Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
Why I am ending my life:
Goodbye everyone. Here is my suicide note for when I actually get the courage to kill myself. Profilers and mental health professionals say life is a gift. They should speak for themselves. Life is NOT a gift. A GIFT is free, a GIFT is something you actually WANT. This life costs money and NOT worth paying for. I only pay for GOOD experiences. but it seems I've been force to pay for other people's misdeeds. When I was in kindergarten, my brothers pissed me off and I was sent to some mental place and it was a punishment, never left, was treated like shit.
The next one I got beat up. The medications they stuffed me with caused even more problems, I had continuous nightmares and it became a problem. These charecters would do cruel things to me like dip a needle in colored poisens and cut my fingers with it, shoot my teeth out, or flatten me with a flattener. Heres are a few examples of the dreams:
1. I was dozing off one night. It was of my christain elementary school princiapl. She was sitting on my bed, and I didn't know why. Then everything buzzed and vibrated uncontollably, I was overcome by intense colorful flashing static and it kept cutting off and I heard a voice scream "THE MEAN QUEEN!" and the vibration became so strong that I became paralyzed. Her eyes grew bigger and she started laughing this creepy laugh. Then I woke up out of breath and it started again. This time the voice screamed even louder. "THE MEAN QUEEN!" I woke up out of breath and my mom asked, "Are you ok?" but I couldn't answer. The voice screamed one last time, "THE MEAN QUEEN!" her eyes grew even bigger, until they exploded out of her face and her entire face turned into a featureless tan blob with curly blonde hair. This left me shakey and out of breath.
2. I dreamt of a villain called the seedy weedy head. The evil scientist. He took me an underground lab. It was white and inflatable. There was blue, green, yellow, red and orange fluid on the ground, along with some blood. He strapped me to an experiment table. Laughed and started poking me with knives and needles. He injected me with the colored poisons. He dipped a thin metal blade in the colored poisons and slid it through my fingertips and wrists. He did more experiments with my blood and the poisonous liquids. My blood was mixing with it on the white inflatable vinyel floor. The blood and poisens spread on this surface, much like a dry erase marker would on plastic There were puddles forming. Vivid colors and lights flashed, vibrated and buzzed as I panicked. Oddly, my dream transported me to the library, where a weird fact sheet printed by itself. The narrator read it, and there were weird facts about wire girl in it.
3. I dreamt about a character called wire girl. I didn't name her, it was just known that that was her name. The first time she showed up in my dream, I escaped her, by hiding in a trash can. She looked around for me and then left. The dream setting took place in a local community center pool. The second time, I wasn't so lucky. She cut my brothers head in half and glared at me with her pure evil, fire eyes. We came face to face, she was taller than me, by a few inches and had a metal structure protected by about an inch of thick plastic coating. All her internal organs were visible underneath it. Some of the organs glowed. Her face looked a lot like the iron giant. But her mouth looked like the villion "Gloomyouse maximouse" from popular kids show "rolly polly ollie". I tried to fight her, but she chased me out of the pool and into a succluded area. I screamed, "Mom….HELP!" but my wire girl scared my mom away. I was alone with wire girl. Then I was paralyzed by a indescribably strong magnetic force and wire girl turned the air red.And music and alarms strated playing. The song, "Don't do something' danerouse thats really really BAD!...Don't do something dangerouse that's REALLY, REALLY BAD" and then alarms started playing so loud loud that I thought I would have a seizure. And wire girl sank her teeth into me and ate me. I felt all of it too. It kind of tickled uncomfortably. Everything went pitch black and I was screaming for help, but my voice wasn't loud enough and kept getting quiter. Wire girl took it away. I landed super hard.
These dreams disrupted me sleep greatly and made me tired for school everyday.
Later in elementary school, 6th grade I couldn't learn the material because i wasn't smart enough. I shut down and drew. the principal and nun were super mean.
She seemed to take pleasure in making me feel small, espcially. When she yelled at me, she made sure that she made me cry, and smiled all grinch- like afterwards. She sometimes did this in front of my classmates or infront of others in the hall. She was always humiliating me. She was meanest when we were alone or when people who could do something weren't paying attention. She did small things to taunt me and get a rise out of me. Probably to make it look like she had the right to yell at me. For example, one day I was walking in the hall with Mrs. Follis. Mrs. Watson stopped to talk with her. She greeted us with her superficial charm, "Why hello! How are we this afternoon?" She and Mrs.Follis talked for a few minutes. When Mrs. Follis wasn't looking, Mrs. Watson glared at me and stuck her tongue out. When I told Mrs. Follis, she said, "I'm sure she was just kidding!" But I knew better.
The bullying only got worse. One day, I drew in class, and my teacher called Mrs. Watson. She showed up an hour later. By that time I wasn't even drawing. I heard her behind me, she bent down, put her mouth to my ear, so close it tickled and whispered, "I know what you did ...!" I felt so violated. I was FURIOUS! I turned around and said to her, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!". She was always in my face yelling or invading my personal space. It was this day that I decided that I didn't want to be physically touched by anyone ever again. Mrs.Kinkade would try to get me to hug her, but I usally refused. Oneday, she brought in a geode and said, "You can only have this if you give me a hug first." She ment well, but it made me super uncomfortable.
A few weeks later, my teacher announced that we were going to Wildwood.(A nature based obstacle course type camp) But the mean principal, Mrs. Watson banned me from going, because They were afraid that I would wander off and search for caterpillars. My mom and I were furious. My mom and Mrs.Brun(kind christain school resource teacher) explained, "mrs.++++ could go, and if not, that's why we have shaperons." But they still banned me. That made me hate them even more.
Whenever Mrs.Watson upset me, I talked about it with the resource teacher and my favorite person in the world, Mrs.Brun. She stood up for me every time.
