If you could go back in time could you prevent yourself from wanting to CTB?

[Coal54321]

I think that's the worst thing about how I feel. I fucked up and ruined my life by mistreating the one person I fucking love. Now I can never get her back. If I could go back in time only 2 months with the knowledge I have now we would have been inseperable. I can't believe this is actually happening.

My SN should arrive in a little over a week. If by some miracle I'm able to get her back before then I might be ok but it's not going to happen. She said if I never contacted her again she would be happy. I wish I wasn't such a hopeful person so I could have just done this 2 months ago but the amount of hope I have that she will come back is destroying me by making this pain last much longer than it should have ever needed to.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I would go back in time to kill myself sooner

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and if everything is going to happen exactly the same as it had happened then I could make a few different decisions at certain points in my life and I wouldn't become suicidal.

 

[Coal54321]

If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and if everything is going to happen exactly the same as it had happened then I could make a few different decisions at certain points in my life and I wouldn't become suicidal.

I'm sorry. For me that's one of the worst parts. That this could have been preventable but several small missteps adding up resulted in ruined lives

 

[passer-by]

That's the thing, we always act on the best knowledge we currently possess. As easy as it is to fall into "if only" abyss, such scenarios are purely hyphotetical. Mind likes to play its games to gain some sense of control, but we're mere puppets to our reactions. Whatever happened was waiting to happen since the beginning of times. There's no repair in going back in time, only forwards.
That being sad, I understand the despair. Mind is infinite in trying to imagine all the alternative scenarios and to avoid the pain. But whatever happened has happened and it couldn't happen any other way. With all its beauty and horrors. All we can do is take what's left and build upon that. Whether that's catching a bus or moving on in other ways.
I'm sending hugs

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry. For me that's one of the worst parts. That this could have been preventable but several small missteps adding up resulted in ruined lives

I'm sorry things went so horribly wrong for u. We can't turn back time but we also don't know the future. Somstimes wounds can heal.

2 months isn't a long time. In my case I would need to go back more than 15 years to "correct" things at the base.

 

[Coal54321]

I'm sorry things went so horribly wrong for u. We can't turn back time but we also don't know the future. Somstimes wounds can heal.

2 months isn't a long time. In my case I would need to go back more than 15 years to "correct" things at the base.

Oh absolutely. My life was nowhere near perfect and I've had many suicide plans prior to this occurring, but this was essentially the nail in the coffin for me. I am so sorry things went wrong for you as well. Do you think you would relive those 15 years differently if you were able to, even though it means going so far back in time?

 

[AnderDethsky]

Nah, it seems to me, in my case, when the source of pain is at the very root of my existence, which I have always had and always will have — CTB thoughts are not what I find. It's CTB thoughts find me.

 

[KillingPain267]

No, it was predestined and forordained that I would ctb.

 

[coffeebeany]

I would have to go back and prevent my parents from meeting lol. Other than that - no. I had no power over the abuse and neglect and literal torture.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Oh absolutely. My life was nowhere near perfect and I've had many suicide plans prior to this occurring, but this was essentially the nail in the coffin for me. I am so sorry things went wrong for you as well. Do you think you would relive those 15 years differently if you were able to, even though it means going so far back in time?

Yes, definitely. I would even go back further, if that was possible. I had generally a good life and I wasn't suicidal at all. A big failure in life and what came afterwards caused me burnout and made me suicidal. Ultimately I ended up here.

 

[Rational man]

It would be great having hindsight..I wouldn't have taken the c19 vax which I believe is the connection to my degenerative condition. Also, if I had a kinder heart, I might still be with my beautiful girlfriend. Unfortunately, i had no say in the type of card that was dealt to me. Life can be tough...

