suicide is a burden you could never hope to lean on a loved one for. At best you might have a like minded stranger at your side, but there are so many risks with that option too.

 

[GoSan1]

Having company in your final minutes can take away anxiety, it doesn't have to be in person. Someone who you can text or call can be enough. It's just about finding the right person.

Either way, hope it doesn't get this far, and if it does, I hope you find your peace.

 

[illAF]

Having company in your final minutes can take away anxiety, it doesn't have to be in person. Someone who you can text or call can be enough. It's just about finding the right person.

Either way, hope it doesn't get this far, and if it does, I hope you find your peace.

I'd like to find that right person. But although I have done many posts on SaSu, I'm not so good at creating bonds, especially with strangers met in the Internet.
Maybe I should have a look again in the partner mega thread though... I don't know.

 

[GoSan1]

I'd like to find that right person. But although I have done many posts on SaSu, I'm not so good at creating bonds, especially with strangers met in the Internet.
Maybe I should have a look again in the partner mega thread though... I don't know.

There is no shame in that, people tend to leave the moment they get to know me. So we all have our weaknesses.
The partner thread is great for finding people to talk to and maybe even commit it together. I have met some kind people through it too...

 

[glassbottom]

I agree. I have a friend who said they would stay with me but… there's no way I could ask that. There's just no way I could do that to them and am planning on talking to them about how little they can actually be involved. But it sucks because yes. I want them with me. I don't want to be alone.

 

[illAF]

Just made a post in the partner megathread. Not to ctb together but maybe to create a bond by texts and help each other. To me, that stills includes difficulties but yeah, I don't know, I just tried...

 

[GoSan1]

Just made a post in the partner megathread. Not to ctb together but maybe to create a bond by texts and help each other. To me, that stills includes difficulties but yeah, I don't know, I just tried...

That's a big step, congrats. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to dm me. I know how much talking can calm one down.

 

[illAF]

I agree. I have a friend who said they would stay with me but… there's no way I could ask that. There's just no way I could do that to them and am planning on talking to them about how little they can actually be involved. But it sucks because yes. I want them with me. I don't want to be alone.

Totaly understand. Just made a post in the partner megathread for having maybe someone to talk to on the D-Day. But I also understand how hard it could be for one person to "assist" in any way. Well, until death, everything sucks...

 

[sillypuppygirl]

Someone to be there, to tell me I'm strong, that everything will be alright. To hold my hand until the very last moment.

wow yeah. i would really really love that. if it was normalised i know my partner would do that for me. </3

 

[failedmind]

i know the feeling. i wish my mom could hold me while i ctb. i think of that so much but know it could never, ever happen.

 

[dawnixxloxxt]

i get this, i want to be held my girlfriend when i go. i just wanna die peacefully, held by her in the snow, that's always been the dream.

 

[outrider567]

Pretty much the title. Someone to be there, to tell me I'm strong, that everything will be alright. To hold my hand until the very last moment.

But obviously, that will never happen. I need to find my own strength and I can't seem to find it, even though I'm telling everyday that today's the day.

I know there's the partner thread. But there are so many risks I don't want to take. Maybe by texting ? I don't know, not sure i would feel at ease with someone I have never met.

Three things are separating me from death now :

- Finding the energy to correctly settle my plan and everything (if I could do it at home, things would be waaaaay easier)
- the fact that I am terrified, really terrified
- being alone.

These three things make me live hell every single day.

I wish someone I cherich could understand and help me.

Too risky to have a partner physically near you--If a partner, even if similarily depressed, sees something where you might be suffering while CTB'ing, they may stop it

 

[nomoredolor]

I was privileged to have my best friend on the phone during my attempt. I wish I had died very much. It meant the world to me. I think when I actually die I won't have anyone physically there but I will pretend they are there in my head and heart. I completely understand what you mean, I also want someone to hold my hand and/ or hold me in the end. But I don't want to put that burden on another again.

It's partially why having someone else kill me is such an attractive option. I just wish I could trust someone to do that without the major risks involved.

Sending love
Anna