KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,744
So many years spent just wasting, and wondering how I'm going to survive in the future. So many broken dreams and delusions that one day I would wake up healed, that something would come along and fix it. What a pipe dream.
I feel that over time so many things that made me human and gave me any sense of worth welled up and died, because my life got worse and worse. I think back on when I was a kid and I could run around and play with such carefree energy. I was learning to dance, and now I'm a cripple. Where did the time go?
Everything that's happened to my life has slowly eroded and stripped any semblance of happiness away. Yet, I can't really talk about it, even if I had someone to talk to, because they will just claim I am depressed and need to hit up the pill mill again for the same prescriptions I've tried countless times before to no avail, or the repetitive therapies which made no difference and only taught me that I can't open up to anyone.
My body is so worn out and tired. Mentally, I'm tired too. I feel like those old people in movies who have been through so much that they become jaded, complacent, and are waiting patiently for the end so that they can forget everything that's happened in life to lead them to this point. Ever since my teenage years, I've tried new treatments, went through test after test, put myself through the wringer trying to figure out WHAT was wrong, what could possibly make me feel so bad all of the time?
I tried so many things, even after doctors gave up on me and other people gave up on me. For my entire young adult life, I have had to face judgement, scorn, and put downs from bystanders who think I am being lazy and faking all of this. Every time I got a kernel of hope, it would ultimately be crushed. When I found out via scans that I had some inflammation in my spine and a Chiari malformation of the brain, I thought this would finally be my ticket towards being taken seriously and getting some relief...
Only to be told that no neurosurgeon would do the operation, and that I was going to have to live with Chiari the rest of my life, the symptoms aren't so bad, they can't be causing these problems, and all sorts of downplaying. There is no one I despise more than medical doctors. I would have blood tests values being flagged as borderline for autoimmune issues, only to be clear the next time, then told my issues must be "mental health related."
I have spent so many years out of it and tired, struggling to drag my feet another step. I have pushed myself to do things, beyond my capacity, only to still be called lazy. I have opened up about the things I've been through, from illness, trauma, and bullying to grief only to be told I have a nihilistic or doomer mindset. It always makes me feel as if I am deficient or defective in some way because I can not put on a happy face and withstand the constant barrage of misery.
Over time, I just feel like a shell of a person. I wanted to work hard and develop skills, really wanted to be a researcher, but my brainfog and fatigue have basically wrecked everything. I withstood so much shame, humiliation and disappointment because I could not perform to the level expected of me, and barely scraped along in university by the skin of my teeth. Now I'm an unemployed NEET, worrying how I will survive in the future because my mind and body are such a scrambled mess, I cannot do the vast majority of jobs and am heavily discriminated against for being autistic and having a speech impediment.
At best, people pity me and wonder why I haven't ctb yet. To be looked at in such a way makes me feel lower than dirt, more worthless than an ant stuck to the bottom of one's shoe. If I was able to laugh or cry anymore, I would at the sheer absurdity of such a situation.
All of this hardship has made me lose my emotions and made me apathetic to almost everything, because I have had to come to terms that being ill is permanent for me. I will never have a healthy body again, and the deterioration is evident. It's not even just the pain, fatigue, bad circulation, weakness, and inability to control my temperature, I've noticed other things like my TMJ getting worse and my jaw recessing which makes me look completely ugly and disgusting. I look and feel like a zombie, no matter how many beauty treatments I do or supplements I take. At this point, I feel like more of a corpse than a woman.
I feel like I have no ability to care about anything anymore. I lost everything. I barely got a shot at life. My life was already so hard before I became ill like this. All of my family died or abandoned me except my grandmother and as she approaches the end of her life I know soon I will be so screwed. No one has ever really loved me or cared about me except my grandma, no one in this entire world. So when my grandma is gone, I want to be gone too. I will not be able to tolerate this life anymore when she is taken from me too.
I look around and see other people my age reminiscing on years of partying and fun, while I barely got a taste of it. I see people getting married and having children, the latter of which I will never do, and know I will walk a very isolating path because of it. When I look at how others have gotten to experience dating and relationships, it has been nothing like my life where I was groomed and abused as a teenager, then ended up in an unhappy marriage after I left those relationships.
My husband has treated me so badly for years because of how ill and tired I am, and I have always been able to tell he wanted something else. While it used to be way worse, I still frequently get yelled at by him, almost everyday, and cannot even go out with him without him sitting on his phone the entire time talking to other people and ignoring me. I am so so unhappy and cannot leave because I rely on my husband's help to survive. Plus as he has said before, no one else would ever love me because I am so negative and hopeless. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not capable of bonding with anyone else ever again because of all that I've been through and likely have no ability to feel love anymore. I am completely doomed.
Everything is so empty. There is nothing left but to suffer more. I don't know what is scarier, death, or existing like this for many more years. I want to die so badly and escape this. It takes a very specific mindset to ctb and I have been quite close to it several times, but survival instinct takes over at the last minute. It takes a point of having absolutely no reservations and I wonder how long it will be before I can finally come to grips with it.
