Story I won’t be able to recover atp and that’s okay

[cicadafriend]

tw for SA and harassment.

Was in college up until this Spring. I developed strong feelings for a friend but told them that I wanted to recover from my suicidal ideation and stabilize my moods before starting a relationship. Still, they ended up coming over to my place one night and I was way too inebriated to remember what happened or probably even express a coherent thought. I realized the next morning that they weren't also inebriated and I felt like shit, was in a lot of physical pain too but hid it because I really really liked this person. Then a few days later they showed up to a party I was at and ended up getting black out drunk. After everyone left they kind of half laid, half touched me in super uncomfortable areas and I called my roommate for help in getting them back to their dorm. I felt extremely guilty for not being able to give them the relationship they wanted.
Meanwhile a few members of my ex's frat would follow me up to the street I lived on a few times and walk really close behind me whenever I was out around campus. I started staying in my dorm all the time and missed a lot of classes and lost 10 lbs from not being able to go out.

This caused me to regress extremely in progress I'd made in my ptsd treatment. My body aches constantly and I get nightmares and panic attacks more consistently. The prognosis for sexual trauma is kinda dim anyways. But I realized that having the option to CTB is kind of invaluable for individuals like me. This forum is a gem because people here seem to understand the importance of bodily/emotional/spiritual autonomy. My CTB date is coming up soon and planning it is the only peace I experience anymore.
Thanks if you've read this far and best of luck to everyone.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so relieved to be leaving, it sounds so awful what you've had to endure. I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[cicadafriend]

I understand why you would feel so relieved to be leaving, it sounds so awful what you've had to endure. I wish you the best with your plans.

Thank you, and best of luck to you

 

[UsagiDrop]

This sucks to read because I had a very similar experience in college. I got SA'd and then when word got around, I was targeted, stalked, suffered attempted and successful attacks again, and etc. During those times I wished that I was the only person in the world who went through something like that. I felt alone, but there was comfort in that because I thought that nobody else would feel how I felt. Every time I read a similar story it breaks my heart. I wish you would have never had to have gone through what you went through.

Unfortunately I have to agree that the prognosis for people like us is extremely grim. Several years removed from that experience and sometimes I still feel like I'm still in the middle of it. I've had to move and people are still somehow trying to keep tabs on me because they think it's funny. I can agree that the option of ctb is relieving; it's the only feeling of control and safety we have in a life that has been ripped from our hands and sent off the rails. We can never be the person we used to be before our traumas. We'll always have to live with it and I don't blame anyone for choosing not to.

That being said,

I felt extremely guilty for not being able to give them the relationship they wanted.

I hope that you won't feel guilt over not being able to give them what they wanted, especially when they've taken what they've wanted for themselves or have attempted to do so with seemingly no guilt for the act on their part. The relationship they wanted with you was probably not going to be healthy or ideal to begin with, sadly. A lot of people in this world are awful like that. You gave what you could have and had intentions on doing the responsible thing before being with them. In the first place, it was not your responsibility to give them what they wanted.

Wishing you luck and I hope that you find the peace you need, by any means necessary.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm so sorry that had to happen to you, I understand why you want to ctb, this world is truly disgusting.

I hope your able to find peace in life or death

 

[cicadafriend]

I'm so sorry that had to happen to you, I understand why you want to ctb, this world is truly disgusting.

I hope your able to find peace in life or death

Thank you for understanding