If I could go back...

[GreyMonkey]

I'm 38 now. Despite trying hard in many ways to make something of my life, I've failed. Core issues that I had were never fully addressed and having to do it at this age is awful. Its like trying to start again and I'm old enough that it's exhausting to try.

If I could go back to my teenage self or my early teens there is a lot of help I would want to offer.

I know there are many in their early 20's here who are struggling. Some of you are determined to end it, in and out of psych wards and utterly hopeless. I understand that if it is your determination.

Others may feel hopeless yet more terrified of dying than living. For those who fall in the second category now is the time to find help rather than let many years drift by to only feel more desperate, helpless and hopeless when older.

There are modalities and work out there that can help resolve the core issues that lead towards the desire to die. Nobody truly wants to die, it's an escape from the pain and suffering that is too much that leads to this as a last option.

All these issues are trauma based. And they can be resolved given the right space to do so.

I can try help you find someone in your area to work with, if you want it.

Reach out to me. I'll try support you in the ways I wish I was when younger.

As for me I don't know yet. I oscillate almost daily between the wish to end it, versus the fears of doing so and the damage it will cause to those who love me. I'm here for now and I'm trying to do the work.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

There is a song i like, called Nate by NF

Yeah, sometimes I wanna disappear like I just don't exist
Or find a time machine and take me back when I was six
Maybe younger, either way, I guess the point of it
Would be to tell that little kid that he's gon' take a lotta hits
Yeah, I'd probably grab your hand and tell you life is hard
If you got questions or you need advice, then talk to God
'Cause He's the only one that listens even when you think He isn't
Even good people are great at makin' bad decisions

I wasted so many years pretending to be somebody im not. And it set my life up to be absolutely terrible. 28 and i wish i could erase it all. But you are correct, i dont want to die. I just dont want to wake up every day waiting for the next assult on my shattered world. I am 100% sure a stronger person could figure this shit out. Live a happy life. Im just not that person. I don't know who i am. And thats the problem. Trauma from such an early age (First suicide attempt at 6 years old) erases your personality. 22 years of being stuck in survival mode, i don't even know how to live. I really am starting over, not just in life but as a person. But at 28, im supposed to have all this figured out already. Have some base to work from.

 

[Lavendel]

God bless you. I'm getting clean (weed) and I'm struggling to lift myself up when all I can think of is to fall down. I don't see where I am going at all. Having had psychotic breakdowns and all, my brain is just not the same anymore.

to the person above me. I, also, do not know who I am and I, also, rather just exist instead of really living. But that's thanks to my split self wanting to be someone because of status symbols but not really caring for that at all on the other hand. Being a living paradox is probably the hardest part about being a living human being. Tough experiences btw.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Yes weed is way more damaging than people realise. I smoked for a long time and can't really touch it anymore.

Have you been to a NA meeting?

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I have been trying to quit weed for over a year. I know its been doing a ton of damage to my life. Im even dating a 3 year clean addict in NA and AA. But he smokes weed too so its super hard to be totally clean. I think its part of why we might both struggle with identity. Weed sort of became who i was for a while. At my worst i was using over a gram of shatter a day (and dealing to afford it). Weed can fuck you up. but anyone who knows me knows im a "Stoner chick who games" so without it what is left? bleh.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I

I'm 38 now. Despite trying hard in many ways to make something of my life, I've failed. Core issues that I had were never fully addressed and having to do it at this age is awful. Its like trying to start again and I'm old enough that it's exhausting to try.

If I could go back to my teenage self or my early teens there is a lot of help I would want to offer.

I know there are many in their early 20's here who are struggling. Some of you are determined to end it, in and out of psych wards and utterly hopeless. I understand that if it is your determination.

Others may feel hopeless yet more terrified of dying than living. For those who fall in the second category now is the time to find help rather than let many years drift by to only feel more desperate, helpless and hopeless when older.

There are modalities and work out there that can help resolve the core issues that lead towards the desire to die. Nobody truly wants to die, it's an escape from the pain and suffering that is too much that leads to this as a last option.

All these issues are trauma based. And they can be resolved given the right space to do so.

I can try help you find someone in your area to work with, if you want it.

Reach out to me. I'll try support you in the ways I wish I was when younger.

As for me I don't know yet. I oscillate almost daily between the wish to end it, versus the fears of doing so and the damage it will cause to those who love me. I'm here for now and I'm trying to do the work.

I think it's wonderful you're reaching out to the younger people on this group telling them the time to get help is now. I wish you were able to do the same. Whatever happens I hope you find peace.