Cause some days I think to myself that all my fuckedupedness came about because how I was raised and the wrong decision at key moments it led me to make. That somewhere out there is an alternate universe where a version of me that made all the right choices and is now living their best lives.
If I had just told the younger version of myself the fucked-up truths, I know now he could've course corrected.
Negative Truths
1. If I had told him that every worst-case scenario I had about the world and the people in it was the best-case scenario. That it was marketing that increased the saturation of real life to hide the ugliness it was built on. That the trees I thought reached up to heaven had all their roots planted in hell. That all my 'dark thoughts' I told my 'friends' I was worried about, and they kept telling was overthinking was just what they were going to do. I verbalized the scenarios that was what made me weird. They executed their evil silently and made me feel like shit.
2. That people can go beyond lying, they can lie to themselves so well that they can convince themselves that they are in the right all in the petty pursuit of defending their own ego. Even if you corner them, if you throw the facts at them, beat them with the truth, get them to repent that the very next day they will return to their fucked up lie and blame you for trying to help them. That some people are so broken that all I can ever do is walk away from them to protect myself. They are born defective be it genetically or mentally, and they will never change but drag you down to their abyss.
3. That I had the right to criticize my father and the way he raised me. That it was not normal for a 30+ year old to be fighting and belittling a 7-year-old kid for not knowing everything in the world. But that everyone around me, around him knew that he was abnormal but chose to not say a word. That they knew he was fucked-up but just didn't want to deal with him. And left me as collateral.
4. If they wanted to do something, they would have done so. They haven't so they won't. Instead of criticizing me for my effort, instead of putting me down for trying, instead of trying to help me get better if they genuinely cared people would've put in the effort. They had access to google, books, radio advice, family advice, friend advice, religious advice or any other option. It would've cost them just 10 minutes of their day to bother help you if they wanted to. But they did not so fuck them it is on them and not you.
5. That people will spit on you spit on you spit on you, and after they finally succeed in putting you down ask you nonchalantly why you stopped trying. This one hurt like a mother fucker.
Positive Truths
1. That there was a good chance that I could achieve everything I ever wanted in life. That life was sequential, do this, then that, then this, then that, in a structured fashion and thing would go how I wanted them to. All I needed was to have faith in my process. If the logic made sense, and I tested that assumption there was no reason for things not to work out how I planned them.
2. That other people are not scary. That most people are hollow. Push them a little and they would break away.
3. That I needed to be nicer to myself. However long I thought things would take 5x it, and then ask myself if I really was behind on things.
4. That I was in hell. It is not fair to expect good things from demons. But heaven was other there. That there was a place out there for me. I was just in the wrong crowd. In the wrong city. In the wrong country. Misery loves company. Don't look back. Just run. I know it doesn't make sense statistically; I know you think that there is no way you are so special, that problems be this systemic, but they are. This place is sick, everyone in it is broken, run. There is a good place out there for you. This is not it.
5. If you do not find it. Build it.
6. That cliches suck balls as advice. But they are timeless, bet on them. Bet on cliches.
If I had just told the younger version of myself the fucked-up truths, I know now he could've course corrected.
Negative Truths
1. If I had told him that every worst-case scenario I had about the world and the people in it was the best-case scenario. That it was marketing that increased the saturation of real life to hide the ugliness it was built on. That the trees I thought reached up to heaven had all their roots planted in hell. That all my 'dark thoughts' I told my 'friends' I was worried about, and they kept telling was overthinking was just what they were going to do. I verbalized the scenarios that was what made me weird. They executed their evil silently and made me feel like shit.
2. That people can go beyond lying, they can lie to themselves so well that they can convince themselves that they are in the right all in the petty pursuit of defending their own ego. Even if you corner them, if you throw the facts at them, beat them with the truth, get them to repent that the very next day they will return to their fucked up lie and blame you for trying to help them. That some people are so broken that all I can ever do is walk away from them to protect myself. They are born defective be it genetically or mentally, and they will never change but drag you down to their abyss.
3. That I had the right to criticize my father and the way he raised me. That it was not normal for a 30+ year old to be fighting and belittling a 7-year-old kid for not knowing everything in the world. But that everyone around me, around him knew that he was abnormal but chose to not say a word. That they knew he was fucked-up but just didn't want to deal with him. And left me as collateral.
4. If they wanted to do something, they would have done so. They haven't so they won't. Instead of criticizing me for my effort, instead of putting me down for trying, instead of trying to help me get better if they genuinely cared people would've put in the effort. They had access to google, books, radio advice, family advice, friend advice, religious advice or any other option. It would've cost them just 10 minutes of their day to bother help you if they wanted to. But they did not so fuck them it is on them and not you.
5. That people will spit on you spit on you spit on you, and after they finally succeed in putting you down ask you nonchalantly why you stopped trying. This one hurt like a mother fucker.
Positive Truths
1. That there was a good chance that I could achieve everything I ever wanted in life. That life was sequential, do this, then that, then this, then that, in a structured fashion and thing would go how I wanted them to. All I needed was to have faith in my process. If the logic made sense, and I tested that assumption there was no reason for things not to work out how I planned them.
2. That other people are not scary. That most people are hollow. Push them a little and they would break away.
3. That I needed to be nicer to myself. However long I thought things would take 5x it, and then ask myself if I really was behind on things.
4. That I was in hell. It is not fair to expect good things from demons. But heaven was other there. That there was a place out there for me. I was just in the wrong crowd. In the wrong city. In the wrong country. Misery loves company. Don't look back. Just run. I know it doesn't make sense statistically; I know you think that there is no way you are so special, that problems be this systemic, but they are. This place is sick, everyone in it is broken, run. There is a good place out there for you. This is not it.
5. If you do not find it. Build it.
6. That cliches suck balls as advice. But they are timeless, bet on them. Bet on cliches.
Last edited:
