Today I had my fourth appointment. It was the first time I was fully honest....and well it does not look that good. My friends urged me to try it again. I also thought I don't want to do suicide for the sake of my parents. So I looked for a new therapist. She is an older therapist with a lot of experience.
So far we only talked about love issues. And well knowing my love delusions and how utterly hopeless that is....
I told her how fucked my life really is. And that I am contemplating suicide again. Last month I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people. I wanted to explain her my logic why my life is likely to fail. I wanted that she gives me counterpoints. In the end she rather re-enforced my hopelessness.
Tbh I think this therapy could even increase the chance that I commit suicide soon. I already was dropped from a therapist 2019.
It hurt like hell. I started therapy again 2022 where I played a charade with him. Now even closer to suicide I am again trying it.
I feel so desperate. I think to kill myself in April. Tbh I was that depressed because her love advice rather backfired. I am pretty pissed at her. Well..and I had the feeling she does not really care about my case.
I told her I consider to go to an escort woman before I kill myself. And there was this ambivalence in the word before. In my language it could have meant before in the sense that it will prevent my suicide. Or temporal so before I kill myself I want to know that feeling.
I am not sure why I am even doing this. What will I achieve with that? I think this woman cannot help me. Only a miracle could save me. But people say shit like try hard enough and you will get what you need. I think if she drops me this might be the final nail in my coffin. It will re-enforce my consideration that it everything is totally fucked. I hope my family can blame my therapists when I am dead. And my psychiatrist and psychologist can blame each other.
So far we only talked about love issues. And well knowing my love delusions and how utterly hopeless that is....
I told her how fucked my life really is. And that I am contemplating suicide again. Last month I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people. I wanted to explain her my logic why my life is likely to fail. I wanted that she gives me counterpoints. In the end she rather re-enforced my hopelessness.
Tbh I think this therapy could even increase the chance that I commit suicide soon. I already was dropped from a therapist 2019.
It hurt like hell. I started therapy again 2022 where I played a charade with him. Now even closer to suicide I am again trying it.
I feel so desperate. I think to kill myself in April. Tbh I was that depressed because her love advice rather backfired. I am pretty pissed at her. Well..and I had the feeling she does not really care about my case.
I told her I consider to go to an escort woman before I kill myself. And there was this ambivalence in the word before. In my language it could have meant before in the sense that it will prevent my suicide. Or temporal so before I kill myself I want to know that feeling.
I am not sure why I am even doing this. What will I achieve with that? I think this woman cannot help me. Only a miracle could save me. But people say shit like try hard enough and you will get what you need. I think if she drops me this might be the final nail in my coffin. It will re-enforce my consideration that it everything is totally fucked. I hope my family can blame my therapists when I am dead. And my psychiatrist and psychologist can blame each other.