Then she asked me, "Are you ready to go back to class?" Mrs.Brun was always standing up for me, know matter the cost. A few weeks later, we had state testing. Strangely, Mrs. Watson had been very nice. She had even offered me butterfly cakes as a reward for finishing my test. If I didn't know her, I would have thought she felt bad. I went into her office with Mrs. Follis. She was wearing the ugliest brownish-purple floral hawian dress, with big poofy sleeves and a lace collar, it also had a rope vest to go with it. She asked, "Do you like my dress? I wore it just for you…" She seemed like she was being genuinely nice, but something felt...off. It almost seemed a bit passive aggressive. I was nauseated at both the dress and the situation. I managed to say, "......um...it's ok…" Mrs. Watson looked at me as if she didn't believe me. I wasn't sure if she was egging me on or not. I convinced her, "No...really...it's ok..." I told Mrs. Follis, "I think I need to go to the bathroom."
I found out later that day, Mrs. Watson had been bullying my mentor and past first grade teacher, Mrs.D the entire year and had been especially cruel to her that week. As a result, Mrs.D had announced she was leaving. Mrs. Watson told the entire school at the assembly, smiling cheerfully the entire time. It hit me, that's why she was in such a great mood, that's why she was being so nice. I saw Mrs.D later that day, she really trying to keep it together, but I could tell she had been crying and she looked very stressed. I immediately felt sick.
As usual, I went to Mrs.Brun, but she said she wasn't feeling well. I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "My colitis is acting up, I think it's from all the stress Watson has been causing me...It's either going to come out one end or the other...I need to go home." I could tell she had also been crying. The next week, Mrs. Watson asked my mom to sign a form that would let my brother have his picture taken. It was for an assignment. Mrs.D and my mom knew she was up to something. My mom told her no. But Mrs. Watson persisted, "If you don't sign the form, then your child won't be able to display his picture, he'll be the only one...and you don't want to miss out on those precious memories do you?" My mom reluctantly agreed.
The next week, Mrs. Watson antagonized me, until I snapped. She had been in my face and in my space all week. I drew in class and she took me out in the hall, bent down and yelled in my face, "...DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" And she had come to the class to observe. I was tired and had been sitting for awhile. I decided to stretch. I didn't notice that, I was still holding my pencil. I accidentally had the sharp end pointed towards my classmate, T.J. Mrs.Watson took me out in the hall and into her office. And yelled at me. She accused me of trying to harm T.J. I explained, "I didn't mean to hurt him! It was an accident!" She just said emotionlessly, "I don't believe you." I kept trying to convince her. But she wouldn't listen.
I started to cry, and Mrs.Watson smiled this satisfied grinch like smile. Almost like she had accomplished something. She had been a huge bitch to me all week. I was getting really mad and stressed. Mrs.Brun had said, "Don't let her get the best of you. SHE'S NOT WORTH IT!" When she saw me she hissed in a passive agressive manor, "Why...hello Iss-a-bell MY-zer…" She was always passive agressive and creepy. I didn't feel well when I was around her. I needed to breathe. I drew in class to calm me down. But I got in trouble again. Mrs. Watson came into the room. This time with a camera. I was terrified! I felt violated and harrased. I got under my desk. It was the best way I could escape her glare. She glared at me again and I stuck my tongue out at her. She deserved it. Her camera flashed. She snapped a picture. Furious, I confronted her in the hall. I asked her, "What did you do that for?!" She hissed at me, "Because, I'm the principal and I'M ALLOWED!" I tried to get the camera from her, but she wouldn't budge. I pulled harder, and eventually, I got it. I threw it in the trash. She had NO right to take MY picture. Manipulating my mom into signing a form didn't count. But then Mrs. Watson threatened me, "If you throw that camera away, I'll call the police!" I grabbed it out of the trash and said, "FINE! TAKE IT!" It turns out shed munipulated my moom into signing that form by saying my brother wouldn't get to participate in some class project that required a picture to be taken of him. Mrs.d, my mom, mrs.brun and I were furiouse. they all went to her angrily and she bullied them too.
When I got home from school, I told my mom. She was furious and demanded a meeting with Mrs. Watson. My mom tried to get Mrs.Watson to give her the pictures back, but she wouldn't. So she said, "At least apologize to my daughter." But Mrs. Watson said, "I'd apologize if I did something wrong." My parents tried to tell her that she was wrong. But she wouldn't listen. My mom finally said, "Lets just agree to disagree." Mrs.Brun was mad too. She also stood up for me. She would always tell Mrs.Watson off. Of course it was in private. As a result, Mrs. Watson was even meaner to Mrs.Brun. And started low-grade harassing her. Stuff like, spreading negative rumors about her, parking really close to her, and turning teachers and staff against her. Passive agressive behaviors.
I had seen the way Mrs. Watson black mailed, and yelled at Mrs.Brun, and how she treated Meg and her siblings. I remember one day, Mrs. Watson refused to let Angie in, just for the fun of it. All Angie was doing was bringing Mrs.Brun lunch. Being the nice person she is, Mrs.Brun never said anything bad about anyone. Or at least not what she wanted to say. The worst thing I have heard her say, is when she called the school nun, Sister Petra a, "character".
What had sister petra done? She tripped 2 middle schoolers in the cafeteria. This wasn't just something I heard about. I was there. Towards the end of lunch, middle schoolers were allowed to get seconds. So sister petra rang the bell and said, "Alright 7th and 8th graders, you can come up and get seconds and thirds! No running!" But some of them ran anyways. So sister petra yelled again, "I SAID NO RUNNING!" But they continued to run. So she screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE RUN OR I'M GONNA TRIP YOU!"and lunged forward, sticking her foot out. A 7th grade girl and boy, were tripped by her foot. The girls name was Jacinta, she was the older sister of a boy in my grade. I forget the boy's name and face.They both wobbled forward, but caught themselves. This got everyone's attention. The whole cafeteria dropped everything and gasped. An awkward silence fell, and everyone laughed. It was horrible.
