Venting I wish to plan my death

[Kimlett]

I've been in this last depressive episode for more than 2 years (felt like 4). I'm insisting with therapy and meds but it seems like it will never end at this point.

I don't know anymore if the world is getting worse or not because most people around me are thriving and i'm struggling. I'm trying to stop craving a decent home to rent while my friends are thinking about buying houses. Anyway I can't trust being able to keep a job for more than 2-3 years so I definitely shouldn't buy a house.

My job is boring and I hate it, and I'm thinking about studying again but I'm terrified I'll make the same mistake and end up in a job field I hate again. I don't like anything enough to do it everyday except sleeping. I don't want to work, I don't give a fuck if I'm fired.

I have lost interest in almost everything for a long time. I manage to draw sometimes. I force myself to go outside although I don't feel good with my friends anymore.

I have a family, some friends and a partner. Why is that not enough? My fucking brain. I feel like this world is hell and I can't breathe and fast food is the only thing that makes me able to breath again. I'm more obese than ever but I don't know how to stop.

I just want to plan my suicide and write suicide notes and do everything I can to make it as easy as possible to my loved ones. I have no future, I reached the top, it's just more of this or worse until I die, it makes no sense...

Thanks for reading my vent. I appreciate any feedback.

 

[aipuweth]

I think you should eat less fast food or if you can, completely stop eating. Being obese is really a torture, to be honest I've never experienced to being that fat and I don't want to. I can't even imagine that. This is my only advice. Hope you get better.

 

[Kimlett]

I think you should eat less fast food or if you can, completely stop eating. Being obese is really a torture, to be honest I've never experienced to being that fat and I don't want to. I can't even imagine that. This is my only advice. Hope you get better.

Thanks but that's what I've been trying to do my whole life, I'm addicted to food and therapists don't seem to know how to help me

 

[cryone]

don't starve yourself. unlike what others opponents will say, it is actually very much sustainable and possible...i've met tons of people who've lived yrs off of vitamins n like a small meal every few days. but did it solve any of their issues? absolutely not. their life was equally as miserable, if not worse.

my tips on losing fat and weight would just be the regular: workout, do a calorie deficit, and eat lots of protein. avoid turning to fast food immediately if you can. find other forms of comfort, eat home-made meals with your significant other, or eat out somewhere nicer if you have the money. after a while, you'll have a built-in instinct to eat healthier. you could also try incentivizing yourself by punishment or reward. a punishment would go something like: "if i eat fast food today I have to give my friend 10 bucks."

I have no future, I reached the top, it's just more of this or worse until I die, it makes no sense...

i disagree with this. if anything, haven't you reached rock bottom? i doubt this is the peak of your life if you've been stuck in a depressive episode. i only see up from here.

honestly, writing suicide notes could be beneficial, especially if you believe you are on the verge of CTBing. it helped me notice that i still had ppl who cared abt me. and i would hate to go without having anything written. however, if you're not exactly on the verge, it def could pull you into a dark hole.

best wishes to you. life is difficult and emotions r annoyingly volatile. i hope only the best for you