 

[dqngerous]

i don't think so…i couldn't make myself not mentally ill & i couldn't stop my mom getting cancer

 

[alltoomuch2]

That brought in a new thought for me. I don't think I could have changed what happened to me as a child, which contributed to all my bad decisions and acceptance of bad things people did to me through the rest of my life. But if one, just one of the teachers who asked me if everything was alright at home hadn't accepted my "yes" and had delved deeper and done something, maybe my life would have been different. But I know that fighting the past and wishing it hadnt happened just hurts me more. So to answer the question, after that self indulgent side-track, no. Given what happened to me over my lifetime and how I feel now, my decision to attempt in my 20s and my wish to die now are explainable and appropriate. And I don't think there is anything I could have done at any point to change that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally never wish to exist no matter what, I see existence as completely undesirable in every single way, ceasing to exist will be all I'll ever wish for as I just have no interest in suffering in this meaningless, torturous existence that I always saw as a terrible, tragic mistake, for me existence itself is the problem and more than anything I wish I never suffered at all, I find it a burden to simply be conscious. I only hope for non-existence as I just want peace, I want permanent safety from all harm and suffering and only in non-existence will I be unable to suffer, I'd always prefer to cease existing than suffer in this existence where there's no limit as to how much agony one can feel just to be tortured by old age, I find it terrifying how a human can exist for so long, all I wish for is to never exist ever again, I just want to die in peace and forget about it all.

 

[ZeroM24]

No. I barely have any regrets about my life choices/actions. I did the best I could, I just don't belong in this world. Everything enrages me and makes me cry. Every night I cry while thoughts about this cruel hellish world race through my head till I finally fall asleep. This got way worse in the last two years.

 

[Coal54321]

That brought in a new thought for me. I don't think I could have changed what happened to me as a child, which contributed to all my bad decisions and acceptance of bad things people did to me through the rest of my life. But if one, just one of the teachers who asked me if everything was alright at home hadn't accepted my "yes" and had delved deeper and done something, maybe my life would have been different. But I know that fighting the past and wishing it hadnt happened just hurts me more. So to answer the question, after that self indulgent side-track, no. Given what happened to me over my lifetime and how I feel now, my decision to attempt in my 20s and my wish to die now are explainable and appropriate. And I don't think there is anything I could have done at any point to change that.

That is terrible and I am so so sorry. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I'd personally never wish to exist no matter what, I see existence as completely undesirable in every single way, ceasing to exist will be all I'll ever wish for as I just have no interest in suffering in this meaningless, torturous existence that I always saw as a terrible, tragic mistake, for me existence itself is the problem and more than anything I wish I never suffered at all, I find it a burden to simply be conscious. I only hope for non-existence as I just want peace, I want permanent safety from all harm and suffering and only in non-existence will I be unable to suffer, I'd always prefer to cease existing than suffer in this existence where there's no limit as to how much agony one can feel just to be tortured by old age, I find it terrifying how a human can exist for so long, all I wish for is to never exist ever again, I just want to die in peace and forget about it all.

This really resonated with me. You put what I'm feeling so beautifully into words.

 

[affirmatice]

Yes, easily. That makes it hurt more. The imagination that a few minor mistakes ended up completely destroying my life.

I have spent years hyper analyzing the same small mistakes made by myself and others which have led me here. All that thinking brought me nothing but pain and anger and frustration. But I can't let it go.

I can't just shrug my shoulders and say, I accept this worse life that I'm living. I will forever know that there is a 100x better version of me that I lost

 

[alltoomuch2]

That is terrible and I am so so sorry. I wish you nothing but the best.

It's ok and thanks for your kind words. Its all I've known really so it's kind of normal and I don't know or expect anything better. Death would be a peaceful release though.

 

[Coal54321]

Yes, easily. That makes it hurt more. The imagination that a few minor mistakes ended up completely destroying my life.

I have spent years hyper analyzing the same small mistakes made by myself and others which have led me here. All that thinking brought me nothing but pain and anger and frustration. But I can't let it go.