Yes, this was bad and you may be wondering, what did she do to Mrs.Brun? Sometimes,when sister petra didn't have cafeteria duty, she blocked Mrs.Brun's doorway to prevent her from going to lunch. All 400lbs of her. I had heard about it and seen it before. Once, when I tried to go talk to Mrs.Brun about something, sister Petra was standing there, I had said politely, "Excuse me." and tried to scoot by, but she ignored me and kept talking so loud that it was obnoxious. When I complained to Mrs.Brun, she gave me a knowing look and said, "I know... just leave it alone." Later that day, I went to get a drink, Mrs.Follis came with me. I stopped to look at the trophy case. Mrs.Follis said, "It's time to go back to class." I had gotten caught up in reading all of the awards and admiring all of them. She continued. "Lets go!" I said, "Hang on, I'm trying to read this." Sister Petra was watching the whole thing and screamed at me at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE SO FULL OF HATE!........" Luckily, Mrs.Bruns friend/assistant, Mrs.Spontain stood up for me and said, "Come on Isabelle, this doesn't look like a good situation, lets go." It all made me so mad, I didn't know what to say. She and Mrs.Brun both tried to calm me down. I went home early that day. I felt sick.
I hated being pushed around by Mrs.Watson and sister petra. It was just as bad watching the administration push Mrs.Brun around I was at their mercy, they could be as mean as they wanted to me, and nothing would happen. But GOD FORBID I stand up for myself or sink to their level, because SOMEHOW that was different. When I did, they made sure there were people watching, so I would look bad. It was their way of controlling me. It made feel almost as bad when they were mean to Mrs.Brun.
I ended up leaving private school before the end of 6th grade. I got shipped somewhere to get my medications adjusted after my dad and I got into a fight and HE pulled my hair and i punched him. I left in a hurry, and didn't get to say good-bye to my public school resource teacher(I wen for accademic help), or any of my classmates. I went to get another medication adjustment, but had to leave, because they couldn't keep me as long. I went to another place, while waiting for a spot to open up at the long term place. It really sucked, they were really mean there. I had to ASK everytime I wanted to yawn, stretch or move my leg. This one lady was always yelling at eveyone. She even refused to let this one little boy celebrate his birthday with his mom. I really hated her guts. At night, I had to sleep on a folded blanket instead of a pillow. When I asked for a pillow, and explaoned that all I got was a folded up blanket they said coldly, "If all you got was blankets, then thats what you get!"
Whenever I (or anyone) moved trying to get to sleep, an alarm went off. And the night shift staffscreamed, "STOP MOVING!" That place terrified me. Luckily, I got transfered to the long term place. It was summer by this time. I had to do summer school with a bunch of problematic people, including one kid that WOULD NOT stop pulling the fire alarm. The girls were bitches, not really in a psyco way, just the typical mean girls thing.
I was still very angry about what had happend at Holy Spirit. With everything going on, I started to become less and less myself. I really just stopped caring. I wore mismatched thrift store clothes, never took showers or baths, never brushed my hair or teeth. I laughed and talked loudly, and said random stuff at school and when I went with my mom to Oak Park. I put on a fake smile and over compensated by acting crazy, just to hide my misery. (My medications and hormones were still clashing.) Besides that it wasn't even in her job description anymore. And why work harder than you have too?! She wouldn't have believed me about Mrs.Watson anyways.
Besides that, my medications constantly interacted and I was sick every night. I hated school, I hated my classmates and teachers, and I hated God and I hated Mrs.Watson.
Meanwhile, I hated the new school even more than Holy Spirit. Everyone there was a terrible person. I was bullied everyday by my classmates, Chad and Reid. But I stood up for myself each time, and told them to go to hell. They never did get the message. I hated them as much as Mrs. Watson and wanted them dead. Needless to say, I gave up on any part I had in my parents religion. God had failed me, and come to think of it, he was never really there for me to begin with. I had suffered because of HIS school, and whatever he did to me to make me the way I am.
My classmates were all assholes and most of my teachers were boring and humorless. I was fucking bored and wanted to pull a prank. We literally did nothing all day except word searches and occasionally some math, which I got limited help on. We actually did some work in science, but the teacher, mrs.Hauser was a bitch and always judged me for making jokes, despite my taking an interest and working hard. She seemed to favor the kids that were rude to me and didn't care that they were. everyone else got annoyed with my care free attitude and some staff and students genuinely hated my guts.
Everyday at my new school was a nightmare. The school was old and wreacked of suer and the kids were horrible. We had 2 horsof P.E everyday, which I HATED. It was me against all boys, a weird lady teacher, who was actually nice, just kind of creepy and 2 sexist and somewhat rude male p.e teachers who seemed to low key believe that males were better. I felt so uncomfortable in that class, and tried to sleep in extra late in hopes of missing it.
8th grade was the worst year of my life. The bullying had escalated, and I hated people more than ever. Chad was at his worst, he was always taunting me. What had I ever done to him? One day after school, he put his hands in the shape of a gun and pointed it at my head. I yelled at him, " What the hell Chad?! I SWEAR TO GOD! IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF…" But he wouldn't listen. All he said was, "What are you going to do?!.. That's what I thought!" I hated everyone my age from then on. They were all either spoiled or, assholes and bitches, and those were their GOOD qualities. As for Chad, my science teacher suspended him and asked me if I was ok. He was a really nice guy. Funny too. An adult I trusted. Infact, my teachers were a lot nicer that year, but after all that had happened, there was just something I couldn't trust in adults... They were always abusing their authority for gain.
When Chad came back, his rudeness continued, he was always yelling insults at me, "Chubby Baby! Do you do everything the teacher says?! I bet you still take baths! I bet you're gonna cry!" Usually I responded with something like, "So what if I do?! Why is that any of your business?!" But this time I had something better. I yelled the meanest thing I could think of, "HEY CHAD?! IF I WAS YOUR MOM, I WOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU!" Everyone in the hall stared at me speechless. Including Chad, who tried to come up with another insult, but nothing could top that. I felt a sense of pride. And I truly wished she had aborted him. People like him are a waste of space on this planet. They never change either.