I feel that over time so many things that made me human and gave me any sense of worth welled up and died, because my life got worse and worse. I think back on when I was a kid and I could run around and play with such carefree energy. I was learning to dance, and now I'm a cripple. Where did the time go?
Everything that's happened to my life has slowly eroded and stripped any semblance of happiness away. Yet, I can't really talk about it, even if I had someone to talk to, because they will just claim I am depressed and need to hit up the pill mill again for the same prescriptions I've tried countless times before to no avail, or the repetitive therapies which made no difference and only taught me that I can't open up to anyone.
My body is so worn out and tired. Mentally, I'm tired too. I feel like those old people in movies who have been through so much that they become jaded, complacent, and are waiting patiently for the end so that they can forget everything that's happened in life to lead them to this point. Ever since my teenage years, I've tried new treatments, went through test after test, put myself through the wringer trying to figure out WHAT was wrong, what could possibly make me feel so bad all of the time?
I tried so many things, even after doctors gave up on me and other people gave up on me. For my entire young adult life, I have had to face judgement, scorn, and put downs from bystanders who think I am being lazy and faking all of this. Every time I got a kernel of hope, it would ultimately be crushed. When I found out via scans that I had some inflammation in my spine and a Chiari malformation of the brain, I thought this would finally be my ticket towards being taken seriously and getting some relief...
Only to be told that no neurosurgeon would do the operation, and that I was going to have to live with Chiari the rest of my life, the symptoms aren't so bad, they can't be causing these problems, and all sorts of downplaying. There is no one I despise more than medical doctors. I would have blood tests values being flagged as borderline for autoimmune issues, only to be clear the next time, then told my issues must be "mental health related."
I have spent so many years out of it and tired, struggling to drag my feet another step. I have pushed myself to do things, beyond my capacity, only to still be called lazy. I have opened up about the things I've been through, from illness, trauma, and bullying to grief only to be told I have a nihilistic or doomer mindset. It always makes me feel as if I am deficient or defective in some way because I can not put on a happy face and withstand the constant barrage of misery.
Over time, I just feel like a shell of a person. I wanted to work hard and develop skills, really wanted to be a researcher, but my brainfog and fatigue have basically wrecked everything. I withstood so much shame, humiliation and disappointment because I could not perform to the level expected of me, and barely scraped along in university by the skin of my teeth. Now I'm an unemployed NEET, worrying how I will survive in the future because my mind and body are such a scrambled mess, I cannot do the vast majority of jobs and am heavily discriminated against for being autistic and having a speech impediment.
At best, people pity me and wonder why I haven't ctb yet. To be looked at in such a way makes me feel lower than dirt, more worthless than an ant stuck to the bottom of one's shoe. If I was able to laugh or cry anymore, I would at the sheer absurdity of such a situation.
All of this hardship has made me lose my emotions and made me apathetic to almost everything, because I have had to come to terms that being ill is permanent for me. I will never have a healthy body again, and the deterioration is evident. It's not even just the pain, fatigue, bad circulation, weakness, and inability to control my temperature, I've noticed other things like my TMJ getting worse and my jaw recessing which makes me look completely ugly and disgusting. I look and feel like a zombie, no matter how many beauty treatments I do or supplements I take. At this point, I feel like more of a corpse than a woman.
I feel like I have no ability to care about anything anymore. I lost everything. I barely got a shot at life. My life was already so hard before I became ill like this. All of my family died or abandoned me except my grandmother and as she approaches the end of her life I know soon I will be so screwed. No one has ever really loved me or cared about me except my grandma, no one in this entire world. So when my grandma is gone, I want to be gone too. I will not be able to tolerate this life anymore when she is taken from me too.
I look around and see other people my age reminiscing on years of partying and fun, while I barely got a taste of it. I see people getting married and having children, the latter of which I will never do, and know I will walk a very isolating path because of it. When I look at how others have gotten to experience dating and relationships, it has been nothing like my life where I was groomed and abused as a teenager, then ended up in an unhappy marriage after I left those relationships.
My husband has treated me so badly for years because of how ill and tired I am, and I have always been able to tell he wanted something else. While it used to be way worse, I still frequently get yelled at by him, almost everyday, and cannot even go out with him without him sitting on his phone the entire time talking to other people and ignoring me. I am so so unhappy and cannot leave because I rely on my husband's help to survive. Plus as he has said before, no one else would ever love me because I am so negative and hopeless. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not capable of bonding with anyone else ever again because of all that I've been through and likely have no ability to feel love anymore. I am completely doomed.
Everything is so empty. There is nothing left but to suffer more. I don't know what is scarier, death, or existing like this for many more years. I want to die so badly and escape this. It takes a very specific mindset to ctb and I have been quite close to it several times, but survival instinct takes over at the last minute. It takes a point of having absolutely no reservations and I wonder how long it will be before I can finally come to grips with it.
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