My life quality is dog shit for a very long time. Spending money is a major coping skill for me. Due to my disabilites I am unable to work and never will be. My mom had two strokes the last years. She reduced working I think towards 90%. However, I collapsed while studying I had the choice between suicide or clinic stay. I decided for the clinic for my friends. But also because I am scared about the following scenario. I survive SN, my mom gets another stroke dies or gets permanently disabled and I am traumatized by the attempt and will not be able to attempt ever again.
I have no lectures this semester. But next October I will have to decide. I think the college torture is really not worth it. I am too much of a mess to work. But my family is really desperate. My mom is not feeling good. And she usually swallows it down. I have the feeling she is close to another stroke. I am scared. If she dies I am going to ctb asap. I have SN here stored under my bed for this scenario. So glad no police and the package arrived. I will never give it away again. There are many realistic scenarios in which suicide is for my life in my opinion a very rational choice.
Currently I am ruminating what to do in October. There are so many obligations for the bachelor degree and I am very sure I am not able to pull that off. I am way too ill. I think about telling my parents to give up. I have the feeling I am running out of time. I tried what I have wanted to try. I calm me with the thought there is still some time until October. However, my mom looks like in a really bad shape. And when she is not able to hide it must be really rough. So my end might be closer than expected.
I have a bucket list 3 books of David Foster Wallace. And true romantical mutual love. The latter one is more important to me but probably unreachable. I had psychosis and often when I meet women I turn psychotic. It happens pretty early and ruined so fucking much. Just recently I think I might get another love delusion. I think maybe that one good looking woman in my college self-help group has a crush on me. It is very likely it is just a delusion. I hope so much it is true. But I interpret way too much in the way she looks at me and stuff like that. We quite literally never had a conversation. I think she is afraid that exactly that the love delusion might happen which just happens. I alreay experienced something like that in the group and almost died when I realized it was a love delusion. Really it made me very suicidal and I ordered SN. Our self-help group might be dissolved the organisators leave the uni: Honestly, I don't give a fuck. The others were like "Oh my god I almost have to cry.." And I was like whatever. I have to censor myself so fucking much and these people have so vanilla problems compared to me. I think my main motivation is to meet a girlfriend in that group. But even if i met someone I would turn psychotic it is pretty hopeless and humiliating. It is like a narcisissitc injury every time. I am collecting more evidence whether that woman might like me. My desperate mind says "Please, please yes I am so needy." My objective and more realistic mind notices we already had exactly the same like a million of times. It is extremely heartbreaking. This is why I think it might be good the group gets ressolved. The organisators was worried about me because I am the suicidal one in that group. Bitch my ass I don't give a fuck. Ressolve that group whatever. I need money and a girlfriend nothing else. I already have friends and people I can vent to. This forum is so much better than this self-help group.
I am on two dating platforms. I text a woman there since two months. She said she really enjoys our conversation. I am stunned by that I find it very mediocre. I am way too much interested in intelligence and education. ( I despise myself for this obsession.)
I enjoy deep talk with sophisticated exchanges. And we mostly talked about the weather and have small talk since two fucking months. I already stopped answering her because i thought she would simply answer to be polite. She found that very disrespectful of me. And told me how much she enjoys the conversation. I apologized and she accepted it. I joke with my friends. It is insane I am interpreting all the time in gazes and remarks this or that woman has a crush on me and that happened like a thousand times. And it is simply a delusion. But then I am texting with a woman who really likes me and I am like. "Well she obviously is not interested in me." Lmao. I even considered to tell it very openly how bad our conversation is. But I changed my mind to that time gladly.
Fuck my life.
I have no lectures this semester. But next October I will have to decide. I think the college torture is really not worth it. I am too much of a mess to work. But my family is really desperate. My mom is not feeling good. And she usually swallows it down. I have the feeling she is close to another stroke. I am scared. If she dies I am going to ctb asap. I have SN here stored under my bed for this scenario. So glad no police and the package arrived. I will never give it away again. There are many realistic scenarios in which suicide is for my life in my opinion a very rational choice.
Currently I am ruminating what to do in October. There are so many obligations for the bachelor degree and I am very sure I am not able to pull that off. I am way too ill. I think about telling my parents to give up. I have the feeling I am running out of time. I tried what I have wanted to try. I calm me with the thought there is still some time until October. However, my mom looks like in a really bad shape. And when she is not able to hide it must be really rough. So my end might be closer than expected.
I have a bucket list 3 books of David Foster Wallace. And true romantical mutual love. The latter one is more important to me but probably unreachable. I had psychosis and often when I meet women I turn psychotic. It happens pretty early and ruined so fucking much. Just recently I think I might get another love delusion. I think maybe that one good looking woman in my college self-help group has a crush on me. It is very likely it is just a delusion. I hope so much it is true. But I interpret way too much in the way she looks at me and stuff like that. We quite literally never had a conversation. I think she is afraid that exactly that the love delusion might happen which just happens. I alreay experienced something like that in the group and almost died when I realized it was a love delusion. Really it made me very suicidal and I ordered SN. Our self-help group might be dissolved the organisators leave the uni: Honestly, I don't give a fuck. The others were like "Oh my god I almost have to cry.." And I was like whatever. I have to censor myself so fucking much and these people have so vanilla problems compared to me. I think my main motivation is to meet a girlfriend in that group. But even if i met someone I would turn psychotic it is pretty hopeless and humiliating. It is like a narcisissitc injury every time. I am collecting more evidence whether that woman might like me. My desperate mind says "Please, please yes I am so needy." My objective and more realistic mind notices we already had exactly the same like a million of times. It is extremely heartbreaking. This is why I think it might be good the group gets ressolved. The organisators was worried about me because I am the suicidal one in that group. Bitch my ass I don't give a fuck. Ressolve that group whatever. I need money and a girlfriend nothing else. I already have friends and people I can vent to. This forum is so much better than this self-help group.
I am on two dating platforms. I text a woman there since two months. She said she really enjoys our conversation. I am stunned by that I find it very mediocre. I am way too much interested in intelligence and education. ( I despise myself for this obsession.)
I enjoy deep talk with sophisticated exchanges. And we mostly talked about the weather and have small talk since two fucking months. I already stopped answering her because i thought she would simply answer to be polite. She found that very disrespectful of me. And told me how much she enjoys the conversation. I apologized and she accepted it. I joke with my friends. It is insane I am interpreting all the time in gazes and remarks this or that woman has a crush on me and that happened like a thousand times. And it is simply a delusion. But then I am texting with a woman who really likes me and I am like. "Well she obviously is not interested in me." Lmao. I even considered to tell it very openly how bad our conversation is. But I changed my mind to that time gladly.
Fuck my life.