The whole world had turned its back on me. I hated people more and more everyday. No one offered me any comfort. When I complained, I was called negative or told, "That's just the way things are." Did ANYONE care? I had a social worker who annoyed the crap out of me, and was condescending as fuck, and then she left and I got another one. This bitch tried to force my mom into letting her come over and do in home sessions. I didn't exactly like her, she was just too perky and very annoying. I ended up having to go back to the stupid mental health facility. This time to be bullied physically.
This really fat girl would punch me and like one other kid for literally no reason and make the excuse that she was schizophrenic and do it again and again and again. One time she fucking pulled my hair and got on top of me infront of my mom and brother, charlie. I me, who does this bitch think she is? She clearly did that on purpose. I was thinking of getting a 5-10 lbs weight and hitting her in the head with it, while she was asleep. But the staff were RIGHT THERE and would have seen me do it.
Then I got stuffed with medications that made me throw up every night. The anger I gave my parents got them mad and then cps got involved, I almost got taken away TWICE thanks to my therapist who is SUPPOSED to be understanding. I will ALWAYS be paying for other peoples mistakes. Now my body suffers from long term problems due to stress. I also find I don't enjoy anything without a consequence. Even pleasures I try to have create more problems later.
I became suicidal in highschool and my only friend at the school stopped being my friend because her parents said that i was a bad example. later down the road my bestfriend did the same thing but it was 100% HER CHOICE AND she befriended ALL of MY friends.
Hows adult life?! HORRIBLE.
I'm retarded and work MY ASS OFF. It never pays off. I can't even do a simple part time job and get put down for it or demoted to cleaning carts, or giving something else simple that I CAN do and HATE. Just so I can fulfil my friends wishes to go out to eat, which only makes me fat because I have NO metabolism. My apatite is through the roof, but food only causes problems. I deal with painful ibs, pcos and low thyroid. I'm in discomfort on most days. My body is tired and weak, I'm bloated and fat. My face is puffy, my stomach feels like it's being forced open wider than it can go and spasming in weird places. My back hurts, my ribs feel pushed out of place, from lack of relief. my stomach, and overies feel stuffed with salt, gunk and splinters. My bladder and kidneys feel ready to burst, but I can't pee or have to strain until I see stars. I feel like I have a UTI off and on, I hurt from everything in that place. I'm so tired, crabby and irritable, there is no relief, I want to cry and scream. Venting only will get me locked up again. Does that sound like someone who is in any shape to live life?! But what's it matter, my problems are embarrassing and I only feel pain that I feel weird talking about. To my doctors, I was just a hypochondriac.
NO ONE listened to me until I skipped FOUR periods and I had to deal with this at my job before I quit. I was screamed at and treated poorly everyday because I can't learn anything or do the job. I will never be able to make it on my own or at least not without more misery. I'm probably going to die anyways if I tried.
Nothing I ever do pays off and people only want me here because it brings THEM pleasure, but when it stops being fun for them they just move on without a second thought. Those who actually give me a chance try to force me to be this peppy, happy, inspiration, came from trauma energy. But when I'm not "positive" enough for them or I take THEIR energy or "can't move on" then THEY do. Even if I listen to THEM. They just take. People are nothing more than fucking parasites that suck the energy out of me and move on. The discusting little slime balls just can't have a bit of my unhappiness ruining their mediocre everyday lives, because we ALL have our struggles and EVERYTHING is SO HARD for THEM. Because our problems are totally worth comparing. Everyone is tired of my unhappiness clouding THEIR life. They act like they care, but its conditional, so they really don't. Otherwise they wouldn't take advantage of me like that, they just leave me with my problems and walk away more selfish than ever. Well, I am stuck with those problems and what they just did to me. But SOMEHOW its wrong if I want an escape?! That's how much people care. Just about themselves. By existing, I'm just giving into their selfish wishes. If I die they can't benefit from my suffering any longer and I won't have to deal with it. I also won't make anyone elses's life worse. I have to go through this in front of my dad and brothers and my mom is sick of hearing about it and exhausted from trying to bring me relief. Now I might go to jail because I hit my dad for calling the cops on me when I was in pain. I just wanted life to be over.
Are you still thinking of YOURSELF while listening to MY sob story?! Want to hear something "POSITIVE'' ?! Is that what you're wanting?! OK. FINE, I don't see what the problem is, i'm pretty much suffering for you continuously anyway, what's one more drop in the bucket?!. HERE'S SOMETHING POSITIVE: At least when it's OVER things will balance out and I won't have to deal with the bad. There's the Justice! SEE?! THERE. I was "POSITIVE" is everyone ELSE happy?! Because THAT'S what REALLY matters. Right?!
There's a lot of debate on the "afterlife" I DO have something to say about it. If I die I don't want to be punished for reacting to this terrible life or wanting it to be over, and if I'm wrong and there really IS some "loving god" that entity BETTER cut me some slack, it will make up for NEVER helping. if there is a god, I'm doing HIS/HER?THEIR job. I hear this complaints about stupid christian god saying he died on the cross for others so we should all worship him or else. Well, first off, if that story is true it sounds like it was HIS choice. I didn't chose this and I would argue I basically bow down to other people and suffered a whole lot more than HE did. You don't see me asking others to bow down or "go to hell". WHEREs MY REWARD?! WHERE'S MY CROWN?! I would hope if I kill myself, I get the whole other reality of good, but I don't think there is one. It's all a scam. I know from research, experience and reading other people's revival stories that either there's no god or that entity has favorites. NDEs happen to random people and most revives see and experience NOTHING.
I'm pretty sure there really is no god or other dimension. I think you're just done experiencing, which is better than a bad experience. People always tell me, "well if you die you won't experience any pleasure either." Is that some kind of joke?!
I HATE MY LIFE! I DON'T feel connected to anyone or anything and I can't feel pleasure anymore. Lets just let me die before things get bad again. If anyone has any painless methods let me know.
