• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
...I would certainly OD on them.

I had an appointment with my therapist it was good. We only talked on love issues though. She ignored it when I told her I have stronger suicidal thoughts though. I think this was not that smart of her. I have the feeling I need an Ivy League educated professor to solve my problems. I don't think a random therapist can do that. But I will try with her.

I have a guilty conscience towards my parents when I ctb. I clearly become more depressed since Sunday. My mixed manic depressive episodes might evolve into a depressive episode. The depression is pretty strong in the evening. At least I don't crash from mania into depression anymore. I fucking hate that feeling.

I don't think her suggestions concerning my love issues are very promising. It might only fuel my depression even more. Maybe it is good for her not to know what is at stake at this game.

The first appointment I had the feeling she did not want me as a patient. This time she really wanted me as a patient. She noticed that I felt stomach sickness which was impressive. I think if I cross my pain limit in a severe way I will ctb no matter of her. I think no suicide contract or anything could stop me of that. I did not sign one though. I won't have that much of a guilty conscience towards her. The impact on my parents will be way way worse. It might kill my parents. But I cannot stomach it much longer.

I sleep pretty long which is a big sign for developing a depression. I am sleeping until 8:30-9 a.m. without sleeping pills which is like a miracle for me. I wonder whether it will be a major depression soon.

This soldier is pretty pretty tired of fighting. I want to retire. I am wounded. Someone cut off my legs and I am expected run a marathon. People spit and step on me. I have no more dignity. If I want to free myself of it I get locked up in a horrible psych ward which was similar to prison. I am desperate. At least I have still this forum.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
Depression becomes stronger and stronger. I barely was able to leave the bed today. I increased the dosage of my antidepressant. I don't want to experience another major depression. I won't survive that.

Currently, I am still able to cope with it somehow. But my will to live is very small.

The nightmares the whole fucking night is pretty toxic for my mental health.

I think if I totally collapse well this is the end.

I think one more love delusion which is very likely will break me eventually. I simply cannot live with this anymore.

My grandma was a severe case of bipolar (just as me) bro she died around the age of 80. Lmao. Only 5 decades to come.
 
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