I can't just shrug my shoulders and say, I accept this worse life that I'm living. I will forever know that there is a 100x better version of me that I lost

"I will forever know that there is a 100x better version of me that I lost"

Very powerful and I completely agree and relate. Somewhere in alternate timeline we are living our best lives. In others we may have already died. It is unfortunate that we are stuck in this one. I don't believe in alternate timelines / fate / parallel universes necessarily - I just think it's interesting but also sad to think how many possibilities we could have ended up at and yet we made the wrong decisions and can't take them back.

 

[affirmatice]

"I will forever know that there is a 100x better version of me that I lost"

Very powerful and I completely agree and relate. Somewhere in alternate timeline we are living our best lives. In others we may have already died. It is unfortunate that we are stuck in this one. I don't believe in alternate timelines / fate / parallel universes necessarily - I just think it's interesting but also sad to think how many possibilities we could have ended up at and yet we made the wrong decisions and can't take them back.

I agree, think about parallel universes often though I don't really believe in them.

Life is full of mistakes, you can't do everything right. But not many people know what it's like to make a mistake that you will carry for the rest of your life, that completely ruins you.

I'm envious of people who can look back on their mistakes and laugh, or say they've learned a lesson, or say that it made them stronger. I have learned the lesson, I have tried to be positive, I have been strong enough to push as long as I have.

Unfortunately,

 

[norain]

Hey. That's exactly what happened to me too, I would like to go back and avoid everything I did... I probably wouldn't be on my way to CTB anyway. But I'm a girl and I miss the dynamics of how everything was before, I can't stand what I fell into and what happened and what I see. I hope to find a way out soon.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

No I don't think there's anything I could possibly do to save myself even if I had access to time travel. I am far too stupid and incompetent for the job. If anything I feel like my life is already being manipulated by time travelers who are trying to ensure I never have children. My guess is that it must be my own future unborn children who have manipulated my life to make sure I am forever alone in order to wipe out their own existence. I can't help but be proud of them.

 

[Coal54321]

Hey. That's exactly what happened to me too, I would like to go back and avoid everything I did... I probably wouldn't be on my way to CTB anyway. But I'm a girl and I miss the dynamics of how everything was before, I can't stand what I fell into and what happened and what I see. I hope to find a way out soon.

So glad someone else can relate. It was the worst mistake of my life. I wish I could avoid everything I did too.

 

[norain]

Me alegra mucho que alguien más pueda identificarse conmigo. Fue el peor error de mi vida. Ojalá yo también pudiera evitar todo lo que hice.

Highly yes, I am currently looking for my method and to get out so the dynamic in which I feel consumes me and I just want to fade away

 

[88124540]

I feel like this question kind of gave me a bit of an epiphany.

No, because a majority of the things that have led to me being in the mental state I am were not something I could control.
being abused, being assaulted, being bullied. I may have learned now as an adult to deal with it slightly better, but I'd have no way to go back and be able to change things enough to never become suicidal. If anything, I may have felt worse at a younger age going back and realizing from the beginning that no adults in my life cared if I would be molested or abused.

I hate to say it's a bit of a relief that I can look back and feel like it's not all my fault.

 

[Ironborn]

I could probably fix some things in my life but deep down there has always been something "wrong" with me and the best I could hope to do is curb some of the worst aspects of myself.
Knowing what I do now I could definitely make some changes for the better and put myself in a better position to deal with my mental problems but I could never get rid of the underlying conditions that led me here.

 

[Coal54321]

I feel like this question kind of gave me a bit of an epiphany.

No, because a majority of the things that have led to me being in the mental state I am were not something I could control.
being abused, being assaulted, being bullied. I may have learned now as an adult to deal with it slightly better, but I'd have no way to go back and be able to change things enough to never become suicidal. If anything, I may have felt worse at a younger age going back and realizing from the beginning that no adults in my life cared if I would be molested or abused.

I hate to say it's a bit of a relief that I can look back and feel like it's not all my fault.

I'm so glad you are able to find some peace from my post, and I am also so sorry about what happened to you. I wish you all the best.

 

[anemicamoeba]

If I could somehow murder my father while still being an unborn fetus in the womb, everything would be just great with my life lmao