Goodbye everyone. Here is my suicide note for when I actually get the courage to kill myself. Profilers and mental health professionals say life is a gift. They should speak for themselves. Life is NOT a gift. A GIFT is free, a GIFT is something you actually WANT. This life costs money and NOT worth paying for. I only pay for GOOD experiences. but it seems I've been force to pay for other people's misdeeds. When I was in kindergarten, my brothers pissed me off and I was sent to some mental place and it was a punishment, never left, was treated like shit.
The next one I got beat up. The medications they stuffed me with caused even more problems, I had continuous nightmares and it became a problem. These charecters would do cruel things to me like dip a needle in colored poisens and cut my fingers with it, shoot my teeth out, or flatten me with a flattener. Heres are a few examples of the dreams:
1. I was dozing off one night. It was of my christain elementary school princiapl. She was sitting on my bed, and I didn't know why. Then everything buzzed and vibrated uncontollably, I was overcome by intense colorful flashing static and it kept cutting off and I heard a voice scream "THE MEAN QUEEN!" and the vibration became so strong that I became paralyzed. Her eyes grew bigger and she started laughing this creepy laugh. Then I woke up out of breath and it started again. This time the voice screamed even louder. "THE MEAN QUEEN!" I woke up out of breath and my mom asked, "Are you ok?" but I couldn't answer. The voice screamed one last time, "THE MEAN QUEEN!" her eyes grew even bigger, until they exploded out of her face and her entire face turned into a featureless tan blob with curly blonde hair. This left me shakey and out of breath.
2. I dreamt of a villain called the seedy weedy head. The evil scientist. He took me an underground lab. It was white and inflatable. There was blue, green, yellow, red and orange fluid on the ground, along with some blood. He strapped me to an experiment table. Laughed and started poking me with knives and needles. He injected me with the colored poisons. He dipped a thin metal blade in the colored poisons and slid it through my fingertips and wrists. He did more experiments with my blood and the poisonous liquids. My blood was mixing with it on the white inflatable vinyel floor. The blood and poisens spread on this surface, much like a dry erase marker would on plastic There were puddles forming. Vivid colors and lights flashed, vibrated and buzzed as I panicked. Oddly, my dream transported me to the library, where a weird fact sheet printed by itself. The narrator read it, and there were weird facts about wire girl in it.
3. I dreamt about a character called wire girl. I didn't name her, it was just known that that was her name. The first time she showed up in my dream, I escaped her, by hiding in a trash can. She looked around for me and then left. The dream setting took place in a local community center pool. The second time, I wasn't so lucky. She cut my brothers head in half and glared at me with her pure evil, fire eyes. We came face to face, she was taller than me, by a few inches and had a metal structure protected by about an inch of thick plastic coating. All her internal organs were visible underneath it. Some of the organs glowed. Her face looked a lot like the iron giant. But her mouth looked like the villion "Gloomyouse maximouse" from popular kids show "rolly polly ollie". I tried to fight her, but she chased me out of the pool and into a succluded area. I screamed, "Mom….HELP!" but my wire girl scared my mom away. I was alone with wire girl. Then I was paralyzed by a indescribably strong magnetic force and wire girl turned the air red.And music and alarms strated playing. The song, "Don't do something' danerouse thats really really BAD!...Don't do something dangerouse that's REALLY, REALLY BAD" and then alarms started playing so loud loud that I thought I would have a seizure. And wire girl sank her teeth into me and ate me. I felt all of it too. It kind of tickled uncomfortably. Everything went pitch black and I was screaming for help, but my voice wasn't loud enough and kept getting quiter. Wire girl took it away. I landed super hard.
These dreams disrupted me sleep greatly and made me tired for school everyday.
Later in elementary school, 6th grade I couldn't learn the material because i wasn't smart enough. I shut down and drew. the principal and nun were super mean.
She seemed to take pleasure in making me feel small, espcially. When she yelled at me, she made sure that she made me cry, and smiled all grinch- like afterwards. She sometimes did this in front of my classmates or infront of others in the hall. She was always humiliating me. She was meanest when we were alone or when people who could do something weren't paying attention. She did small things to taunt me and get a rise out of me. Probably to make it look like she had the right to yell at me. For example, one day I was walking in the hall with Mrs. Follis. Mrs. Watson stopped to talk with her. She greeted us with her superficial charm, "Why hello! How are we this afternoon?" She and Mrs.Follis talked for a few minutes. When Mrs. Follis wasn't looking, Mrs. Watson glared at me and stuck her tongue out. When I told Mrs. Follis, she said, "I'm sure she was just kidding!" But I knew better.
The bullying only got worse. One day, I drew in class, and my teacher called Mrs. Watson. She showed up an hour later. By that time I wasn't even drawing. I heard her behind me, she bent down, put her mouth to my ear, so close it tickled and whispered, "I know what you did ...!" I felt so violated. I was FURIOUS! I turned around and said to her, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!". She was always in my face yelling or invading my personal space. It was this day that I decided that I didn't want to be physically touched by anyone ever again. Mrs.Kinkade would try to get me to hug her, but I usally refused. Oneday, she brought in a geode and said, "You can only have this if you give me a hug first." She ment well, but it made me super uncomfortable.
A few weeks later, my teacher announced that we were going to Wildwood.(A nature based obstacle course type camp) But the mean principal, Mrs. Watson banned me from going, because They were afraid that I would wander off and search for caterpillars. My mom and I were furious. My mom and Mrs.Brun(kind christain school resource teacher) explained, "mrs.++++ could go, and if not, that's why we have shaperons." But they still banned me. That made me hate them even more.
Whenever Mrs.Watson upset me, I talked about it with the resource teacher and my favorite person in the world, Mrs.Brun. She stood up for me every time.
Then she asked me, "Are you ready to go back to class?" Mrs.Brun was always standing up for me, know matter the cost. A few weeks later, we had state testing. Strangely, Mrs. Watson had been very nice. She had even offered me butterfly cakes as a reward for finishing my test. If I didn't know her, I would have thought she felt bad. I went into her office with Mrs. Follis. She was wearing the ugliest brownish-purple floral hawian dress, with big poofy sleeves and a lace collar, it also had a rope vest to go with it. She asked, "Do you like my dress? I wore it just for you…" She seemed like she was being genuinely nice, but something felt...off. It almost seemed a bit passive aggressive. I was nauseated at both the dress and the situation. I managed to say, "......um...it's ok…" Mrs. Watson looked at me as if she didn't believe me. I wasn't sure if she was egging me on or not. I convinced her, "No...really...it's ok..." I told Mrs. Follis, "I think I need to go to the bathroom."
I found out later that day, Mrs. Watson had been bullying my mentor and past first grade teacher, Mrs.D the entire year and had been especially cruel to her that week. As a result, Mrs.D had announced she was leaving. Mrs. Watson told the entire school at the assembly, smiling cheerfully the entire time. It hit me, that's why she was in such a great mood, that's why she was being so nice. I saw Mrs.D later that day, she really trying to keep it together, but I could tell she had been crying and she looked very stressed. I immediately felt sick.
As usual, I went to Mrs.Brun, but she said she wasn't feeling well. I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "My colitis is acting up, I think it's from all the stress Watson has been causing me...It's either going to come out one end or the other...I need to go home." I could tell she had also been crying. The next week, Mrs. Watson asked my mom to sign a form that would let my brother have his picture taken. It was for an assignment. Mrs.D and my mom knew she was up to something. My mom told her no. But Mrs. Watson persisted, "If you don't sign the form, then your child won't be able to display his picture, he'll be the only one...and you don't want to miss out on those precious memories do you?" My mom reluctantly agreed.
The next week, Mrs. Watson antagonized me, until I snapped. She had been in my face and in my space all week. I drew in class and she took me out in the hall, bent down and yelled in my face, "...DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" And she had come to the class to observe. I was tired and had been sitting for awhile. I decided to stretch. I didn't notice that, I was still holding my pencil. I accidentally had the sharp end pointed towards my classmate, T.J. Mrs.Watson took me out in the hall and into her office. And yelled at me. She accused me of trying to harm T.J. I explained, "I didn't mean to hurt him! It was an accident!" She just said emotionlessly, "I don't believe you." I kept trying to convince her. But she wouldn't listen.
I started to cry, and Mrs.Watson smiled this satisfied grinch like smile. Almost like she had accomplished something. She had been a huge bitch to me all week. I was getting really mad and stressed. Mrs.Brun had said, "Don't let her get the best of you. SHE'S NOT WORTH IT!" When she saw me she hissed in a passive agressive manor, "Why...hello Iss-a-bell MY-zer…" She was always passive agressive and creepy. I didn't feel well when I was around her. I needed to breathe. I drew in class to calm me down. But I got in trouble again. Mrs. Watson came into the room. This time with a camera. I was terrified! I felt violated and harrased. I got under my desk. It was the best way I could escape her glare. She glared at me again and I stuck my tongue out at her. She deserved it. Her camera flashed. She snapped a picture. Furious, I confronted her in the hall. I asked her, "What did you do that for?!" She hissed at me, "Because, I'm the principal and I'M ALLOWED!" I tried to get the camera from her, but she wouldn't budge. I pulled harder, and eventually, I got it. I threw it in the trash. She had NO right to take MY picture. Manipulating my mom into signing a form didn't count. But then Mrs. Watson threatened me, "If you throw that camera away, I'll call the police!" I grabbed it out of the trash and said, "FINE! TAKE IT!" It turns out shed munipulated my moom into signing that form by saying my brother wouldn't get to participate in some class project that required a picture to be taken of him. Mrs.d, my mom, mrs.brun and I were furiouse. they all went to her angrily and she bullied them too.
When I got home from school, I told my mom. She was furious and demanded a meeting with Mrs. Watson. My mom tried to get Mrs.Watson to give her the pictures back, but she wouldn't. So she said, "At least apologize to my daughter." But Mrs. Watson said, "I'd apologize if I did something wrong." My parents tried to tell her that she was wrong. But she wouldn't listen. My mom finally said, "Lets just agree to disagree." Mrs.Brun was mad too. She also stood up for me. She would always tell Mrs.Watson off. Of course it was in private. As a result, Mrs. Watson was even meaner to Mrs.Brun. And started low-grade harassing her. Stuff like, spreading negative rumors about her, parking really close to her, and turning teachers and staff against her. Passive agressive behaviors.
I had seen the way Mrs. Watson black mailed, and yelled at Mrs.Brun, and how she treated Meg and her siblings. I remember one day, Mrs. Watson refused to let Angie in, just for the fun of it. All Angie was doing was bringing Mrs.Brun lunch. Being the nice person she is, Mrs.Brun never said anything bad about anyone. Or at least not what she wanted to say. The worst thing I have heard her say, is when she called the school nun, Sister Petra a, "character".
What had sister petra done? She tripped 2 middle schoolers in the cafeteria. This wasn't just something I heard about. I was there. Towards the end of lunch, middle schoolers were allowed to get seconds. So sister petra rang the bell and said, "Alright 7th and 8th graders, you can come up and get seconds and thirds! No running!" But some of them ran anyways. So sister petra yelled again, "I SAID NO RUNNING!" But they continued to run. So she screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE RUN OR I'M GONNA TRIP YOU!"and lunged forward, sticking her foot out. A 7th grade girl and boy, were tripped by her foot. The girls name was Jacinta, she was the older sister of a boy in my grade. I forget the boy's name and face.They both wobbled forward, but caught themselves. This got everyone's attention. The whole cafeteria dropped everything and gasped. An awkward silence fell, and everyone laughed. It was horrible.
Yes, this was bad and you may be wondering, what did she do to Mrs.Brun? Sometimes,when sister petra didn't have cafeteria duty, she blocked Mrs.Brun's doorway to prevent her from going to lunch. All 400lbs of her. I had heard about it and seen it before. Once, when I tried to go talk to Mrs.Brun about something, sister Petra was standing there, I had said politely, "Excuse me." and tried to scoot by, but she ignored me and kept talking so loud that it was obnoxious. When I complained to Mrs.Brun, she gave me a knowing look and said, "I know... just leave it alone." Later that day, I went to get a drink, Mrs.Follis came with me. I stopped to look at the trophy case. Mrs.Follis said, "It's time to go back to class." I had gotten caught up in reading all of the awards and admiring all of them. She continued. "Lets go!" I said, "Hang on, I'm trying to read this." Sister Petra was watching the whole thing and screamed at me at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE SO FULL OF HATE!........" Luckily, Mrs.Bruns friend/assistant, Mrs.Spontain stood up for me and said, "Come on Isabelle, this doesn't look like a good situation, lets go." It all made me so mad, I didn't know what to say. She and Mrs.Brun both tried to calm me down. I went home early that day. I felt sick.
I hated being pushed around by Mrs.Watson and sister petra. It was just as bad watching the administration push Mrs.Brun around I was at their mercy, they could be as mean as they wanted to me, and nothing would happen. But GOD FORBID I stand up for myself or sink to their level, because SOMEHOW that was different. When I did, they made sure there were people watching, so I would look bad. It was their way of controlling me. It made feel almost as bad when they were mean to Mrs.Brun.
I ended up leaving private school before the end of 6th grade. I got shipped somewhere to get my medications adjusted after my dad and I got into a fight and HE pulled my hair and i punched him. I left in a hurry, and didn't get to say good-bye to my public school resource teacher(I wen for accademic help), or any of my classmates. I went to get another medication adjustment, but had to leave, because they couldn't keep me as long. I went to another place, while waiting for a spot to open up at the long term place. It really sucked, they were really mean there. I had to ASK everytime I wanted to yawn, stretch or move my leg. This one lady was always yelling at eveyone. She even refused to let this one little boy celebrate his birthday with his mom. I really hated her guts. At night, I had to sleep on a folded blanket instead of a pillow. When I asked for a pillow, and explaoned that all I got was a folded up blanket they said coldly, "If all you got was blankets, then thats what you get!"
Whenever I (or anyone) moved trying to get to sleep, an alarm went off. And the night shift staffscreamed, "STOP MOVING!" That place terrified me. Luckily, I got transfered to the long term place. It was summer by this time. I had to do summer school with a bunch of problematic people, including one kid that WOULD NOT stop pulling the fire alarm. The girls were bitches, not really in a psyco way, just the typical mean girls thing.
I was still very angry about what had happend at Holy Spirit. With everything going on, I started to become less and less myself. I really just stopped caring. I wore mismatched thrift store clothes, never took showers or baths, never brushed my hair or teeth. I laughed and talked loudly, and said random stuff at school and when I went with my mom to Oak Park. I put on a fake smile and over compensated by acting crazy, just to hide my misery. (My medications and hormones were still clashing.) Besides that it wasn't even in her job description anymore. And why work harder than you have too?! She wouldn't have believed me about Mrs.Watson anyways.
Besides that, my medications constantly interacted and I was sick every night. I hated school, I hated my classmates and teachers, and I hated God and I hated Mrs.Watson.
Meanwhile, I hated the new school even more than Holy Spirit. Everyone there was a terrible person. I was bullied everyday by my classmates, Chad and Reid. But I stood up for myself each time, and told them to go to hell. They never did get the message. I hated them as much as Mrs. Watson and wanted them dead. Needless to say, I gave up on any part I had in my parents religion. God had failed me, and come to think of it, he was never really there for me to begin with. I had suffered because of HIS school, and whatever he did to me to make me the way I am.
My classmates were all assholes and most of my teachers were boring and humorless. I was fucking bored and wanted to pull a prank. We literally did nothing all day except word searches and occasionally some math, which I got limited help on. We actually did some work in science, but the teacher, mrs.Hauser was a bitch and always judged me for making jokes, despite my taking an interest and working hard. She seemed to favor the kids that were rude to me and didn't care that they were. everyone else got annoyed with my care free attitude and some staff and students genuinely hated my guts.
Everyday at my new school was a nightmare. The school was old and wreacked of suer and the kids were horrible. We had 2 horsof P.E everyday, which I HATED. It was me against all boys, a weird lady teacher, who was actually nice, just kind of creepy and 2 sexist and somewhat rude male p.e teachers who seemed to low key believe that males were better. I felt so uncomfortable in that class, and tried to sleep in extra late in hopes of missing it.
8th grade was the worst year of my life. The bullying had escalated, and I hated people more than ever. Chad was at his worst, he was always taunting me. What had I ever done to him? One day after school, he put his hands in the shape of a gun and pointed it at my head. I yelled at him, " What the hell Chad?! I SWEAR TO GOD! IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF…" But he wouldn't listen. All he said was, "What are you going to do?!.. That's what I thought!" I hated everyone my age from then on. They were all either spoiled or, assholes and bitches, and those were their GOOD qualities. As for Chad, my science teacher suspended him and asked me if I was ok. He was a really nice guy. Funny too. An adult I trusted. Infact, my teachers were a lot nicer that year, but after all that had happened, there was just something I couldn't trust in adults... They were always abusing their authority for gain.
When Chad came back, his rudeness continued, he was always yelling insults at me, "Chubby Baby! Do you do everything the teacher says?! I bet you still take baths! I bet you're gonna cry!" Usually I responded with something like, "So what if I do?! Why is that any of your business?!" But this time I had something better. I yelled the meanest thing I could think of, "HEY CHAD?! IF I WAS YOUR MOM, I WOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU!" Everyone in the hall stared at me speechless. Including Chad, who tried to come up with another insult, but nothing could top that. I felt a sense of pride. And I truly wished she had aborted him. People like him are a waste of space on this planet. They never change either.
The whole world had turned its back on me. I hated people more and more everyday. No one offered me any comfort. When I complained, I was called negative or told, "That's just the way things are." Did ANYONE care? I had a social worker who annoyed the crap out of me, and was condescending as fuck, and then she left and I got another one. This bitch tried to force my mom into letting her come over and do in home sessions. I didn't exactly like her, she was just too perky and very annoying. I ended up having to go back to the stupid mental health facility. This time to be bullied physically.
This really fat girl would punch me and like one other kid for literally no reason and make the excuse that she was schizophrenic and do it again and again and again. One time she fucking pulled my hair and got on top of me infront of my mom and brother, charlie. I me, who does this bitch think she is? She clearly did that on purpose. I was thinking of getting a 5-10 lbs weight and hitting her in the head with it, while she was asleep. But the staff were RIGHT THERE and would have seen me do it.
Then I got stuffed with medications that made me throw up every night. The anger I gave my parents got them mad and then cps got involved, I almost got taken away TWICE thanks to my therapist who is SUPPOSED to be understanding. I will ALWAYS be paying for other peoples mistakes. Now my body suffers from long term problems due to stress. I also find I don't enjoy anything without a consequence. Even pleasures I try to have create more problems later.
I became suicidal in highschool and my only friend at the school stopped being my friend because her parents said that i was a bad example. later down the road my bestfriend did the same thing but it was 100% HER CHOICE AND she befriended ALL of MY friends.
Hows adult life?! HORRIBLE.
I'm retarded and work MY ASS OFF. It never pays off. I can't even do a simple part time job and get put down for it or demoted to cleaning carts, or giving something else simple that I CAN do and HATE. Just so I can fulfil my friends wishes to go out to eat, which only makes me fat because I have NO metabolism. My apatite is through the roof, but food only causes problems. I deal with painful ibs, pcos and low thyroid. I'm in discomfort on most days. My body is tired and weak, I'm bloated and fat. My face is puffy, my stomach feels like it's being forced open wider than it can go and spasming in weird places. My back hurts, my ribs feel pushed out of place, from lack of relief. my stomach, and overies feel stuffed with salt, gunk and splinters. My bladder and kidneys feel ready to burst, but I can't pee or have to strain until I see stars. I feel like I have a UTI off and on, I hurt from everything in that place. I'm so tired, crabby and irritable, there is no relief, I want to cry and scream. Venting only will get me locked up again. Does that sound like someone who is in any shape to live life?! But what's it matter, my problems are embarrassing and I only feel pain that I feel weird talking about. To my doctors, I was just a hypochondriac.
NO ONE listened to me until I skipped FOUR periods and I had to deal with this at my job before I quit. I was screamed at and treated poorly everyday because I can't learn anything or do the job. I will never be able to make it on my own or at least not without more misery. I'm probably going to die anyways if I tried.
Nothing I ever do pays off and people only want me here because it brings THEM pleasure, but when it stops being fun for them they just move on without a second thought. Those who actually give me a chance try to force me to be this peppy, happy, inspiration, came from trauma energy. But when I'm not "positive" enough for them or I take THEIR energy or "can't move on" then THEY do. Even if I listen to THEM. They just take. People are nothing more than fucking parasites that suck the energy out of me and move on. The discusting little slime balls just can't have a bit of my unhappiness ruining their mediocre everyday lives, because we ALL have our struggles and EVERYTHING is SO HARD for THEM. Because our problems are totally worth comparing. Everyone is tired of my unhappiness clouding THEIR life. They act like they care, but its conditional, so they really don't. Otherwise they wouldn't take advantage of me like that, they just leave me with my problems and walk away more selfish than ever. Well, I am stuck with those problems and what they just did to me. But SOMEHOW its wrong if I want an escape?! That's how much people care. Just about themselves. By existing, I'm just giving into their selfish wishes. If I die they can't benefit from my suffering any longer and I won't have to deal with it. I also won't make anyone elses's life worse. I have to go through this in front of my dad and brothers and my mom is sick of hearing about it and exhausted from trying to bring me relief. Now I might go to jail because I hit my dad for calling the cops on me when I was in pain. I just wanted life to be over.
Are you still thinking of YOURSELF while listening to MY sob story?! Want to hear something "POSITIVE'' ?! Is that what you're wanting?! OK. FINE, I don't see what the problem is, i'm pretty much suffering for you continuously anyway, what's one more drop in the bucket?!. HERE'S SOMETHING POSITIVE: At least when it's OVER things will balance out and I won't have to deal with the bad. There's the Justice! SEE?! THERE. I was "POSITIVE" is everyone ELSE happy?! Because THAT'S what REALLY matters. Right?!
There's a lot of debate on the "afterlife" I DO have something to say about it. If I die I don't want to be punished for reacting to this terrible life or wanting it to be over, and if I'm wrong and there really IS some "loving god" that entity BETTER cut me some slack, it will make up for NEVER helping. if there is a god, I'm doing HIS/HER?THEIR job. I hear this complaints about stupid christian god saying he died on the cross for others so we should all worship him or else. Well, first off, if that story is true it sounds like it was HIS choice. I didn't chose this and I would argue I basically bow down to other people and suffered a whole lot more than HE did. You don't see me asking others to bow down or "go to hell". WHEREs MY REWARD?! WHERE'S MY CROWN?! I would hope if I kill myself, I get the whole other reality of good, but I don't think there is one. It's all a scam. I know from research, experience and reading other people's revival stories that either there's no god or that entity has favorites. NDEs happen to random people and most revives see and experience NOTHING.
I'm pretty sure there really is no god or other dimension. I think you're just done experiencing, which is better than a bad experience. People always tell me, "well if you die you won't experience any pleasure either." Is that some kind of joke?!
I HATE MY LIFE! I DON'T feel connected to anyone or anything and I can't feel pleasure anymore. Lets just let me die before things get bad again. If anyone has any painless methods let me know.
